All My Crewmen
(Rand’s cabin. Rand walks in and checks all the corners. She then locks at least 12 locks on her cabin door.)
(Meanwhile, on the bridge . . .)
Kirk: Ow! Bones, be careful!
McCoy: You brought this on yourself. You could have just slapped a band-aid on it and never told me.
Kirk: Yes, but I’m the captain, and you can’t hurt me even by accident or you’ll be written out for the episode.
McCoy: Hold still. I can’t doctor this nasty bump on your head if you keep squirming. How’d you get it, anyway? Nobody seems to know.
Kirk: Ummm . . . I slipped.
McCoy: Tongue, foot or hand?
Kirk: Don’t bother me about details.
McCoy: Yes, those do seem to get in the way sometimes . . .
(Ship lurches drastically.)
Uhura: Ow!
Sulu: Romulans off the starboard bow!
Kirk: Return fire, Mr. Chekov!
Chekov: The main phaser banks aren’t vorking!
Kirk: (pounding intercom) Scotty! Get me phaser power! (frowns at Chekov) I told them you shouldn’t be manning our phasers, but nooo . . .
Chekov: You told me to man the phasers, Keptin!
Kirk: I did? (stops, frowns) Lies! Mr. Chekov, escort yourself to the brig!
Chekov: (smiling ever so slightly and rather maliciously) Yes, Keptin.
(As Chekov goes towards the turbolift, he whispers something to Spock, who raises an eyebrow. He then walks off, accidentally bumping Kirk’s head as he goes by.)
Kirk: Ow!
(Rand’s quarters)
(Rand sits in blissful silence, drinking from her secret stash of Tholian beer and watching the cute hallucinatory cupids surrounding her head. The door buzzes. Rand hides the beer.)
Rand: Who is it?
Chekov: Janice?
Rand: Pavel!
(Rand runs to him and hugs him.)
Chekov: Are you all right? Sensors showed an unusual amount of alcohol consumption, and since I’m escorting myself to the bring, I thought I’d check and make sure you vere okay.
Rand: I’m fine. (pause) You’re escorting yourself to the brig?
Chekov: The keptin told me to. He forgot it vas his fault I vas manning phasers.
Rand: How awful! The captain can be very . . . forgetful.
Chekov: So you’re all right? You look kind of tired.
Rand: I’m not tired. (voice sinks to a whisper) I have Tholian beer. Join me?
Chekov: (much too loudly) But that’s illegal!
Rand: Shh! I know that. You haven’t answered my question.
Chekov: (uncomfortably) Vell . . . I’m supposed to go to the bring. And that stuff is illegal.
Rand: This room is the most secure place on the ship. I’ve made sure. And who cares if Tholian beer is illegal? The captain keeps Romulan ale in his cabin.
Chekov: But he’s the keptin! And . . . he’ll probably send somebody down to the bring to check on me . . .
Rand: He never does that. He’s forgetful, like I said, and he won’t care if you don’t go to the brig. He just wants you off the bridge for a while. And you want to be just like the captain, don’t you, Pavel? (smiles persuasively)
Chekov: Uhhh . . . yes, but . . . but I can’t just deny my duties! Even if he’s sometimes wrong, he’s a good keptin! I have a responsibility to him!
Rand: I’ll just have to change your mind.
(Rand switches off the light.)
(On the bridge)
Spock: Captain, the Romulans appear to be consolidating into attack formation.
Uhura: Romulans hailing us, Captain!
Kirk: Onscreen.
(The screen crackles, and the Romulan Commander appears.)
Commander: I am the great and powerful Commander Fred! You will surrender!
Kirk: But we’re not even in the Neutral Zone! You’re in our space! You have to surrender!
Fred: No, you!
Kirk: No, you!
Fred: No, YOU!
Kirk: Photon torpedoes, Mr. Sulu!
(The torpedoes fizzle out a foot from Fred’s ship.)
Kirk: Oh, shit!
Sulu: I can’t make the torpedoes work, sir! Only Chekov can!
Kirk: Well, dammit, where is he?
Spock: I believe you sent him to the brig, Captain.
(Ship lurches as Romulans hit.)
(Rand’s quarters)
(As the ship lurches, Chekov is thrown backwards and hits a wall. The lightswitch is on this wall and the lights come back on. Rand is put daintily off-balance.)
Rand: *$%#! I mean, oopsies! I hurt my ankle! Kiss it and make it better!
Chekov: Ooh . . . my head . . . (slides down wall and sits on floor looking dazed)
Rand: Oh, my poor Pavel! (rushes over, forgetting her supposedly hurt ankle) Are you all right?
Chekov: I think I need a drink . . . (realizes what he just said) But not that Tholian beer! I . . . have to go . . . s’posed to be in the brig . . .
Rand: (soothingly) Here. (hands him disguised Tholian beer) See, no beer. You don’t have to worry about being in the brig anymore. The Captain sent a message saying you don’t have to. (crosses fingers as she lies)
Chekov: (confused) But . . . vhen did he have time to do that? He just sent me down . . . (swigs disguised beer) Hey! This is pretty good! Almost as good as wodka. (swigs again)
Rand: It’s special, NON-illegal brandy. The message came just a second ago. You were lying against the wall.
Chekov: Oh.
Rand: Shall we resume?
(On the bridge)
Kirk: Sulu! Get down to the brig! Get Chekov up here!
Sulu: Aye, sir! (is halfway to brig when he gets sidetracked into Flynn’s quarters)
Kirk: Scotty! What’s happening?
Scotty: (over comm) Me poor wee bairns . . .
Kirk: Scotty!
Scotty: Me bairns . . .
Kirk: Damn. Where is Sulu? Spock! Get down to the brig and fetch Sulu and Chekov!
Spock: Aye, Captain. (is halfway to brig when he gets sidetracked into Chapel’s quarters)
(The Romulans fire again. Ship lurches.)
(Rand’s quarters)
Chekov: Resume?
(The lights go out again.)
Chekov: Mmph!
(On the bridge)
Kirk: Uhura! Get me that Fred person!
Uhura: They’re ignoring us, Captain.
Kirk: Bones! Get to the brig and fetch Spock and the others!
McCoy: Sure, Jim. (is halfway to brig when he gets sidetracked into a new yeoman’s quarters)
(Rand’s cabin)
(The ship lurches and Chekov hits the light switch again. Rand has her arms around his neck and is kissing him. He looks like he’s enjoying it, but suddenly his eyes fly open and he pushes her away.)
Chekov: Jan! I-I . . . I can’t . . . you . . . the keptin . . .
(Rand slaps the light switch. It is broken. She swears.)
Rand: What do you mean, Pavel?
Chekov: (obviously hallucinating) No! It vasn’t my fault, ser! (sobering slightly) Jan . . . you and the keptin . . . I thought . . .
Rand: There, there. (smiles comfortingly) I’ll cheer you up.
(She hands him more beer and takes a moment to hotwire the light switch. The lights go out again, permanently.)
(On the bridge)
Kirk: Red Alert!
(Rand’s quarters)
(The red alert lights come on, and there is no way to shut them off.)
Rand: Crap!
Chekov: Red Alert! I’m going to the bridge!
Rand: (rushing to lock the door) No! I mean, why not stay for a while? You need to clear the brandy out of your head.
Chekov: I’ll stop by Sickbay. (face softens) Look, Jan, I’d love to stay, but the keptin may need me. Besides, I can’t betray him like this. (starts fiddling with locks on door)
Rand: NO!
(The door explodes. Chekov flies into Rand.)
(On the bridge)
Kirk: Where are they?! Uhura! Get to the brig and get Mr. Chekov right away! We’re being massacred!
Uhura: Yes, Captain! (is halfway to brig before she gets locked in the ladies room by a mischievous Mr. Kyle)
Kirk: (realizes he’s the only one left) DAMMIT! (leaves to find Chekov) (is halfway to brig before he gets sidetracked into a yeoman’s quarters)
(Rand’s quarters)
(At the sound of the door exploding, half-clothed Sulu, McCoy, Spock and Kirk and a TP-covered Uhura come running.)
Kirk: Jan! (runs forward and bounces off a secure force field)
Rand: (inside quarters) Pavel! (sob)
McCoy: I think he’s dead, Jim!
Kirk: What’s he doing in there? Jan! Answer me!
Scotty: (arriving) The Romulans! They—they—OH, ME ENGINES!
Uhura: Omigod! PAVEL!
(Uhura draws her phaser and blasts a hole in the wall.)
Uhura: Is he all right? (rushes to him)
McCoy: I was right! (pauses dramatically) He’s dead, Jim!
Kirk: (running in and grabbing Rand’s shoulders) Jan!
Uhura: PAVEL! (starts crying)
Sulu: (having difficulty because his unbuckled pants keep threatening to slip down) Oh, my God! The Romulans have taken out the port nacelle!
Kirk: Jan! What happened? Why is Chekov in here?
Rand: None of your business! Get out, you bastard!
(Kirk attempts to comfort her and gets punched.)
McCoy: Let’s get him to Sickbay!
Spock: Illogical, doctor. Mr. Chekov is dead. Sickbay can do nothing.
McCoy: Shut up, elf! I’m the doctor!
(Kirk attempts to pick Chekov up. Rand slaps him. Hard.)
Kirk: OW! What was that for?
Rand: Don’t you touch him! (she and Uhura pick Chekov up and carry him sorrowfully to Sickbay)
(In Sickbay, McCoy hooks Chekov up to a bunch of machines that pump and wheeze and sound suspiciously like a garage band performing ‘Woolly Bully’.)
McCoy: Look! (indicates monitors) He’s still dead! Let’s work together to fix it!
Chapel: (entering) PAVEL! (kisses him and begins weeping)
Chekov: Mmph!
All Women: PAVEL! YOU’RE ALIVE! (happy kissing)
McCoy: But I didn’t even do anything medical yet!
Chekov: Huh?
Kirk: HEY! Jan! (pulls her away) You son of a bitch! So THAT’S what you were doing in her quarters! She’s mine, Russian!
Chekov: No! Keptin, it vasn’t like that, I didn’t—
(Kirk’s fist smashes into Chekov’s jaw and knocks him off the operating table. He crawls backwards away from Kirk, fear in his eyes. He has a large cut on one cheek that is bleeding. Kirk advances on him.)
Women: BASTARD!
(Kirk is hit by three phasers, all on heavy stun.)
Women: (all at once) Pavel! Are you okay?
(Chekov stares at the women, then at Kirk lying face-down. He crawls towards Kirk.)
Chekov: Doctor . . . I think he’s . . . hurt . . . help the . . . keptin . . . (eyes roll up and he collapses)
McCoy: (running to examine Kirk) You’re dead, Jim!
(The ladies rejoice. Suddenly, there is a wrinkle in the fabric of space! Kirk isn’t dead anymore, because he’s the captain and he can’t die.)
McCoy: Oh! You’re not dead, Jim! (looks at Chekov) He’s dead, Jim!
Rand: No! Not again! He died because he wouldn’t betray his captain and no one believed him! (looks at Kirk) YOU! (stuns Kirk)
Sulu: Aaargh! (is suddenly buried in tribbles)
Scotty: The Romulans must be usin’ the transporter!
Spock: A logical supposition, Mr. Scott. The only alternative theory that comes to mind is that the captain has a secret toupee stash. That, although possible, is unlikely.
Women: PAVEL! (sob)
McCoy: Dammit, Spock, do something!
Spock: I am open to suggestions.
McCoy: Mind-meld or something! I’m sure you can do something!
(The women look hopeful.)
Spock: Very well. I shall attempt a meld with the captain to ascertain his method of causing wrinkles in the fabric of space.
(Spock puts his hand on Kirk’s face and looks deeply reflective.)
Spock: He doesn’t. The writers do.
(cries of disappointment)
Rand: You! Writers! We know where you live!
(Suddenly, there is another abrupt wrinkle in the fabric of space!)
Chekov: Vha—
Women: PAVEL!
Kirk: (reviving) The Romulans! (the ship shakes) They’re still attacking! Mr. Chekov, get up there and man the torpedoes!
(On the bridge)
Kirk: Get me Fred!
Chekov: Fred?
Uhura: Onscreen, Captain.
Fred: One last chance, Kirk. Surrender or die!
Kirk: Nothing doing! We’ve got our torpedoer now, and you’re spacedust! Cut transmission!
(Uhura fiddles around for about thirty seconds before cutting the transmission.)
Kirk: Dammit, Uhura, you destroyed the dramatic tension!
Uhura: Oops. Sorry, Captain.
Kirk: Fire torpedoes!
Chekov: Aye, Keptin. (fires) (nothing happens) It vasn’t my fault, Keptin! Please don’t hurt me!
Kirk: Huh? Oh! (strides up and punches Chekov, who for once is not seriously injured) (gets stunned again)
Chekov: All right, you Romulan Cossacks, I’ll show you how a Russian fights!
(Romulan ships are vaporized.)
Kirk: (reviving) Where’z my . . . ale?
Uhura: Chekov vaporized the Romulans, sir!
Kirk: (confused) But he’s still here . . . (looks annoyed) I said, where’s my ale? The Romulans must have taken it! The bastards!
Spock: I believe it belonged to them originally anyway, Captain.
Kirk: Okay! Next mission! TO ROMULUS! LET’S GET THAT ALE!
(The bridge resounds with cheers as ENTERPRISE warps off.)
Space . . .
The final frontier . . .
These are the tragedies of the Starship ENTERPRISE . . .
Its generally PG-rated mission . . .
To destroy new delusions of innocence . . .
To seek out new atrocities and old Romulan ale . . .
To boldly be more maudlin than anyone has been before!