All About Elephants

What is the difference between an elephant and a flea?
An elephant can have fleas but a flea can't have elephants !
Why did the elephant paint his toenails red ?
So he could hide in the cherry tree !
Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree ?
See how good they hide !
How do you know when there is an elephant under your bed ?
When your nose touches the ceiling !
What do you call an elephant that flies ?
A jumbo jet !
What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo ?
Big holes all over Australia !
 How does an elephant get down from a tree ?
He sits on a leaf and waits till autumn !
 Why did the elephant paint himself with different colours?
Because he wanted to hide in the crayon box !
Why were the elephants thrown out of the swimming pool ?
Because they couldn't hold their trunks up !
What time is it when an elephant sits on the fence ?
Time to fix the fence !
Why does an elephant wear sneakers ?
So that he can sneak up on mice !
What's grey and moves at a hundred miles an hour ?
A jet propelled elephant !
What's big and grey and wears a mask ?
The elephantom of the opera !
What's grey, stands in a river when it rains and doesn't get wet ?
An elephant with an umbrella !
What' s grey with red spots ?
An elephant with the measles !
What's grey and never needs ironing ?
A drip dry elephant !
What's big and grey and red ?
A sunburnt elephant !
What's grey and goes round and round ?
An elephant in a washing machine !
What's grey and highly dangerous ?
An elephant with a machine gun !
What's big and grey and lives in a lake in Scotland ?
The Loch Ness Elephant !
What's yellow on the outside and grey on the inside ?
An elephant disguised as a banana !
What's big and grey and protects you from the rain ?
An umbrellaphant !
What's big and grey and has 16 wheels ?
An elephant on roller skates !
What's big, grey and flies straight up ?
An elecopter !
What' s grey, has four legs and jumps up and down ?
An elephant on a trampoline !
What weighs 4 tons and is bright red ?
An elephant holding its breath !
What's blue and has big ears ?
An elephant at the North Pole !
What's grey and wrinkly and jumps every twenty seconds ?
An elephant with hiccups !
What goes up slowly and comes down quickly ?
An elephant in a lift !
What has 3 tails, 4 trunks and 6 feet ?
An elephant with spare parts !
What's as big as an elephant but weighs nothing ?
An elephants' shadow !
What's grey and lights up ?
An electric elephant !
What's grey but turns red ?
An embarrassed elephant !
What's grey, carries a bunch of flowers and cheers you up when your ill ?
A get wellephant !
What' s big and grey with horns ?
An elephant marching band !
What grey, has a wand, huge wings and gives money to elephants ?
The tusk fairy !
 What's grey, beautiful and wears glass slippers ?
Cinderelephant !
What's the difference between an injured elephant and bad weather ?
One roars with pain and the other pours with rain !
What's the difference between an elephant and a post box ?
I don't know !
Well I'm not asking you to post my letters !
What's the difference between an elephant and a bad pupil ?
One rarely bites and the other barely writes !
 How to you tell the difference between an elephant and a mouse ?
Try picking them up !
What's the difference between an elephant and a piece of paper ?
You can't make a paper aeroplane out of an elephant !
What's the difference between a sick elephant and seven days ?
One is a weak one and the other one week !
What's the difference between an elephant and a banana ?
Have you ever tried to peel an elephant ?
Why are elephants grey ?
So you can tell them from flamingos !
Elephant Keeper: "My Elephant isn't well, do you know a good animal doctor ?"
Zoo Keeper: "No, all the doctors I know are people !"
Why do elephants scratch themselves ?
Because they're the only ones who know where they itch !
What's the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant ?
About 3,000 miles !
What's the difference between an elephant and a gooseberry ?
A gooseberry is green !
What pill would you give to an elephant that can't sleep ?
Trunkquilizers !
A boy with an elephant on his head went to see a doctor. The doctor said,
"You know you really need help"
"Yes I do", said the elephant, "get this kid off my foot !"
What kind of elephants live in Antartica ?
Cold ones !
Why do elephants have trunks ?
Because they would look silly carrying suitcases !
How do you fit five elephants into a car ?
Two in the front, two in the back and the other in the glove compartment !
How does an elephant get out of a small car ?
The same way that he got in !
Why did the elephant cross the road ?
Because the chicken was having a day off !
What do you call an elephant at the North Pole ?
Lost !
What did the hotel manager say to the elephant that couldn't pay his bill ?
"Pack your trunk and clear out !"
How do you get an elephant into a matchbox ?
Take all the matches out first !
What happened to the elephant who ran away with the circus ?
The police made him bring it back !
 Why shouldn't you take an elephant to the zoo ?
Because he'd rather go to the movies !
What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it ?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine !
 How can you tell if there is an elephant in your dessert ?
You get very lumpy ice cream !
Why are elephants wiser than chickens ?
Have you ever heard of Kentucky Fried Elephant ?!
Why do elephants eat raw food ?
Because they don't know how to cook !
Have you heard about the elephant that went on a crash diet ?
He wrecked three cars, a bus and two fire engines !
Why did the elephant eat the candle ?
For light refreshment !
What do you do with a green elephant ?
Wait till it ripens !
When should you feed milk to a baby elephant ?
When it's a baby elephant !
How do you know that peanuts are fattening ?
Have you ever seen a skinny elephant ?
What do you call an elephant that can't do sums ?
Dumbo !
Why do elephants do well in school ?
Because they have a lot of grey matter !
Teacher:"To which family does the elephant belong ?"
Pupil:"I don't know, nobody I know owns one !"
How do you spell elephant ?
E-l-l-e-e-f-a-n-t
"That's not how the dictionary spells it"
"You didn't ask me how the dictionary spelt it !"
Teacher: "Name six wild animals"
Pupil:"Four elephants and two lions !"
Teacher: "Where would you find an elephant ?"
Pupil:"You don't have to find them, they're too big to lose !"

Tarzan was tired when he came home.
"What have you been doing", asked Jane.
"Chasing a herd of elephants on vines"
"Really ?", said Jane. "I thought elephants stayed on the ground !"

What is the easy way to get a wild elephant ?
Get a tame one and annoy it !
What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming ?
Here come the elephants
What's the best way to see a charging herd of elephants ?
On television !
Why don't elephants like playing cards in the jungle ?
Because of all the cheetahs !
What do you call a elephant that never washes ?
A smellyphant !
 What do you call an elephant with a carrot in each ear ?
Anything you want as he can't hear you !
What do you call an elephant with a machine gun ?
Sir !
 What can an elephant with a machine gun call you ?
Anything he likes !
What do you call an elephant that's small and pink ?
A failure !
What do you call an elephant that lies across the middle of a tennis court ?
Annette !
What do you call the rabbit up the elephant's sweater ?
Terrified !
What do you call someone with an elephant on their head ?
Squashed !
How to elephants talk to each other ?
By 'elephone !
What did the zoo keeper say when he saw four elephants walking over the hill towards him wearing sunglasses ?
Nothing, he didn't recognize them !
When do elephants have 8 feet ?
When there are two of them !
What do you give an elephant with big feet ?
Plenty of room !
Why did the elephant walk on two feet ?
To give the ants a chance !
Why do elephants have trunks ?
Because they've no pockets to put things in !

 A man was sprinkling some white powder on his lawn.
"Why are you doing that ?" asked his neighbour
"It's to keep the elephants off the grass", he replied.
"But we don't get elephants round here!"
"I know - good stuff isn't it !"

What animals were last to leave the ark ?
The elephants as they had to pack their trunks !
What would happen if an elephant sat in front of you at the movies ?
You would miss most of the film !
What steps would you take if you were being chased by an elephant ?
Big ones !
What do you find in an elephants graveyard ?
Elephantoms !
Why do elephants have wrinkly ankes ?
Because their shoes are too tight !
What is stronger an elephant or a snail ?
A snail, because it carries it's house, an elephant just carries its trunk !
What do you do with old cannon balls ?
Give them to elephants to use as marbles !
What do elephants do in the evenings ?
Watch elevision !
Who lost a herd of elephants ?
Big bo peep !
What is an elephants favourite film ?
Elephantasia
What do elephants say as a compliment ?
You look elephantastic !
What did the elephant say to the famous detective ?
It's ele-mentary, my dear Sherlock !

Zoo Keeper:"I've lost one of my elephants"
Other Zoo Keeper:"Why don't you put an advert in the paper ?"
Zoo Keeper:"Don't be silly, he can't read !"

What do you do if you find a blue elephant ?
Try and cheer him up !
Why did the elephant jump in the lake when it began to rain ?
To stop getting wet !
What is a baby elephant after he is five weeks old ?
Six weeks old !
What did the elephant say when the man grabbed him by the tail ?
This is the end of me !

 Policeman:"One of your elephants has been seen chasing a man on a bicycle."
Zoo Keeper:"Nonsense, none of my elephants knows how to ride a bicycle !"

What to you get if you cross a parrot with an elephant ?
An animal that tells you everything that it remembers !
What do elephants sing at christmas ?
Noel-ephants, Noel-ephants... Who do elephants get their christmas presents from ?
Elephanta Claus !
How do you hire an elephant ?
Stand it on four bricks !

My elephants got no trunk ?
How does it smell ?
Terrible !

 How are elephants and hippopotanuses alike ?
Neither can play basketball !
How do you stop an angry elephant from charging ?
Take away it's credit cards !
What did the baby elephant get when the daddy elephant sneezed ?
Out of the way !
Why do the elephants have short tails ?
Because they can't remember long stories !
How to you keep an elephant in suspense ?
I'll tell you tomorrow !
Why is an elephant braver than a hen ?
Because the elephant isn't chicken !
What is worse than raining cats and dogs ?
Raining elephants !
How do you raise a baby elephant ?
With a fork lift truck !
Why do elephants have flat feet ?
From jumping out of tall trees !