Jokes & Games

These jokes are not meant to cause offence. They are not “Politically Correct”. If you think you may be offended, don't read them. I like women, men, people from others races etc. But some things that may seem racist, sexist etc to some, are just funny ! If you want to correct what you perceive as a bias against any one group etc, I'll add your suggestions !
I hope you enjoy these

A superb take-off of Windows - My favourite is Start -> Word :) (Thanks Singlefin on my forum)
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/winrg.php

This looks like a site you could spend some time laughing on
http://www.killsometime.com
Try listening to these audio clips: http://www.killsometime.com/Audio/Audio.asp

Optical Illusion  (Thanks Mark in Japan on my forum)
http://www.michaelbach.de/ot/mot_mib/

A fun little game. Try and work out what to do and in what sequence. Hours of fun :) (Thanks Mark in Japan on my forum)
http://www.foon.co.uk/farcade/hapland/

A strange ghostly figure following a car in an advert. Turn the sound up. You can actually hear it if you have it up loud enough. (Thanks Alpinekea on my forum)
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-1011738692175276484

A handy insult generator :)
http://www.nk-news.net/extras/insult_generator.php

A variety of videos, flash, and pictures, texts.
http://www.wimp.com/

1940s and 1950s comedy (and other things)
http://www.andmas.co.uk/radio/children/childfav.htm

Victor Borge Sound Clips - The Happy Birthday one is very funny :)
http://www.kor.dk/borge/b-mus-1.htm

Compose your own songs using the word sounds from well know songs (Thanks Steph on my forum)
http://www.sr.se/p1/src/sing/#

Snow ball fight (Thanks Moggy on my forum)
http://69.56.133.71/arcade_games/snowcraft.dcr

Flame Warriors - Great descriptions of different types of forum characters. A great read for anyone who has been around a bit on forums :) (Thanks Rustie on my forum)
http://redwing.hutman.net/%7Emreed/index.htm

Satirical American 'News'
http://www.theonion.com

Alan Peacock's "Just For Fun" page
http://www.peacockfamily.co.nz/justfun.html

Will Bryant's funny images (He's from Christchurch, NZ)
A huge collection of really funny pictures.
http://carcino.gen.nz/images/index.php/00b9a680/

HOW TO KNOW WHEN YOU ARE GROWING OLD.

Everything hurts - what doesn't hurt doesn't work
The gleam in your eye is the sun shining in your bifocals
You feel like the morning after, but you haven't been anywhere
Your black book contains only names ending in M.D.
You get winded playing cards
Your children begin to look middle aged
You join a health club, but don't go
A dripping tap causes an uncontrollable urge
You have all the answers, but no-one asks you the questions
You look forward to a dull evening
You need glasses to find your glasses
You turn out the light for economy instead of romance
You sit in a rocking chair but can't make it go
Your knees buckle, but your belt won't
Your back goes out more than you do
You put your bra on back to front and it fits better
Your house is too big and your medicine cupboard too small
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles
I just want to live long enough to be a problem to my kids.

Funny Websites

Pictures of naked girls here
http://www.richstevens.com/NAKED.swf

Not that this means to be funny !!!!
http://www.qserve.net/~jbrier/driveway.htm

Car Park for Women
http://www.cantbarsed.com/w_carpark.htm

 

Sayings

It's better to keep your mouth shut and let people think you're an idiot than to open it and remove all doubt.

"Software is like sex, it's better when it's free." - Linus Torvalds

"I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!!" Homer

"When I die, I want to go like my grandmother, who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car."

“'Hard work has future pay off, Laziness pays off now”

If the world didn't suck, everyone would fall off

Health & fitness is important. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Prawn

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten." As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again!" Christian replied "No ! way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked. " Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed"
(wait for it) . . .”I've found Cod, I'm a prawn again Christian"


 

How to make women happy

To make a woman happy a man only needs to be :
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organiser
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
53. to never forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY :
1. Shag him
2. Leave him in peace

 

Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes (You MUST read them out loud)

That's not right. .................Sum Ting Wong
Are you harbouring a fugitive? .....Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP .......................Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man ........................Dum Fuk
Small Horse .......................Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? ..........Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table ......Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift ......Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here ............Wao So Dim
I thought you were on a diet ......Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone ...........No Pah King
Our meeting is for next week ......Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight! .............Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile ......Wa Shing Ka
Your body odour is offensive .......Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great.............................Fa Kin Su Pah


 

Jokes

A man was in a bar and asked a woman there if she would sleep with him for $10,000...she thought about it then said yes, so he asked if she would do it for $10 and she indignantly asked "What do you think I am?"

He replied, "We've already established what you are, all we have to do now is negotiate a price."
 

Other Fun Sites

The Onion - Joke site
http://www.theonion.com

Fun song & images
http://www.vpwsys.net/temp/bananaphone.htm

Laugh.....
http://starterupsteve.servepics.com/swf/koty.html

Teddies – Disturb the teddies with the cursor
http://www.nobodyhere.com/toren.hier

Shoot the sheep !
http://www.designegg.com/sheepcull.html

Laughing horses – Click a horse to sing
http://svt.se/hogafflahage/hogafflaHage_site/Kor/hestekor.swf

MoonFlip – Wait and click play in the middle
http://www.moonflip.com/pingvin2.html

Spear Toss
http://www.xtrememedical.com/games/xtreme_speartoss.asp

Yeti Sport
http://www.yetisports.org/

Copter – Fly a helicopter through a maze - Arrgghhhh
http://www.hurtwood.demon.co.uk/Fun/copter.swf

What's wrong with this picture – turn up the sound – takes a while to spot !
http://www.tekzoned.com/whatswrong/