Those of you in Baum have already seen this. Btw I didn't type it up, I scanned it into a text file.
Language. How would you like to have no friends because you
couldn’t speak the language? That was the crushing burden
I faced when I came to BH High. The Iranians were speaking
farsi; the Russians, rooski; and the Asians, whatever. I
was the only kid in the school who spoke English. To my
shame and humiliation they dumped me in the EFL – English
as a First Language. Fortunately my parents were
multilingual. They agreed: no more speaking English at
home, only multilingual. It took courage, determination,
and integrity, but inside three months I mastered 17
languages. I still have no friends. I know I’d be an asset
to you great university in any language. N’est-ce pas? Ja,
Ja.
Bereavement. I was devastated when my aunt Gura died
prematurely at 102. She had been my friends, my
confidante, my idol, and my dentist. She always stressed
the value of a good education. “Never mind learning; just
get the grades,” she’d say, grinning that memorable grin
of hers. I can remember her saying more than
once, “College is important but I’m not paying.” Her
passing to the beyond made me melancholy, suicidal, and
even tardy. But with courage, determination, and
integrity, I overcame this debilitating adversity. Today I
hardly remember her. This awakening has convinced me that
I can do anything I set my mind to – brain surgery, sheep
cloning, or postal work.
Music. Playing the piano in public was a nightmare. At home
I’d breeze through the Rach 3, the Beet 1, and the Schu 2.
But with an audience, my fingers felt like frozen
burritos. Summoning all my courage, determination, and
integrity, I entered the renowned Cucamonga Keyboard
Competition. I chose a simple piece: Chop 6. As a thousand
rapt ears looked up at me, my fingers started turning to
frozen burritos. But then, as if microwaved, they erupted
in brilliant bursts of meat, beans, and cheese all over
the keyboard. Though I came in eighth, I learned a
profound lesson: always do my fingers two minutes on
medium. Today I know I can be a virtuoso on any instrument
you great university is kind enough to throw at me.
Athletics. Those snooty Beverly Hills kids jeered when I
showed up at swimming tryouts with a life vest. The
seniors spat down on me, and the juniors spat up. Well I’d
show them! Coach smiled and said, “One mistake and
you’re outta here.” Well, I’d show him! Each night after
my part-time job, tons of homework, feeding my
orphan siblings, and learning the viola de gamba, I swam
200 laps. To make it really hard, I didn’t use a pool.
Finally, my courage, determination, and integrity paid
off. Today I’m captain of the badminton team. This
experience has taught me that I can be a standout on any
of your great school’s varsities. I’ll show you!
Helping Others. I believe that giving of yourself to other is
more important than breathing. When I was only four, I’d
take money from my mother’s purse and give it to the poor
kids below Sunset. Some of it I kept. Today I feed the
blind, read to the homeless, and sell Christmas paper to
the unwary. After two hours of reading Chaucer to a group
of helpless shut-ins, there’s no greater reward then their
tears of joy when I leave. This life of selfless
devotion has filled me with courage, determination, and
integrity. It’s also left no time for study, so excuse the
C average. If I am selected to your magnificent
university, I can fulfill my lifelong dream – to build a
string of homeless shelters around Princeton. What do you
think of that?
Shyness. I was so shy, I didn’t speak till the age of
fourteen. Even when our building was in flames, I was too
inhibited to yell “Fire!” I’d never answer in class and
was always getting sent to the vice principal. One day as
I was mumbling a thesis sentence, my teacher said, “Speak
up, dammit.” Those three word turned my life around. With
courage, determination, and integrity, I overcame my
debilitating affliction. I started speaking haltingly at
first. Soon I was able to form words and then whole
sentences. Now I jabber incessantly. I’m always getting
sent to the vice principal. Overcoming this crippling
handicap has given me the confidence that I can be anybody
I want to be – Einstein, Michelangelo, even
Madonna.
Poetic Vision. I soar above the moons of my ambition. I dance
upon the hangnail of a dwarf. My sister Hester’s distaff
in distant vistas glistens. Here come my muses to amuse
me – Algebra, English, and Elective – straight-A’s from
hell. But soft, what forces rend my flesh into three
heaps? ‘Tis the unholy trinity: courage, determination,
and integrity. The blood of learning oozes from my well-
thumbed hand. Is this a dream or what they mean by extra
credit? The furies shriek: “Woe unto him who’d keep you
from the college of your choice.” My mirror smiles, “Oh
what an asset thou!”
Humor. Hi. Anyone out there? Well, this is another nice mess
you got me into. Not only do I have to cool my SATs but
spill my guts. Stay with me here, okay? I’m so unique I’m
endangered. No other applicant can offer what I have: a
total absence of courage, determination, and integrity.
What can you expect with no adversity to overcome? Slowly
I’m overcoming the adversity of having no adversity. But
enough about me. How did you qualify for this thrilling
job? (I’m kidding. I’m kidding) If you accept me, I
promise to make a complete asset of myself. Take me, I’m
yours.
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