Christmas time is great if you work in a library
because there are more fruitcakes and nuts around.

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver.
And since he is so busy, you'd probably have to
run up to him real quick and give it to him.

Two of my favorite words to write in cursive are 'maximum'
and 'environmentalist,' but not in the same sentence.
No one wants to hear some story about a maximum environmentalist.

If I was a vampire, I think that I would get a job at a blood bank,
because with all the donated blood, I'm sure you
could get a lot of tasty free samples.

I think the best way to impress a person of the opposite sex
that you have just "met" is to tell them how much
you love their pink frilly bathrobe that you saw
through the window of their house last night.

When Tina first looked at me, I had this tingly feeling. I raised
my head up high, and she obviously noticed me.
It turned out to be a sneeze.

It's probably not a good idea to call up someone you haven't talked
to in a long time and ask them to cut out your in-grown toe
nail because you're too cheap to go to the doctor.

"I saw a Barbie doll head on the side of the road the other day,
and felt kinda bad that she lost her body like that. I thought
some poor little girl lost her doll, but you know, I didn't like
the way her head was just staring at me like that. So I kicked her
into the road. She's probably stuck to the wheel of some truck
now, but hey, serves her right for staring at me like that. I
just hope the driver finds her, because I bet it's pretty embarrassing
to have a Barbie doll head stuck to your tire.

"I think it would be interesting late one night when all your
buddies are over, to stand up and say your going to hit the sack.
Then, stand up and pull a big old brown potato sack out of your
pocket and start hitting it, very hard. I think they might laugh
a bit. Then go to bed a little later, but the next morning, don't let
them know you were serious about that thing last night."

"When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or
pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick,
but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy."

If a fly had no wings, would we call it a walk?

If Vikings were alive today, I think they would be amazed at how much
Glow-In-The-Dark stuff we have, and how we take it all for granted.

If cars had feelings, I wonder what they would have to say. Probably
nothing, since I didn't say anything about them having mouths.

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real
embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

If a man runs into your house naked, and he goes to your refrigerator
while you and your family are having dinner, and he starts eating
mayonnaise right out of the jar, and then he starts laughing hysterically
and pulls out a butcher knife, I don't think it would be a good idea to
ask him for the mayonnaise back.

I think one of the laws of nature should be, "Never eat your thumb,"
because that's a pretty good rule.

I can get a scholarship from any bank in the world. All I need is a gun.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down?
We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then
people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because
I hate that song.

One thing vampire children are taught is, never run with a wooden stake.

If you're ever shipwrecked on a tropical island and you don't know how
to speak the natives' language, just say "Poppy-oomy." I bet it means something.

Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and
catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked
anyway; that's my point.

If you go to a party, and you want to be the popular one at the party,
do this: Wait until no one is looking, then kick a burning log out
of the fireplace onto the carpet. Then jump on top of it with your
body and yell, "Log o' fire! Log o' fire!" I've never done this,
but I think it'd work.

Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've
never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling
lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm
thinking of a monorail.

When this girl at the art museum asked me whom I liked better, Monet or
Manet, I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me, so
I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try
to find some mayonnaise for me.

It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world
we can't even see. I'm speaking, of course, of the World of the
Invisible Scary Skeletons.

Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, "You know,
most of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its
territory from invasion by another group." "Yeah," I said, trying not
to laugh. Girls are funny.

Sometimes I think I would like to be named The Prince of Weasels. As the
Prince of Weasels, I could sneak up behind people and bite them. Then
they would turn around and say, "what the...oh, it's just you the
Prince of Weasels."

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, forget em',
cause, man, they're gone.

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo,
flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a
beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful
painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you
call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?"
you say. "That's dynamite, baby."

I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack,
above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.

I bet when the Neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would
always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows."
Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had
the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're
an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been
turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!
You just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you
on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."

I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then I could keep both
Dracula AND Superman away.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself:
"Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind".
What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography,
and the dancers hit each other.

If I was a serial killer I would definitely not shoot cheerios because
with my luck, the bullet would go right through the hole in the middle.

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was
very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's
neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh,
because what is that thing.

As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said
it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write
in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying
it was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your
friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be
to pretend you were swimming.

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After
school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while
he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that
Uncle Caveman was a bear.

If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay
to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on,
life is funny.

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed
psychiatrist is our friend.

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings.
But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse
trap snap, and Angel gets set on fire.

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy,
throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think
how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a
real grenade at them.

When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the
police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started
wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.

If I was being executed by lethal injection, I'd clean up my cell real
neat. Then when they came to get me, I'd say, "Injection?
I thought you said inspection." Then maybe they might end up
feeling real bad, and maybe i could get out of it.

If I ever become a mummy, I'm going to have it so when somebody opens
my lid, a boxing glove on a spring shoots out.

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think
it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures,
to teach him to do some tricks. But ONLY if you're serious
about adopting the vulture.

If I was going to die tomorrow do you think it would be appropriate
to go sample chocolate and other great candy from bulk barn when
each bin clearly states "sampling hurts everyone".

If we don't know where thoughts come from and they just
appear, what is the point of thinking?

I think that sometimes in life we should sit back and appreciate
the little things...for example, sparkles, they can brighten anyone's
day. Just think how happy a sparkle filled world would be?
Kinda reminds you of Candyland doesn't it? And everyone
knows that is the happiest game ever.

To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of
something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says,
"Hey, can you give me a hand?," you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about
the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it
doesn't have that dangerous beak"

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm
myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell.
When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've
left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its
head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better,
and no harm done.

If I were an ant, I wouldn't just devote my whole life to the queen.
I mean, come on, who does she think she is anyway?

If you ever fall off the CN Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll
look like a dummy and people will try to catch you, because hey, free dummy!

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think
liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong,
though. It's Hambone.

I think it should be called a "foon." Spork just sounds silly.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell
him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute
thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

A cool name for a band would be "The Gnomes With Mullets."

If someone's mother just got arrested for possession of drugs, it probably
wouldn't be a good idea to run around them singing, "Na-Na Na-Na,
your mother is a drug lord!"

Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five.
Then, imagine if you had that many chocolate
popcicles. Wow, that's five more than the biggest
number you could come up with!

I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm."
Unless it was just a lawn mower.

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last,
which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on,
who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?

If you have split personalities
and put a gun to your head, is it a hostage situation?







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