Sports from the past week.

Past sports article for the week of 5/1/05

Defiant Bid to Return Dignity to SuperBowl
By Grey Sports

After the efforts of recent years, Janet Jackson, Justin Timberlake, and many others in the half time show owners of football teams in conjunction with the major sports networks have decided to take a radical new approach to the presentation of games in an effort to return what they see as stolen dignity.
The problem? The plan relies entirely on the players.
While it may be somewhat harsh to claim that the NFL players are inadequate to the task of returning dignity to their game it must be remembered that NFL players generally fall into one of two categories: That of an athletic intellectual who cannot be taken seriously because they are athletic and intellectual, and those who look like they could ram a bus with their heads and take no damage.
It is the latter image that has many in the media laughing at this idea. While not all NFL players have collars that measure bigger than their hat sizes enough do to stereotype the entire group.
Most find it mind-boggling that anyone could take this idea seriously.
Then they consider how close we all came to having Oprah clog dance to accompany Melissa Joan Hart’s version of the US national anthem, a song she still believes starts with “O Canada . . .”
With this in mind, though many jokes are made, no one has the slightest intention of stopping this plan.
Although it must be said that the jokes have had the effect of modifying the plan several times so far.
There were initial plans for etiquette lessons and public forum debates, several football players have an excellent grasp of state politics in their home regions, many would have relished the chance to discuss their favourite issues over a cup of tea.
Then came the posters of large, big-necked men holding little teacups with their pinkies raised.
Other ideas were similarly picked up by the media and mocked to such a degree that they became unfeasible.
What was left? Clowns. It was decided that brighter colours, floppy shoes and novelty flowers were what would bring dignity back to a game plagued by “costume malfunctions”, “bratty child stars” and CNN.
This idea has yet to be openly mocked, in part because it is still hard to believe. However when considering the rising costs and the number of sponsor logos that may be slapped onto player uniforms covering them with bright yellow polka dots is not that insane.
During a trial game between test teams the new look met with distain initially. This seems to have been the result more of the players’ unease with their new conditions, until one assistant deputy coach came up with the idea of playing the game as the Harlem Globetrotters would.
The result was an energetic game filled with back flips, flying leaps, massed flower squirting and broken bones. The crowd loved it.
Whether this will return dignity to the NFL is unknown, though it seems likely that it will keep the money flowing, and that will most likely be enough for now.