Sports from the past week.

Past sports article for the week of 5/15/05

Satan Vows Return to Prominence
By, Grey Sports

The recent steady decline of table tennis, also known, as the single most evil game in existence, has been the bane of many a sponsor who thought that this was the next best thing. Unfortunately sponsors have been placing this bet for well over forty years now with the expected pay off still far in the future, if visible at all.
Much of the blame for the decline of the game has been placed upon those communist nations where it remains popular, as these nations are so primitive that they rarely allow the full representation of advertising and instead concentrate on the sport itself.
However most of the blame has been firmly laid at the feet of Satan, creator and patron of table tennis, who has not been associated with the sport for the last fifteen years.
Many have said that were Satan to get involved with one of his “pet projects” once more things would turn around dramatically. Viewing numbers would rise, audiences would return and the Fundamentalist Christian sector, which has been searching for a consistent event to support or vilify in public, would surely join in through protests, which now count as a secondary form of advertising.
Satan himself has stated his interest in returning to table tennis, something many are hoping would be the first glorious step to permanently unseating his rival, Rupert Murdoch, who recently managed to take over a subsidiary of Hell in a hostile takeover.
This news was tempered by another announcement from Satan that he would “ . . . get off (his own) giant red butt when he damn well felt like it.”
Critics were quick to point to this as the latest in a series of political cop outs by Satan that have so far allowed competitors to grow stronger and support structures, such as table tennis, to weaken.
Others have stated that if we were more observant we would notice that there might be some sort of logic behind this failure to fully support certain efforts. After all, Satan has been around a long time and a world dominated by Rupert Murdoch may be the most horrific thing he can come up with. In effect he aims to make up for in originality what it lacks in effort.
In the meantime table tennis enthusiasts are attempting to generate support on their own, though initial efforts leave a lot to be desired.
One of the first things attempted was to take the “beach volleyball” approach and dress the players in skimpy bikinis. Unfortunately they chose to dress every contender, male and female in this manner.
Equally unfortunate was the condition of most players meant that the males needed the bikinis more than the females.
The resulting shock and panic are considered to be a part of Satan’s overall plan, and if nothing else have secured table tennis the title of most evil game in the world for some time to come.