Two Knuckleheads Are Better Than One
(In the woods. A huge mansion stands nearby, looking run-down and deserted.)
James: Here? You want to live here? But it's all broken down!
Jesse: We can fix it. Another of my talents, although one of the less glamorous ones, is fixing things.
James: *sigh* If you say so.
Meowth: Stop grumblin' and get ta woik!
(Cut to Team Twerp hiding in the bushes.)
Brock: I'm sure glad we followed them. They're up to no good.
Ash: So you really think this is gonna be their new headquarters?
Misty: What I think is that you're both morons, but it's just one person's opinion, since I'm the only one here with a brain.
Brock: Hey!
Ash: Huh?
Misty: Never mind! (muttering) Numbnuts.
Ash: What did you call me?
Misty: Nothing. Now be quiet!
(Meanwhile, inside.....)
Jesse: Okay, since I'm the only one who knows what to do, I'll be management, and you'll be labor.
James: What does that mean, Jesse?
Jesse: It means you have to do whatever I tell you!
Meowth: How is dat different from any other day?
Jesse: It's not. Now go fetch me a hammer and nails.
Meowth: FETCH?!?!?! Do I look like a Growlithe to you?!?!?
Jesse: I think you look like you want me to punt you out this window!!!
James: Actually, if you squint a little, there is a resemblance.
Meowth: Real funny, James. You know, if you squint a little, you look kinda like a Smurf wit dat blue hair.
James: I do not look like a Smurf! Smurfs don't have blue hair, they have blue skin!!!
Jesse: Um, James, how do you know so much about Smurfs?
Meowth: He's got a stuffed one he sleeps wit at night!
James: You promised you would never tell anyone that, you - you - you - Growlithe wannabe!
Meowth: Growlithe wannabe?!?! Dat's it!! FURY SWIPES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Sounds of crashes and cries of pain ensue. Team Twerp begins to snicker, and then giggle, and then howl with laughter.)
Ash: James sleeps with a Smurf!!!!!!!!!!!
Brock: So do you, Ash!
Ash: You leave Papa Smurf out of this!
(Misty and Pikachu can't stop laughing. They are rolling on the ground holding their sides because they hurt from so much laughing.)
Misty: Oh, it's too much! A stuffed Smurf! Hahahahaha!
Ash: Shut up, Misty!
Misty: What's his name again, Ash? Hahahaha!
Ash: Shut up! (Covers his ears.)
Misty: Alright, calm down. I'll stop teasing you......(Mutters.) numbnuts.
Ash: I heard it that time! You called me numbnuts!!!! (Pause.) That's bad, right?
Misty: Wow. Your mental prowess never ceases to amaze me.
Ash: Why, thank you. (Pause.) HEY! That was an insult, too!
Misty: Shut up! They'll hear us.
Meowth: Ya think so?
Ash: Eep!
Brock: Oh, no! They found us!
Meowth: Just get lost, and maybe we won't whip yous in da face, numbnuts!
Ash: Why does everybody keep calling me that?
Meowth: Oh yeah, and hand over da Pikachu!
Ash: No!
Misty: Oh, just give the thing up already, it just makes them come back!
Ash: Which side are you on?
Misty: MY side.
Jesse: Meowth, who are you talking to out there? Bring me those nails and that hammer if you want to see the sunrise!
James: But I already got them for you, Jesse.
Jesse: Oh, thanks. Meowth, you slacker, get in here!
Ash: We can't let him get aw—
(Meowth wreaks physical damage on him and calmly walks away.)
Brock: Oh, no! It looks like he's really hurt!
Misty: Should we take him to a doctor?
Brock: No, we can't move him! Stay here! I'll go get Nurse Joy!
Misty: No way! I don't wanna stay here with numbnuts while you flirt with Nurse Joy. You stay here. I'll get help.
(Misty leaves.)
Brock: Oh, man.... I was this close to spending some quality time with that foxy Nurse Joy.
Ash: (Weakly.) I'm glad you're so concerned for me.
Brock: Shut up, numbnuts.
(Brock sulks and glares at Ash who is laboring to breathe.)
Ash: Ow, my ribcage...
Brock: For the last time, shut up!
Ash: Do you have any aspirin, Brock?
Brock: No!! Now shut up!!!
Ash: But Brock.....
Brock: Get bent, numbnuts. I'm gonna find Nurse Joy.
(Brock leaves.)
(Meanwhile, inside....)
*Crash* *Bang*
Jesse: Watch it, moron! You'll kill me if you drop that hammer!
Meowth: Nah, his aim's not dat good!
James: Why, you.... (Is about to throw hammer at Meowth.) AAAAHHH!!!!! Jesse, hold the ladder!!!
Jesse: Well stop clowning around, you moron! And besides, Meowth is right. I'd say you throw like a girl, but that would be an insult to my gender!
James: Oh. Hey, guys, I have to—(his face goes red)—I have to......you know, visit the bushes.......
Jesse: Go ahead. But as soon as you finish taking a leak, come right back!
(James heads off. Once outside, he trips over Ash.)
James: Hey! What are you doing here?
Ash: Bleeding.
James: Oh. Well, I always carry a first-aid kit with me, in case we get caught in one of our own traps again.
Ash: Please help me......
James: You're my enemy! But.... I suppose I can help you just this once....
(James proceeds to bandage Ash up.)
Ash: Thanks. Say, where were you going in a hurry?
James: Out to the bushes. And to get away from my team for a little while.
Ash: Is everybody picking on you, too?
James: Yeah. They said I look like a Smurf! *Sob*
Ash: (Resisting his impulse to giggle.) Yeah, I heard them. I know how you feel. Everybody's calling me numbnuts. I don't even know what 'numbnuts' means!
James: Well don't ask me. I don't know.
Ash: (Getting what is perhaps the ONLY bright idea of his life.) Hey! Why don't we teach them a lesson! We can team up and show them that we're not such losers!
James: Well, uh.....maybe, but Jesse wouldn't like that....and I don't want to make her mad.
Ash: Come on, James! You owe it to yourself!
James: I do? But you're my enemy!
Ash: Well, yeah, but I'd be willing to stay out of your guys's way next time you try a big haul.
James: Done!
(They shake hands.)
Ash: Alright, let's go!
James: Where are we going?
(Ash stands and holds his hand up, pointing his finger to the sky, in what he hopes is an impressive pose.)
Ash: We're gonna get some Pokemon!
James: (Slightly confused.) For Team Rocket?
Ash: No, for ourselves! To the Pokemon center! (Falls over.) But first, to the pharmacy. I need some aspirin. And an icepack. And a tourniquet.
James: (Shrugs.) Okay, but you're paying. (Helps Ash to his feet. They leave.)
Jesse: (Still inside, screaming at the top of her lungs.) MEOWTH!!!! GET YOUR FURRY BEHIND OVER HERE RIGHT NOW!!!!!!
Meowth: DO IT YASELF, JESSE!!!! YA CAN'T BOSS ME AROUND!!!!
Jesse: OH, REALLY?! (Jesse hurls a ladder at him. Meowth is slammed into the wall. He yells in pain and retaliates with a full paintbucket. Jesse screams.) My uniform! You stupid @#%#&@$@%$#$%#&%#%$#&&!!!!!!!!!!!!
(They continue to smack each other with various lethal objects, while Brock wanders aimlessly by, hoping to be found and escorted to civilization by Officer Jenny.)
(Meanwhile, Ash and James enter the town and head for the Pokemon Center. James suddenly gets a semi-bright idea.)
James: You know, twerp, someone's going to ask questions if we just stroll into the Center. Well, maybe not you, but both of us together?
Ash: Hmm. You're right. How about you just disguise yourself again?
James: Well, I guess I could do that......
Ash: Then do it!
(In a short while, they resume their trek, with James perfectly disguised as Professor Oak.)
Ash: Wow. I can't even tell it's you!
James: No offense, but you're not the hardest person in the world to trick.
Ash: (Has no clue James just implied that he is dimwitted because he's too dimwitted to know when someone calls him dimwitted.) Hey, maybe you should talk in Professor Oak's voice.
James: (In a perfect mimicry of Prof. Oak) Hello, I'm Professor Oak!
Ash: Wow! Say somthing else!
James: That's all I can say!
Ash: Well, we'll just have to work around that, I guess.
(They get to the Pokemon center and walk in. Immediately, they are greeted by Nurse Joy.)
Joy: Hello!
James: Hello, I'm Professor Oak!
Joy: I know! Everyone knows you!
Ash: You must know me, too! The best, most famous, most talented trainer ever from the town of Pallet!
Joy: (Looks confused.) I thought Gary Oak was taller...
(Ash collapses anime-style.)
Misty: (Who has just walked in from the back room where she had been looking at the water Pokemon recovering from battles. She overhears their conversation.) And far more attractive.
(Ash writhes on the floor in agony.)
Misty: How the heck did you get here, Ash?
Ash: (Thanks to the magic of animation, instantly back on his feet.) Uh, Professor Oak found me and helped me. Why were you back there? Weren't you coming back for me?
Misty: Uh, yeah... Sure...
Ash: (Not realizing that she had been planning to ditch him, he accepts her answer as the truth.) Well, I'm okay now, but Brock wandered off. Maybe you should go look for him.
Misty: Yeah, like I really want to find a stupid pervert who'll chase anything in a skirt?
Ash: Would you rather hang out with Tracey again? He just draws anything in a skirt.
Misty: (Horrified, as most are, at the mention of the voyeristic young boy.) BROCK!!!! WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!?! (Runs screaming from the Pokemon Center.)
Nurse Joy: Oh, dear. I do hope she's all right.
Ash: Don't worry, she's always like that.
James: Hello, I'm Professor Oak!
Joy: Yes, I know that!
James: (At a loss for something else to say.) Hello, I'm Professor Oak!
Joy: Professor, are you all right?
Ash: Um, gotta go! Bye!
(Ash grabs James and pulls him out the door.)
James: Hmmm..... Maybe I should try a different disguise.....
Ash: Let's go around the back!
(They go around to the back door of the Pokemon Center. Luckily, it is unlocked and they manage to slip in undetected. Once in, they start gathering Pokeballs. They hear someone coming. Ash ducks under a table. James tries to hide, but is unable to before Nurse Joy enters the room.)
Joy: Professor Oak? Didn't you just leave? What are you doing here?
James: (Nervous and has no clue what to do.) Hello, I'm Professor Oak.
Joy: (Concerned.) Are you sure you're alright?
(James becomes increasingly nervous and stutters. Ash, for once thinking, grabs more Pokeballs while James distracts Nurse Joy. Once he has all he can carry, he decides it's time for an exit.)
Ash: (Getting out from underneath the table.) He's fine, Nurse Joy. It's just time for his nap.
Joy: What are you doing under there?!
Ash: (Holds out a few Pokeballs.) These Pokemon need special care which only Professor Oak can supply. We're taking them to his lab so he can treat them.
Joy: (Slightly skeptical and a little confused.) Treat them for what?
Ash: Um, lupus! (Grabs James' arm.) C'mon Professor, these Pokemon need our help right away!
(They hastily depart. They run as fast as they can, not stopping or slowing until they reach the city limits. Once there, they stop to celebrate their haul.)
Ash: Yes! We did it!
James: It worked! It worked! A plan actually worked!
(After a few minutes of jumping around in excitement....)
Ash: We sure showed them we're not losers, huh, James?
James: (Still giddy from the success.) *giggles* Let's see what kind of Pokemon we got and divide them up!
Ash: Yeah! Good idea! (He dumps the Pokeballs onto the ground. He and James promptly open every single one. Slowly, their euphoria fades as they realize a harsh reality....)
(Back at the Pokemon Center.)
Joy: I wonder if I should have told them those were all EMPTY Pokeballs.....
(Back at the mansion.......)
Jesse: Where do you suppose James has gone off to?
Meowth: Hopefully to da brain surgeon.
(James comes back, looking dejected, with Ash in tow.)
Jesse: James! What are you doing with the twerp?
James: Well, you see, I kind of teamed up with him to pull off a heist, and it actually worked, but......
Meowth: But.......?
James: Um, well......
(He shows them.)
(The setting sun turns the sky a brilliant red, drowning out the blue, almost symbolic of the carnage taking place below. Ash dashes madly off into the woods, reflecting that he should never have teamed up with a nitwit and conveniently forgetting his own mental status. Up above, in the trees, a flock of Spearows watch with interest as the funny blue creature is smacked around unmercifully by the angry red creature.)
Jesse: You knucklehead!
THE END