Tribbles in the Foliage
(Eerie music. Crescendo. A dark cloud descends over the lanscape. Disembodied laughter.)
Disembodied Voice: He will pay . . . oh, yes, he will pay . . .
(The bridge. All appears normal.)
Kirk: Uhura!
Uhura: Yes, sir?
Kirk: Get that thing off the hook before --
Uhura: Message from Starfleet headquarters, Captain!
Chekov: Here ve go again.
Scotty: I bet we're the only ones in the quadrant again.
Kirk: Pretend we're having technical difficulties!
Uhura: They're already onscreen, sir.
(Kirk turns red and faces the frowning admiral on the viewscreen.)
Kirk: Admiral Cartwright! Uh . . . heh heh . . . what a pleasant surprise! What can I do for you?
Cartwright: There is an unexplored planet in this quadrant which we suspect may have dilithium resources. We want you to explore it and gather samples. You are the --
Everyone: "-- the only ship in the quadrant." We know.
Cartwright: Get to it!
Kirk: Yes, sir. Uhura, cut transmission!
(As Uhura fiddles with the controls, Kirk looks petulantly at the ceiling.)
Kirk: (sarcastically) Yes, Mother!
Uhura: I'm having difficulty shutting it off, sir! He's still onscreen!
(Kirk turns red and turns back to the screen.)
Kirk: Heh heh . . . why, sir . . . you're still there . . .
Cartwright: Kirk! You --
(Uhura responds to Kirk's frantic waving and cuts the transmission.)
Kirk: Whew! On to planet -- (pause) What planet did he say it was?
(Everybody looks puzzled)
Chekov: He didn't, ser.
Kirk: Oh, crap. What's nearby?
Spock: That would be the World-of-Evil-Scumsuckers. Surely you don't --
Kirk: Let's go! Chekov, Sulu, Spock, Scotty, McCoy, come on!
McCoy: Right. Chapel, let's go!
Scotty: Come wi' me, lads. (picks 5 miscellaneous unlucky redshirts)
(They beam down onto the usual scenery)
Kirk: Spock, use your tricorder!
Spock: This unit does not appear to be operating in accordance with its usual rate of function, Captain.
Kirk: Say what?
Sulu: His tricorder doesn't work.
Spock: I believe I said that.
Kirk: Never mind! Scotty, Sulu, you go that way! Spock, you come with me. Chapel and McCoy, that way! Redshirts, fan out! Find that dilithium! (pause) Chekov, I suppose you have to go that way. (points in least safe-looking direction)
Chekov: (nervously) Aye, ser.
(Scotty and Sulu wander off in one direction. Sulu stops to examine the foliage as Scotty is grabbed by naked screaming wildwomen and carried off.)
Sulu: I thought this species was extinct!
(Kirk and Spock wander over.)
Kirk: Sulu! What happened to Scotty?
Sulu: Huh?
Spock: Mr. Scott is gone.
Sulu: He is? (takes out little sample jar and clippers)
Kirk: Which way did he go?
Sulu: I don't know, sir. I was examining the foliage.
(There is a scream from the east. Chekov zooms by, pursued by bloodthirsty green-haired women with spiked-tribble headdresses, screaming at the top of his lungs. Spock points his tricorder at them. Sulu takes more samples. Kirk's eyes pop out of his head.)
Spock: Fascinating. Captain, I --
(Kirk is no longer there, having taken off after the nude women.)
Spock: Captain . . .?
(McCoy and Chapel poke their tricorders into random bushes, taking life-signs. Chekov goes screaming by, followed by Spock. Chapel latches herself onto him as he goes by and is dragged off.)
Chapel: Spock, save meeeee!
McCoy: Darnit! Still no life signs! (he continues scanning until the women and sundry screaming people trample him.)
(Chekov, still screaming his little Russian lungs out, hurdles the river in an impossible feat of adrenaline, which the women copy easily, which is no problem for the lust-crazed captain. Spock gets wet, weighed down by Chapel. Massive screaming.)
(Meanwhile)
Uhura: Hey, I think I'm picking up some noise!
(The pack goes by. A woman chucks a spear at Chekov, which hits a redshirt that happened to be in the way. Uhura joins the chase.)
Uhura: Pavel!
(They all reach a clearing with a bonfire. Scotty is tied upsidedown above it. His hair is singed.)
Scotty: HELP!
Kirk: Woohoo! (pounces)
(The woman he's heading for plucks a spiked tribble off of her headdress and chucks it at Kirk. It engages in full-scale tribble war with Kirk's toupee.)
Kirk: AAAH! (runs in circles)
(Chekov hides under a bush. Scotty shrieks. Spock begins to systematically nerve-pinch women, starting with Chapel. Uhura pounces on Chekov's bush. Sulu wanders in, then promptly wanders out again.)
Scotty: Ouch! Me poor wee bairns!
Uhura: Oh, thank heavens you're safe, Pavel! (squish)
(Sulu watches from a safe distance. He takes Polaroids.)
Kirk: Aieee!
(Kirk, preoccupied with his head, doesn't see the women behind him. In a matter of seconds he joins Scotty. Both tribbles fall into the fire and die with anguished coos.)
Kirk: Eek!
Women: You have killed the Sacred Tribble! You must die!!!
All: Yack!
(Sulu decides to do something useful. However, since he has no idea what that would be, he throws his jar of samples at the women and goes into hiding. The women immediately stop.)
Women: Wonip! (begin eating the leaves and looking stoned)
(Kirk's rope can no longer stand the strain of holding him and drops him, where he promptly dances around, screaming and flaming.)
Chekov: Yeek! Somebody put out the keptin!
Uhura: (holds her nose and digs deeper into Chekov's bush)
(Sulu returns with river-water and drenches Kirk, who sits down, bald and charred. Mysteriously, his pants are intact, but his shirt is burned completely away.)
Chapel: (waking up) Eek! Spock, save me!
Spock: (looks nonplussed)
(The women all pass out.)
Kirk: (crankily) I've decided this planet has no dilithium. Mr. Kyle, beam us up!
(Everyone beams up, including the still-bound Scotty, who hits the floor hard, killing a redshirt who happens to be in the way.)
Chekov: Thank God.
Kirk: Back to post, everyone! I'm going to -- um, inspect the cargo bay!
Spock: But Captain --
Kirk: Don't argue!
(Everyone goes back to their posts. Kirk returns in a bit, still sans toupee looking even more cranky.)
Kirk: When I find out where those little buggers went . . .
Uhura: Message from Starfleet command, sir!
Kirk: Don't answer!
Uhura: Too late, sir.
Cartwright: KIRK!
Kirk: AAAAH! Warp 9, Mr. Sulu!
(They warp off into the distance)
(Meanwhile, behind on the planet . . .)
Woman: Aah! They got away!
Woman 2: And they were the only decent ones I'd seen forever!
(A being appears.)
Women: Dad!!
Q: You've been misbehaving again, haven't you? You're all grounded!!!