I sat down across the psychologist that work for my church’s social services, knowing deep in my heart that I had progressed beyond the scope of normal therapy. I had recently been laid off because my former job could not keep me busy enough. After eight years of being a full-time mother, my technical skills and computer knowledge were still pretty sharp because of my hobbies, but I didn’t know how to get a perspective employer to see that. In short, I was under-employing myself.
I was referred to someone who supposedly specialized in helping displaced homemakers re-enter the work place. When she heard that I was going through a divorce and that I had been under-employing myself, she stopped listening and insisted that she would not work with me unless I went into therapy. I protested and explained that I had already been in therapy and was quite aware what it could and couldn't do for me. I just needed to know how I could get myself in a job I would be happy in, without being a threat to my coworkers. But she had made up her mind. I sat through her little employment meeting and realized that no one else there was a single parent, much less a displaced homemaker. When I explained that my future attendance to these meetings were dependent on my finding a babysitter, they looked at me as if I was from another planet.
I was disappointed, but I had to work with the cards I was dealt, so I talked to my church and set up an appointment with a counselor to discuss the possibility that I may be suffering from depression again. I really didn’t mind too much. I like therapists. All the ones I have dealt with were very nice people. I felt like a fraud being there, though. He asked me why I was there and we discussed some of my employment problems and then my ongoing divorce and the failed three months of marriage counseling. I explained the problem of trying to get my lawyer to understand that it didn’t matter what we gave in own, my soon-to-be ex-husband would not be happy. In fact, I had a hard time getting anyone who didn’t personally know my ex-husband to understand that I wasn’t being bitter when I said his main goal was to punish me for leaving.
The therapist nodded. Then he began to list off all these things that other people had probably said to me: “Oh, he couldn’t be that bad.” “You’re over-reacting.” “You need to be understanding.” “But he seems like such a nice guy. Why would you think him capable of such terrible things?” And so forth.
I sat there stunned.
“That is what other people are saying to you, isn’t it?” he asked.
I told him yes.
“The problem
is,” he told me, “that you did not have a normal marriage. There is no way you could possibly explain
your marriage to lay person in five minutes.”
Then he pulled out a book from the bookcase behind him and said, “Does this sound like your husband? Has a grandiose sense of self-importance - in other words, exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements?”
I thought for a moment. “Yes, I would have to say he does.”
“Is he preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love?”
“Well,” I said, “maybe.”
“Believes that he is special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people?”
“Oh, most definitely!”
He read on. “Requires excessive admiration?”
I nodded. “Yes, that definitely true.”
“Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations?”
“Yes.”
“Is interpersonally exploitative - takes advantage of others to achieve his own ends?”
“I’m not sure. I guess so,” I said with a quiver in my voice. At the time, I wasn’t really sure what the therapist meant by that. I had never given the matter any thought before.
“Lacks empathy - is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others?”
“Yes. Without a doubt.”
“Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes?”
“He does like to think that everyone is envious of him,” I said.
“Miranda, what I just read to you is the diagnostic criteria for a personality disorder. There is no way a personality disorder can be cured by medical science. The only way a person can get over a personality disorder is if they wake up one day and say to themselves, ‘Hey, maybe it’s not everyone else’s fault. Maybe I’m the problem.’ You said your ex-husband and your mother are a great deal alike, correct?”
“Yes, they are,” I admitted.
“Then you were raised by someone
with a personality disorder. That makes
you very susceptible to them. I’m going
to give you a rule of thumb to go by, so you will have a better chance of
spotting and avoiding another one. A
regular person when they seek therapy says, ‘Can you help me? I have had this
happen to me and I want to be able to know what I need to do to get over it and get on with my life.’ However, someone with a personality disorder
says, ‘Everybody else in this world is a total anus! How can I make them get their act together and do what
they're suppose to?’ You need to
remember this. You need to make sure
you do not get involved with another personality disorder, if possible. Not just for yourself, but for your children
too.”
“All right.”
“You’ll also need to keep an eye out for any signs that he may be abusing the children. Hopefully, he’ll lose interest in them with time.”
“So, do I need therapy?” I asked.
“No,” he told me. “What you need is encouragement, a job and to minimize as much contact with your estranged husband as possible. If you need someone just to talk to, you are more than welcome to come back in three weeks, but you don’t need therapy. You already know everything I could tell you in that regard.”
I left that office both relieved and troubled. Relieved that I wasn’t being just stubborn when I thought I didn’t need therapy. Troubled because I still had no idea how to explain to people what I was actually dealing with.
Weeks later, I was still struggling with this problem to the point of insomnia. In an effort to understand myself better, I had joined a mailing list. Soon after I joined, I posted a 3 a.m. plea:
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While I was lying in bed, trying to fall asleep, it occurred to me that maybe someone on here could help me with something. I need a good reference on personality DISORDERS. A lot of the frustration I have been having in the past year has been trying to explain the actions of my soon to be ex to other people. Especially my own lawyer, who is actually my second lawyer, since my first one decided to have a lapse in professional behavior. I had told him over and over again that my husband would do what he could to make this process last as long as he could. I told him that my husband took passive-aggressiveness to new heights. But my lawyer believed that he wouldn't have any problems coming up with an agreement that my husband would sign - especially since I wasn't making any real demands and what we did send him was more than fair. I tried to tell my lawyer for months that it didn't matter what we gave in on, it would not be acceptable, but he just told me in a slightly amused voice not to worry. Well, finally my husband's lawyer broke down and told mine that his client was completely insane. I could tell that my lawyer still couldn't grasp what we were working with and had to tell him what a therapist had just told me a few days before - that my husband has a personality disorder and that what I needed was to stay away from him. I had only gone to the therapist because I had been trying to deal with someone who worked with helping displaced homemakers get back into the career world. She, in her lack of understanding, decided that I needed to see a therapist and would not believe me when I told her that I had already gone through enough therapy and had learned those skills I needed. The therapist said the same thing - my problems were not something that could be fixed by counseling. He went on to tell me bluntly what my previous therapist and the marriage counselor had tried to hint to me long ago - my husband has a serious personality disorder and is basically trying to destroy me. Try explaining that to someone within five minutes. They think you're nuts. My original therapist actually had me drag my husband into one of my sessions early on and explained to him that one of his seemingly "logical" notions would actually be the end of me and that if he persisted, he would be guilty of causing his wife's death. I won't go into details, but I had been trying to gently talk him out of it. Our marriage counselor ended our sessions because my husband refused to admit that he was responsible for any part of our problems. I left nine months after that. But now I need to be able to explain something that I have a hard time understanding myself – why. My lawyer is mystified. My husband won't even tell his own lawyer what he disagrees with on the divorce settlement. My lawyer finally asked me what problem my husband had with it. I told him I didn't know. I'd had been trying to explain for months that my husband didn't like things being "taken" from him - especially money. I tried to tell my lawyer that my husband only wanted to punish me and make sure that I never dreamed of crossing him again. He's a quiet guy and likes to portray himself as easy going. If everything I've tried to tell my lawyer hasn't made him understand, I didn't know what else would. Between my husband's lawyer's comments, a taped voice mail, and the fact he lied about the bank foreclosing on the house, it is finally starting to sink into my lawyer's head that my husband may be dangerous. And frankly, not even I can predict him anymore, though I can still forecast his overall behavior, and I'm afraid of what he'll do next. I think that I might feel better if I understood which personality disorder my husband actually has. The professionals won't tell me exactly because they don't like making specific diagnosis without directly testing the person. I understand that, but I need something more concrete than "You need to have as little contact with him as possible and try to give in on things just enough to make him lose interest in the game and fade out of you and your children's lives. And whatever you do, keep an eye out for signs of him abusing the kids." Hardly helps my depression and anxiety. I almost become nonfunctional with worry when the kids are with him, but I can't do a damn thing until I have concrete proof and if I had concrete proof, I would have reported him years ago. It's a good thing that I was able to keep him from being too physically abusive. I grew up with a parent like that and knew just how to interfere in such situations for the sake of my younger siblings. As a matter of fact, I was so successful at it that he accused me in the temporary hearing of not letting him discipline the children and one school counselor thought I had just taken leave of my senses when I left, because my children hadn't shown a lot of the major signs of coming from an abusive home - with the exception that my son hated his father. Of course, all the other professionals that had interviewed us quickly figured out that I had ran interference. At least I have the satisfaction of knowing that I can prove I have well-behaved children in a court of law. I also made his lawyer look pretty stupid. As my first lawyer put it, between his cluelessness, my husband's unreasonableness, and my preparedness, her job in the courtroom was a piece of cake. Anyway, I'm going to
try and get at least a few hours of sleep before I have to get up this
morning. I'm sorry to present so many
problems, but I figured that y'all might actually be able to help me come up
with a real plan of action, instead of this "wait and see" crap. I
have almost always had some sort of contingency plan and I feel lost with out
one now. |
To my relief, the owner of the list knew a great deal about personality disorders and posted the DSM-IV definitions of the different personality disorders, along with several website addresses for the Narcissistic Personality Disorder, including the works of Dr. Sam Vaknin, writer and self-professed Narcissist. I was rather surprised at her certainty, until I read the criteria of that disorder. It was the very thing the therapist had read to me on that day.
When I began to research the disorder more thoroughly, I made a chilling discovery – I knew more than just two people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I practically collected them. Almost all of the long-term abusive relationships I had been in, had been with a narcissist. I was a Narcissistic Enabler and only I could change that.