It’s Time to Face the Music
(The bridge. All appears normal.)
McCoy: He's dead, Jim!
Kirk: We haven't gotten to that part yet, Bones! This is the beginning!
McCoy: Oh. Sorry.
(Uhura's machinery emits a high-pitched whine. She looks confused and starts pushing buttons frantically.)
Uhura: Captain!
('Honey' starts playing over the com.)
Kirk: Uhura! What's happening?
Uhura: Some outside source is piping this onto our systems! I can't block it out! We must be under attack!
Kirk: The Klingons must have developed some new weapon!
Chekov: Ve're all going to die!
Kirk: Ensign! We have to be positive!
Chekov: It's all right for YOU.
Uhura: Klingons hailing us, sir!
(Music changes to 'Achy Breaky Heart'.)
Kirk: Onscreen, Lieutenant.
(The viewscreen crackles and Khan's face appears.)
Everybody: KHAN!
Chekov: Cossack!
Khan: You are all under my power. I will pipe horrible music into your ship's systems until you are driven insane, and only then will I kill you! Revenge! BAHAHAHA! (looks at Chekov) But for you, Mr. Chekov, I have something special.
Chekov: Vhat? Vhy for me?
Khan: Because you got away.
Chekov: Vhat vas I supposed to do? I'd newer met you before, and you tortured and killed my crew and put eels in my ear!
Khan: Lies! You Monkees have always been trying to steal our ratings! Death to all Monkees! HAHAHAHA!
Chekov: I'm not a Monkee!
Kirk: Quiet, Ensign! You're just aggravating the situation!
Chekov: (muttering) I knew I should newer have let them talk me into vearing that vig . . .
(The music switches to 'MacArthur Park'. Uhura wails and collapses.)
Everybody: UHURA!
(Everyone rushes over to Uhura and fusses over her.)
Uhura: Pain . . . pain . . .
McCoy: (over com) Jim! Half your crew just either collapsed or died!
Kirk: This means war. They're bringing out the big guns. (faces screen) We'll get out of this, Khan!
Khan: I would love to see how, Captain. (screen crackles off)
(Music changes to 'Let's Get Physical'. Chekov moans. Sulu turns pale.)
Scotty: (over com) Captain! The engines cannae take any more o' this music! Another few minutes and they'll spontaneously combust! Oh, me poor wee bairns . . .
Kirk: Uhura! Cut it off!
Sulu: She's unconscious, sir.
Kirk: Well, dammit, somebody get over there! Chekov! Move it!
Chekov: Aye, ser. (fiddles with controls) No good, ser. Music rising in wolume.
Kirk: Get back to your console, Ensign! Who told you to mess with Uhura's controls?
Chekov: You did, ser!
Kirk: Lies! Get back to your console before I throw you in the brig!
(Chekov scurries back to his console.)
Spock: Captain, it would appear that the madness has already begun to take hold. You did, in fact, order Ensign Chekov to man Uhura's post.
Kirk: (ignoring Spock) We've got to do something!
(Music changes to 'The Boot-Scoot Boogie'. Chekov moans and collapses on his panel. Two photon torpedoes flash out from the ENTERPRISE and destroy Khan's ship.)
Sulu: Good shooting, Pavel!
(Uhura revives and begins doing a crazed line dance, grinning insanely.)
Kirk: Maintain your post, Lieutenant!
(Uhura begins to sing along and decks Kirk with a high leg-kick.)
McCoy: (coming onto the bridge) Why isn't the music stopping? Chekov destroyed Khan's ship!
Spock: It would appear that it is being controlled by a small cloaked space buoy.
(Music changes to 'Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini'. Helm and Navigations explode, throwing Sulu and the already unconscious Chekov to the deck.)
Spock: (observing Uhura) Fascinating. It appears to be life, Jim, but not as we know it!
McCoy: (rushing to Sulu) He's dead, Jim!
Kirk: Damn. What about Chekov?
McCoy: He's dead too, Jim!
(Kirk cannot respond because Uhura knocks him down again and starts swinging McCoy around the bridge. Music switches to 'I've Got Love In My Tummy'. Scotty bursts onto the bridge.)
Scotty: Captain . . . me engines . . . (collapses blubbering to the deck)
Kirk: (getting up) Sensor sweep, Spock! Find me that buoy!
Spock: Sensors negative, Captain. No sign of it.
Kirk: Could it be that it's not coming from a buoy?
Spock: Although highly unlikely, it is possible that it is being transmitted from somewhere on board the ENTERPRISE.
Kirk: Mr. Spock . . . find me . . . that transmitter. NOW!
Spock: Aye, sir. Scanning. (looks puzzled and intrigued) Fascinating, Captain. It appears to be coming from your quarters.
Kirk: Everybody, let's get down there!
(Everyone scurries to follow Kirk. McCoy drags Sulu and Chekov along. Uhura follows, dancing insanely. Music changes to 'Muskrat Love'.)
Scotty: (punching intercom button) Scott to Engineering, report!
(Insane laughter over com. Somebody blows a raspberry.)
Spock: Captain, tricorder readings show that we are losing life support.
Kirk: Damn. Scotty, get down to Engineering and fix it. Now!
(They reach Kirk's quarters. They are locked from inside.)
Kirk: (beating on door) Let me in, you coward! You fiend! My ship! Open up! The pain . . .
(The door slides open. Everyone walks in. There is total darkness. Suddenly, Rand appears with a phaser aimed at Kirk.)
Kirk: Jan! But why?
Rand: Because I hate you, you egotistical bastard!
Kirk: But . . . but . . . but . . .
(Rand notices Chekov.)
Rand: Omigod! What happened to Pavel?
McCoy: His panel blew up. He's dead, Jan.
Rand: (screaming in anguish and collapsing on Chekov's body) Pavel! Wake up! No! No! (begins weeping)
Kirk: I didn't know about this. If he weren't dead, I'd kill him myself!
(Rand jumps up and brains Kirk with the butt of her phaser. Kirk drops. Uhura laughs and begins to clap as she dances. Music changes to 'Wives And Lovers'. Scotty runs into the room.)
Scotty: Aaaoooga! (begins babbling and waving duct tape)
Spock: Fascinating.
(Kirk revives.)
Kirk: Bones! DO something!
McCoy: Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a world peace representative!
Rand: (numbly) I killed Pavel . . . I killed Pavel . . . I killed—
McCoy: We know that! Do something before you kill us, too!
Rand: I'll . . . shut off the music.
(Rand heads for an end table by Kirk's bunk. Pushes buttons on the leg of the table. Music changes key.)
Spock: I'm losing . . . losing . . . (grins insanely) I'm Po! Where's Laa-Laa?
(Chapel enters the room. Spock looks at her.)
Spock: Laa-Laa!
(Christine flees in terror. Spock and Uhura follow.)
Rand: I can't turn it off! it's being controlled somewhere else! I think it's Engineering!
Kirk: Follow me! (leaves. Nobody follows)
(Rand looks at Chekov and begins to weep again.)
Rand: (cradling Chekov's head) McCoy! Do something! Fix him! My poor Pavel . . .
McCoy: I can't! He's dead!
Rand: Do something or die! Nobody on this ship can bring YOU back to life!
McCoy: Right! 23rd Century medical techniques, coming up! (waves Rubik's Cube over Chekov's head) WOO-un-ga-wa, WOO-un-ga-wa. . .
Rand: What's happening? Is it working?
McCoy: I call upon the gods of sheep intestines! POW-bee-goo-wa, POW-bee-goo-wa . . .
Rand: Nothing's happening! Try harder!
(McCoy begins stomping in a circle around Chekov.)
McCoy: DOO-doo-funk-a, DOO-doo-funk-a . . .
(Rand points phaser at McCoy.)
Rand: I have had it with this!
McCoy: WAKE UP, YOU IDIOT RUSSIAN!
Chekov: Huh?
Rand: Pavel!
(Suddenly the insidious music stops. Mandala Flynn enters the room and screams when she spies Sulu.)
Flynn: Hikaru! (rushes over to cry over Sulu) McCoy! Do something or die!
(McCoy experiences déjâ vu.)
McCoy: (waving Rubik’s Cube) WOO-un-ga-wa. . .
(Completes ritual. Nothing happens.)
Flynn: You will die!
McCoy: WAKE UP, YOU MORONIC PILOT!
(Nothing happens. Suddenly the ceiling opens up and spills tribbles all over Sulu. He jumps up screaming.)
Flynn: Hikaru!
Sulu: Mandala!
(Happy kissing. McCoy flees after Kirk to Engine Room. The room is in shambles. Miscellaneous redshirts litter the floor. Mr. Kyle stands against the wall, held at phaser-point by Scotty.)
Everybody: MR. KYLE!
Scotty: I caught ‘im operatin’ the music, sair. I lured him out o’ the room with a bottle o’ Scotch and had me subordinates turn it off.
Kirk: Good man, Scotty! Fresh duct tape for you this month!
Scotty: Thank you, sair!
Kirk: Hey! Weren’t they dead? (indicates Sulu and Chekov)
Rand & Flynn: McCoy saved him!
(Happy kissing)
Chekov: Mmph!
(Sulu mumbles appreciatively.)
Kirk: Scotty, beam this man into an alternate universe! Everybody else, back to your stations!
Chekov: Vhat about Spock and Uhura?
McCoy: Follow me!
Kirk: Hey! That’s MY line!
McCoy: Oops. Sorry.
(Group heads into the hall. Spock and Uhura are holding Chapel’s arms and singing ‘Ring Around the Rosy’. Chapel is too horrified to move.)
Spock: Laa-Laa! Where’s Dipsy? Do you want to play?
Chapel: Doctor! HELP!
(McCoy holds aloft the Rubik’s Cube.)
McCoy: Everybody join in to save Chris!
Everyone: OON-ga-wun-ga, OON-ga-wun-ga . . .
(Spock and Uhura scream and collapse. Chapel rushes forward and gratefully smooches the first person she sees.)
Chekov: Mmph!
(Rand shoves Chapel away. They begin circling each other with deadly expressions. McCoy continues dancing around.)
McCoy: BOO-lu-wak-ka, BOO-lu-wak-ka. . .
(Spock and Uhura revive. Uhura looks puzzled. Spock surveys the situation and nerve-pinches Chapel.)
Kirk: Spock! Was that logical?
Spock: Quite, Captain. Fighting will only aggravate the situation.
Kirk: I see. Everybody back to their posts!
(People scurry to obey. On the bridge, everything appears normal once more.)
Chekov: Course heading, Keptin?
Kirk: Some annoying planet where I can kill redshirts. I’m going to go have a meeting with Yeoman Rand. If anyone bothers me, you will personally be blamed.
Yup. All normal.
Space . . .
The final frontier . . .
These are the bumblings of the Starship ENTERPRISE . . .
Its five-year mission . . .
To get lost on strange, new worlds . . .
Too seek out new girls and 60’s-type civilizations . . .
To boldly get lost where everyone has been before!