On Sears hairdryer:  (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)  On a bag of Fritos: 
                             You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. 
                                           (The shoplifter special!) 

                                             On a bar of Dial soap: 
                                         Directions: Use like regular soap. 
                                          (and that would be how?) 

                                         On some Swann frozen dinners: 
                                           Serving suggestion: Defrost. 
                                         (But it's *just* a suggestion!) 

                                          On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: 
                                            Do not turn upside down. 
                                        (printed on bottom of the box) 
                                            (Too late! You lose!) 
                                       (I love it: food to piss you off.) 

                                      On Marks and Spencer Bread Pudding: 
                                         Product will be hot after heating. 
                                      (Are you sure??? Let's experiment.) 

                                         On packaging for a Rowenta iron: 
                                           Do not iron clothes on body. 
                                      (But wouldn't that save more time?) 
                                              (Whose body?) 

                                       On Boot's Children's cough medicine: 
                                       Do not drive car or operate machinery. 
                         (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if 
                                                    we 
                                just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.) 

                                              On Nytol sleep aid: 
                                         Warning: may cause drowsiness. 
                                             (One would hope!) 

                                           On a Korean kitchen knife: 
                                          Warning keep out of children. 
                                         (Or pets! What's for dinner?) 

                                    On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: 
                                          For indoor or outdoor use only. 
                                      (As opposed to use in outer space.) 
                                             (Or underground?) 

                                         On a Japanese food processor: 
                                         Not to be used for the other use. 
                                             (Now I'm curious.) 

                                            On Sainsbury's peanuts: 
                                             Warning: contains nuts. 
                                ( Not to mention the nut who wrote the warning ) 

                                      On an American Airlines packet of nuts: 
                                        Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. 
                                              ( DDDUUUHHH) 
                             
                                            On a Swedish chainsaw: 
                                Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals. 
                                     (What is this, a home castration kit?) 

                                         On a childs superman costume: 
                                  Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. 
                              (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!) 

                                        Thanks Vance 
                            If any one wishes to contribute 
                                 more wacky directions 
                                      e mail me Here.