The Snack Food from Hell


(The bridge appears normal until Sulu runs terrifiedly onto it.)

Sulu: Help! Help! The Doritos!

(A bunch of Doritos with razor-sharp teeth hop after him.)

Kirk: Phasers on kill! Wait, it’s a new life-form! Phasers on stun!

Spock: Shouldn’t we attempt to communicate?

(Redshirt manning Sulu’s post screams and dies as Doritos devour him.)

Kirk: No.

McCoy: He’s dead, Jim!

Kirk: Fire!

(The Doritos head for Chekov, who fires desperately but of course has no effect. He gives up, throws his phaser at the chips and runs for his life, pursued by Doritos and in danger of being cooked by phaser fire.)

Chekov: Keptin! Help! I don’t vant to be eaten by a snack food!

Kirk: Everybody, try to hit the Doritos, not the ensign.

(Uhura promptly blasts Chekov, heavy stun.)

Uhura: Oh, my God! Pavel!

Kirk: Uhura!

(The Doritos swarm over Chekov. Uhura jumps in and starts crunching them, stomping and whacking.)

Uhura: Die! Die! Monsters! You offspring of a moldy Frito!

(Chekov cannot be seen under the Doritos, but they do not appear to be eating him yet.)

Kirk: Lieutenant! You appear to be using unwarranted force . . .

(A Dorito bites his ankle.)

Kirk: Ow! Son of a bitch! (crunch)

Spock: Captain, there is no cause for the creatures annihilation. It was merely—

(Suddenly, the Doritos on top of Chekov begin emitting a high-pitched keening. Spock keels over. McCoy jerks upright, his eyes glazing, and begins to dance ballet while singing the Pizza Pringles song.)

Kirk: Get the Doritos, then get McCoy!

Scotty: Ye cannae do tha’, Captin, he’s a regular!

Kirk: Damn!

(Scotty suddenly dives for Kirk’s throat.)

Scotty: Gi’ me the duct tape or die!

Kirk: Scotty! No! I’M A REGULAR! You can’t—OW! BONES! HELP! SH-I-I-I-T!

Uhura: (still crunching) DEATH TO ALL DORITOS!

Sulu: Help! Help! Captain! Mandala! Somebody!

Scotty: THE DUCT TAPE! NOW!

McCoy: Ma-ma-MI-a, pizza PRINGLES . . .

Kirk: HERE! (throws duct tape at Scotty) (hits Scotty on head) (Scotty is down)

Uhura: @*!!% . . . (crunch) (crunch)

(Suddenly, every Dorito on the bridge vanishes in a blinding flash of light.)

Everybody: Cooool . . .

Uhura: THE CHIPS ARE VANQUISHED! (begins crunching already dead Doritos into bridge carpeting)

McCoy: Oh, my God . . . What have I been doing?

Spock: (reviving) Fascinating.

Kirk: Get Chekov down to Sickbay and wake him up! He’s on landing party duty! We’re going to find out where those Doritos came from!!

Scotty: But sair, there isna a planet nearby.

Kirk: There is now. The writers just decided to add one.

(Green planet appears on viewscreen.)

Everybody: Whoaaa . . .

McCoy: (examining Chekov) He’s dead, Jim!

Kirk: He is?!

McCoy: No, not really. I just felt a strange compulsion to say that.

(Uhura assists McCoy in taking Chekov to Sickbay.)

(In Sickbay)

McCoy: Come on, Chekov, wake up!

Uhura: Pavel, talk to me!

Chapel: (coming in) Oh, Pavel! (sob)

McCoy: Dammit!

Chapel & Uhura: WOE IS US! PAVEL!

Chekov: Huh?

Chapel & Uhura: PAVEL! (mad kissing)

Chekov: Mmph!

McCoy: Chekov, c’mon. You’re on landing party duty.

Chekov: (pulling away reluctantly) Yes, ser. Coming.

Chapel & Uhura: We’re on landing party duty, too!

McCoy: No, you’re not, Chris!

Chapel: Shut up or you die!

McCoy: Sleepy time! (hiss of hypo)

(Uhura grins as Chapel sags to the floor. She grabs Chekov’s arm.)

Uhura: Let’s go, Pavel!

(Transporter Room)

Kirk: Let’s go!

(They beam down to a planet that bears remarkable resemblance to all the planets they’ve ever beamed down to.)

Kirk: Look!

(A flock of giant, bloodthirsty Doritos stand nearby. They do nothing.)

Uhura: DIE! (leaps forward) HA! (executes karate kick)

(Uhura crunches the Doritos wildly. The Doritos do nothing.)

Doritos: We were testing you. You are too violent. You must be destroyed.

(The Doritos all pull out strange guns and shoot at Kirk. All of them hit a redshirt.)

Chekov: Ve’re going to die!

Uhura: DIE, DORITOS! (crunch) (crunch) (crunch)

(The Doritos methodically slaughter all the redshirts, then swarm at Chekov.)

Chekov: K-E-E-E-PTIN!! (screams as Doritos swarm over him) (continues screaming piteously)

Everybody: CHEKOV!

Uhura: AAARGH! (crunch) (crunch)

(Chekov wails piercingly and falls silent. The Doritos leave him to focus on Sulu.)

McCoy: He’s dead, Jim!

Kirk: Well, then, dammit, FIX it Bones!

Spock: That is illogical. Mr. Chekov is dead. He cannot be fixed.

Kirk: Nobody asked you! BONES! FIX IT!

McCoy: Right! Give me a rock!

(No rock smaller than the ones they always hide behind can be found.)

McCoy: Dammit, Jim, I’m a doctor, not the prop boy!

Kirk: Wait! Maybe this is all imaginary!

Spock: Right!

(Suddenly everything is normal again.)

Kirk: Wow. I was right??

Spock: Fascinating.

Uhura: PAVEL! (mad kissing)

Chekov: Mmph!

Kirk: Well, back to normal. I’m retiring to my quarters. I am not to be disturbed. You, Ensign, will be held personally responsible if anyone bothers me.

Chekov: *sigh* Aye, ser.


Space. . .
The final frontier. . .
These are the discrepancies of the Starship ENTERPRISE. . .
Its ongoing mission. . .
To misplace strange, new worlds. . .
To crunch new life and old chip bags. . .
To boldly bumble like no one has bumbled before!