The Abattoir Effect


Kirk: Captain’s Log, Stardate . . . Stardate . . . oh, dammit! I forgot the stardate!

(Kirk shuts off the recording.)

(All appears normal on the bridge.)

Kirk: Anybody know the stardate?

Spock: 31.13, Captain.

Kirk: Thank you, Spock.

Sulu: Look! The viewscreen!

(On the viewscreen, there appears to be a giant fire hydrant. It looks suspiciously rusted.)

Chekov: It’s a giant fire hydrant!

Kirk: Thank you, Mr. Chekov. Spock, analysis?

Spock: It appears to be a giant fire hydrant.

Kirk: Right. Mr. Sulu, evasive action.

Sulu: The helm! It’s not responding!

McCoy: It’s dead, Jim!

Scotty: (entering bridge) Hey, isna that a giant fire hydrant?

(Everybody throws their tricorders at Scotty, who retreats quickly to Engineering.)

Spock: Fascinating, Captain. The fire hydrant seems to be a projected image. Someone, or something, wishes to stall us.

Kirk: Spock, are there any Class M planets around?

Spock: Yes, Captain. Observe; the fire hydrant has vanished!

Kirk: Oh, goody! The fire hydrant’s gone, and there’s a planet nearby! My redshirt population is getting out of hand. Let’s beam down! On to the death and danger and Prime Directive breaking! Chekov, Sulu, Uhura, Bones, get to the transporter room and collect Scotty and a couple redshirts along the way. Spock, be careful with the ship.

(They beam down. All is barren and there are frightening shapes in the distance.)

Chekov: Ve’re going to die!

Kirk: Ensign! We have to stay positive! Just remember: they’ll go for the redshirts first.

Chekov: (muttering) Yes, and then they’ll head straight for me and not the keptin or the doctor; they’re vaaay too important.

(An alien girl in a scanty costume runs up and falls breathlessly into Kirk’s arms.)

Kirk: I like this planet already!

Redshirt 1: AAAA!

Redshirt 2: Whatsisname!

Redshirt 3: Look out!

(A three-headed giant platypus marches menacingly up, squishing Redshirt 1.)

Girl: AAA! Captain, save me!

Redshirts 2 & 3: AIIIIEE—! (sudden silence)

Chekov: Sulu! RUN!

(They run screaming, pursued by the platypus.)

Uhura: Pavel! Wait for me! (runs after him)

(Chekov screams as the platypus reaches for Uhura, and pushes her out of the way. He is stepped on by the platypus.)

Everybody: Ack!

Girl: Eeew.

Kirk: Hey, gorgeous, there’s a stand of trees over there . . .

Uhura: AAAAA!!! (falls weeping on Chekov)

(McCoy runs up and sticks the platypus with a giant hypo. It dies. He runs to Chekov.)

McCoy: He’s dead, Jim!

Scotty: How could we have guessed?

Kirk: C’mon, pretty lady, don’t be shy . . .

McCoy: Dammit, Jim, you’re not paying attention!

Kirk: Oh, yeah. My navigator is dead! Sadness! Woe! Hey, baby, c’mon . . .

Uhura: Oh, my Pavel! AAAA! (falls down)

Sulu: Pavel! Now what do I do? (sudden expression of realization) I’m next! (grabs McCoy) Bring him back!

McCoy: But . . .

Sulu: (whacks McCoy) NOW!

(McCoy sighs, then produces a hypo and sticks it in Chekov’s arm. Chekov leaps six feet in the air and looks around wildly.)

Chekov: Vhere am I?

Uhura: PAVEL! (mad kissing)

Chekov: Mmph!

McCoy: Damned autocratic starship pilots . . .

Sulu: Hey! Where’d the captain go?

Scotty: Look out!

(Everyone hides behind a big rock as a T-rex stomps around. It looks up, sees the ENTERPRISE, and crunches it.)

Scotty: ME POOR WEE BAIRNS! (collapses blubbering)

Sulu: Wait! It can’t do that! It must be a hallucination!

Scotty: Really?

Uhura: Does this mean I have to fix my console again?

McCoy: Wait! There’s a strange gas in the air . . . Chlordoofin! It’ll drive us insane!

Chekov: Darn. Spock’s still on the ENTERPRISE.

Uhura: Pavel! Save me!

Chekov: Umm . . . maybe our communicators vill still vork!

McCoy: (sarcastically) Yeah, right.

Chekov: Vell, it vas just a suggestion.

Sulu: How will the madness manifest, Doctor?

(Kirk and the girl come running out of the woods.)

Kirk & Girl: THE DUST BUNNIES!!

Sulu: Huh?

(Six giant dust bunnies follow Kirk and the girl out of the woods.)

Everybody: ACK!

Kirk: Don’t just stand there! RUN!

(The dust bunnies converge on Chekov, who cannot run because Uhura is clutching him.)

Chekov: Uhura! L—GACK!

Uhura: Pavel!

Sulu: Let go of him, Nyota!

(Chekov whimpers. The dust bunnies come closer.)

Uhura: AAA! (runs) (Chekov is stepped on again) PAVEL! (falls weeping on Chekov)

(Dé ja vù strikes Sulu.)

Sulu: Aargh! (runs)

Kirk: Scotty! Beam us up!

Scotty: I’m down here, too!

Kirk: Right, um, Spock! Beam us up!

Spock: (over comm) Yes, Captain.

(Everyone beams up except for the girl, who is mysteriously left behind to the dust bunnies.)

Everyone: Phew.

Kirk: Well, that worked out well. Everyone back to your posts!

(Everyone obeys but Chekov and McCoy.)

Kirk: Chekov, to your post!

McCoy: He’s dead, Jim!

Kirk: Damn. Do something about it!

McCoy: Right! (begins an elaborate ceremony with a bone rattle) (Chekov jumps up screaming)

Chekov: No! Stop!

(Everything retunrs to normal. McCoy is banished to Sickbay.)

Kirk: Let’s go find some babes!