originally posted: early February 2001
Brought to you by a "friend" of my mother's. Let's call her Mary.
And now, a reading from the Book of Tackiness:
Recently, a friend of Mom's made a dinner to bring to her house: two roasted chickens, already cut up. Mom wasn't home when she brought it by, but my uncle Jerry was at the house. Jerry received the food, still warm and fragrant from the oven, and put it in the refrigerator. The friend left. This edible gift was meant to help Mom feed a troupe of relatives who were in town for a funeral.
A few minutes later Mary stopped by. Not finding Mom at home, she decided to stay and wait. Shortly she became peckish, and her nose led her to the fridge. Do you think anyone would mind . . . ? she asked. No, said Jerry, help yourself. So Mary reached in for a piece of chicken. To hear Jerry tell it, she dispatched it the way they do in cartoons: a whole piece goes into the mouth, but only a bone comes out. Jerry was startled, but said nothing. Soon Mary opened the fridge again, and again a piece of chicken disappeared as if by magic. And a third time, and a fourth. By this time my poor uncle was aghast, but what could he say? He kept glancing at the pile of bones in the garbage to assure himself he'd really seen this happen.
But it gets better. Half an hour or more passed without Mom's return, and Mary began to grow restless. She glanced at the front door. She glanced at the fridge. She paced. Finally she declared that she needed to get home to put dinner on the table for her husband (and keep in mind it's just the two of them at their house). Do you think anyone would mind . . . ? she asked again. Uh . . . said Jerry. So Mary collected the entire platter of chicken from the fridge. And left with it.
My uncle swears this is true, and so does my mother. When Mom got home that afternoon, she found a trail of crumbs, the discarded bones and a lingering aroma of roasted fowl, but no bird.
This concludes today's reading from the Book of Tackiness. Please feel free to share other examples!