Third Time's a Charm

originally posted: 01/15/02

Brought to you by the snow removal team at Sensational Acres.

I fired up my brand new snowblower for the first time at about 6:30 this morning — much to the delight of the neighbors, I'm sure. (Actually, their houses, like mine, are pretty well sound-insulated because we're near an airport.) I learned a few things the rest of you may find helpful.

Lesson 1: Don't set the snowblower on a carpet remnant during start-up, or any other time it's running. The whirly parts will try to twirl the loose material up into the spit-out chute. If the machine bogs down, the motor will stop, and then you'll have to wait several minutes before trying to start it again. You can, however, distract yourself from the fear of having ruined a brand new tool by shoveling the deck and breezeway the old-fashioned way.

Lesson 2: When you go to restart the blower, make sure you have the electric start cord actually plugged into an outlet. Otherwise you'll become convinced you killed it with the carpet remnant.

Lesson 3: When you finally succeed in restarting the blower and it takes off like a champ, do not in your triumph forget to push the choke lever back to the left. If you leave it pushed to the right, you'll only get about 5 feet down the driveway before the engine dies. You may again become convinced you've killed it. Consult the owner's manual, heave a sigh of relief and go inside to do some ab crunches while the engine rests.

Lesson 4: Cross your fingers and start 'er up for the third time. Master the choke lever. Head for the driveway and watch a glorious plume of snow issue from the spit-out chute. Stop and adjust the chute so it points AWAY from you. Shake limbs vigorously.

Lesson 5: March up and down the driveway as if you personally invented snowblowing. Ape-grunt like Tim Allen, but in a girly voice (women only; well, OK, men too if you really feel like it). Clear part of the street while you're at it.

Lesson 6 (optional): Quit screwing around! Shower off and get to work! Donate blood first thing. Earn a gallon pin and flaunt it in front of non-donating colleagues. Spend the rest of the day feeling smug and eating cookies.

See? Snowblowing is easy. MUCH easier than shoveling.