The Taming of the Crew


(On the bridge, all appears normal.)

Tai: I, Taichi Kamiya of the Starship Enterprise, am the captain! You are only a lowly redshirt!

Davis: But—! But—!

Tai: No buts. Go clean the spacejohn.

Davis: Doesn’t anyone want to defend me?

Everyone: . . . . .

Joe: That would be mutiny.

(The disgruntled Davis is dragged off by the also red-shirted T.K.)

Tai: Lieutenant Kari, any further messages from Starfleet Command?

Kari: Negative, Captain, just static and bursts of our stupid American theme song.

Izzy: Fascinating.

(Tai presses the intercom button.)

Tai: How’re things down there in Engineering, Cody?

Cody: (over com) All smooth sailing, sir.

Tai: Well, darnit, there must be SOMETHING to do! Mr. Ishida, anything to report?

Matt: (boredly) No, sir. All is normal.

Tai: What about you, Bones?

Joe: Dammit, Tai, I’m a doctor, not the script writer!

Tai: Hey, no swearing! We have to be rated G in America!

Joe: Oh. Sorry.

Tai: Go back to sickbay and fiddle around with the nurse or something.

Joe: What?! (turns red)

Matt: Not that way, you dork.

Ken: Sir! We are approaching an uncharted planet!

Tai: Excellent, Mr. Ichijouji! Now we can have some fun!

Izzy: The purpose of this mission is not arbitrary personal amusement, Captain.

Tai: So?

Matt: Approaching planet at warp 3, sir.

Tai: Slow and orbit! Let’s everybody get down to the transporter room! Yeoman Sora!

Sora: Yes?

Tai: You’re on landing party duty! Go get Cody, Dr. Kido, and that nurse chick! WE’RE BEAMING DOWN. (fiendish grin)

Izzy: Captain, I must caution . . .

Tai: Nobody asked you!

Davis: (coming back) I wanna come, too!

Everyone: . . . . . -_-;;;

T.K. : (nervously) I, on the other hand, have duties to attend to—

Tai: Everybody goes!

T.K. : But Captain, you KNOW that redshirts—

Tai: Move it!

(Sora gets Cody, Joe, and Nurse Tachikawa down to the transporter room, where everyone is ready to go and Tai is blue with impatience.)

Tai: Energize! (he hums dramatic music)

(They beam down to a planet of lush life. Everything is blooming. Nearby, a bunch of small grayish creatures appear to be engaged in human sacrifice. Davis offers weird snapping flowers to an indifferent Kari. Tai looks dramatic. Mimi puts flowers in her hair. Matt looks bored and Joe hides.)

Tai: Tricorders out, everyone! Ishida, take readings!

Matt: Aye, sir.

Davis: Ow! Hey, it bit me! (he does a fun little dance as his flowers try to eat him)

Kari: EEK! (leaps clear)

Matt: Welcome, young Davis. This is your life.

Davis: YAAA!

Izzy: (inspecting gray creatures) Fascinating.

Tai: Izzy, anything to report?

(Human sacrifice wails. The gray things look at Matt.)

Izzy: I sense . . . danger . . .

Mimi: Izzy, save me!

(Tai bends over to aim his tricorder at an interesting bug. Sora directs a kick at his rear.)

Tai: Ow! Hey! (he shoots a redshirt in anger)

Davis: Yaaaa! (looks frazzled)

Kari: Eeeeek! (waves her arms wildly)

Tai: What is it, Lieutenant?

Kari: Eeeeek! (points to where gray creatures are abducting Matt)

Matt: Hel-LO?

Izzy: From what I’ve been able to discern, these creatures intend to sacrifice Ensign Ishida in order to summon a manifestation of a deity.

Tai: Huh?

T.K. : He means they’re gonna cook Matt to call their god.

Izzy: I believe I said that.

Matt: (being tied to an altar) Now that we’ve established the basics, would you bloody morons DO something?

Mimi: (clutches Izzy)

Tai: Right! Phasers on ki—

(The writer arbitrarily deprives them of their phasers.)

Tai: But that’s not FAIR!

T.K. : For God’s sake, could we do something about that? (points to where creatures are now piling wood and splashing gasoline)

Tai: I want my gun back! (a large grenade falls on him, but mysteriously bounces off and hits Davis)

Davis: @.@

(As the crew finally rushes towards the altar, Izzy towing Mimi, the biggest gray creature raises a scary bone knife above Matt, who glares poisonously and yells at Tai.)

Sudden Voice From Nowhere: STOP!

(All the gray creatures instantly freeze, bowing towards the altar. The leader drops his knife, which bounces off the armor T.K. has wisely donned and hits Davis. A fiery figure appears behind the altar.)

Matt: It can’t be!

Figure: OH YAMA-KUUUUUN . . .!

Gray Creatures: Our god!

T.K. : Holy Hikari!

Gray Creatures: JUN-SAMA!

Matt: NOOOOOOO!!!!

(Matt thrashes wildly as the figure resolves into Jun’s. She squeezes him enthusiastically until his face turns blue.)

T.K. : We’ve got to save him!

Tai: No way, I can’t do anything without my gun!

Izzy: Fascinating. Ensign Ishida’s bodily functions appear to have ceased.

Mimi: Save me, Izzy!

Joe: (popping out of bush) He’s dead, Tai! (he returns to hiding)

Jun: AND NOW, YAMA-KUN WILL BE MINE FOREVER!

Kari: Hey, how can he look so horrified if he’s dead?

Sora: Trust me, with Jun I’m sure he can manage.

(Jun, at the height of her ritual, bends toward Matt to kiss him. Despite being dead, Matt still manages to make a sound something like “gleep.”)

Gray Creatures: Ommmmmm . . .

T.K. : No! Not my onii-chan!

Cody: I can’t watch!

(Lightning strikes Jun, who falls down. But she gets back up and goes for it again!)

Tai: Gross!

Mimi: Eek! Izzy, save me!

(In an unprecedented act of heroism, Ken grabs Davis and chucks him at Jun, KO-ing both of them.)

(There is a moment of silence.)

Tai: Well done, Mr. Ichijouji!

(14 thousand angry gray creatures descend on them with bone weapons. Mysteriously, all of them hit Davis.)

Tai: Run away! Run away!

Izzy: Strategic withdrawal!

Mimi: Izzy, save me!

(They race off. Ken collects Matt’s corpse and Kari uses Davis as a shield. Once they have outdistanced the critters . . .)

Mimi: Oh, I was so SCARED, Izzy! (glomp)

Tai: Whew!

Kari: (dropping Davis) That was close.

Ken: (putting Matt on the ground) Maybe you better examine him, Doctor Kido.

(Joe peers nearsightedly at Matt.)

Joe: I hate to say it . . .

Cody: We hate for you to say it, too . . .

Tai: Don’t tell me Ensign Ishida . . .

Joe: . . . but he’s dead, Tai!

Tai: Well, can’t you fix him?

Joe: For THIS I went to medical school?

Mimi: Izzy, hold me!

Izzy: Glp!

(T.K. shakes his head nonchalantly.)

T.K. : Oh, waking him up is easy. Hey, Matt, look, it’s Jun in her underwear.

Matt: EEEYAH! (leaps up and hides in Tai’s hair)

Tai: Hey! Get out of there!

Sora: He’s cured!

(While Matt pries his fingers loose, Sora slaps Davis into wakefulness.)

Matt: (slightly shaken) So what do we do now?

Tai: Easy. I’ll just have Miss Miyako beam us up and—

(The writer randomly deprives them of their communicators.)

Tai: HEY!

Izzy: Although this dialogue fascinates me with its many human fallibilities, I must point out that we’re surrounded by slavering wolfman-like creatures.

Tai: Huh?

T.K. : (dons a helmet)

Mimi: Eek! Izzy, save me!

(Tai gets the Important Face.)

Tai: Let me handle this. (he steps forward) We come in peace. I am Taichi Kam—

Wolfmen: Give us all your females and perhaps we will let some of you escape, puny man-creatures!

Sora: Hey now! Hold on just a minute!

Davis: Who’re you calling puny, whisker-face?

(The lead wolfmen breathes a blast of energy aimed at Tai that, intriguingly, hits Davis instead.)

Davis: @.@

Lead Wolfman: Let that be a warning to you! Give them up now or die! (he leers at Mimi, who shrieks and throttles Izzy)

Joe: Umm . . . Nurse Tachikawa, do you think you could stop that?

(She leaves Izzy and latches onto a tree-trunk, wailing.)

Tai: I know! Izzy, come here!

Izzy: Urgle . . . (he weaves over, trying not to fall down) Yes, Captain?

Tai: You can make us a communicator out of your tricorder, can’t you? You did it once before when—

(The writer spontaneously deprives them of their tricorders.)

Tai: What IS this?!

Wolfmen: Attack!

Sora: AAAH!

(Joe hides.)

(The wolfmen charge, mowing Davis down, and make for Tai. Then, like pinballs, every attack glances off the not-currently-so-fearless leader, ricochets from T.K.’s armor, and splats the already massacred Davis in the dust. Sora stays off to the side, throwing rocks. Izzy KO-s enemies with his laptop. Matt fights like a demon, seeing Jun’s face on every opponent, and Mimi climbs her tree, wailing like a siren. Joe occasionally pops out, points to a wolfman, informs everybody that it is no longer living, and disappears again.)

Kari: Hey, look! (points to random rocks) Oooh . . . shiny . . .

(Mimi drops ticklike out of the tree and onto Izzy’s head, thus effectively removing him from the battle.)

Mimi: My SKIRT! Izzy, save me!

Izzy: Hlf!

(Kari trips over a “shiny rock,” knocking a strange yellow powder into an odd black liquid, the rock striking sparks as it goes.)

(WHOOMP)

(Davis and all but ten of the wolfmen are catapulted into space by the explosion.)

Tai: Excellently done, Lieutenant!

Davis: @.@

Izzy: HELP!

T.K. : Hey, look at this! (inspects shiny rocks) (wolfmen bash Davis) It looks like dilithium!

Tai: Excellent! That’s our ticket out of here!

Ken: (who has been in hiding with Cody and Joe) How?

Tai: Umm . . . because the writer has to leave us SOME way to get out of this!

Cody: But can you be sure?

(Evil, maniacal female laughter sounds from the heavens. The wolfmen shriek in terror and all fall down on top of Davis.)

Davis: X.X

Joe: (coming out) Huh? (Inspects Davis) He’s dead, Tai!

Matt: (checks watch) And the writers made us wait three hours and forty-four minutes!

(But suddenly, there is an unexpected wrinkle in the fabric of the universe!)

Davis: Wagooona?

Sora: He’s alive!

Mimi: Eeek! Izzy, save me!

Izzy: (passes out)

(Joe inspects Izzy.)

Joe: He’s dead, Tai!

Mimi: EEEEEE! Dr. Kido, save me!

(Joe faints as Izzy regains consciousness, conveniently landing on Davis. Davis crawls free, tears a strip off his shirt, fashions it into a ring, and duct-tapes one of the shiny rocks to it. He goes down on one knee before Kari.)

Davis: Kari . . .

Kari: EEEEYAAAAH! (runs over Davis and hides behind the bewildered T.K.)

Davis: @.@

Izzy: Hmm . . . if my calculations are correct, I can probably fashion a crude communicator from this dilithium, my laptop and Mimi’s underwire. (collects materials, fiddles around for about ten seconds, and holds up the finished communicator)

Mimi: EEK! Izzy!

(A sweatdrop forms on Izzy’s head as he turns to the people he was talking to. T.K. is against the rock with Kari behind him, inches from Davis, who is clawing at him and foaming at the mouth while Matt holds onto the back of his shirt and Tai screams about demotions and spacejohns. Cody, Ken and Sora appear to be taking a nap and Joe is declaring that a nearby ant is dead. He sighs and beams up, along with Mimi, who throws herself into the beam.)

Mimi: Izzy, save—

(Joe points wildly at the disappearing crewman, then faints. No one notices.)

(crackle of transporters)

(The rest of the crew materializes in the transporter room. Without the rock for support, T.K. falls backwards onto Kari. Davis hits the transporter room wall with a loud smack. Tai is arrested in midsentence.)

Tai: I SAID SPACEJOHNS!

(Hearing his voice echo in the quiet room, he turns to see Izzy, Mimi and Yolei, the transporter operator, staring.)

Tai: Uh . . . ahem. Good job, Miss Miyako.

Yolei: Anytime, Captain. (blink)

Davis: @.@

T.K. : Ack, are you okay, Kari?

Kari: Owww . . .

Joe: (awakening) She’s dead, Tai! (Kari just looks at him)

Cody: Riiiight . . .

Ken: (waking up) Uh?

Tai: Everyone to your posts! I won’t have dilly-dallying!

Everyone: Yes, sir!

(Mimi departs for sickbay after giving Izzy a big fat kiss. She then caries the again-fainted Joe away. Cody goes off to the engine room, towing the reluctant T.K. Tai, Kari, Ken, and the slightly woozy Izzy head for the bridge.)

Matt: Uh, Captain?

Tai: (pausing) Yes, Ensign?

Matt: What do I do with this? (holds up the trashed Davis)

Davis: @.@

Tai: I don’t care, he’s just a dumb redshirt. Find somewhere to put him.

Matt: Aye, Captain. (wolfish grin)

(As night closes on board the Enterprise, the only sounds are the flush of a spacejohn and the frenzied screaming of a redshirt, and Matt whistling as he returns to his post.)