The Good Humor Man

The Good Humor Man
(Playing ~ "On the Sunny Side of the Street")

Enjoy reading! We all need a hearty laugh daily for good health.
And ......... to those of you who contributed material ......... many thanks.

"A merry heart doeth good like a medicine .."
~ Proverbs 17:22a

"A smile is rest to the weary, daylight to the discouraged,
sunshine to the sad, and nature's best antidote for trouble."

"Laugh and the world laughs with you; cry and you cry alone.
Never carry 'yesterday' on your back. Regardless of what happened,
yesterday is dead. There's nothing you can do about it now
except to repent and make amends. If you get in the habit of carrying
'yesterday' around on your back, you'll end up being bent double."

Martha Stewart to Erma Bombeck

Hi Erma,

This perfectly delightful note is being sent on paper I made myself to tell you
what I have been up to.

Since it snowed last night, I got up early and made a sled with old barn wood and
a glue gun. I hand-painted it in gold leaf, got out my loom and made a blanket
in peaches and mauves. Then to make the sled complete, I made a white horse
to pull it from DNA that I just had sitting around in my craft room.

By then, it was time to start making the place mats and napkins for my 20
breakfast guests. I'm serving the old standard Stewart twelve-course breakfast,
but I'll let you in on a little secret ~ I didn't have time to make the tables
and chairs this morning, so I used the ones I had on hand.

Before I moved the table into the dining room, I decided to add just a touch of the holidays.
So I repainted the room in pinks and stenciled gold stars on the ceiling.

Then while the homemade bread was rising, I took antique candle molds and made
the dishes (exactly the same shade of pink) to use for breakfast. These were
made from Hungarian clay, which you can get in almost any Hungarian craft store.

Well I must run. I need to finish the buttonholes on the dress I'm wearing for breakfast.
I'll get out the sled and drive this note to the post office as soon as
the glue dries on the envelope I'll be making.

Hope my breakfast guests don't stay too long ~ I have 40,000 cranberries
to string with bay leaves before my speaking engagement at noon.

Love, Martha Stewart

P.S. When I made the ribbon for this typewriter, I used 1/8-inch in gold gauze.
I soaked the gauze in a mixture of white grapes and blackberries which I grew,
picked and crushed last week just for fun.

Response from Erma Bombeck

Dear Martha,

I am writing this on the back of an old shopping list ~ pay no attention
to the coffee and jelly stains.

I'm 20 minutes late getting my daughter up for school ~ packing a lunch with
one hand on the phone to the dog pound. Seems old Ruff needs bailing out again.

Burnt my arm on the curling iron when I was trying to make those cute
curly fries ... how DO they do that?

Still can't find the scissors to cut out some snowflakes ~ tried using an old
disposable razor ... trashed the tablecloth.

Tried that cranberry thing; frozen cranberries mushed up after I defrosted
them in the microwave.

Oh, don't use the Fruity Pebbles as a substitute in that Rice Krispie
snowball recipe unless you happen to like that disgusting shade !

The smoke alarm is going off ... talk to ya later.

Love, Erma

The Wrong Address

Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana.
He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer (JenJohnson).

Unfortunately, he forgot his wife's exact e-mail address and the e-mail ended up
going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson (JJohnson) of New Jersey, the wife of a preacher
who had just passed away. The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail
and promptly fainted.

When she was finally revived by her daughter, she nervously pointed
to the message which read:

"Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here."

Thief

Recently a guy in Paris, France, got away with stealing several paintings
from the Louvre Museum. However, after planning the crime, breaking in,
evading security and escaping with the goods, he was captured
only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then
make such an obvious error, he replied with his French accent:

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(are you ready for this?)

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"I had no money to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

Politically Correct ~ Moses at the Red Sea

Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school.

"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead
the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea,
he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the people walked across
safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements.
They sent bombers to blow up the bridge, and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?," his mother asked.
" Well, no, Mom. but ....

if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it."

Beethoven at Work?

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard, and all of a sudden he hears
some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone
that reads: Ludwig von Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music
is the Ninth Symphony, and it is being played backward !

Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is
the Seventh Symphony, but, like the previous piece, it is being played backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the
expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices
that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which
they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th and so on.

By the next day the word has spread, and a throng has gathered around the grave.
They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the
crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously.

" He's de-composing ! "

Girl On the Beach

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot.

One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.
She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing;
she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively,
then speak to them.

Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off,
but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money
and something she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed she was selling drugs, and debated calling the cops, but
since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that
she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"
He hadn't and said so.

Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and
go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping
up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband
and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

"Well? Is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly. "No, she's not," he said,
enjoying this probably more than he should have.

"Well? What is it, then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson."

"Batteries?" cried the wife.

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(You're gonna love this.)

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"Yes," he replied. "She sells C cells by the sea shore."

Where am I?

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching
Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blond employee,
"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?
Would you please pronounce where we are, very slowly?"

The blond girl leaned over the counter and said ,

"Burrrrrrrr - gerrrrrrr - Kiiiiing."

The Grandson

A grandmother was giving directions to her grown grandson who was coming
to visit with his wife:

"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T.
There is a big panel at the entrance door. With your elbow, push button 14T.
I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your
elbow hit 14. When you get out, I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?"

"You're coming empty handed !! ??"

I'd love it if you would sign my guest book ... click on my picture.

grab the script here for the snow effect
Dynamicdrive.com

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