Mood:  hug me

My boss is the greatest ! First of all for hiring me of course  But second of all because she is such a nice person to work with. And last but not least, she is a great support in difficult times. Being a single mum of an 11-year old herself, who is in my position with the only difference of having her child living with her, she can be a source of reflection. With her ex-partner acting just like mine, she can give me useful advice on and off. A week ago I was going totally bananas over the whole thing. I was even at the verge of letting go, not being sure whether I was doing the situation more harm than good. But then I knew that this would also make my little girl very sad. I realised once again that all this is not about me, not about my ex, but about a child. I won’t let go, but I just have to think over what to do. And it will take patience….

Mood:  hug me

Yesterday I was sitting in my room, trying to study a bit and feeling miserable about the nonsense I had to cope with in the past few days. Just when I was driven down to the kitchen by hunger, I bumped into one of the HO's who lives in the same nice new house. Apparently the lot had decided to go out and have dinner with all the O&G-peepz and I was dragged along. I was so happy to get out and unwind a bit, as to get my mind distracted. Such times I realise how lucky I am always to meet so many nice people on my path. Just like when I was still in UM, when having a bunch of fun, bubbly HO's always made working just a bit nicer, however busy or stressed things were. And I'm happy to hear now and then that most of them who have worked with me had an equally good time...

Mood:  blue

God, I feel so upset tonight… I really cannot focus on anything. I feel like making a website about my ex-girlfriend, complete with pictures and all… About how she has been cheating me as long as I’ve known her. About not telling me she was carrying my child… About how she lied to the other guy and got him to marry her… about how she made him believe for 4 years he was the father… About how on and off she would contact me, trying to keep me warm in case she might need me in the future… About how she would tell me to forget about being close to my daughter and better to focus on my work, only to subsequently keep on pulling @ me and not allowing me to start a new life... About all the million times she has been manipulating me and lying to me… About how she seems to be using our daughter as bait, as emotional blackmail, as trading material…. I feel emotionally abused, used, raped !

Manipulation-lies-manipulation-lies-manipulation-lies…. There doesn’t seem to be an end to it… Some people never learn and it confirms to me; characters probably never change.

But I don’t want to do all that… I don't want to go as low down to that level... I just want to put on happy things… about my little girl on the webb… even if I’m only a Fly-over-daddy rather than full-time-daddy… I’m there for her, as much as the situation allows me to, with all the sacrifices it has taken so far…

But not like this… I need to take a break from the abuse… temporarily change my phone number… So if I don’t pick up the phone, you know why… you can mail me to get my new number…

Mood:  happy

I love my new place ! It is still a student’s-room kind of place only, but I have my own attached bathroom now and the view is much improved. From my window I can look @ the park and see the squirrels jumping from tree to tree. When it was suddenly snowing last weekend, everything was covered in a beautiful white layer of snow.

Needless to say the large kitchen is also a big improvement, and I can actually sit outside to enjoy the early spring sun in our petit garden.

Ever since I came to UK I had to start cooking for myself again. When you go around and see what the average UK-fare is like, you’ll understand why. But I kind of enjoy it and rediscovered what I have always quite liked to do; experiment and improvise a bit with food. The best part was when one of these evenings one of my consultants and colleagues came over for dinner. We had a good time and it felt just like those good old days when I was still in medical school and my house was pretty much a mini-restaurant where on a regular basis 3, 4, 5 or more people came over to eat.

Mood:  silly

Flower bulbs are Dutch best... I bought some bulb flowers for the house the other week. The scent of this beautiful Hyacinthus is just lovely. Today I thought about how back then in the 2nd world war, when there was a famine in The Netherlands, people were forced to eat flower bulbs in order to survive. Then I was reminiscing about what the effect would be... if anyone would fart later on, would it be smelling like flowers ?

Mood:  blue

The stocks turn red and my days turn blue. I hate job hunting... I always have... It is all so artificial, almost like performing a play; you dress up, pretend a bit, make up some good one-liners... much like going out and trying to get the girl at the bar to talk to you, and better even, get her to like you - also something I was never ever good at - it's all about first impressions. But how looks can deceive...

Last week I had my first interview in Germany. I got along quite well with the language, no prob's there. But it started out already with the chief consultant interviewing me from his bedside... turns out he had some unfortunate skiing accident. An interview like that can hardly tun out normally, can it ? Anyway, fate will take me where I'm supposed to go. I started looking around for opportunities in England already. But one thing's for sure; I always bump into all the weird stuff, it's like some kind of physics law.

Oh, BTW, talking about skiing; last weekend I visited Frank & Paul's by now legendary Apres-Ski Party. Good old-fashioned fun, as you can see

Mood:  happy

No Dutch goes without a bicycle. If you don't have a bycicle, you're not a real Dutch (and you'll have to walk most of the time). That's why this is my new (2nd hand) baby...

Mood:  not sure

Being back in the Netherlands was, in a sense, a bit of a bummer. Of course there was the cold. And all details I had to arrange didn’t exactly add to the joy. Though from a financial and career wise perspective, coming back was probably a wise choice, for the emotional component it seemed to be not the best move ever. It makes you realise that you cannot step into a process that has been ongoing for many years, and then suddenly expect to be fully part of it. On top of that there was the sad passing away of a young person, who is both the younger brother of a close friend, as well as best friend with 2 other close friends. Makes you think about things when you're standing there on a crisp-cold, December morning to give your last respects...

Christmas was a drag, as it always is. Feels like running around with your head chopped off. I guess it’s just too many days of too many visits in too short of a time. Still, it was good to see how especially my grandparents were happy to see some visitors.

I guess that I dread these cold, dark, gloomy days because due to the short day-light period, time seems to slip through your fingers. All those days seem as if you only had done a fraction of what initially was planned. Even subsequent days don’t seem to yield anything, since public services and shops are still not working. Now the 1^st week of January has passed, I finally seem to be able to get some work done. My job interview in Germany will be coming up soon. I’m quite curious what it’ll be like. Will it get me where I wanna go ? And do I know where I wanna go ? I’ve turned 35, and by now I need to know at least a bit what I’m heading for. So far it doesn’t look yet as if I really had a clue…