The most important lesson to be learned from soap life is that no one ever really dies; death is never final. Chances are that someone from your past, who may have even died in your arms, will someday come back with a rather clever explanation as to why they are alive. It usually involves prison, kidnappers, and a lot of plastic surgery. In real life, death is unfortunately final with the exception of those few “near death experiences.”
Although the divorce rate in America is extremely high, many couples do find a way to stay together and join the ranks of those living “happily ever after.” Many marriages make it far beyond the 25 year mark, some even past 50! Soap operas seem to abide by an unwritten rule when it comes to marriage: only one couple per town is allowed to stay together for any extended period of time. Extended, of course, means any point past 10 years. There are rare occasions where 2 couples pass this milestone, but the years tend to not be consecutive as most couples, meaning the same two people, get divorced and married an average of 3 times.
Another vital key to soap opera life is that no matter your age, gender, or race you will most likely have an illegitimate child. If you are rich, your chances increase ten fold. Illegitimate children will pop out of the woodwork in real life, but the chances of this occurring are much lower and the chances of the child being of the same race as you are much higher. The chances of the child merely wanting to be a part of your life and not wanting you for your money are off the charts compared to soap life.
Modern technology has certainly affected the real world when it comes to plastic surgery. New procedures are being developed each day that rapidly push America forward in the race to find eternal beauty. On soap operas, plastic surgery is beyond belief. Your own child, generally after being “on vacation” or “kidnapped,” can have an entirely new appearance that causes them to be unrecognizable. If you can think of it, it can change. Hair color, eye color, bone structure, and even height can be altered and generally leave no scarring or require recovery time.
Soaps offer people in the hospital, for reasons other than plastic surgery, a choice as to how long their stay in the hospital will be. It doesn’t matter if they are in the hospital for routine surgery, in a coma, or giving birth. As soon as you tire of your surroundings, you can leave. You will also only ever deal with one doctor and one nurse who can change their specialties, much like a chameleon changes colors, to match a specific background. In real life, as long as you have half decent health insurance, you stay in the hospital as long as it is required for you to heal. You have a variety of doctors and nurses, most specializing in one field.
Soap and real hospitals alike have a variety of floors that serve specific purposes. However, in real life you’re taken to the floor that best suits your condition. On a soap, you only ever see the ER and one other floor, generally a high number like 8. The other floors seem to live in an eternal cloud of mystery.
Many modern Americans travel with their cell phones. Cell phones are a hot commodity that people can’t seem to live without. They’re easy to handle, extremely convenient, and fit practically anywhere. Soap people are also drawn to this nifty little invention for the same reasons. Their cell phones, however, reside in their purses or coat pockets tucked neatly away with the other item soap residents can’t live without: a gun. They seem to believe that a gun can be a very handy tool used for anything from protecting oneself from an ex-lover to using it as a paperweight. Those who travel without a gun are very likely to find themselves at the opposite end of a pistol; dead.
Soaps and the real world consist of people from all sorts of backgrounds with all sorts of histories. People in both worlds generally live average lifetimes. They both contain small towns where everyone knows everyone and everything that occurs within its boundaries. The both offer the ultimate of conveniences, quickie divorces. What soap life offers is a chance for the extraordinary. If you can imagine it, sooner or later, it will occur. Real life also offers this oxy moron of unexpected guarantees, but the odds that all of the events that take place in the typical span of a soap resident’s lifetime will also occur in the span of a real worlder’s are very slim. Both lives can, though, be very fun.
