Operation Earth
(BOOM.)
(On the bridge, all appears normal. Little do they know . . .)
Uhura: Message from Starfleet Command, sir.
Kirk: Onscreen, Lieutenant.
(Screen crackles and shows an admiral. He is singed. There are explosions in the background.)
Admiral: Kirk! You've got to time-travel and save the world! Terrorists are trying to blow up Earth! Repeat, terr --
(silence)
Uhura: Connection lost, Captain.
(A big light that reminds one of an explosion shows on the viewscreen.)
Everybody: Ooh . . . aah . . .
Chekov: How beautiful!
Kirk: It's true! They've blown Earth up!
Chekov: (in realization) RUSSIA!
Kirk: Pull yourself together! We must follow orders! Time-travel ho!
McCoy: Oh, no!
Kirk: Spock, start computing for time travel!
Spock: (absently) Yes, Captain. (continues staring into viewer)
(The ENTERPRISE slingshots around the sun, but something is wrong! Earth has no bright lights!)
Kirk: What happened? (walks over to Spock) What are you doing?
Spock: (distracted) Yes, Captain.
Kirk: Spock! Pay attention to me!
Spock: (looking up guiltily) Yes?
Kirk: What's in there? (indicates viewer)
Spock: (stiffening) Nothing, Captain.
Kirk: C'mon.
Spock: I'd tell you, but you'd never let me have it back.
Kirk: Move over! That's an order! (peers into viewer) (starts drooling and hooting) Baby-o-baby! Wooeee!
Spock: Shame . . .
Uhura: Captain?
Kirk: Yowza! (ignores Uhura)
(Spock pushes a hidden button. Kirk jerks upright.)
Kirk: Hey!
Spock: If I may, Captain, I wish to go to my quarters . . .
Kirk: Where did you GET that stuff?
Spock: May I go?
Sulu: Never mind THAT! Where are we?
Kirk: Right. Spock, you were calculating the equations?
Spock: Umm . . . equations?
Chekov: All my culture . . . my heritage . . . our glorious empire . . . gone . . .
Kirk: Quiet, Ensign! You mean you weren't calculating the equations?
Spock: I do not wish to plead, Captain . . .
Kirk: If you weren't, where the hell are we?!
Spock: (looks pained) I must go, Captain. I . . . need to use the spacejohn.
Kirk: (roaring) I WANT TO KNOW WHERE THE HELL WE ARE!
Spock: Umm . . . (looks at buttons) ThirteenthcenturyEarthmedievaleraI'mgoingnowthankyou. (flees)
Everybody: WHAT?!
Chekov: Our vondrous inwentions . . . our beautiful cities . . .
Kirk: Quiet! What did Spock say?
Uhura: We could reread the script.
Kirk: Good idea! Come to my quarters later for your reward!
Uhura: Captain Kirk!
Kirk: Oh, yes, the script! (reads carefully) Thirteenth century earth medieval era?!
Scotty: We'll ha' to beam down!
McCoy: Right! Gather the redshirts!
Sulu: Maybe there'll be some babes!
Chekov: The majestic country . . . our paradisical landscape . . . gone . . . all gone . . .
(Sulu goes to retrieve Spock, who comes back reluctantly. All the regulars plus a bunch of redshirts beam down. They materialize in the middle of a jousting tournament. The writers laugh evilly.)
Kirk: What the hell?
(A redshirt is impaled by a lance and dies.)
Kirk: Phasers on kill!
Spock: Captain, the Prime Directive . . .
Kirk: Fire!
(The jousters are vaporized. Chekov's phaser does not go off.)
King: Sieze them!
(They are siezed.)
King: Witches! Heretics! They will be burned at the stake!
Kirk: Bad. Bad, bad, bad. Spock, you're getting demoted!
Uhura: Help! Help! Pavel!
Sulu: We're in trouble!
Chekov: My land . . . my home . . .
Scotty: Pavel! Say your line!
Chekov: (melancholy) Ve're going to die!
Spock: If I free us, will I preserve my rank?
Kirk: Yes!
Spock: Right! (nerve-pinches guards)
Kirk: Run!
(They all run except Chekov, who is mumbling morosely. He is recaptured.)
Uhura: PAVEL! (runs back)
(Uhura decks the remaining guards with karate kicks and drags the Russian away.)
Uhura: C'mon, Pavel!
(A bunch of knights in dented armor chase after them, mowing down a few redshirts as they go.)
Kirk: (as Chekov and Uhura run to join them) Chekov! You're demoted!
Chekov: But ser, I'm an ensign. I can't be demoted.
Kirk: Fine! Then you'll get a complete physical five times over when we get back!
Chekov: No! Not the -- the -- SAMPLES! (looks horrified) I'll be good, ser, it vill newer happen again, ser, please ser . . .
(The knights catch up. Kirk looks concerned.)
Kirk: We're running out of redshirts! Phasers!
Uhura: My phaser's overcharged!
(She throws her phaser at the knights but is captured, as is Chekov, whose phaser did not go off.)
Chekov: Uhura! (kicks the knight holding her in the armor gap between his legs) (Uhura wriggles free)
Uhura: Pavel!
Chekov: Get out of here, Uhura! I'll catch up later!
Uhura: But . . .
Chekov: GO!
(He twists frantically in the grip of the knight, but cannot get free. Uhura runs back to the rest of the crew.)
(Later, in a dungeon . . .)
(Knights throw Chekov into a nasty little cell. He looks confused and beat up.)
Chekov: Oh, great . . .
(Back at the jousting field)
Uhura: Pavel saved me! (sob) He's gone! (weeping)
Kirk: Damn. Now Janice won't speak to me for a month, and unless we get him back, probably for the rest of the mission and beyond. (sighs, exasperated) She's so temperamental.
Spock: Captain, I believe it is imperative that we rescue Mr. Chekov to prevent the alteration of history.
Kirk: Good idea! But where did they take him?
Sulu: We could ask that guy up there with the crown . . .
(They approach the king, who looks royally nervous.)
Kirk: I am Captain James T. Kirk. We are here accidentally and wish to leave. Where is my other crewman?
Sulu: Here we go again.
King: (looking even more nervous) Who are you? Whence have you come, bringing death of a heretic nature?
Scotty: 'Whence'?
Kirk: We're from the future. We'll kill you all if you don't tell us where he is.
King: He shall be executed, as all witches should be! Guards! Sieze them!
(Spock nerve-pinches the king.)
Kirk: Spock! That was illogical!
Spock: Negative, Captain. The guards will not immediately sieze us, as they will look first to their king.
(The landing party runs.)
Kirk: Mr. Kyle! Beam us -- mrph!
Uhura: (clapping his mouth shut) I won't leave Pavel!
(Dungeon)
(Chekov crouches near the door, listening to the guards.)
Guard 1: He's to be executed immediately, as soon as the high executioner gives the command.
Chekov: I'm going to die! (suddenly realizes he still has his phaser) I'm still going to die! (slumps morosely against the wall)
(Just outside the jousting field)
Kirk: Whew! That was close! Spock, if you would be so kind, shut Uhura up.
Spock: For what purpose?
Kirk: She won't let MR. KYLE BEAM US UP! (they beam up)
Uhura: How could you abandon Chekov like that? (advances menacingly)
Kirk: Wait! We can conduct a heroic rescue if we get there in time!
Sulu: One question . . .
Kirk: Yes?
Sulu: Where's 'there'?
(uncomfortable silence)
Kirk: Oh, yeah.
Uhura: (slapping the comm button) ALL WOMEN: PAVEL'S IN TROUBLE! TO THE TRANSPORTER!
(Rand, Chapel, some nameless yeomen, and even Flynn show up. Each carries at least three phasers and a knife.)
Sulu: Mandala!
Kirk: Janice!
McCoy & Spock: Chapel!
Women: AS OF NOW, WE HAVE CONTROL OF THE SHIP! WE ARE NOW EXECUTING A DARING RESCUE!
(Dungeon)
(A man in a scary uniform comes in and ties Chekov's arms behind his back.)
Chekov: This is not exactly vhat I had enwisioned for my death . . .
Guard: (kicking him) Quiet, you! None of your heresies!
(Chekov starts praying quietly in Russian, which only reinforces their perception of him as a witch.)
Guard: (whacking him savagely) None of that!
Chekov: (under breath) Cossacks!
(They drag him out in front of a jeering crowd and hold him on a block as a scary dude with an axe comes up beside him.)
(On the ENTERPRISE)
Kirk: You can't take my ship!
Rand: Just try to stop us!
(The woman all beam down. They are back in the jousting field.)
Chapel: Let's try there! (points to a crowd about a small stage two hundred yards away)
Flynn: Who's that on the stage?
All Women: PAVEL!
(They dash forward, stunning or vaporizing people in their way. Chekov can't see what's going on, because he's rather busy at the moment. The axeman raises his axe and brings it down in a whistling arc. Chekov closes his eyes and braces himself.)
Women: PAVEL!
(The axeman is toast. Chekov finds himself being carried by three dozen females, leaving the stage at high speed.)
Chekov: Huh?
All Women: BEAM US UP!
(They beam up.)
Chekov: (confused) Vould someone untie my hands?
Women: PAVEL! YOU'RE SAFE! (mad kissing)
Chekov: Huh? Mmph!
Kirk: Let us out! (beats on closet door)
Rand: Stew a while! (to Chekov) Come on, Pavel, we'll go to my quarters and get you cleaned up.
All Other Women: OH, NO, YOU DON'T!
(Two minutes and 32 female redshirts later . . .)
Rand, Flynn, Chapel & Uhura: HE'S MINE!
Chekov: (piteously) Help? Please? My hands are still tied.
(The four remaining women erupt into an enormous catfight. Chekov, not knowing what else to do, dives into the middle, hands still tied.)
Women: Look out!
(Chekov is hit from four different directions. He goes limp.)
Women: PAVEL! (shrieks of anguish)
(Chekov does not move. The ladies all shriek, until . . .)
Chapel: Stand back! I'm a nurse!
Kirk: What's going on out there?
McCoy: Hey! Let me out!
(Chapel bends over Chekov as the others reluctantly yield.)
Chapel: I'll have to do mouth-to-mouth!
(shrieks of indignation)
All Four Women: Let me do it!
McCoy: LET ME OUT, CHRIS, OR I'LL DISSECT THAT PET OF YOURS WHERE YOU CAN SEE!
(Chapel hurriedly lets him out. He runs to Chekov.)
McCoy: She's right! I’ll have to do mouth-to-mouth!
(The women scream, and McCoy finds himself sat on while Chapel administers mouth-to-mouth. Chekov's eyelids flutter.)
Chekov: Huh?
Women: Pavel! (kissing)
Chekov: Mmph!
McCoy: You're going to pay for this, Christine!
Kirk: LET US OUT!
Scotty: We might have engine trouble!
(ship shakes)
Uhura: Oh, yeah . . . we have to stop terrorists from blowing Earth up.
(The ladies let Kirk, Spock, Scotty and Sulu out of the closet. They rush up to the bridge.)
Kirk: Spock, start computing time-travel equations to take us back home!
Spock: (distracted) Yes, Captain.
Kirk: Spock! Let me see what you're doing!
(Spock shuts off the blue viewing thingy.)
Spock: (hastily) Computing equations, Captain!
Kirk: I still want to know where you got that stuff.
Chekov: Time-traveling now, Keptin.
Kirk: Hey! We're back in the present! And Earth's still here!
Uhura: Message from Starfleet Command, Captain.
Kirk: Onscreen, Lieutenant.
(The screen flickers to life, but instead of an admiral, there are extremely dirty pictures.)
Spock: Oh, shit! (messes with computer) (an admiral appears)
Admiral: WHAT were those? Oh, never mind. You disappeared, so we sent the EXCELSIOR back to fix it.
Kirk: Oh.
(The admiral looks around the bridge. Spock and Kirk are still salivating. Uhura is flushing delicately. Chekov is collapsed over his console and Sulu looks panicked.)
Admiral: (rather hastily) Well, bye!
(The communication cuts.)
Kirk: Well, that's over with! Spock! I want those pictures!
Spock: But Captain . . .
Kirk: WHERE DID YOU GET THEM?!
Spock: OnVulcanveryclassifiedfilesIhavetousethespacejohngoodbye! (flees)
Kirk: Damn. He keeps doing that. What did he say?
Chekov: I believe he said they vere from classified files on Wulcan.
Kirk: Very good! Come to my quarters later for your reward!
(Everyone looks at Kirk in horror. Chekov shrinks down in his seat and pretends he doesn't exist.)
Kirk: I, uh, meant Romulan ale!
(More horrified looks.)
Kirk: I meant, um, I just wanted to share!
(Even more horrified looks. Chekov whimpers and collapses on his console.)
Sulu: There's only one thing to do . . .
Everyone: CONFISCATE HIS TOUPEÉ!
Kirk: NO!
(Brief scuffle. Scotty holds the toupeé aloft.)
Scotty: We shall burn this.
Kirk: NO! HELP! SECURITY!
All is normal once more.