Mood:  blue

I am being rowed throug Paradise on a river of Hell:

Exquisite ghost, it is night.

The paddle is a heart; it breaks the porcelain waves...

I'm everything you lost. You won't forgive me.

My memory keeps getting in the way of your history.

There is nothing to forgive. You won't forgive me.

I hid my pain even from myself; I revealed my pain

only to myself.

There is everything to forgive. You can't forgive me.

If only somehow you could have been mine,

what would not have been possible in this world ?

Agha Shahid Ali

Mood:  not sure

I landed in the Netherlands with @ least 90 minutes delay, literally jumping from the luggage retrieval to the last train east. Sitting in the train and getting no response to any of my messages or calls I gear up for the worst. The possibility dawns on me that I might end up spending the night in the garden unless I would stir up the entire neighbourhood @ 12 midnight. Not my style though… Fortunately a key is waiting for me.

The next day is well spent swimming and blowing away all the fluffiness from every single dandelion along a small forest road (and I mean ALL dandelions). I had planned a trip with the little girl to either beach or Amsterdam, but unfortunately the mom wasted the morning visiting the church (which she can visit on any of the other 3 weekends when I’m not around). When I showed that this upset me, she acted if she didn’t notice. Well, what can I say, she only notices her own sorrows but has never had attention for mine…

Mood:  blue

Today I’m rather sad once more… I have worked in UK for 3 months now and in that short time I have seen the grave social impact of the stunningly high number of broken families here. When I speak to people (mostly the single mothers), what I notice is that the red thread through most of their stories is that in many situations partners fail to work together to further their children’s wellbeing. Though I’m realistic enough to know that some relationships won’t stand the test of time, it fills me with disappointment that previous partners don’t seem to be able to work something out for their children.

Even more so sad since I’m in that same league as well. It is not easy to set aside your personal interests, face a previous partner who has disappointed you so often already, spend a lot of time and money on a regular basis to fly & train over to their house, all for the sole reason that you know it will put a smile on your little girl’s face.

Mood:  hug me

My boss is the greatest ! First of all for hiring me of course  But second of all because she is such a nice person to work with. And last but not least, she is a great support in difficult times. Being a single mum of an 11-year old herself, who is in my position with the only difference of having her child living with her, she can be a source of reflection. With her ex-partner acting just like mine, she can give me useful advice on and off. A week ago I was going totally bananas over the whole thing. I was even at the verge of letting go, not being sure whether I was doing the situation more harm than good. But then I knew that this would also make my little girl very sad. I realised once again that all this is not about me, not about my ex, but about a child. I won’t let go, but I just have to think over what to do. And it will take patience….

Mood:  hug me

Yesterday I was sitting in my room, trying to study a bit and feeling miserable about the nonsense I had to cope with in the past few days. Just when I was driven down to the kitchen by hunger, I bumped into one of the HO's who lives in the same nice new house. Apparently the lot had decided to go out and have dinner with all the O&G-peepz and I was dragged along. I was so happy to get out and unwind a bit, as to get my mind distracted. Such times I realise how lucky I am always to meet so many nice people on my path. Just like when I was still in UM, when having a bunch of fun, bubbly HO's always made working just a bit nicer, however busy or stressed things were. And I'm happy to hear now and then that most of them who have worked with me had an equally good time...

Mood:  blue

God, I feel so upset tonight… I really cannot focus on anything. I feel like making a website about my ex-girlfriend, complete with pictures and all… About how she has been cheating me as long as I’ve known her. About not telling me she was carrying my child… About how she lied to the other guy and got him to marry her… about how she made him believe for 4 years he was the father… About how on and off she would contact me, trying to keep me warm in case she might need me in the future… About how she would tell me to forget about being close to my daughter and better to focus on my work, only to subsequently keep on pulling @ me and not allowing me to start a new life... About all the million times she has been manipulating me and lying to me… About how she seems to be using our daughter as bait, as emotional blackmail, as trading material…. I feel emotionally abused, used, raped !

Manipulation-lies-manipulation-lies-manipulation-lies…. There doesn’t seem to be an end to it… Some people never learn and it confirms to me; characters probably never change.

But I don’t want to do all that… I don't want to go as low down to that level... I just want to put on happy things… about my little girl on the webb… even if I’m only a Fly-over-daddy rather than full-time-daddy… I’m there for her, as much as the situation allows me to, with all the sacrifices it has taken so far…

But not like this… I need to take a break from the abuse… temporarily change my phone number… So if I don’t pick up the phone, you know why… you can mail me to get my new number…

Mood:  happy

I love my new place ! It is still a student’s-room kind of place only, but I have my own attached bathroom now and the view is much improved. From my window I can look @ the park and see the squirrels jumping from tree to tree. When it was suddenly snowing last weekend, everything was covered in a beautiful white layer of snow.

Needless to say the large kitchen is also a big improvement, and I can actually sit outside to enjoy the early spring sun in our petit garden.

Ever since I came to UK I had to start cooking for myself again. When you go around and see what the average UK-fare is like, you’ll understand why. But I kind of enjoy it and rediscovered what I have always quite liked to do; experiment and improvise a bit with food. The best part was when one of these evenings one of my consultants and colleagues came over for dinner. We had a good time and it felt just like those good old days when I was still in medical school and my house was pretty much a mini-restaurant where on a regular basis 3, 4, 5 or more people came over to eat.

Mood:  silly

Flower bulbs are Dutch best... I bought some bulb flowers for the house the other week. The scent of this beautiful Hyacinthus is just lovely. Today I thought about how back then in the 2nd world war, when there was a famine in The Netherlands, people were forced to eat flower bulbs in order to survive. Then I was reminiscing about what the effect would be... if anyone would fart later on, would it be smelling like flowers ?