An Internet friend and I created this list of chicken jokes based on personality disorders:
· If the chicken crosses the road back and forth, repeatedly, while worrying about being hit to the point until it forgets which side it started on in the first place, it has Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder.
· If the chicken crosses the road in traffic because "they" are coming after it and "they" control the traffic lights - oh, and the cars are part of the plot to kill it too - then it has Paranoid Personality Disorder.
· If the chicken crosses the road against the light and then takes a baseball bat to every car that passes it, then it has Antisocial Personality Disorder.
· If the chicken crosses the road because it thinks all the other chickens are talking about its feathers and therefore its feathers must be ugly and it must hide from everyone, it has Avoidant Personality Disorder.
·
If the chicken crosses the road so it can cause a huge
melodramatic scene and get everyone's attention, it has Histrionic Personality
Disorder.
· If the chicken is furious that he is abandoned to make the decision concerning when to cross the road alone and spends his day roaming back and forth manipulating other chickens into crossing when he tells them, the chicken is Borderline.
·
If the chicken will not cross the road because there
are other chickens across the street and stands there daydreaming about a
glorious road in his imagination, he is Schizoid.
·
If the chicken crosses the road and expects a marching
band, reporters and hoards of adoring fans to be there to celebrate this
achievement, it has Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
What is a personality disorder?
The official definition says: An enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from the expectation of the individual's culture, is pervasive and inflexible, has an onset in adolescence or early adulthood, is stable over time, and leads to distress or impairment. [From Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th edition, 1994, commonly referred to as DSM-IV, of the American Psychiatric Association. European countries use the diagnostic criteria of the World Health Organization.]
Someone with a personality disorder accepts no responsibility for the problem or their own actions and believes the solution lies in forcing others to do what they think is necessary. Personality disorders are incurable by normal medical and psychiatric means. The only hope is that the person suddenly looks around and says, "Maybe I need to change some of my own behaviors." But the instances of that actually happening are very rare and usually require a major crisis in the narcissist’s life.
So, what exactly is a Narcissistic Personality Disorder? A good place to start is with the myth it takes its name from. To quote Sam Vaknin, author of Malignant Self-Love:
The
legend of Narcissus is an asset of Western civilization. This Greek boy fell in love with his own
reflection in a pond. Presumably, this amply sums up the nature of his
namesakes: "Narcissists". The
mythological Narcissus was punished by the nymph Echo. How apt.
Narcissists are punished by echoes and reflections of their problematic
personalities up to this very day. They
are said to be in love with themselves.
But
this is a fallacy. Narcissus is not in
love with HIMSELF. He is in love with
his REFLECTION.
There
is bound to be a major difference between "true" self and
reflected-self.
Loving
your true self sounds like a healthy, adaptive and functional quality - and,
indeed, it is.
Loving
your reflection has two major drawbacks: one is the dependence on the very
existence and availability of a reflection to produce the emotion of self-love.
The other is the absence of a "compass", an "objective and realistic yardstick", by which to judge the authenticity of the reflection and to measure its isomorphic attributes. In other words, it is impossible to tell whether the reflection is true to reality - and, if so, to what extent.
[Taken from http://share.geocities.com/Athens/Forum/6297/msla.html]
Narcissists almost always have some area of talent, of expertise, that they do actually excel at. The problem is that they become addicted to the praise and worship and then seek it in every aspect in their life. They are very much like drug addicts. Old sources of praise sooner or later are not enough and new ones are constantly sought for. Once a Narcissist knows you are theirs, they have no other interest in you as a person. You become an object - a tool - a prize to dust off and occasionally show to others. And they are very possessive of their possessions. They want people to be envious of them, to grind their teeth at the knowledge that this precious thing belonging to the Narcissist can never be theirs.
One of the major misconceptions of a Narcissistic Personality Disorder is that they are vain and always put their own needs first. Not so. They put their image first. Image is indeed everything with them. Narcissists actually have very low self-esteems, which is why they are constantly trying to win the esteem of others. They will constantly neglect their real needs (often citing it as a sacrifice that people should admire them for) to feed the image. They will endanger their own health for their image. Don did many risky things to gain the admiration of others, while neglecting the needs of his own body and his family. I use to call them “stupid sacrifices” back then, because many of them were unnecessary and avoidable.
Narcissists love to regale you with their suffering. There is nobility in suffering and nobility is something people admire. Many of them are careful to slip these tales into the conversation in such a way that they don’t look like they are trying to get sympathy, because that would tarnish the nobleness of their image. But be assured - no one is allowed to be more noble than the narcissist, therefore no one is allowed to suffer more than them. Tell them you can’t eat because you have a toothache and they will immediately tell you how horrible their mouth is hurting as they munch on nuts. You cannot be sicker than them or in more pain, nor can you be stronger or in better shape than them. Don showed this dichotomy to the point of ridiculousness. My mother leans more to the poor health end and another Narcissist I know leans more to the super-healthy end. Still, that didn’t stop him from saying that he was certain he had suffered more than anyone he knew. I honestly cannot think of a single Narcissistic Personality Disorder I have known in person, who hasn’t uttered this statement.
They believe this so much that they will identify with the victim of any tale. Occasionally, I indulge in a very underhanded activity with narcissists, especially with my mother. I tell her about the horrible trials someone I know is going through, in which the antagonist acts an awfully lot like her. I act very indignant when I do it, too, and stick to the truth to reduce the chance of slipping up. Mom will almost always side with the victim and go into how she had suffered the very same thing – only worse – while I fight to keep a straight face. Every once in awhile, she catches on and then it is even funnier to hear her do a reversal and try to justify why it’s okay for her to act that way and not someone else. I really don’t know if I can justify this evil activity, so I try not to give into the temptation too often. Besides, I’m sure that one of these days it will backfire on me horribly.
Now, in the narcissist’s defense, many of them have had terrible childhoods. Most of them have been raised by narcissists themselves. Where do you think they learned their behavior? They treat other people as non-entities because that is how they really see themselves. That’s what their parents told them they more or less were. They are like buckets with holes in them. They hate feeling empty, just like the rest of us, so they devote their energies to getting attention from others through their reflected image, but it’s never enough, because it just leaks out of the holes. What’s more, you cannot fill them. No matter how much love you give them, they will never feel full until they close those holes in their self-esteem. Unfortunately, they choose to spend their time maintaining their image instead of their emotional health.
Sam Vaknin goes into great detail on the making of a Narcissistic Personality Disorder in his works. He describes how narcissists see themselves and those around them. If you want to crawl into a narcissist’s head, then you should really consider reading his stuff.
But what of the Narcissist Enabler? Why would anyone want to hook up to such a high-maintenance, egocentric person?
Well, like other enablers, they were more than likely raised by someone with the same disorder. The narcissist plays by rules the narcissistic enabler is already familiar with. The enabler has spent so much of their life trying to second guess what is expected of them, that relationships with different ground rules make them nervous because they are not sure how to act – even if it is a healthy relationship. It is easier to deal with the devil they know, than the one they don’t. This can be overcome though with effort and dedication on the enabler’s part.
Another thing is that narcissists are experts at looking admirable. They are bullshit artists extrordinaire. I actually find myself feeling quite annoyed when someone tries to lie to me without putting some thought and effort behind it. I am so use to the high quality lying that clumsy attempts offend me to an almost irrational degree.
Finally, narcissists do know exactly how to stroke an ego when they feel it is necessary. If anything subverts this talent, it is their tendency to go to extremes. This is what keeps most people at arm’s length from a narcissist. Though many of them don’t see the narcissist are they truly are, the extremeness makes them uneasy and they usually stay back emotionally. Someone raised by another narcissist, however, is not fazed by the extremes, thinking them normal. This adds to their attraction in the narcissist’s mind. They don’t back off and they react in ways the narcissist expects.
I use to consider co-dependency and enabling the same thing, but now as I consider the two, I personally see them as over-lapping concepts. A co-dependent person seeks someone to make them feel needed. An enabler allows and/or supports inappropriate behavior. A person can enable, without being co-dependent.
What changed my opinion on this matter? Well, after I left Don, I found that there were Narcissists still attracted to me, even though I was not interested in any sort of relationship with them. I couldn’t figure it out. What message was I sending that these people were responding to?
I asked a few people about this. Most of them told me that they had no idea, for as near as they could tell, I wasn’t giving any impression that I was really interested in these people. But the woman who gave me the information on Narcissistic Personalities in the first place had a theory of her own.
According to her, I have an “intensity of focus”, which she believes is irresistible to most narcissists. Basically, when I pay attention to something, I usually give it my complete attention. When I gave it some thought, I realized that I am like a magnifying glass with sunlight. I concentrate things and then put all my energy behind it. This is why I often avoid looking people straight in the eyes - I tend to make them nervous. A well-meaning mentor in college tried to get me to make more eye contact, on the basis that it would make me seem more open and friendly, but after trying it for a few weeks, I remembered why I had stopped doing it in the first place. People squirmed when I looked them straight in the eyes. They stuttered and made excuses to be elsewhere.
This intensity of focus probably also explains why there are people who overreact to some of the things I say and read more into them than I ever intended. Because I will state my beliefs firmly and strongly, some people think I am vehemently against certain things, when I honestly couldn’t care less what they do with their own lives as long as they don’t make it part of mine. I have to point out frequently that I don’t expect others to have the same beliefs I do. Some of my dearest friends have beliefs that I totally disagree with and it doesn’t bother me in the least. But because of how definitely I present my opinions, I can give the impression of being inflexible. Inflexibility is something many of the narcissists I know admire. They just give it different names.
I called myself a magnifying glass earlier, perhaps in error. To a narcissist I am a parabolic mirror. I am very good at picking up on their desired image and unless I stop myself, I reflect it back to them in a stronger reflection without a second thought. It is almost a reflex, one I have been trying very hard to overcome. It is possible that I will never be able to overcome my overall intensity, but I have found that I can control the feedback I give with some practice.
My most important tool in keeping out of narcissistic relationships is tending to my own well being. Outside of the ones I am related to, all the Narcissists I have let into my life, I had done during periods of extreme emotional, mental and physical stress.
I became involved with four of these people during the past decade or so when I have been showing suicidal tendencies. Six months before I began to date Don; I came very close to killing myself. I was doing my dishes and something inside said, "I wonder what it would feel like if I stabbed myself with this knife?" I shook it off, but for a few more weeks, that thought kept returning. I told myself it was morbid curiosity, until the day I heard myself ask mentally, "Why don't you put your hand down the garbage disposal?"
Now, that got my attention because when I was twelve I had reached into our garbage disposal without thinking, while it was still running, to retrieve a washrag. I knew then that it wasn't curiosity, because I knew exactly how that felt – even though I only received minor cuts then. I began to do meditation exercises to relax and release some of the stress I was under. And I made sure my knives were never out for long.
When I met another narcissist, whom I like to refer to as “the tyrant woman”, I knew I was suicidal and was keeping my knives out of sight again, because the base Don was working at was closing. He just didn't seem to want to do any serious job hunting and I thought her suggestion to join her group was just what I needed to keep me sane.
A former “friend” came along while I was trying my best to save my marriage and desperately needed to feel special. He disappeared when I finally told him I felt suicidal.
Another narcissist I would rather not talk about, latched on to me when I was definitely stressed out and to be honest, I actually thought he was a psychopath and told him so. I was insane by my own standards back then and I knew it. My children were out of town for the holidays and I missed them so bad that it ate away at me. The only thing that kept me in the world of the living was the knowledge that if I did die, they would be in the care of their father and I couldn't do that to them.
I have a weakness for Narcissistic Personality Disorders. Therefore, it became imperative for me to be able to identify them. So, how does a lay person identify a Narcissist without getting closely involved with them? I wanted more than just the rule of thumb given to me by that one therapist.
Joanna Ashmun has a good article dealing with this very issue. I found it at www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/index.html. In summary, with my own thoughts added:
· Narcissists often have gaps in their recollections and reasoning, which they fill with “bits of behavior, ideas, tastes, opinions, etc., borrowed from someone else whom they regard as an authority”. Their authoritative sources are almost never from a book, but people they actually know, who may not even be recognized by you or anyone else as being knowledgeable in that area.
To quote my mother: "What someone tells you is more important than what some paper says." This is something she actually said directly to me.
Don always scoffed that my "book knowledge" was not based on real life. I once pointed out that my book knowledge came from real life and then proved my point with one of his own tech manual tables that he used frequently in his own job and therefore had validity because he had proved it to himself. But then, perhaps someone he knew personally swore by the tech manuals, because he never really considered any other book accurate.
I think narcissists dislike book knowledge because it won’t change when they want it to and no amount of fast talk will make it change. Most of the ones I know do like reading because it helps them to sound important. I have noticed one trend amongst all of them - when I start asking for references so I can look things up, they will tell me at first, but will get very vague or will change the subject after they realize that I will actually go and look it up. For almost six months now, my mother has been “quoting” from a certain book about new age religions and every time I have asked her to identify the book, she won’t even give me the title.
· They have static fantasy image of themselves, which this produces an odd kind of stillness and passivity.
Yes, this is Don. He resists change with a vengeance. He even prides himself on being unchangeable. I’m surprised he even converted to a different religion in his twenties, but not surprised that he reverted to several of the same behaviors he had before he converted after being inactive for a few years. I believe that though the signs may be there, that not every potential narcissist becomes one. I have no scientific proof; this is just what I believe.
My mother’s image of herself has changed a little over the years - very little though. She's very obsessed with people thinking she's "normal" and has managed to perfect her test taking skills to the point that she comes up with on the dot average scores across the board on aptitudes tests. She didn't appreciate me telling her that not having a preference in anything was not normal.
The tyrant woman also resisted changes to her behavior. She actually had two sets of behaviors. One she used when she was trying to win people over and one set she used once she thought she had their complete loyalty. She always talked about her popularity going in cycles, never realizing that the cycles were driven by her own actions.
· They expect others to look after day-to-day chores, they resent wasting their specialness on common things, they don't put their heart into their work (though they'll tell you how many hours they put into it), they borrow their opinions and preferences and tastes from whomever strikes them as authoritative at the moment.
Give you two guesses who did most of the housework while I was growing up and the first one doesn't count. Another direct quote: "With five children, there is no excuse for my house to be dirty!"
As for my husband, he "couldn't" take the trash out or help with other household chores, because he was too tired from work or from working on remodeling projects, which he often use to amaze friends and family with.
· They seem not to make typical memory associations -- i.e., in the way one thing leads to another, "That reminds me of something that happened when I was...of something I read...of something somebody said...." They don't tell how they learned something about themselves or the world. They don't share their thoughts or feelings or dreams.
My mother recounts "dreams" all the time, but they're always things she believes is prophetic and uses them to try and get us to do what she wants. However, she also recounts things that she had heard, read, or "experienced".
Don won't go into associations unless pressed and sometimes not even then. Whenever asked directly if he's upset, he'll usually deny feeling anything, even though he just snapped at someone. He will never venture anything about his motivations. Sometimes I think they actually don’t know how they know these things – they just react.
· They often say that they don't remember things from the past, such as childhood events, their schooldays or old friends, and it seems to me that they really don't most of the time.
What few childhood memories
narcissists have shared with me have always been extreme ones. No “I remember just sitting beside the
stream and watching my fishing bob dance” or “When we were kids, we use to got
to the corner store and get bubble gum every Saturday.” They are always isolated incidences in which
the narcissist is either being praised or (more likely than not) facing some
sort of danger.
· Narcissist tend to have self-obsessed tunnel vision spiraling into nihilism.
Tunnel vision may be one of the easiest signs to pick out in a narcissist. The nihilism part is a little harder to pick up on in most of the ones I know. Probably because they are very good at disguising it. Behind their image, they may feel like they are nothings doomed to nothingness, but the image must be vibrant and victorious. They cannot afford to be distracted from their efforts to preserve their image.
· A striking thing about narcissists that you'll notice if you know them for a long time is that their ideas of themselves and the world don't change with experience; the ones I've known have been stalled at a vision that came to them by the age of sixteen.
Very true. In fact, they consider this as proof of them being wise beyond their years. As they age though, they will come up with different explanations for their behavior.
· Once they know you are emotionally attached to them, they expect to be able to use you like an appliance and shove you around like a piece of furniture. If you object, then they'll say that obviously you don't really love them or else you'd let them do whatever they want with you. If you should be so uppity as to express a mind and heart of your own, then they will cut you off -- just like that, sometimes trashing you and all your friends on the way out the door.
I don’t even know were to begin on this. It is true that some of the narcissists I know do just cut you off, but in my personal experience the trashing comes when you leave them. When Don realized I wasn’t coming back, he began not only to trash me, but my family and friends where the kids could overhear him. Tyrant woman called me a traitor to her little group when I left, even though I pointed out in no uncertain terms that she was the one who had betrayed my trust. This seems true for almost any personality disorder I have observed.
Most of the narcissists who have cut me off, usually then go on to pretend that I never existed, but maybe because then they feel they had control over the severing, not I.
An
amusing observation I have made on my own is that nothing can spot a
Narcissistic Personality Disorder like another one. Every narcissist I have known has warned me about the other
narcissists in my life, completely ignoring the fact they behave in the very
same manner. “She’s treating you like a
tool.” “He’s too full of himself.” “They only want a fan club.”
Listen to the narcissists you can’t get rid of. If they tell you there is something wrong with someone, ask yourself if this is some trait they have too. If so, save yourself some grief and don’t get involved with the new person.