I didn't go into this movie expecting much; however, I did expect the air conditioning to work, and apparently that was too much. I also expected the 12 year old behind me to run out of breath and stop talking at maybe the 90 minute mark of the movie. That also (apparently) was too much to hope for.
One thing that I was counting on did deliver though, and that was a poorly conceived, yet reasonably executed, popcorn flick. It always amuses me when two classically trained British actors (namely, Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen) take roles as a perpetually-brain-farting-parapalegic and a goofy-helmet-wearing-ambiguously-gay-control-freak, respectively.
I didn't see the second X-Men movie, and I haven't seen the first one since it was in theatres way back when, but that doesn't really matter. The only problem I had was trying to remember what sort of power Ana Paquin's character (Rogue) had that made her such a whiny little bitch. It's like her mutant gift was 24/7 PMS.
I now know it is only a matter of time before that joke is ripped off and put into the script for "Scary Movie XII: Stone of Cold Fire".
For those of you who haven't seen the trailers, the last (we hope) X-Men instalment concerns itself with the final struggle of mutants to defend their right to be different. Some doctor - whose son spends his free time trying to saw off his angel wings with a model train set - has invented a "cure", harvested from a chemotherapy survivor, which essentially destroys the "x gene" that makes mutants so special.
The cure is initially offered as a choice, but naturally things spiral out of control and it begins to be used as a weapon. Magneto then rocks out with his cock out, along with Porcupine Man (Of course he's asian, right? Could he have been anything but?) and that annoying bitch who shoots fire from his hand.
Meanwhile, some chick named Jean (who apparently was not dead, but merely surviving undetected in an underwater cocoon of the mind. Don't worry, Captain Jean Luc Picard explains it better than I just did) comes back and starts vaporizing people. My guess is that these main characters who are suddenly expendable were simply tired of making X-Men movies, but draw your own conclusions. I am told Jean/Phoenix is the most powerful mutant ever, and it appears that her powers consist of lifting things off the ground, and then vaporizing them. I think Brett Ratner watched War of the Worlds one too many times last summer.
The highlight of this film is Hugh Jackman as "Wolverine". Since his body immediately heals from any wound it receives, the audience never has to worry about losing their favorite character, so Jackman is free to spend two hours strutting about in a wife-beater acting like the poor man's Clint Eastwood.
I, for one, loved every minute of it.
A note to Halle Berry: you need to make up your mind about what kind of actress you are going to be. Are you a joke? Are you for real? I can never tell, and ever since "MAKE ME FEEL GOOD!" I haven't really been able to take you too seriously.
Also pay attention to the extremely believable "Department of Mutant Affairs", and its spokesperson - a mutant with the special ability of...being hairy and blue.
All in all, other than the broken AC and two different Century Theatres employees interupting the movie in search of "Dan Kibblesmit" (I kid you not), I think I got my nine dollars worth at this movie. The theatre was full of raucous young'uns, and we all enjoyed yelling "I'M THE JUGGERNAUT BITCH!" over and over again as we exited the theatre. Sometimes one line can save a movie, and this is definitely one of those cases.
The grade I'm giving is based not really on the artistic merit of the film, but rather on how well it achieved the low goals that it set for itself.
The Verdict: B