Building Memories

By Jen

 

          “Now you can look, Mommy.”

 

          Six-year-old Elizabeth Fields beamed and moved her small body away from her masterpiece.  Her mother, Kate, turned from her book to gaze upon the creation.

 

          “It’s beautiful, honey,” she muttered, as she stared at the tower of bright red and blue Legos.  The structure had four walls, a doorway, and when Kate stood up and peered inside, she saw rooms, with more doorways.  “A house?” she questioned.

 

          “Ah huh.  I builted it like our house.  Someday I’ll make you a new house, Mommy.”

 

          Kate smiled and stroked her daughter’s hair.  “Why would I need a new house?”

 

          “ ‘Cause you say that we should have a bigger one.”

 

          Kate laughed aloud.  Inwardly she sighed.  It was true she dreamed often of a bigger house.  A bigger life to be more precise her mind acknowledged.

 

          “We don’t need one. We’re just fine.  But I’d live in any house you built, sweetheart.”

 

          Elizabeth smiled widely; it was almost as if her mother had promised her the world.  “Don’t let anybody touch it.”     

 

“No one will touch it, I promise. Now, time for bed.”  Kate shoved Elizabeth toward the stairs and the girl, after a moment’s hesitation, climbed the staircase.  Kate stole another glance at the Lego house before she followed.

         

It’s like all of her dreams are contained within one Lego house she thought, and turned back to the stairs, its picture remaining in her mind.

 

          Kate tiptoed down the stairs, fearing each step would awaken Elizabeth.  Each night, she used the same ploys to stay up later.  She’d begin with a simple hesitation at the bottom of the stairs, then she’d take forever to brush her teeth, and finally it ended with constant pleas for another bedtime story.  Kate paused on the last step, smiling.  She enjoyed each and every moment she spent with her daughter, even when it involved whining.  After trying for so long, she vowed that she’d never waste a moment spent with Elizabeth.  A sudden pang hit her heart.

 

          Have I? a voice in her head nagged. She blinked and completed her journey, falling onto the couch in an exhausted heap.  The house was quiet; Kate’s husband, Mark, was away for the weekend on a medical convention.  Kate sighed and stared ahead.  She had turned the television off and was in no mood to watch another sitcom.  Turning her head, she found herself staring down at the floor at Elizabeth’s house.  She climbed down from the couch and sat down gently next to it, the rug coarse against her bare feet.  Running her hands along the walls, she smiled as she saw how Elizabeth had carefully re-created each and every room in their home.  She had even built furniture and little Lego people had been placed outside the front door.  There was one man and two women, each with brown ponytails.

 

          Guess that’s our family Kate thought as she picked up the man and woman.  Mark and I she mused.  Placing each on the rug beside her, her hands moved to the unassembled Legos that took up a chunk of the living room.  She grabbed a green base piece and before she knew it, she was stacking blocks.  She didn’t even know what she was building; she simply let her hands guide her.  Five minutes later, she looked at her creation in confusion.

 

          What is it? She stared for a second, then reached beside her for the Lego people.  After another moment’s thought she placed each in front of the stairs she had built.  It was familiar.  It was comforting, yet not.  It was . . .

 

          “I think I could get through life fine without high school.”

 

          “No, you couldn’t.  You wouldn’t want to.  Sis, high school is the best time of your life.  Popularity, parties, dating, and extended curfew.”

 

          Kate looked down at her books.  “Sure, popularity’s easy for you,” she muttered.  Peter had no idea how difficult it would be for her.  He was a junior, already established.  His awkward moment was gone; now it was simply easy street.

 

          “Hey, we’re related.  That already gives you plenty of brownie points.” He glanced out the window.  “All the girls will tell you that I am definitely hot stuff.”

 

          “I’m sure that’s exactly what they’ll say.”  Kate’s words dripped with sarcasm.  The bell rang in the distance, and she watched Peter ascend the stairs to his first class.  She stood alone, looking up at the words . . .

 

          “Franklin High School,” Kate repeated to herself as she moved the Lego people inside her structure.  Only this time she placed them a foot apart.  Looking in she wondered . . .

 

          “I’ll never find biology in this place,” Kate moaned, leaning against her locker. 

 

          “You got your locker open.  That’s a feat in itself,” a voice answered her and Kate looked up.  He was beautiful, she immediately decided.  There was no other word.  Six feet at least, dirty blond hair, and engaging blue eyes.  She couldn’t even stutter a response. 

 

          “That locker is cursed.  Usually it tortures each freshman that gets the unfortunate chance to use it for the year.  Guess it likes your touch.”  He shut his own locker.

 

          “Uh, yeah,” she muttered, feeling like her entire brain had decided it was time for a lunch break.

 

          “I’m Mark Fields.”  He extended his hand and she took it, and at the moment she felt like high school would be the best experience . . .

 

          “I’m Kate Alison,” she repeated softly to herself and she pulled apart Legos.  The man and woman were thrown back on the carpet, while her hands moved again, building what she could only call a pathetic attempt at a slide . . .

 

          “Go down the slide?” she questioned.  “But I haven’t done that since I was ten.”

 

          “So? I’ll push you,” he encouraged and shoved her toward the stairs.  She climbed them and sat on top. 

 

          “I –“

 

          “No I’s.  Just go.”

 

          She looked down at the shiny surface.  “But-“

 

          “But what?  You know you want to.”         

 

          “I do, but …” He looked at her and smiled.

 

          “Think of it as a dream.  Or as a step toward something bigger.”  He climbed down the stairs and positioned himself at the bottom of the slide.  “I’ll catch you.”

 

          She looked down at him.  He looked expectant, and she knew.  She knew it wasn’t a dream.  It wasn’t a step.  It was …

 

          “Right,” she whispered, the word fading almost as soon as it was spoken.  Once again Legos were disassembled.  Instead of reaching for more blocks, Kate simply placed both people on the green Lego base . . .

 

          “I’m going to college.”  The wind blew through her hair, lifting the brown stands off her face. 

 

          “Good,” Mark answered.  “You should.”

 

          “I’m going to do something incredible.  I’ll be a teacher that revolutionizes teaching.”  She sat down in the grass and stared at the sun.  Mark bent down and put his arms around her.

 

          “Teaching, huh?”

 

          “Sure.  It’s always been a dream for me.  My mother says it’s crazy.  She says that if I want to revolutionize the world, I should go into another field.  One where women aren’t common.  Like becoming a famous female cardiologist.  I told her that you were going to be the doctor, not me.  I’m barely pulling a B in anatomy.”

 

          Matt grinned.  “You’ll make a great teacher.  Hell, you’d make a great doctor.  You’d make a great anything.”

 

          “You make me sound unreal, Mark.  I don’t want to simply be an ideal.”

 

          “An ideal?”

 

          “Sure.  I don’t want to say that I’m going to do something, then change my goal.  I want my motivation to my guide, and to always be the reason I get up in the morning.  Twenty years from now, I want be able to say: ‘I have no regrets.’”

 

          “That’s awfully hard.  No one’s perfect.”    

 

          “I know.”  She turned to him.  “I got into UCLA.”  

 

          His face fell.  “California?”  She nodded.  “It’s so far.”

 

          She turned to him and grabbed his hand.  “So?  UCLA, NYU.  You can visit the west coast and you know I jump at any change to travel anywhere.  I already spend so much at your dorm as it is.  I’ll even be done before you.  Teaching doesn’t take eight years of training.  It’ll work.”

 

          “I love this motivation of yours.  Where can get some?”

 

          She smiled and they stared at the sky, simply enjoying each other’s company, the breeze the only sound . . .

          Kate’s hand grabbed more Legos, shaping then into a table and chairs.  She seated the Lego people in the chairs and added a Lego umbrella to complete the look.  She twirled the umbrella with her fingers . . .

 

          It blew in the wind.  The summer breeze was a welcome change to humidity of the city. 

 

          “You can’t.”

 

          “Sure, I can.”  She played with the straw sitting in her soda glass.  “Mark, this wasn’t just a pregnancy scare.  This was a wake-up call.”

 

          “For you to transfer out of UCLA?  I don’t think so.”

 

          “I have two years left.  I can finish them at NYU.  My parents are overjoyed; they want me to be closer to home.  And you’ll be going to med school this fall at Columbia.  It’ll work.”

 

          “But what about your dreams? Your ideas?  The plan-”

 

          “I still have a plan.  It’s just a bit altered.”

 

          “Your goal –“

 

          “Is the same.”

 

          “Kate . . .”

 

          “What?”  She took her hand.  “You and me.  We work.  Together.”

 

          He looked at her.  “I love you.  I want you to be near to me, but . . .”

 

          “Now it’s my turn to say ‘no buts.’ Think of it as a dream.  As a step toward something bigger,” she said with a smile.        

 

          “Don’t haunt me with my own words, Kate.”  He stared out at the sky, lost in thought.  Kate turn back to her soda, when he suddenly jerked her toward him.

 

          “Marry me.”

 

          “What?”

 

          “Marry me.  If you want to do this, if this is your choice, and you are going to be here, then we should be together forever.”  He took her straw out of her glass and folded in into a ring shape, finally sliding it into her finger.  She looked at it.

 

          “Yes,” she whispered and they kissed long and passionate, drawing looks from those surrounding . . .

 

          Her hands worked quickly, constructing a chapel, then destroying it.  She took a flat Lego and found herself making a bed, once again taking the two Lego people and placing them into the environment . . .

 

          “Something’s wrong.”

 

          “How can you say that?  We’ve only been trying for a year.  It takes time for birth control to work out of

your-”

 

          “Spare me the medical crap, Mark.  We can’t have a baby.  God, I’m twenty-nine and I can’t have a baby.  One year of trying and I can’t get pregnant.”  She flipped the comforter aside, and remained perched on the bed.  Mark sighed and joined her, sitting to her right, his hand grabbing her waist. 

 

          “So, we’re having a little difficulty.  It’ll work. We just have to be motivated to do this.”

 

          “Motivation, my ass.”  She got up from the bed.  “Mark, I teach kindergarten.  I thought I’d be teaching high school.  Instead I’m teaching five-year-olds.  Little children that are just a constant reminder of our ‘difficulty.’  Every month I hope I’ll change.  I want to walk into the classroom without a tampon in my purse!”  Her last phrase was almost shouted and Mark flinched. 

 

          “We can do this.  We can go a see a specialist, if you want.”

 

          She nodded, feeling the tears fall down her face . . .

 

          As she pulled apart the pieces, Kate felt a lone tear fall down her face.  They’d went.  They tried.  For three more years.  At 32, Kate was ready to give up having a child.  Her tear aside, she picked up a block and made a desk . . .

 

          “What are you doing here?”

 

          “Can’t a wife visit her husband on her day off?”  She held her hands behind her back, and was afraid she’d explode before she could tell him. 

 

          “What’s up?”  Mark closed the chart and gave her his full attention.

 

          “This.”  She shoved an object into his lap and for a minute he looked puzzled.

 

          “A plus sign?  Kate, what –“  Suddenly his whole face changed.  “A plus sign?  Oh my God, you’re . . .”

 

          She nodded.  “I’m two months late.  I made an appointment with the doctor.  For Thursday, so you can come with me, Daddy.”

 

          “Daddy?”  He pulled her down into his arms.  “I could get used to that.”  They kissed and for a moment everything seemed right in the world . . .

 

          Kate looked at the desk and shaped it into a couch. This time, she picked up the other Lego female and placed her in the scene.  For a moment, it looked right.  For a moment . . .

 

          “You’re working late again?”

 

          “Pete and I have cases to go over.”  He didn’t even look up from his file.  “Did you get that raise?”

 

          Kate sighed as she bounced the baby on her lap.  “No.  I got a pink slip instead.”

 

          Mark immediately looked up.  “You what?”

 

          “I got fired.  Turns out they use maternity leave to lay off teachers all the time.”

 

          “So fight it.  You could win.  You like your job.”

 

          She shrugged.  “I don’t know if it’s worth it.”

 

          “Where’s your motivation, Kate?  You love teaching.”

 

          Kate looked down at Elizabeth as she gurgled happily.  “I have other responsibilities.  I could stay home with Elizabeth.  You make plenty of money.  We talked about this once.”

 

          “And you defended your job into the ground, Kate.”  He looked at her, before letting his gaze fall to the rug.  “Whatever you want to do, Kate.  It’s your life.”

 

          She nodded and smiled at Elizabeth.  The baby was still gurgling, unaware to the world around her . . .

 

          Her hands practically tore apart the scene, the couch exploding in a sea of blue Legos.  For a split second, she wanted to hurl it at the wall, but stopped herself.  Instead, she looked down at the blocks . . .

 

          “Maybe you could help?”

 

          Mark leaned down to help scoop up the Lego pieces.  “You’re avoiding the subject.”

 

          Kate dropped a handful of Legos into the bucket with a thud.  “No, I’m not.”

 

          “Well, then what is it?  You mad at me?  You mad at the world?”

 

          Kate sighed, shaking her head.  Mark grabbed the Lego bucket from her, forcing her to look at him.

 

          “I’m sorry I’m not around.  I’m just trying so hard to get-”

 

          “Mark, that’s not it.  I got through your residency.  It’s fine.”

 

          It was Mark’s turn to sigh.  “Sometimes, Kate, I don’t understand.  One day, we’re on the same page.  The next, it’s like you’re a chapter ahead.  Kate.” He paused and looked at her.  “What’s happening?  To you?  To us?”

 

          Kate dropped the Legos in her hand back down on the rug and looked at him.  “Nothing is happening to us.  I love you.”

 

          Mark moved to sit next to her.  They sat leaning against the couch, two adults surrounded in a sea of Legos.  “You’re unhappy,” he stated, not meeting her eyes. Kate didn’t answer.  “See?  You are.  Maybe you should have stayed at UCLA.”  Again he didn’t meet her eyes.

 

          Kate turned to him.  “No, I didn’t like UCLA.  Mark, I love you, but that wasn’t the only reason I left.  I hated California.  I get sunburns.  I’m not a beach person, I-“ She broke off and let silence sit between them for a second.  “It was my decision.”

 

          “Go back to work.” Kate looked at him in surprise.  She hadn’t been expecting that response from him.

 

          “Why?  I’m happy at home-“

 

          “No, you’re not.  Listen to what you just said, Kate.  Your choice to leave California.  That’s great, but you didn’t choose to leave your job.  You didn’t choose to become housewife-extraordinaire.”

 

          “No, I didn’t,” she admitted.   Again, she sighed.  “Mark, you were sure about your life.  How did you do it?”

 

          He put his arm around her.  “I didn’t.  I wasn’t sure.  No one is.  I remember what you said about ‘no regrets.’ Kate, it could be impossible to live life like that.  I, for one, would love to change the moment when I punched Steve Carson.”

 

          Kate smiled.  “Why?  He deserved it.  He tried to make a move on me.  It was prom.”

 

          He smiled back.  “Sure, but now that I look back at it, I realize that by doing that, I got nowhere.  He was hitting on another girl in an hour.”    

 

          “But no one would listen with that black eye of his.”  Kate sighed. “I was taught that we do things for a reason.”

 

          “Then what’s the problem?”

 

          “I don’t have any reasons to do anything but sit on this floor right now.”

 

          Mark took her hand.  “Sure, you do.  Who wants to sit on the this particular floor, when there are tons of other floors we could be sitting on?”

 

          She smiled and hit him lightly. Mark grinned back, then became more serious.  “Kate, are we okay?  Are you okay?”

 

          Kate looked out at the Legos and then at the entire living room.  Her eyes fell on a framed card hanging on the wall.  “Ms. Kate is the best teacher,” it read, and inside was signed carefully by 25 kindergarteners that were still getting the grips on writing their names.  She looked back at Mark.

 

          “We’re okay.  I’m okay.  I just needed a break.”  He looked at her confused as she got up and went to the wall lifting the frame off the nail it hung from. 

 

          “This would look better over here.” With a proud smile, she placed the frame down on the fireplace, an attraction of their living room that every visitor saw as soon as they crossed the threshold of the front door. 

 

          “Perfect,” she whispered to herself . . .

 

          “Perfect,” she repeated as the memory of the word continued to echo through her head.  Kate stopped, shook her head, and looked down at the mess surrounding her.  Blocks were everywhere and it was almost 11 o’clock.  She glanced at the couch and suddenly a thought hit her.  She scooped up a bunch of blocks and let them rain down on the floor . . .

 

          “Daddy’s making a mess, Mommy.”

 

          Kate laughed as Mark let Legos rain down on Elizabeth’s face.  “He sure is,” she agreed.

 

          “So?” Mark defended and threw a block in Kate’s direction. Soon, she found herself involved in the Lego fight, that brought her and Mark to the floor.  He looked at her.

 

          “Did they call?”

 

          “Yesterday.  I got the job.  I’m going to be a first-grade teacher.”

 

          “You’re moving up.”  He picked up a handful of blocks and let them fall into her stomach.  “Those kids are lucky.”

 

          “You think?”

 

          “Sure.” 

 

          She moved her head onto his lap.  Off in the distance Elizabeth was involved in her own architect world.  She latched onto his hand . . .

 

          A door slam interrupted her thought.  Kate looked up from her pile of Legos to find Mark standing in the doorway, a smile on his face.

 

          “What are you doing here?” 

 

          “The seminar got done early.  At eight this evening.  I was going to drive back tomorrow morning, but I wanted to be home tonight.  I was motivated. I like home.”  He smiled and joined her on the floor.  “What are you doing?”

 

          Kate looked down at the once again dismantled Legos.  “Just experimenting with a little motivation of my own.”

 

          Mark leaned in close to her.  “Experimenting is always fun.”  He grinned and gently kissed her.  She broke the kiss and sighed.

 

          “What?” he asked.

 

          “Nothing,” she said, leaning into him.  “I’m perfectly happy.  No regrets.”

 

          “Sure about that?” He placed his arm around her and she met his gaze. 

 

          “Yep.”