Sachet of Death
originally posted: 11/02/01
Brought to you by the Health & Wellness Club member who will appear in an upcoming Member Profile in TH&W. This woman lost 120 pounds without using a formal weight-loss program or scary herbs, so we decided to publish her story. When I called her for a 20-minute interview, she kept me on the phone for over an hour and told me her entire life's story. She's a very effusive, huggy, lovey, gushy person, and we're now the very best of friends. Which is fine from a distance.
But the world got a lot smaller earlier this week. Ms. Member is a singer/entertainer according to her business card, so I had politely asked about her career on the phone. A couple days ago, a huge envelope arrived in the mail (addressed to "Precious" Kim). It smelled like a nursing home even before we opened it and nearly knocked us over when we broke the seal. No suspicious white powders, I'm happy to report. The package contained a letter (to "Treasured" Kim), a card (to "Cherished" Kim), an audiotape of her singing (for "Priceless" Kim), several autographed photos (to "My Splendid Friends at Health & Wellness" and "Health & Wellness Sugars") and a videotape of her appearance on a local talk show (no endearments). It also held a mousepad-sized sachet that REEKED of concentrated baby powder — the cheap kind.
I've lent the tapes to friends, who hold them at arm's length and refuse to leave them in their cars or offices for very long. I tried throwing away the sachet, but even after I tied off the top of the garbage bag, it still gave me a headache. I had to take the bag to a trash can in another part of the building. Even so, the cloying stink had permeated my office enough that I could still detect it the following day. The filing cabinet where I've stored the letter, etc., is decidedly fragrant. I think I should get hazard pay for this.
'Cuz Ms. Member's miasma is clashing with another scent in my office, and that's the sweet, sweet smell of success. Yes indeed, congratulations are in order. Today's Health & Wellness, the cheery little eat-your-veggies magazine produced by El Queso Grande, Wild Rice and your favorite Media Sensation, just won a big prize. TH&W was awarded a Silver Medal for Overall Excellence at last night's Minnesota Magazine & Publications Association awards ceremony. That's the second-highest honor in the whole competition — not bad for a mag that's been in production for just over a year. We're very proud and very smug about it, thank you very much. So if you hear a faint rustling noise issuing from headquarters, that's the sound of us resting on our laurels. For a few hours, anyway; then we have to get back to work on our next award-winning issue.
Treasured Media Sensation Kim "What's that smell?" Husband