Sports from the past week.

Past sports article for the week of 5/24/05

Ewok Jockeys Poised for Dominance
By, Grey Sports

With the impending completion of what George Lucas has repeatedly called the last Star Wars movie the creator of the science fiction epic has started to release many of his creations with the aim of bettering their lot in the real world.
While now we must contend with Wookie Wrestlers, Droid Bartenders and Gungan Punk Ska Bands it is the smallest of George Lucas’ creatures that have the most to contend with.
Thankfully we are not talking about Yoda this time.
Jawas are still struggling to find their niche, with many acting as a “hands free” version of the I-Pod, while Ugnaughts are fast becoming the new White Trash, settling into heavily fortified Trailer Parks deep in the Tornado Valley section of the US.
Ewoks as it turns out may be the single greatest success story, something no one expected from “oversized teddy bears”. With a little makeup this stereotype is being exploited for a new range of Christmas Specials, though by far the most lucrative employment for Ewoks has turned out to be jockeying.
Though heavy for their size the Ewok affinity for animals coupled with their natural exuberance more than compensates for any disadvantages, especially as they are half the size of human jockeys.
Though no Ewok has yet placed better than fourth many consider that these are winners in the making, requiring only a little seasoning before they start to dominate the sport.
There have been some setbacks. The first is the necessity of modified saddles and racing harnesses. Though the Ewoks were more than willing to ride bareback safety regulations had to be followed.
Likewise trying to get one of these creatures to wear a helmet has been almost impossible due to cultural moors that forbade the public removal of their hoods. Only medical tests that showing the average Ewok skull as being forty five percent thicker than a humans have mitigated this circumstance, with a light form of rubber padding being all that is required.
As yet there have been no successful moves to put Ewoks in pants, much to the dismay of parents groups.
By far the most distressing turn of events is the feud between the Ewok and Scouttrooper jockeys.
Seeking a new source of employment these former speederbike troopers must now face their arch nemesis on the racetrack. So far incidents have been mostly peaceful, if you consider a full grown man clad in white armour that will deflect most weapons and protect from most impacts running at the sight of an Ewok on horseback, screaming for his mother to be peaceful.
More than one Scouttrooper has complained that the Ewoks have an unfair psychological advantage gained on Endor with the unfair use of horse steroids (unfair in that the troopers were using them and they still did not help).
However until an actual incident occurs there is nothing anyone can do to change these events, leaving the troopers to just deal with it.