I really want to write an article about the people that I work with. They are a wonderfully entertaining group of oddballs, myself quite possibly the oddest among them. Unfortunately, my boss won’t allow it (think Secret Government Test Project). Instead, I am stuck writing about the ever-important career back-up plan, which in the case that I am ever disposed of at my current job, say after publication of a certain article, will be vital to maintaining both funds and fun.

So I have come up with a list of possible secondary careers should something catastrophic happen to my current career, that of a communications specialist (as I like to say, “I’m special!”).

Re-enactor Actor

I got this idea while watching What Should You Do? on Lifetime or one of those similar channels. What Should You Do? is one of those helpful shows that explains what should be done in case of an emergency like if you’re in a car accident, someone faints in front of you, or you’re on death row and “accidentally” ingest a bottle of copier fluid a la House.

I would be a fantastic re-enactor actor. The major skills include flailing about and screaming things like “Oh my God! What should we do?” I would no doubt be guaranteed the part, as I am quite proficient in both flailing and screaming, particularly at the same time. The pay may not be great, but if the situations on the show are any indication, I will be getting a lot of exercise.

Dead Body on CSI

Along the same vein, I would be quite suited to play a dead body on CSI, a role which entails, mostly, sleeping. Since I am afflicted with both chronic insomnia and chronic fatigue, this could, quite possibly, be the perfect job. Sure, the “morgue” may be cold, but my heart would undoubtedly warm at the sight of Eric Szmanda (Greg) forlornly eyeing my pallid corpse. Of course, being dead, my eyes would probably be closed, but I’d settle for the sound of his voice.

The sound of a Striker saw, however, would be another story. I’d have to be a convenient death – heart attack, diabetes, kidney failure – something that would not require my head to be cracked open. I have a high tolerance for gore, but the sound of that saw would make this dead rise again.

Professional Mourner

Not that I anticipate every future career path will involve death or destruction, but the job of professional mourner sounds like quite an adventure. I’d only have to dress in black, which is fabulous since it’s so slimming. I may have to learn some songs in other languages, but I’ve never been one to back down from a challenge. The most difficult part of this job would be developing a knack for ululating. If any of you listen to 105.7 The X, you will understand just how difficult this task is (Earl’s almost got it down). It’s kind of like yodeling with soul.

With this job, I’d get to travel the world, but would try to make a name for myself first locally where one of my neighbors, a retired Army general, has already tasked most of his friends with a part in his funeral. Every summer we practice our mourning, and every summer we get just a little bit worse.

Romance Novel Title and Book Jacket Writer

For my friend Gretchen’s birthday, I got her a romance novel called His Wedding Ring of Revenge. About the book, from Harlequin’s website, “Vito won't be blackmailed, but at last Rachel's caught in his ring… his wedding ring of revenge!” Seriously. For my friend Pip’s birthday, she was bestowed with Impossibly Pregnant. I have a master’s degree in writing. Might as well put it to good use and come up with titles for romance novels. And of course I have to write the accompanying book jacket. Encouraged by Pip, whose nickname, for tae kwon do reasons, is Pinkies of Fury, here is my first attempt:

“Mona, a 36D by nature only, found herself attracted to Randolf… though she knew he was all wrong. On the run from the cops, Randolf denied that he had ever run naked through the streets of Harrisburg after running his Hershey kiss boxer shorts up a flagpole in front of the capital. Mona wasn't sure of his honesty, but there was something about him… something about his hands. She did her best, but she could only succumb to his pinkies of fury.” I think this job has definite potential.

Stunt Person on 105.7 The X

When I lived in Maryland, my favorite radio station was Hot 99.5 with the Hot Morning Mess. The Morning Mess had a stunt man named Teapot Tim. Teapot Tim did everything from lighting himself on fire as part of a human menorah to being duct-taped to a telephone pole as a human billboard. I am willing to step up and be 105.7’s Teapot. Although I’d need my own clever name like Looney Laura or Dangerous Dugan or Curly (my pre-existing Stooge name).

By far the most dangerous of my proposed back-up careers, the level of risk of this job comes not through the actual tasks involved but through my future co-workers. Jen would be fine. Jen would be the common sense shining through. Nipsey, on the other hand, well… And then there’s Earl. On second thought, I’m not so sure I want to imagine what those guys would put me through. They’d probably want me to walk on the moon to prove once and forever whether or not the original moon landing actually happened.

Yeah. I don’t think I’m quite ready for a job like that. However, I may be able to offer them some advice when it comes to ululating.

Take that, Nipsey, and put it in your spelling bee.