Let's Play Sardines!
(On the bridge. All appears normal.)
Uhura: Captain, don't you want me to notify Starbase 9 of our approach?
Kirk: (waking up from his snooze) What? Oh, yes, you do that.
Uhura: (puzzled) I can't, sir. Something is jamming all our frequencies.
Kirk: You woke me up to tell me THAT?
Chekov: Alien wessel approaching, Keptin. Origin unknown. Its shields are up.
Kirk: Raise ours. Charge up phasers, just in case.
Chekov: Keptin! Shields and phasers not responding!
Kirk: (punching intercom button) Scotty! Warp power! Sulu! Evasive maneuvers!
Scotty: (over com) No good, Captain! Something's . . . me . . . me poor wee engines!
(Ship lurches. Chekov flies into Spock.)
McCoy: (rushing to examine Chekov) He's actually not dead, Jim!
Kirk: Those bastards! I'll -- say what?
Spock: Fascinating.
Kirk: He's not dead? We must have a new script writer! Break out the champagne!
(Everyone dances happily. As they do so, the alien ship gets a tractor beam on them and drags them off at Warp 10.)
Uhura: Pavel! It's wonderful! (kisses him)
Chekov: Mmph!
Kirk: Wait! We're moving faster!
Everyone: AAIIGHH! CERTAIN DEATH!
(They resume their happy dancing.)
Kirk: (tangoing with Spock) Where are we going?
Spock: Unknown, Captain.
Chekov: (dancing closely with Uhura) I hope it takes a loooong time to get there . . .
Sulu: Where's Mandala?
(Chapel comes onto the bridge.)
Chapel: What’s going on?
Everyone: WE HAVE A NEW WRITER!
(Chapel shrieks with delight and begins dancing The Chicken with Sulu.)
Uhura: (noticing her bleeping console) Sorry, Pavel. Captain, we're being contacted!
Kirk: (foxtrotting with Spock merrily) Onscreen!
(Blackness on the screen.)
Kirk: Uhura, onscreen!
Uhura: It is, sir!
Disembodied Voice: OBEY. STOP THIS FOOLISH MERRIMENT AND HEED MY WORDS!
Everybody: Ack!
(Everyone stops dancing and pouts.)
Disembodied Voice: YOU WILL BE BEAMED TO OUR BASE IMMEDIATELY FOR TESTING. 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . .
(Sparkly transporter effects that resemble champagne bubbles.)
Everybody: ACK!!
(There is no light or room. The party is jammed together tightly.)
Kirk: We're packed in tightly! Where are we?
McCoy: What's that smell?
Kirk: (sniffs and looks horrified) It isn't! It couldn't be! (looks at McCoy)
Kirk & McCoy: WE'RE IN A GIANT SARDINE CAN!
Chekov: Ve're going to die!
Uhura: I don't mind being packed in tightly with YOU, Pavel . . .
Chekov: Mmph!
Kirk: Phasers! Blast through this can's lid!
Everybody: Aye, sir!
(Everyone fires phasers. Chekov's does not go off.)
Spock: We need the power of one more phaser, Captain.
Kirk: Mr. Chekov! Fire with the rest of us!
Chekov: But ser, my phaser isn't vorking! I can't do anything about it!
(Kirk begins to punch Chekov. He does so until the ensign's phaser goes off, splitting the can lid.)
Kirk: Very good, Ensign!
(He looks at Chekov. The Russian is sprawled face-down on the floor.)
Spock: The phaser appear to have been jammed, Captain. It must have gone off after being dropped.
Kirk: Oops.
Uhura: Pavel! (rushes forward)
(McCoy runs up as Kirk picks Chekov up, cradling him in his arms.)
McCoy: He's dead, Jim!
Kirk: You mean we DON'T have a new writer?
(Cries of anguished disappointment.)
(Funerial mood descends over all. Redshirts walk around mumbling, "No new writer . . . no new writer . . . I'm going to die . . .")
Kirk: Bones, will the Rubik's Cube thingie help?
McCoy: How should I know? I'm a doctor, not a -- oh.
Spock: I have been analyzing the situation, and I believe we are being tested, possibly to determine if we are a threat. Therefore, I suggest we all act as innocent as possible.
McCoy: Right! The Rubik's Cube ceremony, coming up!
Spock: Doctor?
McCoy: If we act stupid, that's almost as good as acting innocent. (begins waving Rubik's Cube over Chekov) aWEE-nee-wrap, aWEE-nee-wrap-a . . .
Uhura: Oh, Gods, pain . . . (falls down)
Sulu: Right! (begins fencing imaginary partner and singing opera)
McCoy: (now dancing feverishly) a-WIM-bo-weh, a-WIM-bo-weh . . .
Kirk: In the Jungle, the Mighty Jungle . . .
(Several redshirts drop dead.)
Scotty: aWEEE . . .
(A redshirt spontaneously combusts.)
Uhura: (rolls over) I spit at thee! Death! Death! The green is gone! AAAA! The dust bunnies! OH GODS!! THE CHAIRS! (starts kicking)
Kirk: Oh, Mandy . . .
McCoy: It's a Small World, After All . . .
(Three redshirts explode. Spock looks constipated.)
Kirk: Spock! Be illogical! That's an order!
(Spock grabs Chapel and frenches her. She sticks him with a hypo and they start dancing around laughing.)
McCoy: It's a Beautiful Day in This Neighborhood . . . (waves Rubik's Cube over Chekov, who does not respond)
(Uhura begins taking off her tunic, stops, screams, and starts singing.)
Uhura: I'm Too Sexy For My Shirt . . .
Spock: Captain, this appears to be getting us nowhere.
McCoy: (hopping) Bunny! Bunny! Bunny!
Scotty: We'll have to try harder! (grabs redshirt) Come here, lad . . . (redshirt dies)
Spock: Captain, I believe the aliens will think us even more dangerous if we continue to kill each other.
McCoy: I Love You, You Love Me, We're a Happy Family . . .
(Six redshirts scream in agony as their head blow up.)
Kirk: Hmmm. You may be right, Spock.
Scotty: No more bad songs!
(Groans of disappointment.)
Kirk: I know! One of us will have to get married to show them good human behavior. (looks expectantly at crew) (four redshirts grab their throats and die)
Kirk: McCoy! Fix Chekov! He's going to marry Uhura!
Uhura: Yes, sir! Oh, thank you, sir!
(McCoy dances around Chekov.)
McCoy: BOOG-a-woo-fa, BOOG-a-woo-fa . . .
(Nothing happens.)
McCoy: GET UP, YOU IDIOT RUSSIAN, OR I'LL GIVE YOU A PHYSICAL!
Chekov: (jumping up) NO! NO! NOT THE SAMPLES!
Kirk: You and Uhura are getting married. Here. Now. This instant.
Chekov: Married?!
Kirk: Matter of duty. I'm sure you'll be very happy together.
Chekov: But . . .
Kirk: By the powers vested in me as a Starship Captain, I declare you man and wife. Do you?
Uhura: Yes!
(Uhura stomps on Chekov's foot.)
Chekov: YAAAA!
Kirk: You may kiss the bride.
Chekov: Mmph!
(Chapel and Rand tackle Uhura.)
Kirk: No! No! We have to act non-threatening! The marriage won't count after today!
(Uhura moans and clutches Chekov, then brightens.)
Uhura: But it counts for today?
Kirk: Yes, of course!
(Uhura drags Chekov purposely off towards a cave, shedding clothing as she goes. Chekov doesn't seem to be protesting a strenuously as before.)
Kirk: Well, that went well.
Spock: Captain, it appears to have been ineffective.
Kirk: Well, dammit, Spock, think of something!
McCoy: Are we ever going to leave this sardine can?
Kirk: Oh, yeah. (jumps for top of wall, and misses) Don't just stand there! Stand over HERE!
(Kirk stands on McCoy's shoulders and jumps over the rim out of sight. Suddenly, they are back on the ship.)
(A redshirt heads for the turbolift doors and runs back yelling before he falls to the ground dead.)
McCoy: He's dead, Jim!
Kirk: Duh.
Spock: Fascinating, Captain. It appears that Lieutenant Uhura and Ensign Chekov rematerialized in the turbolift. I suggest someone throw them some sheets so they can get to their quarters.
Kirk: But nobody can get off the bridge!
Spock: Logically, someone must be blindfolded.
Kirk: Make it so!
(Everyone stares at him in horror.)
Sulu: Stone him!
Kirk: I feel so funny . . . I'm sorry . . . It'll never happen again . . .
Spock: I think a swirlie is in order, at least.
Kirk: No! Not my toupee!
(The crew drags the protesting captain towards the spacejohn, joined by Chekov and Uhura, who look like they’re having a toga party. Life has returned to normal.)
Space. . .
The final frontier. . .
These are the voyages of the Starship ENTERPRISE. . .
Its everlasting mission. . .
To explore strange, new babes. . .
To seek out stronger booze and scantier-clad chicks. . .
To boldly go where no sane person has wanted to go before!