January 14, 2002
Congratulations on purchasing a bag of "Mr Salty" Pretzels. Correctly used, these salty snacks should provide minutes of healthy enjoyment, however, in order to derive optimum pleasure, and minimal injury, we do recommend that the following procedure is studied and followed.
YOU WILL NEED
1 x comfortable chair
1 x bag of pretzels (contents approximately 24 pretzels)
1 x television receiving equipment, tuned to the sporting event of your choice Up to 3 dogs - cats or other pets are NOT RECOMMENDED and could be DANGEROUS
STEP 1. OPENING THE BAG
This is a relatively simple procedure, but care needs to be taken nonetheless, so follow the steps carefully.
1. Take hold of the TOP of the bag at EITHER SIDE between FOREFINGER AND THUMB, taking care not to slash your wrists open on the surprisingly sharp plastic edges.
2. Draw the edges of the bag apart with a smooth firm motion.
3. If you SHOULD LOSE YOUR GRIP on the bag, take extreme care not to smack yourself in the face with your flailing hand as this can result in OBVIOUS BRUISING.
Instead, you are advised to throw yourself into the safe haven of the COMFORTABLE CHAIR until the hand-danger is passed. On NO ACCOUNT throw yourself into the safe haven of THE FLOOR, THE TELEVISION, THE DOGS, THE WINDOW, THE OVEN, THE LIGHTFITTINGS or THE ROTATING BLADES OF A NEARBY HELICOPTER as severe injury and embarrassment may result.
If you have an open bag of pretzels before you, you may now proceed to step 2. Otherwise, simply repeat step 1 until full openness is achieved.
STEP 2. REMOVING PRETZEL FROM BAG
1. Set the bag upon your lap, making sure it is reasonably stable.
2. GENTLY insert one hand into the bag. IT MAY BE NECESSARY TO WITHDRAW EYES FROM TELEVISION IN ORDER TO ACCOMPLISH THIS SAFELY. You may prefer to wait until a commercial break or other interval in the action. You should also ensure that you are not over-excited by the sporting events in progress before attempting this manoeuvre.
3. CLOSE YOUR FINGER AND THUMB over a single pretzel. DO NOT attempt to select MULTIPLE PRETZELS. Not only is this an extremely advanced manoeuvre and highly risky in itself, but it will unnecessarily complicate step 3 and will almost certainly lead to brain injury, death and further embarrassment. If you FAIL to secure a pretzel, open the finger and thumb, then close again in a different position - although STILL WITHIN THE BAG - until a pretzel is secured.
4. WITHDRAW HAND FROM BAG taking care not to break pretzel, drop pretzel, lacerate hand on edges of bag, grind pretzel into own eye, smack head on door jamb, press thigh against red-hot coals, or drive meat skewers through fleshy parts of upper arm.
With the pretzel now secured in the hand, the operation is nearly complete. However, you cannot afford to let your guard down.
STEP 3. TRANSPORTING PRETZEL TO MOUTH
1. Delicate hand-eye co-ordination is required. KEEPING YOUR EYES FIXED ON THE PRETZEL, first WITHDRAW your hand. Should the pretzel DROP at this point, you will have to repeat step 2.
2. RAISE PRETZEL TOWARDS face - avoiding eyes, ears, nostrils, hotline to Moscow and Nuclear Button in the process.
3. OPEN MOUTH - this step is vital and EASILY FORGOTTEN IN THE HEAT OF THE MOMENT
4. PLACE PRETZEL JUST INSIDE MOUTH. Do not attempt to force pretzel in. Pretzel should fit easily inside, and need not be entirely encased in mouth orifice. If pretzel does not fit easily, check that mouth is open and that pretzel is in mouth, rather than ear. A small mirror may be helpful.
5. RELEASE PRETZEL AND WITHDRAW FINGERS FROM MOUTH. Failure to perform this easily-overlooked step can lead to crippling injuries. If you are in any doubt, consult mirror once more. Pretzel will probably be just visible inside mouth and FINGERS SHOULD BE WELL CLEAR before step 4 commences.
You are nearly ready to enjoy your pretzel - however the last step is by far the most dangerous, and EXTREME CARE should be taken. Inexperienced eaters of pretzels may care to practice without pretzels in order to have confidence in steps 1 to 3 before proceeding to the pretzel "fire fight" which is step 4.
STEP 4. EATING THE PRETZEL
1. Begin to move jaws up and down in a rhythmic fashion. AT LEAST 20 ITERATIONS ARE RECOMMENDED. "MR SALTY" CANNOUT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR INJURY, WOUNDING, DEATH, INTERNATIONAL INCIDENTS OR WARFARE RESULTING FROM FAILURE TO FOLLOW THIS DIRECTIVE.
2. As pretzel structure begins to break down, guide resulting substance to rear of mouth. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO BREATHE - BUT DO NOT LINGER AT THIS POINT EITHER. All your concentration must now be brought to bear on guiding the pretzel safely down the oesophagus, without inhaling and without passing out due to lack of oxygen.
3. As pretzel remnants reach back of throat, swallow quickly THEN RE-COMMENCE BREATHING.
Congratulations - you may now repeat from step 1, until bag is empty or belly is full.
TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE
1. PRETZELS TASTE "PLASTICKY" - You are eating the bag.
2. PRETZELS TASTE "FURRY" AND DOGS ARE YELPING - You are eating the dogs.
3. PRETZELS TASTE REVOLTING - This is normal
4. FINGERS CANNOT GRASP PRETZEL - Bag is closed or is empty.
5. PRETZELS ARE ALL OVER FLOOR. Bag is upside down, or has been opened with undue force. Deploy dogs and request fresh bag.
6. PRETZELS CANNOT BE SEEN - Light is off or eyes are closed.
7. PRETZELS ARE TASTELESS AND EYES ARE FULL OF GRIT - You have placed pretzel in eye instead of mouth
8. PRETZELS ARE TASTELESS AND I AM DEAF - You have placed pretzel in ear instead of mouth
9. I AM LYING ON THE FLOOR AND DOGS
ARE STARING AT ME - You have attempted to breathe while chewing and / or have failed to chew pretzel thoroughly.
10. SIRENS ARE GOING OFF, MR RUMSFELD IS SHOUTING AND MR CHENEY IS CLUTCHING AT HIS CHEST - You have confused bag of pretzels with nuclear alert. Go back to watching television.
NB :If you are not President of the United States of America, the most powerful individual in the Western World and controller of the World's largest nuclear arsenal and/or you have two brain cells to rub together, you can safely ignore these instructions.
