[(In Team 69's underground hideout . . .)]
[Jesanae: (Stares)]
[Christochi: (Stares)]
[Robster80: (Stares)]
[Jesanae: Chris, this is the wierdest group you've put together yet!]
[(Camera pans out to reveal: Vela from Jet Force Gemini, Eric Cartman from South Park, Daria Morgandorfer from Daria, and—)]
[R80: Ash?]
["Ash": I'm Satoshi, not that friggin' idiot dub of mine!]
[R80: Close enough.]
[Christochi: Well now, you're all here to MST a little fic by Jesanae here—(turns to see Jesse running out the door) Hey! Where are you going?]
[Jesanae: I wrote the fic; I'm exempt. I'll be waiting in the master bedroom! ^_-!]
[(everyone snickers while Chris blushes)]
[Christochi: (noticing Rob's gone) Hey! Where the hell . . .?]
[Cartman: Aye, butt-licker! (points to the monitor screen which shows Rob riding away on Raidramon)]
[R80: (through speaker) You couldn't catch me, I escaped! See ya!]
[Ishida: (turns to see everyone else making for the door) Wait! I'm not letting you leave yet too! It's kinda dangerous out there!]
[Vela: Why? It's YOUR hideout, how bad could it be?]
[(Daria opens the door. Duo runs past with Wufei hot on his tail, katana in hand.)]
[Duo: AAH! RABID CHINESE MAN! HEEEELP!!!]
[Wufei: Get back here, you dishonorable fool! WEAKLING!!!!!]
[(Ishida sticks his head out. Sakura, Rei Ayanommi, and Shampoo run up.)]
[Christochi: Mind if I ask what the hell was that?]
[Rei: Duo was reading a Jade Diamond MST and made a comment about Wufei and a dildo.]
[Sakura: We're attempting to save Duo from certain death.]
[Shampoo: MOVE IT, AUTHOR-TYPE MAN!]
[(The Muses run after Duo and Wufei.)]
[(Daria slams the door shut again.)]
[Daria: Great. And here I was, thinking I left Beavis and Butthead back in Highland . . .]
[Cartman: Kick ass!]
[Satoshi: I think I'm ready for the fic now.]
[(rest agrees)]
[Christochi: Well then, please, follow me . . .]
Isn't Love Wonderful?
A Digi-fic
[(All enter and sit down.)]
[Vela: Well it all depends on the kind of love . . .]
[Christochi: (mumbling) This coming from the girl who's sleeping with her brother?]
[(Rest gasp. Vela fires at Ishida but the bullet literally curves into the theater wall.)]
[Vela: What the . . .?]
[(Ishida holds up a small computerized device.)]
[Christochi: I took the liberty of purchasing one of these from Revolver Ocelot. You can't shoot me now. (Boris) I AM INVINCIBLE!!!!!]
[(Vela throws the gun at Ishida, conking him right in the left eye.)]
[Ishida: AAAHHH!!! GODDAMNIT!!!!]
[Cartman: Dude, this is fucking weird . . .]
(We see a large wooden structure in the Digiworld. A large sign says "Welcome to the Digi-Tavern". Inside.....)
[Daria: Ritalin-crazed rats have ripped everyone apart and shit in their remains.]
[Christochi: (laughing) I remember that one!]
Davis: CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!
[Christochi: (Pikachu) Pika! Pika! Pika!]
[Satoshi: Stop that!]
Tai: *glpglpglp*
[Vela: (mumbles)]
[Cartman: (singing) …in the ghetto!…]
Sora: Honestly.....
[Vela: Yes, it's true. (starts sobbing)]
[Cartman: Sick bitch!]
[(Ishida smacks Cartman)]
[Christochi: LEAVE HER ALONE, ASS MASTER!]
[Cartman: SON OF A BITCH!]
T.K.: *shnrzzz.....*
[Daria: Moseltov.]
Matt: (sips his lemonade) I think Tai's skirting the world record for dumb-ass bar-hopping. This is the fourth one today.
[Satoshi: That's nothing. One time Kasumi got so wasted that I—]
[Daria: PG-13 or below, please.]
[Satoshi: Damn!]
[Vela: (to Ishida) Who's Kasumi?]
[Christochi: (to Vela) Misty.]
[Vela: Ah!]
Mimi: Oh! (looks shocked)
[Cartman: (Mimi) I finally learned how to use the goddamn Shift key to make exclamation points!]
Sora: No swearing! Think of the children!
[Cartman: Screw you guys!]
(Matt looks off into the distance, blushing faintly. Tai passes out in his "root beer".)
[Vela: (Hikari) I found a rabbit!]
[Christochi: (Mrs. Kamiya) That's nice dear.]
[Vela: (Hikari) Anyone wanna see a rabbit?]
[Christochi: (Mrs. Kamiya) Drink your apple juice, dear.]
Davis: Haha! LOSER!
[All: (burst into laughter) LOOK WHO'S TALKING!?!]
Izzy: At least this bar has a phone jack. *typetype*
[Daria: Tippacanoe and (Izzy) Typing too!]
(Suddenly, the air over Mimi and Yolei shimmers and an interesting little figure appears. It bears an incredible resemblance to chibi Gennai in a tutu, with pink gossamer wings.)
[Vela: CHIBI! (notices who it's of) Ew, old man Chibi!]
Kari: Um.....hello. (jostles T.K. awake)
[Vela: (Hikari) Damnit, T.K., I said look at my rabbit!]
Pink Gennai Thing: I was passing through and I felt great amounts of unresolved romance! I am the Digi-Fate-Destiny-Couple Fairy!
[Christochi: Not to be confused with the Digi-Destiny-Fate-Couple Fairy!]
(Ken attempts to sneak out, but trips over the prostrate Tai.)
[Vela: Prostrate Tai! I thought Jesanae didn't do yaois.]
[Rest: Eep!]
Fairy: I'm going to establish once and for all who's meant to be with whom!
[All: (KC and JoJo) (singing) I'm goin crazy crazy crazy just thinkin about you, baby! . . .]
(Vast silence)
[All: (silent)]
Davis: Wanna drink?
[Satoshi: (James Bond) Vodka martini, shaken, not stirred.]
Joe: (returning from the bathroom) Ack! What's that thing?
[Cartman: Who the hell cast Tom Hanks in this??? Tom Hanks can't act his way out of a nutsack!!!]
Fairy: I am the Digi-Love Fairy! I will set you and your destined love on the path to romance!
[Cartman: RESPECT MY AUTHORITY!]
(Joe passes out in Mimi's lowfat yogurt.)
[Daria: (sarcastic) That's a turn-on.]
Mimi: Eek!
[Cartman: Go away, nobody likes you!]
Fairy: I shall now reveal your one true love! (he frowns and drops glitter on Joe and Tai, who revive)
[Satoshi: Krabby, Revive!]
[Christochi: Christ, here we go . . .]
Tai: Wuh.....?
[Vela: You're been kidnapped by the Love Fairy from Hell!]
Fairy: Furthermore, when your love is revealed to you, you must kiss to cement the bond of love!
[Vela: Behold! The Bond-O-Love!]
[Cartman: Shut up, rice-picker!]
[(Everyone smacks Cartman.)]
[Cartman: SON OF A BITCH!]
Matt: .....
[Daria: Dot . . . dot . . . dot . . . dot . . . dot . . . that's it.]
Davis: Ick!
[Cartman: I can't believe that son of a bitch!]
[Christochi: Here Cartman, have some snacky-cake.]
[Cartman: Ooo, snacky-cake, good man!]
(The fairy puts all the girls in a line, Sora first, then Mimi, Kari, and Yolei.)
[Daria: You shalt be executed in this order.]
Fairy: Now then.....(turns to Sora) Your true love is.....*beedeebeedee* HE WITH THE RIDICULOUS HAIR!
[All: Sora, run! It's Davis!!!]
(All the old-gen Digidestined look at Tai. All the new-gen look at Davis. T.K. looks at Matt, who smacks him.)
[Satoshi: First Vela and Juno, now T.K. and Matt—]
[Christochi: I'll eat you if you don't stop.]
[Satoshi: I bet you say that to Jesanae every single—
[(SLAM!)]
[Satoshi: . . . ow . . . mommy . . .]
Ken: Some clarification is in order, I think.
[Christochi: You think?]
Fairy: (points) That one.
[Vela: Oh that's helpful!]
(Sora jumps up and kisses Tai hard. His eyes get wide, and he sits down hard and barfs on the floor.)
[Vela and Daria: (sarcastic) Oh, how romantic!!!]
Kari: Eeew! Brother!
[Satoshi: (Kari) Jeez, Tai, Joe just vacated the bathroom, you could have run in there!]
Sora: (dragging Tai by the pant leg) Bath-time, Tai.
[Christochi: I have the feeling Sora'll be helping Tai take that bath.]
[Cartman: Kick ass!]
Tai: Wurg.....
[Christochi: (Captain Kirk) Warp 6, Mr. Sulu!]
[Satoshi: (Sulu) Yes, Captain.]
Fairy: Now then....(causes windows to close to keep the guys from escaping)
[Christochi: That SO reminds me of Resident Evil II.]
[Vela: Yeah, I remember that part too.]
Cody: My mom TOLD me kissing was bad for you!
[Daria: You mom's kinda nutty, kid.]
Fairy: Now you, young lady!
[Satoshi: Next up . . .]
Mimi: Oh! Teehee!
[Satoshi: Queen Braindead!]
Fairy: Your true love is.....HE WHO CAN DECODIFY A SQUARK!
[All: JIBBERISH! JIBBERISH! WHOMP, WHOMP!]
(Izzy suddenly becomes aware of people peering at him over the computer screen.)
[Satoshi: (Izzy) Um…yes…can I help you?]
Izzy: Huh?
[Vela: (Izzy) Whatever a squark is, I'll bet I can decodify it!]
Davis: What's a squark?
[Christochi: (Mork) Nanu, nanu!]
Mimi: Yayyyy!
[Cartman: (Mimi) Now I know how to make myself more expression-ful!!!]
(She picks Izzy a full foot off the floor and kisses him. Apparently very well, because his head makes a popping sound and he floats towards the ceiling.)
[Cartman: What a bitchin' airhead!]
[Christochi: A foot off the floor??? Izzy's not that short, I think . . .]
Mimi: Oh, dear!
[Vela: (Mimi) Now I've done it! I've made my beloved's head implode . . . again!]
Cody: See? It's unhealthy, I tell ya!
[Cartman: Seriously, Cody, if you don't stop being so annoying, I'm gonna have to start hucking rocks at you!]
(Izzy opens his eyes, notices his current elevation, and plummets into Mimi's arms)
[Satoshi: Does this mean Mimi's the male of the relationship?]
[Rest: (shudder)]
Izzy: SQUARK!
[Daria: It speaks!]
[All: (Jim Ross) OH MY!]
Mimi: You're so cu-u-ute! (carries Izzy off)
[Christochi: (Jay and Silent Bob) BONG!!!!]
Fairy: Ah, love is so beautiful. You with the blue hair, stop blubbering. Now, your turn, Miss. (Kari steps up timorously) Your love is.....
[Vela: Joe, Joe, Joe…stop being a baby!]
Davis: ME! ME! (the fairy frowns and hits him with its tutu)
[Daria: A tutu is a frilly piece of cloth that goes around the waist. How can he get hit by it?]
[Christochi: Perhaps Jesse meant "wand".]
[Satoshi: Does it have a wand?]
[Rest: (shrugs)]
Fairy: Now, as I was saying....your true love is.....HE WHO SUCKS AT BOATING BUT STILL WEARS A BOATING HAT!
[All: WE WONDER WHO THIS COULD BE?!?!]
Kari: WHEEE!
[Christochi: (Jay) Smokin' weed, smokin' weed, doin' coke, drinkin' beers!]
(She leaps into T.K.'s arms and they kiss passionately. Davis combusts.)
[All: (Michael Jackson) (singing) You've been hit by, you've been hit by—a smooth criminal!]
Davis: NOOOOO! (he attempts to kill them with a barstool, but Matt breaks his glass of lemonade over his head)
[Christochi: NO!!!!!!!! THE LEMONADE!!!!!!!!!!!]
Matt: Rats. Waste of good lemonade.
[Christochi: I concur.]
Davis: Wurg.....
[Daria: Christ, he IS a Tai-copycat, isn't he?]
(Kari and T.K. skip, shedding flowers. Matt collects them, dumps them on Davis, and orders another lemonade.)
[Vela: Hopefully the flowers will cover up the terrible stench.]
[All: (Crow T. Robot) UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN!]
Fairy: All right, down to the last few pairs.....young man! Put that noose away this instant! Now, madam, your true love is.....HE WHO FRATERNIZES WITH WORMS!
[Satoshi: This is SO Ken!]
(Yolei looks at Davis, then back at the fairy with a pleading expression.)
[Satoshi: Or not.]
Fairy: Not that one, dummy!
[Daria: Is Fairy talking about Yolei or Davis?]
Davis: Hey!
[Cartman: Aye!]
(Yolei skips over, drags Ken out from under the table where he is hiding with Cody, kisses him, and drags him off under her arm.)
[Cartman: (to Yolei) Screw you, hippie!]
Cody: (coming out) It's safe now. He's done.
[All: (WWF Fans) OH HELL YEAH!!!]
Fairy: Foolish young one. Who says I'm done?
[Christochi: Say I, says I.]
Cody: But all the girls are gone! It's just us four guys!
[Vela: Think you for stating the obvious, Cody.]
[Christochi: (Cody) IORI! MY NAME IS IORI!!!]
Fairy: So?
[All: Uh-oh!]
(moment of silence)
[All: (happily return the silence)]
Cody, Joe, Davis & Matt: YAAA! NOOOOO!
[Cartman: Hey, you know what? My grandma's Dutch-Irish, and my grandpa's Lesbian, that makes me quarter Lesbian!]
[Rest: What the hell…?]
Fairy: Calm down. This isn't a yaoi fic. (Joe comes out from under the bar) I just wanted to let you know that just because your love isn't here, doesn't mean you don't have one.
[Vela: (Fairy) Cody, I order you to bunghole Davis!]
[Rest: EEEEEK!!!!!!!!!]
(Joe and Davis get drunk and weep in their root beer.)
[Cartman: How the friggin' hell is it possible to get drunk on root beer???]
Fairy: In fact, you-(points to Matt)-definitely have one.....she's just not in the Digiworld.....but her aura is so, ahm, vivid that I can't help but sense her. Hm.....I'd say she's got pretty dark hair.....likes the color red.....does things whether you want her to or not.....
[Daria: How very descriptive and insightful.]
[Christochi: TOO descriptive and insightful.]
Davis: Haw! Wait'll I tell *hic* my sister!
[All: HAW HAW! DAVIS' A HORSE!!!]
(Matt looks horrified and locks himself in the bathroom.)
[Christochi: RUN MATT, DON'T BE A HERO!!!]
[Vela: . . . he DID run . . .]
[Christochi: . . . oh yeah . . .]
Fairy: Now what's the matter with him? Besides, Jun's MY meant-to-be! (poses seductively)
[All: (projectile vomit)]
Davis: Sick.....*hic*
[Cartman: I've got this damn song stuck in my head!]
[Christochi: Is it Barry Manilow?]
[Cartman: Yeah!]
THE END
[(All leave theater. Everyone but Vela and Chris remain.)]
[Ishida: I believe I owe you an apology.]
[Vela: (sighs) Yeah, you do. Now everyone knows. I think the Misery Chick might keep quiet, but Satoshi and the fat one—]
[Cartman: (V.O.) Aye!]
[Vela: (sighs)]
[Ishida: (gives Vela a quick hug) You and Juno are always welcome here. Bring Lupus too; Keramon's been getting lonely since Lyeernmon and Mocimon're on vacation.]
[Vela: Thanks. See you in time. (leaves)]
[Ishida: Well, now that that's done, there's only one more thing left to do. (removes shirt and heads for the master bedroom) I'm coming, Jesse! ^_-!]
The End
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