The Zucchini Wars of Summer (2002): It has been our great pleasure, over the past several years, to receive dispatches from the front lines of the Zucchini Wars of Summer, filed by zucchini (and eggplant) critic (or: zucchini [and eggplant] victim) Farmer Jeff. Today, another correspondent is heard from:
Start picking those zucchini NOW.
I have a tendency to worry about everything, and I have been worrying all Winter, Spring and Summer on your [zucchini growers'] behalf. I do not want you to suffer, as you have in years past, with a cumbersome zuke crop. As Martha is a wee bit distracted at this time, I guess it falls to me to explain how a bumper crop of squash can actually be a Good Thing.
1. The only good zucchini is a petite zucchini. To elaborate: A small squash, approximately 1 inch in diameter or less, is a joy to slice and eat either raw or as part of a savory summer stir fry. My favorite combo includes olive oil, basil, white wine, garlic, onion, tomatoes, mushrooms, shrimp, feta cheese, and any number of other delightful ingredients from the farmers' market.
2. If they cannot be caught at this stage of development, then the critters are good for fun and games only. I'd suggest hollowing them out, much like log canoes of old, and letting the kiddies race them down a local creek. If they are left on the vine even longer and become of a size they were never meant to be, then the only thing to do is gather five or 10 of them, level the bottoms, and use them as bowling pins at the next family gathering. Believe me: The folks will be thrilled that they don't have to pretend to be happy to take home a nasty freebie from your basket of monster-killer zukes. Plus: The feeling of hitting the horrid things broadside with a bowling ball or perhaps a mutant cantaloupe is incomparable.
3. If they reach the stage where they rival the size of the baby who broke the birth-weight record at your local hospital, do not even think of asking your friends to take them off your hands. If you are unscrupulous enough to do as many a coward has done, and leave your undesirable progeny, under cover of darkness, on someone's doorstep, particularly a friend's, then Miss Manners says: Shame on you. This is an act my evil twin would commit, but never I.
Perhaps you can find one of those people who think it is virtuous to use the finely shredded guts of these bloated-woodtick-like gourds in otherwise-wonderful recipes such as brownies, bread, or cake. But any list of ingredients for these concoctions that I have ever seen contains such huge amounts of sugar and fat that any health benefits of the vegetable matter added is lost completely in the process. You would be doing them a favor by taking them out for a bagel and coffee after acting on my next suggestion.
4. The right and moral thing to do with the truly revolting remains of what, 15 inches ago, would have been the foundation of a truly delightful shish kabob, stir fry, or veggie platter is to give it new life as rich compost for next year's bounteous crop. Let it wallow all winter long in your bin, mingling with your leaves and kitchen scraps to rise again in the spring as beautiful, black soil.
Please, I implore you to do the right thing. We'll all be happier, and next Winter I can go back to dreaming of sugarplums.
Love, peace and garlic,
Babs