Appendix
The Exercises
One of the exercises in Healing the Shame that Binds You, by John Bradshaw, is to imagine yourself sitting in another chair in front of you and to basically see yourself as other people see you.
I tried it, but all I could see was someone I was extremely disappointed with. Since I knew that wasn't how the exercise was suppose to work, I decided to imagine one of my dearest friends in the chair. Once I had the image of Amy there in my mind, I began to give her all my problems, one by one. Somewhere in the middle, I became so wrapped up in the experience that I began to cry and thought, "My God! Amy, how can you stand it? You must be so strong to be able to deal with all of that and still do this and that. There is no one on Earth as wonderful as you. I am so glad that you are my friend."
Just then a little voice in the back of my mind went BAP!
"That's you, you idiot!!! Why do you think Amy is so strong and wonderful, but think yourself so weak and pathetic?"
I wish I could say it was a complete epiphany, but it was more of slap in the face. I still did not think I was strong and wonderful, but I did begin to entertain the notion that maybe I wasn't as terrible as I thought I was.
"Making Peace With All Your Villagers" was my most favorite exercise the first time I went through Bradshaw’s book, because it gave me the most immediate insight.
The main idea is to stop making yourself into a "super-human" or a "sub-human". Shame-based people often try to be more than human, and see themselves as less than human. They never allow themselves to just be human.
First, you make a list of the people you dislike and rank them in order of the intensity of your feelings; the most reprehensible person being number 1. Then, use a few lines to describe the aspects of their character and moral flaws that repulse you.
Read over each name on your list and reflect on the aspect of each that you despise the most. Reduce your description to that one trait. Each of these personality traits represent a disowned part of yourself - an energy pattern you have worked very hard to repress in yourself.
For every repressed energy pattern is another energy pattern working very hard to keep the unwanted part trapped. The next thing you do is to identify that blocking trait - the one your shame-based self overcompensates with.
Now, the interesting part. Ask each disowned energy how it could help you, if used in an appropriate way, of course. We're just trying to become normal humans, after all, not going over to the Dark Side of the Force. Here's my list, without the longer character descriptions:
Worse Trait: Lies about others to get sympathy.
Repressed Energy: Dishonesty
Blocking Energy: Extreme
Honesty
How the Repressed Energy can benefit me: Protects me from revealing too much.
Worse Trait: Arrogant Creep
Repressed Energy: Arrogance
Blocking Energy: Humility
How the Repressed Energy can benefit me: Protects me from being devalued as a person.
Worse Trait: Malicious Control Freak
Repressed Energy: Manipulating
Blocking Energy: Encouraging
Others
How the Repressed Energy can benefit me: Helps me to accomplish my own goals.
Worse Trait: Uses people for own purposes.
Repressed Energy: Selfishness
Blocking Energy: Self-sacrificing
How the Repressed
Energy can benefit me: Allows me to depend on others.
Worse Trait: Mean-spirited Hypocrite
Repressed Energy: Mean
Blocking Energy: Nice
How the Repressed Energy can benefit me: Protects my feelings.
Worse Trait: Tries to control people by whining.
Repressed Energy: Complaining
Blocking Energy: Uncomplaining
How the Repressed
Energy can benefit me: Protects my rights.
Worse Trait: Refuses to accept responsibility for own actions.
Repressed Energy: Irresponsibility
Blocking Energy: Over-responsibility
How the Repressed Energy can benefit me: Reduces my guilt for failures.
Worse Trait: Narrow-minded and inflexible.
Repressed Energy: Narrow-minded
Blocking Energy: Accepting
How the Repressed
Energy can benefit me: Validates my value system.
"The Parts Party" exercise is another one along the same lines of achieving a balance between one’s strengths and weaknesses.
I see a stage door slowly opened before me. I walk through and enter a beautiful little theater. The walls are paneled in mahogany, with intricately carved details all over. Dark maroon velvet curtains are hanging in strategic places. I walk down to the front row. The chairs are upholstered with midnight blue satin. I sit down and get comfortable. The lights dim and the stage curtains open. The stage sign says that it's my part review.
I think of a part of me I truly like . . . my ability to program. I imagine MN, an old colleague of mine, to represent this aspect of me. I see her walk across the stage, dress smartly in navy suit, to the right side of the stage. Loud applause sounds for her. Next comes the representation of my nurturing, DI, an older woman who befriended me in college. She, too, is dressed beautifully and accompanied by applause as she walks over my work colleague. Now, my humor comes forth, represented by another woman (DW) who befriended me in college, but about two decades younger than the previous one. She is wearing the dark sweater and pearl earrings I remember so well. Her face is bright and smiling at the applause given her as she crosses the stage. Next comes my creativity, represented by one of my high school English teachers (W). Applause follows her petite form as it goes to stand next to the other women. Lastly, comes my love of learning, represented by my teacher of early world history (SB) from high school. She is dressed casually, and though the years of archeology and world travel shows on her face, she beams brightly as she joins the others.
Now for the parts of me I despise. First, I call forth my fatigue, which walks onto the stage represented by a friend of mine (TK), who never seems to have enough energy to do even the basics sometimes. Boos and hisses follow her as she walks to the left end of the stage. Now, my fear which walks onto the stage in the form of a younger friend (HM), who nibbles her nails as she go next to the first one. Her eyes dart this way and that. Next is my inability to concentrate, which comes on the stage represented by small child I use to babysit. He wanders this way and that, before finally going to his spot on the left. Now comes my anxiety, represented by an old coworker of mine (TP). She timidly walks to her spot, looking around to make sure she's in the right place. Last comes my need to escape into fantasy, personified by Buttercup of "The Princess Bride". She has a vapid expression on her face, as she goes to her spot.
As I look over these parts, a brightly shining woman comes onto center stage and smiles at me. She comes down and gets me, taking my hand in hers. "Come, my little one," she says. "Let us have a closer look at these parts of you." I feel my chest tighten and the tears welling up in my eyes as she brings me onto the stage. As we approach MN, she gives me a big smile. The glowing woman speaks, "This is a skill which gives you much confidence and satisfaction." I nod in agreement. We walk to DI and the woman says, "This part gives you great joy, but sometimes you forget to nurture yourself." We go on to DW. The glowing woman states, "This is your greatest weapon in battling the demons inside you. You should use it more often." W is next. "This is your second greatest weapon," I am told. Now, we stand in front of SB. "This, too, has helped you greatly in the past, but you need to act more."
Now we cross over to the other side of the stage. TK stand before us. "This part is trying to tell you that something is wrong. You have a sleep disorder, whether you are willing to face it or not." We go to HM. "This part you have shoved deep inside yourself too many times. You must deal with it before it destroys you. Then it will be able to look after your self-interest." We go to the child. "This part of you tries to keep you in touch with the world around you." We went onto TP. "This part of you has done much for you in the past. It keeps an eye out for potential problems. We must lessen the strain on it." We finally stand in front of Buttercup. "Some people have criticized this part of you, but it has given you the release you have needed to stay sane. It can be a crutch, that is true, but you haven't given it enough proper expression in the past. Used correctly, it can help you to heal the earliest hurts of your psyche."
A table is brought out onto the stage, and we all sit at it. The glowing woman sits at the head and addresses all of us. "We will now discuss Miranda's fear of standing up for herself." She nods towards MN. My programming skill clears her throat and speaks. "I know she is capable of doing this. In the past, she has faced her own managers to protect her corporate reputation. She has the skill to do this." My nurturing part nods and adds, "She sticks up for others. There is no reason why she can't do it for herself." My humor smiles. "Besides," she says, "think of the look of surprise on the faces of those who are trampling over you." My creativity adds, "It will allow you to express yourself freely." And SB says, "It will open more knowledge to you."
My fatigue sighs, "You could your energy more efficiently, if you asked for more help and stopped people from putting more responsibility on you." The glowing woman looks at my fear. "I don't know," she starts, "but it would give her a chance to get rid of some of the things that make her uneasy." The child looks up. "I think she can do it," he says. "There is a lot to see out there." My anxiety sighs, "Well, when she feels more in control, she is capable of doing a great deal, but what if she blows it and makes things worse?" "She would still being do more than she is now," points out my fatigue. "And she has friends who can help," says my nurturing part. We look towards Buttercup, who finally seems to take an interest in this discussion. "She will be able to achieve her dreams," she says. "She should imagine herself standing up for herself, until it becomes part of her. Then she can work on another dream."
The glowing woman looks at me. "How would you change each of these parts you wish to reject, to make it more a benefit to your life?" she asks. I look at TK and imagine her resting in shorter, more frequent periods. She seems a little less hopeless now. I look at HM and imagine her a bit wiser and louder, so that I can hear the warnings I need. I make the child less frustrated and he begins to relax and enjoy himself more. I make my anxiety take a deep breath and relax her muscles. She becomes a little less haggard. I team Buttercup with the child. Both seem happier with the pairing.
"Now, walk up to each part and let it melt into you," instructs the glowing being. I do as she says, and let each of my parts melt into me. I feel my body relax as each part enters me. I am now alone on the stage with only the shining being beside me.
"This theater is your life," she says. "Come here from time to time to review your many selves. As you learn to accept these parts, you will give your psyche balance, and release the power inside you to enjoy your life. I will always be here to help you."
I thank her for her wisdom and watch as she leaves the theater. I look around myself and vow to love myself more. I repeat this vow to myself as I walk out of that theater.
“Meeting My Inner Wise Person” is from The Mythic Path. It just uses the concepts of myths to examine our thinking and behaviors. It also encourages people to adjust the exercises to accommodate their own beliefs in deity. For instant, when the exercise asked me to "find" my inner wise person, the book used the term of "shaman" and then said that you could make this wise person anything you were comfortable with. Some people chose a type of spirit guide. Some use Christ. I sought out the spiritual part of me that I believe lived with God before I was born into this mortality.
I imagine
myself just inside my left ear. I climb
into my ear canal and come out of my Eustachian tube into my throat. I slide
down my esophagus into my stomach. It
glows red inside there as I wade through my stomach acid to a brown door in the
wall of my stomach.
I go through the door and shut it. There, in a tunnel, are steps going down. As I walk down these steps with irregular rises; a glow comes from me, illuminating a six-foot area in radius around me. I walk down these stairs for a long time until I come to a tablet, bathed in soft yellow light.
My personal commandments are on this tablet:
You must be nice.
You must help others.
You must be reasonable and considerate.
You must be thorough.
These are
beliefs I have rarely challenged; though I have fought the last one on several
occasions. I acknowledge these beliefs
for a moment and gather my courage. I
walk into the dark tunnel behind the tablet.
The glow is still with me. I
walk onto some ledge looking over a green valley bathed in a faint blue
light. This is the Valley of My Childhood. It is not painful for me to look upon it as
it once was. I have healed most of the
pain that occurred then. I feel very
much at peace, as I survey what I survived.
I walk
back towards the tunnel and take a path that goes off to the right of the ledge. It slopes gently downward into the
valley. Walking further, I find a
graveyard of simple tombstones. This is
My Graveyard of Lost Illusions. Here
lie the naive beliefs I once held:
You can make things better for everybody, if you just try
hard enough.
People will change their abusiveness if you give lots of
love.
The people you love will treat you with the same amount of
respect you treat them with.
You can make others see reason.
I
acknowledge these lost beliefs and turn to walk further down the valley into
another tunnel. I do not glow in this
tunnel - there is no need for me to.
The blue light from the valley is behind me and a white light shines
from the opening before me.
I walk
out of the tunnel into a large forest, where the leaves are high above me and
light flows over them like water. It
splashes and flows over me too, as I step into the forest. There are two trees bent into an archway
before me, with a curtain of light flowing between them. I part the light with my hands and walk
through.
There
stands a beautiful woman waiting for me.
There is joy in her sparkling gray eyes as she smiles at me. She is dressed completely in white and her
hair is the color of a jar of clover honey when sunlight shines through
it. I realize that she is the purified
version of me - the me God knows and loves.
Before I can say a word, she runs up to me and hugs me tightly, as if
she has no intention of letting me go.
When she finally does pull back, there are tears in both of our eyes and
she hugs me again. This time, she
kisses my forehead and steps back.
I stutter
a "thank you" and she squeezes my hand and kisses my cheek. Then she waits for me to ask my question.
"What
belief do I have that is causing me the most harm right now?"
She tries
to tell me, but for some reason I cannot hear the last word. She tries a few more times and I realize
that I am blocking it out. Finally, she
holds my chin and looks me in the eye.
"The
belief that you are not worthy of protection."
I nod and
reply, "But I'm not very good at protecting myself."
She
smiles brightly. "No one said you
had to do it yourself. You can let
others help."
I thank
her and ask her what I needed to do to visit her again. Suddenly, I hear the soft chords of The Blue Danube Waltz.
"Hum
this and imagine butterflies flying through the liquid light and I will be
there."
I hug her
and thank her again. She tells me,
"We are one," and wishes me well.
I go back
through the curtain of light and through the forest with its waterfalls of
liquid light. I walk through the level
tunnel and past the graveyard. I skirt
the Valley of My Childhood and enter back into the main tunnel, where I begin
to glow again. I pass my tablet of
commandments and climb up the stairs.
Finally, I reach the door and enter my stomach again. I jump up and pull myself back into my
esophagus and continue until I climb out of my ear and onto my left shoulder.
The Mythic Path uses the concept of
personal mythology to examine one’s belief systems. We all have a main belief system and when that fails, we create a
counter-belief system that opposes it.
The idea is to create a new belief system, which takes into the best
parts of the old myth and the counter-myth.
The following is an attempt to reconcile my old myth – I must take care of others – and my
counter-myth – I must take care of
myself.
A
Resolution Fantasy
My old myth appears in my right hand as a potted sunflower. She is root-bound and starving. My counter-myth appears in my left hand as a shiny sword. As my resolution play begins, the sunflower is swinging the sword around in an act of defense.
The sunflower looks down at the pot and with a mighty swing of the sword, shatters it. But now the roots are exposed and the sunflower is in great peril. The sword changes into a shovel, which the sunflower uses to dig a hole to plant herself into the fertile farmland around her. After the sunflower packs down the soil around her roots, the shovel turns back into a sword and the sunflower holds it - ready to defend herself from danger.
A raccoon lumbers towards the sunflower. The sunflower knows the ways of raccoons - he will destroy her and take all her seeds, if she lets him. So, she fights him and drives him away with the sword.
Next, two little rabbits hop up. They look up at her in hunger. The sunflower shakes her head and lets
enough fall to feed them. With her
roots now in fertile soil, she can now grow more seeds of a higher quality to
feed others with.
In Seeking Confirmation from the "Powers That Be", I present my new belief system to my God. I re-enter the ancient forest filled with liquid light and go back through the curtain of light. My inner wise person rejoices to see me visit her here. She leads me to a curtain of leaves and parts it to reveal a glowing white stairway, floating in space.
We climb the stairway past the stars and nebulas until we enter a region made of light. My inner wise person leads me to a door and we enter a room with God sitting at the other end. His smile is full of love and joy.
I give him my first version of the motto of my new myth: "Everything deserves respect, even me." Then I ask if this myth calls to the best and highest in me.
"No," He says. "I gave you that modification last night." I squirm in embarrassment, because He had. He restates it to me: "Everything deserves respect and an opportunity to develop itself to its fullest potential, especially you."
I nod as I commit this to memory.
"You should try to accept my words the first time I give them to you," He continues, very softly and with great affection. "They are not figments. You do not need to have everything confirmed several times. I know that there are others who question your actions constantly, but you will notice that these people make a lot of poor choices. They question your actions because they don't understand the thought and consideration you do beforehand and your solutions surprise them. Do not let them paralyze you. If they spent as much time questioning they own actions as they do yours, they would be much better off."
I feel a wave of grief as I listen to Him. What he says is true and it has hurt me greatly in the past to have to explain my actions to people who use their own foolishness as an excuse to treat me like a brainless idiot.
"Come here," He says.
I walk up to Him and He tells me to sit in His lap. I burst into tears as He puts His arms around me. "You are a good person," He tells me, "and I am proud of you. Now, ask me your other questions."
I take a deep breath. "Is my myth built on grandiosity?"
He laughs. "Most definitely not."
"Does my myth lack in ambition?"
"The first version did, but the revision I gave you does not."
"Is my myth limited by my fears?"
"No."
"Will my new myth cause difficulties I haven't yet anticipated?"
"None."
"Is it reasonable for me to implement this myth in my life at this time?'
"It is the best time for it."
"Should any adjustments be made before I begin to shift my life into the image of this new myth?"
"Keep your heart open and I will lead you through any changes you will need to make."
I give God a hug back and thank Him. He kisses the top of my head and sets me back on the ground. My inner wise person takes my hand and leads me back to her place.
"Why do I feel so sad?" I ask her.
"Because you feel that you have failed God by not listening better, but you haven't, you know. He is very proud of you. He just doesn't want you to waste your energy trying to make sure you are doing the right thing. Trust your instincts."
"What do you think of my new motto?"
"I think it is wonderful. With your sub-motto: 'Life is a balancing act', you will go far."
"Is there anything else you need to tell me?"
"I love you."
We hug and she disappears. Now that I have received my confirmation, it
is time for me to summarize my new myth:
My New Myth Statement
Everything deserves respect and an opportunity to develop itself to its fullest potential. This can be achieved most effectively when the forces of our lives are in balance. Imbalance causes stress and a system in stress must compensate for that stress. This is the way of nature, whether it occurs in an ecosystem or a test tube or someone's life. My body and mind are ecosystems in themselves and need to be kept in balance. This balance is not a steady state, but a fluid, living thing that requires adjustments from time to time.
Between recognizing my old beliefs and creating a new belief system, there were several other exercises. One was creating a fairy tale for myself and a sequel several years down the line.
My Fairy Tale
There was a little girl who lived in a crystal palace, where everything was bright and clear. The wind made pretty sounds as it played in the halls. The wind called the little girl "Marcy" and the little girl called the wind "Dan".
One day, Marcy went into a cave to get some cookies she helped the troll put in a cookie jar there. The lid of the jar was very heavy and it slipped out of her hand and broke in two. The sound woke the troll. Enraged, the troll knocked Marcy to the ground and jumped on her.
Marcy was very scared and did her best not to make the troll angry, but the troll was always angry. So, Marcy stopped living in the crystal palace and stayed in the cave all the time, working hard to make the troll happy.
The days went by and Marcy became weak and pale. She did everything she could think of to make the troll happy, but nothing worked. Marcy began to realize that she was dying inside.
Then one day, a sunbeam came inside the cave to find Marcy. Marcy looked at the sunbeam with tears in her eyes, for she no longer had the strength to play with him. But the sunbeam wouldn't go away. It begged her to follow him. Marcy didn't want to go - she was afraid to leave the troll. The sunbeam tickled her nose and made her smile. Marcy began to feel stronger, but she still was very weak.
The sunbeam played little games with Marcy to make her smile. The more Marcy smiled, the stronger she became. Soon, Marcy began to stand up straight and walk around. This scared the troll and it tried to make her weak again, but the sunbeam warmed her heart and kept her strong.
Stronger now, Marcy saw that living in the cave with the troll was killing her. She needed more than just the sunbeam to stay alive. So, she snuck out of the cave with the sunbeam while the troll was asleep.
Outside of the cave, the sunbeam was join by several other sunbeams that had missed Marcy a great deal. The sunbeams hugged Marcy and dragged her away from the cave, before the troll could stop her from leaving.
The sunbeams took Marcy to a golden stairway and told her to climb it. As she climbed, she felt hungry. Dan, the wind, blew a basket of food to her and told to eat. Marcy ate the food and her body began to heal itself.
Marcy climbed higher up the golden stairway, before she hurt her foot. The sunbeams made her sit down and bandaged her foot. Marcy didn't want to sit still, but the sunbeams insisted.
Once her foot was better, Marcy started climbing again. She climbed quickly because she wanted to make up the time she lost while waiting for her foot to heal. She pushed herself to exhaustion and slipped off the golden stairway.
The clouds caught Marcy and gently scolded her for her foolishness. They told her to go to sleep and let her body rejuvenate itself. Marcy curled up on top of the clouds and went to sleep.
When Marcy woke up, the clouds took her back to the stairway and she started climbing again. Dan told her that it didn't matter when she made it to the top, as long as she kept climbing.
Marcy listened to Dan. She made sure she ate when she was hungry and slept when she was tired. She grew stronger and felt happier.
One day, Marcy found a lost kitten. She carried the kitten as she climbed. She gave the kitten most of her food, but there was not enough for both of them and soon Marcy was weak. A seagull landed on the stairway in front of her, blocking her path.
"Why do you feed the kitten so much, when you are the one climbing?" it asked.
"Because the kitten was hungry," Marcy answered.
"But you need the food more. The kitten is too small to make it without you. If you starve yourself, you cannot help the kitten."
"Won't the kitten starve?" Marcy asked.
"No, because you will be able to find more food if you are stronger."
Marcy thought about it and realized that the seagull was right. She began to eat more and became strong enough to find food for herself and the kitten.
When Marcy reaches the top of the golden staircase, she was surprised to find herself in front of the cave again. The troll is in the entrance, yelling at her to take care of it.
"No," she says, "for I see now that by doing everything for you, I have made you too weak to face the sun and without the sun, you will become sick and die."
"I don't need the sun," harrumphed the troll. "You are suppose to take care of me and make me happy."
"I cannot make you happy. Only you can make yourself happy. Only you can make yourself well again."
"But I will be all alone!"
"If you behave yourself, I will visit and make cookies with you. But I belong in the crystal palace with my kitten. I cannot live in the cave with you."
With that, Marcy went back to the crystal palace and went about putting it back in order. Dan blew out all the trash that had settled in it and the kitten helped Marcy to polish everything. The Marcy decided to decorate the palace with plants.
Several months later, the troll came to the crystal palace for a visit. It was amazed at how beautiful everything looked. Marcy invited the troll to dinner. Though dinner went relatively well, the troll was still inconsiderate and coarse. After dinner, the troll asked if it could live with Marcy in her palace.
"No," Marcy said. "This is my palace and although you are welcome to visit, you cannot live here with me. If you wish, I can give you some cuttings from some of my plants and you can grow them in your cave. Just make sure they get enough water and sunshine and your cave can be beautiful on its own."
The troll was not happy, but it left because it knew that Marcy would never take care of it again. Marcy, Dan, the kitten, the sunbeams, and the clouds lived happily and the troll found someone else to take care of it.
Marcy walks through her crystal palace surrounded by lush plants. The kitten is now the size of a lion. He is strong and kind. Marcy sings with Dan, the wind, as she cares for her little kingdom. The sunbeams and clouds visit her frequently.
One day, Dan asks Marcy to go on a picnic with him. Marcy follows Dan to a small lake with a waterfall.
"This is beautiful," Marcy says.
"Thank you," Dan says. "I worked a long time to create it."
"You made this? Dan, you are amazing! I'm surprised you had any time to spend inspiring me."
"Inspiration works both ways," he says.
Marcy smiles. "Well, I hope I have been as inspiring to you as you have been to me."
"More than you realize."
Marcy sets out everything for the picnic, sits down, and sighs.
"I wish you could join me, Dan. I feel rude eating in front of you, even if you are only moving air."
Dan blows Marcy's hair. "Come to the lake," he says.
"I need your help, Marcy," he continues. "I have created this lake so I can take human-form and walk among mankind."
"Dan," answers Marcy, "you have helped me when I needed it. I would be honored to help you with this."
"Then, please scoop up some lake mud and place it on the flat rock near the waterfall, so I can shape it."
Marcy gives the potato salad to a friendly bear and uses the bowl to scoop out the mud. The bear decides to help Marcy and soon they have a man-sized pile of mud on the rock. Dan blows the mud into shape. When the mud becomes too dry to work with, Marcy and the bear splash water from the waterfall on it.
When Dan has the mud into the shape he wants, he calls to the sunbeams. "I am about to enter this form," he says. "When I do, I want you to bake this mud for me."
Dan enters the mud-form and the sunbeams help him to transform it into flesh. While they are busy, Marcy retrieves the picnic blanket and gives it to some other sunbeams, which make it into some clothes for Dan. When they are done, Dan, the human, steps off the rock and walks over to Marcy.
"What do you think?" he asks her.
"You look wonderful!"
Dan blushes. He and Marcy have a wonderful afternoon. As the sun begins to set, Dan becomes concerned.
"I am human and now I have no protection from the elements. May I live with you until I can create a home of my own?"
"Dan," Marcy says, "you have lived in the crystal palace as long as I have. It is your home too, and I would be lonely without you."
So, Dan and Marcy go back to the crystal palace and live happily in an atmosphere conducive to love and growth.