I've tried to see The Night Listener for the purposes of reviewing it for the past two nights. On both occasions I have been thwarted by a combination of the complete incompetence of whoever runs mapquest.com and the respective local street signage of Colorado and Nevada.
Apparently there was an exact duplicate of the address of the cinema I was trying to reach this evening, which just so happened to be the vallet parking lot of a shoddy casino. Coincidence, or planned trap by the overlords of Vegas? And I guess simply luring me to the casino wasn't enough, because the owners/operators took extra steps to try and ensure that I stayed there against my will. Is the point of speed bumps to encourage a lower speed from drivers, or rather to destroy the undercarriage of every passing vehicle, endeavoring to incapacitate them and force their occupants to spend the night on the premises? If the true aim is the former of the two options, then coloring your speed bumps black, and not marking them in any way is probably not the best idea. Luckily my car survived, and I managed to escape, passing a drive-in movie theatre, an ice skating rink, and at least three stray dogs on my way...but not the Regal Cinemas I was looking for. Damn you Vegas.
FOR YOUR NEXT TRIP TO NEVADA:
Here are some apparent rules and social norms that I gleaned from observing the local fauna:
In Vegas, there are no crosswalks. If you need to get to the other side of any street, simply amble across at your leisure, making sure to dress in the darkest ensemble possible so as to blend in with the asphalt, the night sky, and those deadly, booby trapped speed bumps.
The preferred vehicle of the city is the motorized scooter/wheelchair. It is recommended (but not required) that you be morbidly obese as to operate one, and if possible that you pile multiple family members onto your cart whenever traveling. Be sure to cross the road in the aforementioned manner.
Most of the roads are six lanes wide, but the speed limits are universally set at 35mph. This ensures that you can and will be pulled over as often as possible, allowing John Q. Law to make sure that you aren't ridin' dirty. (Addendum: Make sure that you drive drunk too, because the police surely wouldn't expect people staying up till all hours of the night/morning gambling to have been drinking anything but water, coffee, and V8 Splash.)
Last but certainly not least: if you need to assemble your crew at the last minute, possibly to plan to "roll on" someone, a good rally point is the freezer section of the 7-11 at the intersection of Simmons and West Harden; however, drama might ensure if the crew you planned on rolling was (unbeknownst to you) also planning on rolling on you and, having similar poor taste and judgement, decided to rendezvous at the slurpee machine.
Thankfully I made it back to my hotel room safe and sound, despite Vegas' multiple attempts to suck me in like the Death Star tractor beam. Tomorrow I will be safely back on the streets of L.A., where the streets are clearly marked, the gangs are too busy mugging and raping to pollute the local 7-11, the stray dogs are all either run over or shot, and the poor and destitute can't even afford regular wheelchairs, let alone the fancy-schmancy electric variety.
Until next time, concentrate all fire power on the main star destroyer.