You Can Hurt Yourself If You Run With A Bat’leth


(All appears normal on the bridge.)

Kirk: You can’t do this to me! I’m the captain! I order you.....

Sulu: You lost, fair and square, Captain.

Chekov: And you promised not to pull rank, so hold still.

Kirk: I lied! Let me go!

Spock: According to Starfleet statues, Captain, your word is legally binding.

Kirk: But—but—Spock, you traitor! (thrash)

Uhura: We all threw dice and you lost, Captain. Take it like a man!

Kirk: I don’t wanna!!!!

(The crew continues to duct-tape Kirk to his chair, and Uhura rips off an extra piece to put over his mouth. Sulu warms up his throwing arm and distributes darts.)

Kirk: Mfo! Mfo! Foo mahnf foo fismh!

Chekov: Now, Keptin, don’t make me stop having you as my role model.

Rand: So, are we allowed to.....um, miss?

Chapel: Eeek! Pointy things! Spock, save me!

Sulu: Remember, the bullseye is worth free drinks for a week, and the first person who can pin the toupee gets a hundred credits.

Kirk: MFO! Feemfofonf!

Rand: (sweetly) What was that, Captain? I can’t hear you.....

Scotty: (coming in) Drinks, anyone?

Rand: Ah, an EXCUSE to miss..... (reaches for brandy)

(Chekov slips a very small target over Kirk’s head.)

Chekov: (holding up pop-phaser) Ready, eweryvun? Okay, vun....two....three!

(Everyone hurls their dart except Spock and Chekov. Sulu manages to pierce Kirk’s ear. Uhura’s dart goes wild and kills a redshirt. Scotty hits the command chair. Chapel pins his left sleeve to the chair. Rand’s dart lands a half-inch from a very delicate area.)

Rand: Drat! I missed! Um....I mean I missed the target.

Kirk: MRANF!

Spock: (calculating intensely) If the trajectory is the square root of .05367 multiplied by pi, and the wind from the vent provides a second vector that may alter the dart’s course by twelve degrees approximately 1.296 seconds into its flight.....

(Spock considers, then draws back his arm and throws his dart with a precise movement just as he trips over Uhura’s ankle. The dart lands a half-inch from Rand’s, impaling the delicate area dead-on.)

Spock: Hmm. Perhaps I should have calculated with that eventuality as an added factor.....

Kirk: MFAAAOOGAHF!

Uhura: Scotty, where did you find these rigged dice, anyway? They were really helpful!

Sulu: It’s a good thing he’s such a gambler. Chekov, are you going to throw yours or what?

(Kirk chews through the duct tape. Chekov pins the toupee neatly as Sulu slaps him on the back, making his shot go high.)

Chekov: Aha! The hundred credits are mine!

Sulu: Foul! That doesn’t count! Foul!

Kirk: Fohrm feemfohef, Femfin!

Chekov: Stop vhining, Hikaru. You know that Russians are better at darts.

Kirk: Untie me, NOW! (spits out duct tape)

Spock: Oh, phooey.

(He drops his dart, which hits the helm, which detonates.)

Scotty: Oops.

Sulu: My console!

Chekov: Phooey? (pulls out Russian-to-English pocket dictionary) It is not in here. Is it a svear vord?

Kirk: UNTIE ME—what’s that?

Spock: It appears to be an alien spaceship.

Uhura: We’re being hailed, sir!

Kirk: Onscreen!

(The thing on the screen is green, and has one eye on a long stalk that seems to compromise most of its body mass.)

Thing: We are beings from the planet Vorticon. We would speak with your leader. (looks at Spock expectantly)

Kirk: Hey! He’s not the leader here! I am!

Vorticon: Do not think to decieve us, carbon-based life-form! For this attempt at treachery, you will be punished!

(A large anvil falls on Kirk’s head.)

Spock: We are the Federation Starship ENTERPRISE. I am Spock. We are on a peaceful data-gathering mission.

Vorticon: Do you have any female units?

Uhura: Units?

Spock: Both male and female life-forms are on this ship.

Vorticon: Aha! Here’s some! Activate the beam!

Kirk: NOOOO! (thrash) (thrash)

Chapel: EEK! Spock, save meeEEE.....

(All females fizzle out. Spock looks vaguely relieved.)

Sulu: Well, BUMMER.

(The Vorticon ship warps away.)

Kirk: Sulu, follow that ship!

Sulu: I can’t. Spock blew up the helm.

Kirk: SCOTTY!

Chekov: Our ratings are going to go down, aren’t they?

Scotty: I canna do anythin’! The wires are fused!

Kirk: This can’t be happening! I can’t go on like this!

Sulu: There’s only one thing to do.....

McCoy: (over comm) NO TIME TRAVEL!

Sulu: How did you know?

McCoy: Trade secret. For God’s sake, man, NO!

Sulu: Well, then, Chekov! The LS!

Scotty: D?

Chekov: The—the Last Save? But Hikaru!

Sulu: Just do it! We don’t have any other choice!

Chekov: *sigh* Okay. (kneels) Authors, pleeze pleeze fix our helm. For me? (looks up with googly eyes and all the cuteness he can muster)

Scotty: I canna believe you’re wastin’ your time—huh?

Spock: Fascinating.

Sulu: It worked!

Authors: We love you, Chekov!

Kirk: Unfair! Unfair!

Authors: Can it, Jimmy-boy.

(Two attractive, scantily-clad women appear. Kirk slavers.)

Author Svetlana: Since you’re short on females at the moment.....

Author Vayeska: .....we thought we’d drop in.

(They drape themselves all over Chekov, who looks singularly pleased with himself.)

Vayeska: And just for fun.....

(A blue-haired man and a red-haired woman also appear.)

Kirk: Wowee! Hey, baby!

Woman: You bleeping idiot! I’m seven months PREGNANT, for God’s sake!

Man: You cad!

Kirk: C’mon, angel, that’s no problem, I— (freezes, staring at her hand) What’s that?!

Woman: My wedding ring?

Kirk: AIEEEE!

Sulu: The infamous Captain-Bane!

(Jesse knocks Kirk away and appropriates the command chair.)

Jesse: Ah, much better.

Chekov: Keptin?

(Uhura’s console bleeps.)

Uhura: Incoming transmission, Captain!

Kirk: (levering himself up) Onscreen!

(The Vorticon commander reappears. Chapel, Rand and Uhura are standing on the Vorticon bridge under heavy guard.)

Vorticon: We have detected more female life-forms aboard your ship! Hand them over!

Kirk: Never! I will fight to the death for my lovers—OWWWW!

Sulu: Er, he means no.

Svetlana: No problem. They can’t touch US.

James: But what about Jesse?

Jesse: (acidly) I’m sure I’ll be fine, James dearest.

James: But you shouldn’t swing mallets in your condition! The doctor said—

Vorticon: Our beam is departicalized from the last use! We’ll have to board and take them!

Chapel: Spock!!! Hurry up! Save me!

Kirk: Don’t worry, Janice, I’ll rescue you!

Rand: EEK! Spock, save me!

(Vorticon shapes solidify on the bridge.)

Svetlana & Vayeska: Save us, Pavel! (giggle)

James: Don’t worry, Jesse, I’ll protect you!

Vorticon: This female is reproducing. To aid our conquest, we will speed up the cycle by two Earth time periods known as months. (produces humming instruments and aims them at Jesse)

Jesse: WHAT?!

James: But the nursery isn’t finished yet!

Jesse: Doctor’s orders or no—

Kirk: Now, now, in your delicate condition, you should let us big, strong men handle it from— (gets kicked)

Scotty: Oh, no! I’ve deserted me engines! I’ll nae forgive meself if anything’s happened to them! (flees to engine room)

(Vorticons attempt to put hands on the two authors. There are an alarming number of little green puddles of goo soaking into bridge carpeting.)

Kirk: My carpet!

Chapel: Spooooock!!!

Chekov: Vhat should ve do?

Spock: (looking into blue viewing-thingy) Fascinating. Captain, I believe this might interest you.

Kirk: Well, what is it? Hurry up!

Spock: It appears that these Vorticons are not, in fact, Vorticons. The species listed under that name are tall, furry, and in some ways resemble Terran wolves.

Vorticons: They’ve found us out! Oh, no!

Spock: (continuing) These creatures, with one eye and a long neck-stalk, are a subourdinate sub-species from the same planet and are listed as “Pushpees.”

Pushpees: Retreat! Retreat!

(They beam back to their ship.)

Pushpees: We have no choice! We must send—our god!

All Pushpees: Garg! Garg! Gaaaarg!!!

(A huge green critter appears on the bridge and eats a redshirt and half of Chekov’s console.)

James: Aaah!

Kirk: Don’t worry, cookie, I’ll protect you! (grabs Jesse’s arm)

Svetlana & Vayeska: I guess we have to go now. More important matters. Bye, sweetie! (smooch)

(Chekov faints. Both authors disappear.)

Jesse: We’ll see who needs PROTECTION!

James: But Jesse! The doctor SAID—

Garg: GAAARGG! (eats the back of Kirk’s trousers)

(Half the Pushpees throw up and die. Rand turns green. Spock’s ears wilt.)

Sulu: Holy Hera! (flees)

James: Just breathe, honey, breathe!

Jesse: YOU breathe!

Spock: Fascinating. It appears that this woman is in labor.

Kirk: NOT IN MY COMMAND CHAIR!!! (whacks comm button) Bones, get up here NOW!

Garg: GAAARRGGG! (eats Kirk’s toupee)

Kirk: AIEEE! (flees with hands over his head)

(All crew facing the lift blanch and collapse. McCoy opens the lift doors and crashes into Kirk, who falls on his tush. The doctor rushes to Jesse.)

McCoy: I’ve never had to deal with this before!

Jesse: (grabbing his collar) Codeine! NOW!

James: (running around frantically) Hot water! Hot water! Clean towels!

(Uhura leads Rand and Chapel in an assault against the Pushpees. Millions die.)

Kirk: My God! Save my chair! I’ll do anything! Hey, beautiful author babes! Spare it, please!

(An anvil falls on Kirk’s head. Evil laughter.)

James: OH MY GOD!!! (faints)

McCoy: Eeeew.....

Jesse: Wow, those drugs are really something. I didn’t feel a thing. Is it a girl?

McCoy: Yup.

Jesse: What was the name we agreed on, James? James? Oh, for God’s sake, wake up!

(The authors, with no idea what to do next, send Jesse and James back where they came from.)

Kirk: (mournfully) My CHAIR.....

Sulu: (reentering) Oh, pipe down, it’ll wash off with soap.

Kirk: Oh, well, another mission brilliantly finished by yours truly!

Scotty: (over comm) Not exactly, sair. There’s still the matter of the girls.....

(Scenes of mass carnage onscreen. Karate sounds and yips from offscreen.)

Spock: Mr. Scott, it may be possible to reprogram the transporter to pinpoint only those with female biology.

Scotty: Right! (fiddles around for a moment or two) I think I’ve got it, sair. Here goes.

(The women reappear. Rand just can’t seem to stop her kick, and creams Kirk.)

Garg: GAARRG! (eats Kirk’s boxers)

Everyone: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Sulu: The horror.....the horror.....

(The bridge is swarming with Pushpees.)

Kirk: Spock, are we under attack?

Spock: Negative, Captain. When Mr. Scott set the transporter for females, he neglected to specify the species. Consequently, all the female Pushpees have been transported here also, along with females of other species they have already captured.

McCoy: Dammit, Spock, this was your idea!

Kirk: So, short, green and gorgeous, whatcha doin’ tonight? (Pushpee dies)

Garg: GARGGGH!!! (eats Kirk’s shirt)

(Rand faints. Chapel throws up on the mortified Spock. Pushpees die by the thousands.)

Spock: If you would reset the transporter, Mr. Scott.....

Scotty: AAAH! I’m settin’, I’m settin’!

(All the female Pushpees fade out. The Pushpee ship warps away hastily.)

Spock: And if I may leave, so as to don a clean uniform.....

Chapel: I’m so embarrassed.....

Garg: GAAAARRGGG!!!! (bites Kirk’s rear) (dies)

Kirk: Eek!

Spock: (attempting to remain calm) Perhaps you should find some clothing, Captain.....

Uhura: Waaaaah! (cries in fear on the still-unconscious Chekov)

Chekov: Huh? Mmph!

(Kirk suddenly has clothes again, since the authors can no longer stand to have him nude. However, they do not return his toupee, and Kirk is forced to grab a random tribble.)

Rand: (reviving) Thank God.....

Kirk: Well, that’s over with.

Sulu: But wait, Captain. We didn’t finish our game.

Kirk: What?! NO! NO! MFORGFLEEHFL.....


Space.....
The final frontier.....
These are the voyages of the Starship ENTERPRISE.....
Her confused mission.....
To explore strange, new genders.....
To seek out green stuff and the female equivalent thereof.....
To bodly eat what.....well, basically nobody wanted to eat before!