A Cat-a-strophic Situation
(Playing ~ "Carnival of the Animals, Dance of the Fossils," by Saint-Saens)

How to Give Your Cat a Pill

1 ~ Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently
apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth,
pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2 ~ Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3 ~ Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4 ~ Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly
with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth
with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5 ~ Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from garden.

6 ~ Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws firmly.
Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand
while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7 ~ Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy
new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from
hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8 ~ Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to stretch out flat on top of cat with head
just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw.
Force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9 ~ Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans. Drink glass of water
to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood
from carpet with cold water and soap.

10 ~ Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard
and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open
with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11 ~ Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress
to cheek and check records for date of your last tetanus shot.
Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12 ~ Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize
to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.

13 ~ Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg
of dining table. Find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth
open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak.
Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14 ~ Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches
fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by
the furniture store on way home to order new table.

15 ~ Stop by pet store and buy "cat carrier," go home and coax cat out
from wherever it's hiding, put in box, take it to vet to give the pill professionally !!

~ author unknown

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