Dec 10,

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Smoking a Turkey !!
(Playing ~ "Turkey In the Straw")

SAN DIEGO ~ Dec. 10, 1990, 10:36 p.m. ~ Holidays, except for the weather, are pretty much the same for me out here in the Southwest corner or back in Tennessee. To start, no one will let me smoke the turkey. When I was growing up in Lebanon, and every time I return there for a holiday, my mother cooks the turkey. When there are only a few of us there, she makes a chicken taste like a turkey. She roasts the turkey, or the chicken, in the oven, and it comes complete with dressing and gravy. When we have a holiday out here, my wife cooks the turkey the same way my mother cooks the turkey.

Every Thanksgiving and Christmas, I volunteer to cook the turkey. Every year, whether in Tennessee or out here in the Southwest corner, whoever is in charge of turkeys says no. They profess to love the turkey the way I fix it, but they say another time would be better. They say they want a traditional turkey. I picked up turkey cooking while I was spending some considerable time about two-thirds of the way between here in the Southwest corner and Tennessee. The Colonel, grandfather of my oldest daughter, lived up in Paris, Texas, and he fed me my first smoked turkey. I loved it. Since then, I have modified his recipe somewhat and do cook one fine smoked turkey. Since I can't have it out here or in Tennessee, I thought someone with fewer traditionalists in their immediate family might like to have the recipe to try for the holidays.

~ SMOKING A TURKEY ~

Ingredients:

1. Turkey. This is fairly important to the success of the whole affair. Pick a good one. The critical part is to make sure
it will fit in the smoker.

2. 1 container large enough to hold the turkey and cover it with the magic elixir. I've been known to use a plastic bucket, but sometimes the dog gets upset as we normally use it for his water dish. This is okay as long as we stay out of biting reach
of the dog for two or three days.

3. 1 smoker, probably any kind that claims to be a smoker and any number of possible jury rigs would work; however, if I were using a "Weber" or like vessel, I would make sure that there was extra water in the smoker.

4. 1 bottle of beer. Beer in longnecks is preferable but one should not become too concerned about the type of beer as
"Lone Star" is a bit too elegant for this type of cooking. Besides, we wouldn't want to waste a beer worth drinking
on some dumb turkey. If one is desperate and doesn't mind subjecting oneself to abject humiliation, it is permissible
to stoop to using a can of beer.

5. 1\2 cup of Madeira. Again, I wouldn't be overly concerned about the quality of the wine, and in truth, any red wine is probably okay. However, I would stay away from "Night Train" wine as it has been known to eat through barbeque grills, smokers, and anything made of material weaker than that used in hulls of nuclear submarines.

6. Angostura bitters
7. Worcestershire sauce
8. Chili powder
9. Oregano
10. Sage
11. Honey
12. Molasses

13. Undoubtedly, there are numerous items that I have forgotten to list here, but that's okay as it really depends on what your individual taste is ~~ I don't suggest substituting low fat milk for the beer, but most everything else is probably okay ~~
and if it's really important, I'll realize I left it out when I get to the narrative of how to use all this stuff and
include the forgotten ingredient there.

Preparation:

Thaw the turkey. Take all those weird things that they put in those plastic packages inside the turkey and cook them in a skillet without the plastic packages, turning them frequently. Then feed what you just cooked to the dog. It might placate him enough
to keep him from biting you for taking away his water bucket. If there are traditionalists in the bunch, give the stuff
to them rather than the dog and let them make gravy.

Put the turkey in large container. Pour beer and Madeira over turkey. If you have not allowed about 24 hours for the turkey to thaw or about 8-12 hours for marinating the turkey, call your invited guests and advise them that the celebration will be about two days later than indicated on the original invitation.

Sprinkle other ingredients over the turkey. Be plentiful. It's almost impossible to get too much.
Crunch the garlic cloves I didn't mention in the ingredients and add to the container. I normally use about four normal sized cloves for a normal sized turkey. Also add the previously omitted bay leaves, about 6-8 for that same normal sized bird.

Add enough water to cover the turkey although it probably wouldn't be a disaster if a leg partially stuck out. Then
put the container in a safe place, unless, of course, you want the dog to be rapturously happy and not bite you
until long after his teeth have fallen out.

Allow to sit undisturbed for 6-10 hours (longer is better and ten hours is not necessarily the upper limit, but exceeding ten hours may have some impact on when you either eat or get tired of the turkey taking up all that safe space).

Put the turkey on smoker grill above water pan after lighting the charcoal (one or two coals burning well is the best condition
for the charcoal) and placing soaked hickory chips, which I also forgot to mention earlier, on the charcoal -- again,
be plentiful -- after soaking the chips for at least 30 minutes. Pour remaining magic elixir over the turkey into
the water pan. Add as much water to the water pan as possible without overflowing and putting out the fire below.
Cover. Do not touch. Do not look. Do not peek…unless it doesn't start to smoke in about thirty minutes.
Then peek. If it's smoking, leave alone for at least six hours for a large normal sized turkey. It is almost impossible
to overcook if you have added enough water at the outset. You should check and add water or charcoal
throughout the process. I have found that mesquite charcoal is the best, as it burns hotter. Regular charcoal
will do fine but will require more checking.

The secret to the whole process is to cook extremely slow, as slow as possible and still start the fire.

Serve turkey, preferably without the garlic cloves or bay leaves. Now is the time for "Night Train" wine or the good beer.
Serve "Night Train" very cold as indicated on the label.

The turkey's also good cold.

Shoot the dog.

My thanks to my friend Jim from our town of Lebanon, TN, for allowing me the privilege of using this humorous piece.
It is part of a series he wrote that he called "From the Southwest Corner."

Jim is a retired Commander, U. S. Navy. Before joining the Navy, he had a career in journalism, including assignments
in Tennessee and in New York. He continues his hobby of writing.

I would love it if you would sign my guest book.

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