"Torn" by Mikkeneko

Pairings: 3+4, always. (Come on, that pair is practically canonical!)
Disclaimer: Yea, although I walk through the valley of Gundam Wing, I remain untouched by lawsuits, for I own nothing and lay claim to nothing. So mote it be.
Feedback: I just want you to know that I have a fire hose standing by in case of flamers, so take your best shot.

WARNINGS: Angst, dark (almost horror), semi-bastardized characters, language, violence, Alternate Timeline

Prologue: Doubts

........The Maguanacs fanned out of the docking tube first, running through all the procedural checks before declaring the area secure and waving to me through the hatchway. Here, of all places, it shouldn't be necessary, I thought sadly as I crossed into the station and took a moment to adjust to the artificial gravity. Here, in the very heart of the Resistance headquarters, the dangers of a bomb or a sniper were somewhat less than the danger of passing meteorites. OZ would have more luck buying off one of my own bodyguards than planting an assassin here. I kept those observations to myself, though; safe or not as the case might be, the bodyguards couldn't afford to relax their guard for an instant in this bloody mess of a war.
........I shivered as I navigated the corridors; why was it so damn cold? It hadn't been this way the last time I'd been here. Were they low on power or something? No; if they were, then they couldn't keep these halogen lights on so brightly. I glanced up at one and immediately regretted it. Wincing, I shrugged and turned my attention back to the task at hand; namely, not getting lost in the steel and chrome labyrinth facing me.
........The cold was really beginning to get to me by the time I made it to the briefing room, and I breathed a soft sigh of relief as the door slid open and released a gust of warmer air. I couldn't stop the grin that spread over my face as I saw what else the room held for me, though. Something I had missed for much too long. Something whose phantom presence beside me at night was the only thing that got me through the day. Something quiet and still and lovely. "Trowa," I said warmly as I moved forward into the room, thoughts of the cramped shuttle ride and chill corridors falling away as I drank in the sight of him. He looked up at me from the report on the table before him, and his face softened. He didn't smile—it takes a lot to make Trowa smile—but I saw that sparkle in his green eyes that always made the world seem like a much brighter place.
........"Quatre," he replied softly as he scraped back his chair and stood. Before he could take a step towards me, though, one of the guards stepped forward with a scanner in his hand. Trowa turned his head—just a little bit—and looked sideways at the man from beneath the curtain of his hair. He didn't say anything—didn't make anything that could be remotely construed as a threatening move—but after a long, still moment the man swallowed and took a careful step back. Trowa did smile then—a little tiny bit of a smile, but it was definitely there—and turned his attention back to me. Which was fine with me, really, and I had to call upon a lot of self-control to stop myself from glomping onto him in a sincere but probably embarrassing manner as he finished taking the pace the bodyguard had interrupted and clasped my hands. "It's good to see you."
........"You too, Trowa. Best thing that's happened to me all week." I squeezed his hands between mine and marveled at how good something that simple could feel—just that reassurance that he was really there. "In fact, make that all month. Or longer. Probably the best thing since I went downside in the first place. You'll have to fill me in, what's been going on up here while I've been playing with people's heads down on Earth? The messages I've been getting don't tell me much of anything."
........Trowa shrugged as he turned back to the table, pulling up a chair for me next to him. "I'm sorry about that. Communications have to be brief of necessity. Radio transmissions could be intercepted, and we haven't been able to spare anyone reliable to take a message personally. We have to limit our messages to the most essentials."
........"I know," I sighed as I sank down into the chair. "I don't like it, though. Not knowing what's happening up here... I keep wondering if I'm doing right, or if everything I do is just undermining your efforts."
........He placed a reassuring hand over mine, and I smiled at him; he seemed about to speak again, but looked pointedly at the bodyguards around the room. I nodded and turned to them. "Could you gentlemen excuse us?" I asked. "Commander Barton and I have some things we need to discuss in private."
........"No, sir," the senior guard replied, without a hint of give in his voice. I sighed, braced for another long argument, when Trowa did it again. He just caught the man's gaze with his steady stare for several long seconds, and when the guard broke the gaze and looked down he turned and left the room without saying another word. The other guards shot bewildered looks at each other, and at me, but I did my best to look stern and not crack up and they quickly filed out of the room. No doubt they would patrol the hallways and frisk the cockroaches for weapons for a while to make them feel better. Of course, in this place, it wouldn't surprise me to learn that the cockroaches were packing heat, but there was no doubt they'd have security ID badges to back them up.
........"Thank you, love," I said, fervently grateful. "I've been trying to get them to leave me alone for months now. You have to teach me how you do that."
........"Do what?" Trowa asked, absolutely deadpan. I've stopped trying to figure out whether he's really serious or just has one hell of a poker face; with my Trowa, it doesn't really matter. "Stop diligent soldiers from carrying out their critical duties? You know they're just trying to keep you safe. If anything were to happen to you..."
........He trailed off for a long moment, and closed his eyes. There was no other change of expression on his face, but my uchuu no kokoro twinged and I wondered what had happened to bring about this melancholy. "Relena and Zechs could take over the negotiations," I said seriously, knowing that the negotiations are not what he feared for, but trying to bring the conversation back to a slightly more official level. I had to get caught up on the affairs of things before my lover and I had our more personal reunion. "First tell me, Trowa. How are you? And the others? My Spaceheart tells me some things, but I want to know how you've been holding out all this time."
........He opened his dark green eyes and graced me with another small smile—this one of gratitude, not of amusement. "I am well. Except on the missions that require a very strong force of arms, I leave Heavyarms in the hangar and attend to the administrative duties. There are others who help me with the little details, but there is so much to be done and we are so short on manpower..." He frowned slightly, picking up a mug of coffee and drinking from it, and I could see the slight dark circles under his eyes. He saw me looking, and sighed. "Truly, Quatre, I am tired but otherwise fine. Running an army is not easy."
........"A joke?" I gasped, feigning surprise, but he raised one eyebrow at me and I knew it hadn't really been. "I know, Trowa," I continued in seriousness. "If there is one thing I've learned in my time on Earth, it's that mountains are far easier to move than a group of stubborn men."
........"Speaking of stubborn men..." Trowa replaced his coffee on the table. "Wufei works among the troops. He insists that the footsoldiers in the front lines have the greatest honor of all. They all adore him, and the company that he captains would gladly follow him into Hell and back. He has found a strange sort of contentment in battle, and seems to gain strength as the war continues. Our dragon has been growing steadily in fire even as—"
........He cut himself off with a startling suddenness and I stared at him, wondering what he'd been about to say and what made him change his mind. "Even as? Trowa, what is it?" I prompted, a shiver of worry tingling down my spine. Trowa turned away, his face shuttered and closed, but it's damn hard for even reticent Trowa to hide things from an empath. I concentrated on what my spaceheart was telling me, both from the man in front of me, and the more distant sensations of my other friends. "Does this have anything to with the strange feelings I've been getting from Heero lately?" I demanded, dread growing within me as I put the clues together. That strange feeling, like a hunger or a chill whenever I tried to focus on the Japanese pilot, had been worrying me for quite some time now, but I had of necessity pushed my concerns aside. Now they returned in full force.
........Trowa gazed down at the tabletop, both hands tightening around the coffee mug as he recited, "Heero is fulfilling all of his duties and more than any human being could be asked to give. As a tactician, his work is brilliant. As a leader, he—" Again, he broke off his sentence, and Quatre could feel some strategic word editing being done. "As a leader, he is... tireless and efficient beyond expectations. His piloting and battle skills remain unparalleled. And in light of his stellar performance, I do not feel comfortable discussing his... emotional state at the moment."
........His voice dropped as he reached the last words, and I knew I wasn't going to get anything more out of him for the moment. Instead, I scrambled for a way past the sudden darkness in the room. I knew the perfect subject; the one whose name could brighten even the tensest of situations. "How's Duo, then? Still the tireless ball of mischief he's always been, I imagine—you can take the kid off the street, but you can't take the street out of the kid. I never thought I'd say it, but I've missed his voice the past few months. I'd like to talk with him. Is he in the base, or out on a mission—Trowa? What's the matter?"
........My beloved was frozen in place, staring at me with his emotions for once plain to see on his face—a sort of sick horror overlain with guilt and grief. I felt the same pain flare up in my chest as earlier in the conversation, and a cold dread took me by the throat. Was Duo—no, no, that wasn't possible. I would have known. "Trowa... has something happened to Duo? Did he and Heero have a fight? Is he... unwell?"
........Trowa was struggling to regain control of himself, and he took a deep shuddering breath. "I... I'm so sorry, Quatre. I thought you knew. I thought someone had told you. I can't believe nobody told you..."
........"Told me what?" My voice rose uncontrollably, as denial struggled with panic. "Trowa, what's going on?"
........He closed his eyes and bent his neck, his hair falling to cover the pain on his face. "Quatre... love... Duo was captured when Oz took Sentenal Base three months ago. H... we weren't able to..." He took a deep breath, then forced the words out in a flat, emotionless tone. "He's dead."
........"No!" I shouted, bolting to my feet so fast that the chair fell onto the floor with a clatter. "Trowa, that's not true!" Trowa's words, and the painful ache in my Spaceheart as he spoke them, were said with absolute sincerity, but I couldn't believe it.
........He sighed. "I'm sorry, Little One. We just have to accept it. He was a soldier; he knew the risk. He let himself be captured so that Howard and his technicians could esca—"
........I was shaking my head, vehemently, and I found myself babbling. "Trowa, you're wrong—believe me, Trowa! He's still out there, somewhere, after all remember when you went missing for so long—they thought you were dead but you were just drifting somewhere, and I knew, and I know—"
........"Quatre!" He was shouting, now, trying to break through my hysterics. He had gotten to his feet and taken hold of my shoulders, shaking me like a child. "Quatre, we raided the base. I saw the body. We were too late, Quatre!"
........"You don't understand!" I screamed at him, the frustration building to an unbearable peak. "I know—don't you understand? That's not possible! If he were dead I would know it! My Spaceheart would tell me so, and I know I've felt his presence since three months ago!"
........Trowa stilled, suddenly, and the still quiet bled from his hands and calmed me at least enough that I could see straight again. Trowa's face was a frozen mask of disbelief and shock. "That's impossible, Quatre," he said in an eerie calm voice, echoing my words from a moment before. "Are you sure you're not mistaken? I know your Spaceheart doesn't lie, but over all that distance, the shock of his death might not have reached you—"
........I shook my head fiercely, knowing he was beginning to accept it. "Trowa, I'm sure. I know I'm right. I reached out to Duo just a few days ago and I felt his presence. I don't know what happened, Trowa, and I don't understand how, but Duo is alive somewhere!"

Part 1