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Thanksgiving Sans Martha
(Playing ~ "Over the River and Through the Wood to Grandmother's House We Go")

A Change In Plans

Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. I'm telling you in advance, so don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've made a few small changes: Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.

Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall is not decorated with the swags of Indian corn and Fall foliage I had planned to make. Instead, I've gotten the kids involved in the decorating by having them track in colorful Autumn leaves from the front yard. The mud was their idea.

The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china, or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.

Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead, we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist
assures me it is a turkey.

We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be
happy to share every choice comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hotline.
Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the turkey
was still hard enough to cut diamonds.

As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children
should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously
like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying.

We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end,
we chose to keep our traditional method.

We've also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather
around the table and sit where you like.

In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at

a separate table.
In a separate room.
Next door.

Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative
onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a
private ceremony. I stress "private," meaning: Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh
at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an electric knife.
The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.

I would like to take this opportunity to remind my young diners that "passing the rolls" is not a football
play. Nor is it a request to bean your sister in the head with warm tasty bread. Oh, and one reminder for
the adults: For the duration of the meal, and especially while in the presence of young diners, we will
refer to the giblet gravy by its lesser-known name: Cheese Sauce. If a young diner questions you
regarding the origins or type of Cheese Sauce, plead ignorance.

Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious
desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small
fingerprints. You will still have a choice: take it or leave it.

Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving.
She probably won't come next year either.

I am thankful !

~ author unknown

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