Lileks was talking about Quorn. According to its web site, www.quorn.com, "The Quorn product range is a delicious healthy alternative to meat found in a range of meals and food products. It is mushroom in origin and provides the taste and texture of a full range of meat products."
This means that Quorn is a fungus — fermented myco-protein, to be precise — masquerading as meat. The fact that it's fermented puts Lileks's mind at ease. "Drunken Fungus," he writes, "sounds like a better description, not to mention a fabulous band name, and if you spoonerize it to Funken Drungus it sounds like some sort of German-Celtic disco band. Certainly more entertaining than Quorn."
Consider it done, Mr. L.
It should be noted that there are certain Children of the Quorn among us. Several of my fellow sensational media types sampled Quorn at the Natural Products Expo last fall and loved it. I tried some at a trade show last October, however, and loathed it. Maybe that's because I already knew what Quorn really is, or maybe it's because the stuff is rubbery and tastes like . . . well, like fermented myco-protein. Try this stuff at your own risk. And I'd suggest keeping a bottle of fermented barley-hops at the ready.