A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

A

aardvark v. US To shag; bonk; go horizontal jogging.
a bit n. Some of the other (qv), but not necessarily an entire portion (qv).
ACAB All Coppers Are Bastards. Popular forehead tattoo.
acorn n. That little bell end(qv) from which tall oaks grow... when you get wood (qv).
Admiral Browning n. Chocolate log; that which sinks the Bismarck (qv).
afterburner n. Of farts and farting, a pyroflatulatory anal announcement; blue streak (qv).
aim Archie at the Armitage euph. Urinate. Also point Percy at the porcelain.
air bags n. Breasts.
air biscuit n. Fart; botty burp. Floating body of trouser gas. As in "Could you open a window. I think somebody has launched an air biscuit".
air your guts v. To puke.
airing the orchid v. Beating about the bush; gusset typing (qv). (Orchid is also Greek for testicle).
almond n. 1. rhyming slang Penis; cock. From ‘almond rock’. 2. Original rhyming slang Socks. 3. An imperial measure of semen, approximately one stomach full.
almond flakes See mammary dandruff.
anal announcement n. Rasping noise made by the play of noxious air through the sphincter; fart; chuff; beef; trouser trumpet; anal exhalation.
angel n. Pillow biter; passive male homosexual. See also sponge.
anus n. Doctor-speak for the council gritter (qv).
apache n. 1. Sex without a condom; riding bare back. 2. Popular hit by sixties guitar combo The Shadows.
apeshit adj. Mental; ballistic; doolally.
Aphrodite’s Evostick n. Semen; human bonding fluid. See also Gloy, glue gun.
apple catchers n. Generously proportioned knickers for the fuller figure.
aris n. Convoluted cockney rhyming slang for arse. From Aristotle - bottle - bottle and "glarse" - arse.
around the world n. 1. Rub-a-tug shop (qv) equivalent of a sugar cone double 99 with raspberry sauce and hundreds and thousands. 2. Aus. Licking the rim (qv).
arse 1. n. Once the official term for the Gary Glitter (qv), now replaced by anus. 2. exclam. A negative reply, expressing denial. As in "Did you steal my pencil?" "Did I arse".
arsecons n. Of information technology, those computer keyboard symbols used illustratively to indicate the condition of an arse. e.g. Normal arse (_!_) Lard arse (__!__) Tight arse (!) Sore arse (_*_) Slack arse (_o_) etc.
arse-feta n. That inedible cheese(qv) matured in the narrow passage leading to Cadbury alley (qv).
arse-grapes n. Descriptive term for Nobbies(qv); haemorrhoids.
arse-piss n. Diarrhoea; rusty water; anal fire water; Jap flag juice.
arseholed adj. Intoxicated; shit-faced; rat-arsed; blotto; having partaken in an excess of wallop (qv).
arse man n. He who prefers arses to legs or tits.
Arsenal are at home euph. Nick Hornby’s bird is chasing the cotton mouse; has the painters in, etc. Arsenal can be replaced by any football team who play in red. Scotland Aberdeen etc.
arse wipe n. Toe rag; menial person.
artichoke n. Aus. Ugly slapper; wrinkly boot.
articulate the archdea-con See bash the bishop.
art pamphlet n. A jazz or scud magazine; one handed reading material.
ass n. US That part of the body the whooping of which indicates a comprehensive victory, and of which the invitation to kiss is often made rhetorically.
assets n. Of British tabloid journalism, a girl’s breasts.
at it adj. Engaged in copulation. The use of this term is restricted to disapproving neighbours. As in "Tssch. Sounds like those two next door are at it again".
audition the finger puppets v. Shuffling the Kit-Kat. See Kit-Kat shuffler.
auntie n. Old quean (qv).
aunt Mary n. Vagina. (Not to be confused with auntie or Mary).
aunty’s round euph. girlspeak A visit which, not unlike having the painters in, can affect a girl’s social life. As in "Sorry love, not today. Aunty’s round. But I can play tennis if you like".
awaken the bacon v. Sexually arouse the male; stimulate the penis; polish the pork sword (qv).
axe wound n. Also hairy axe wound. That central vertical division in a ladies box (qv); gash; vulva.
Aztec two-step n. Diarrhoea dance along the lines of the Tijuana cha-cha. Also Turkish two-step.

B

baby’s dinners (ba-beez di-naz) n. Breasts; tits; pink passion blancmanges.
babia majora US n. Quantity of babes; attractive girls.
baby gravy euph. Semen; smegma. Also baby bullion.
baccy pouch n. Overgrown mapatasi(qv). See also pant moustache, bear trapper’s hat.
back door conquistador n. An ombre who wears a coco sombrero (qv).
back door boogie n. 1. Heterosexual The ritual dance which accompanies a game of hide the salami(qv) when playing canine rules. 2. AC/DC The theme tune for Pot Brown.
backfire v. To fart; blow-off.
back passage n. Anal exit and/or entrance.
back scuttle v. To scuttle (qv) from the back.
backstroke roulette See hitch-hiking under the big top.
back seat driver 1. n. Car passenger who criticises the driving of another. 2. n. Gentleman who puts his sixth gearstick (qv) up the exhaust pipe of another.
backwards burp n. Fart; air dump; tree monkey.
back wheels n. Bollocks; balls. As in "What a gob. She even managed to get me back wheels in".
bacon bazooka n. Penis; pork sword; the pink oboe.
badge . badger n. Fanny. As in "Show us yer badge".
bag n. Slapper; boot.
baggage boy n. Of pooves and poovery, the opposite of a pillow biter (qv); stone (qv).
bagging v. Shagging.
bag ladies’ period sim. Foul tasting. As in "Don’t buy Mrs Timpkin’s home made jam, vicar. I’ve tasted nicer bag ladies period".
bagpipe v. To ignore the pink and the brown, and shove the cue straight into the top corner pocket; armpit sex.
bahookie n. Scot. Arse.
baibhe (bye-b) Gaelic n. Rough old slapper; a boot.
bairn’s sock, trying to get a roll of carpet into a sim. To emphasise a large penis.
bald-headed hermit See bald man.
bald man n. The penis; Kojak; Captain Pickard; Spurt Reynolds (qv) etc. Also the old man. (Not to be confused with bald man in a boat (qv)).
bald man in a boat n. Female genitalia; hairy pie. Not to be confused with the skin boat (qv).
Balkans, the n. In British Carry On films, a vague euphemism for the testicles; bollocks. Other geographical double entendres include the Urals, Khyber pass.
ball v. To bonk; nob; bang; shag.
Ballarat Aus. n. A fully erect penis. As in "Are you ready yet Bruce?" "Almost there Sheila. I’m nearly at Ballarat". See also Lake Wendouree.
ballocks n. The original spelling of bollocks.
balloon knot n. Ringpiece; chocolate starfish. A puckered gazoo (qv).
ball buster n. Sexually aggressive female; cock chomper.
ball bag n. Bag in which balls are kept; nad sack; scrotum.
balls 1. n. Testicles; those spherical spunk factories on the Scrots Road Industrial Estate. 2. n. Courage; guts. As in "I like him. He’s got balls". 3. exclam. Denial. As in "Has he balls got balls!" 4. n. Rubbish; nonsense. As in "Balls! Of course he’s got balls". 5. n. Round things you play football with.
balls deep adj. A pork sword (qv) buried to the hilt; the maximum length which it is possible to slip someone; in a sausage and donut situation (qv) the maximum extent to which the sausage can be hidden.
bam pot n. Head banger; heed the ball.
banana hammock n. Skimpy undercrackers or swimming trunks. The male equivalent of genital floss.
banana yoghurt n. Breakfast alternative to porridge (qv), to either swallow or spit (qv).
bang v. To have sex; to shag. e.g. "She bangs like a shithouse door in the wind". n. Sexual encounter; a shag.
bangles n. Most delicate part of the family jewels (qv).
banger hanger n. Pole vaulting pit; sausage receptacle. See cockwash.
banjo n. On the penis, that thin ridge of skin connecting the roll-neck to the bobby’s helmet (qv).
banjoed adj. Pissed up; tanked up; wankered; arseholed; sloshed; rat arsed.
bannocks exclam. Scottish equivalent of bollocks (qv). n. Jockspeak for nads; knackers; plums.
baloobas See bazoomas.
baps (baaah-ps) n. N. Ire-land Breasts. e.g. "Phoaar! Will yer look at the baps on that?"
Barclays rhym. slang Wank; J. Arthur Rank. From Barclays bank.
barf v. To vomit; call Huey; puke; bowk.
barf bag n. Sick bag, as found on an aeroplane. Also a useful alliterative insult.
bargain bucket n. An overemployed and overstretched fanny; welly top.
barking carrots v. Parking tigers; to vomit; puke; sing a rainbow.
barking spider n. Ringpiece; freckle; chocolate starfish.
barse n. The perineum; that little bit between your balls and your arse. Also biffin bridge, stinkers bridge, chin rest, taint etc.
bash-the-bishop v. To masturbate; burp the worm; toss; bank with Barclays (qv).
basket making v. Archaic term for shagging, basket meaning ‘bastard’.
bastard n. A football referee.
bat’s wings n. Delicate alternative to beef curtains (qv).
battered kipper n. Kipper (qv) in fanny batter (qv) often with extra scrunchies.
batting for both sides euph. Bowling from both ends, as opposed to the Pavilion end.
batty-boy n. W. Indies Tail ender who habitually bowls from the Pavilion end (qv).
bawd n. Very old fashioned term for a rub-a-tug shop (qv) proprietress.
bazoomas See begonias.
bead curtains n. Dangleberries; toffee strings. Not to be confused with beef curt-ains (qv).
bean flicker n. Lesbian.
beard n. 1. Ancient Hairy pie; mapatasi. 2. Recent A woman married to a gay man in order to conceal his true sexuality. As in: "Do you reckon that Sophie’s a beard then, or what?" See also whiff of lavender, frock.
bearded clam Aus. Vag-ina; fanny. As in "How did you get on Bruce? Did you spear the bearded clam?"
bear trappers hat n. Hairy front bottom. As in "She had a fanny like a bear trapper’s hat". Also Davy Crockett’s hat.
beat-the-meat v. To avail oneself of a ham shank; perform the five-knuckle-shuffle (qv); pull your pud.
beaver n. 1. US Female pubic hair. 2. Fanny; blart; the female genitals and/or females in general.
beaver cleaver n. Primitive male weapon for splaying beaver.
beaver lever See joystick.
bed flute n. Wind instrument closely related to the pink oboe (qv).
beef n. A fart.
beef bayonet n. Penis; cock; pork sword; love torpedo.
beef curtains n. Of women’s genitalias, those folds of skin known as the labia minora, or small lips. Or indeed piss flaps.
beer callipers n. Imaginary leg splints with the aid of which wankered (qv) stragglers making their way home from the pub at closing time.
beer goggles n. Imaginary optical aids through which ugly women begin to appear attractive after you have drunk too much beer. As in "What? You fancy that!?! You must be wearing beer goggles".
beetle bonnet n. Female pubic mound as viewed through tight pants, or when shaven. From the design of the classic VW car. See also camel’s foot.
bee stings See fried eggs.
begonias See bejonkers.
bejonkers See bouncers.
Belgian biscuit n. Jam in the middle? Icing on the top. Nice cherries. Enough said?
Belisha beacon n. Flashing orange globe on a black and white pole, named after the British Transport Min-ister in 1934.
bell n. Clitoris. As in "You can ring my b-e-e-ell, ring my bell. Ding dong, ding dong".
bell end n. The glans of the penis; purple helmet.
bell-swagged adj. To be endowed with a large bell end on a contrastingly small stem or shaft; mushroom rigged.
belt-fed mortar Army sim. As in "I bet she bangs like a belt fed mortar". See also shithouse door in the wind; kangaroo shagging a space hopper, singer.
belly flopper n. A clumsy brown trout (qv) whose graceless entry into the water causes splashing of the arse.
benefactor n. Of farts and farting, he who supplies it. Also known as the donor.
beneficiaries n. Those who ‘benefit’ from the odour of another’s fart. The fartees, as opposed to the farter. See also break company.
bender n. 1. Prolonged drinking spree; Leo Sayer (qv). 2. A queer fella. See gender bender.
bend the elbow v. To go for a beer goggles (qv) fitting.
bent adj. Homosexual. As in "He was as bent as a nine bob note".
Berkeley Hunt rhym. slang Quaynt (qv).
berry n. A sexual deviant; kinky person. Also one who shags animals.
Bertie 1. n. Male homosexual. 2. A proper Charlie (qv).
Betty Swollocks n. Polite term for knacker discomfort; sweaty bollocks.
bevvy v. & n. Booze; drink.
biff See bob.
biffie n. Bog; shitter.
biffin n. Sweat secreted in the biffin bridge (qv) area during coitus.
biffin bridge See barse.
biffing plate 1. n. Beetle bonnet ; monkey’s forehead. 2. sim That which is flat. As in "Christ! This lager’s as flat as Naomi Campbell’s biffing plate".
biffon n. That part of the female anatomy between the bottom and the vagina, which the man’s balls biff on during intercourse. Also the taint.
big bamboo n. Penis.
big cock day n. A day, quite possibly in spring, the arrival of which is greeted with the dawn horn (qv) and throughout which the sap continues to rise. For example ‘As he wrestled himself into his shreddies, D’Arcy knew it was going to be a big cock day’. (Pride And Prejudice by Jane Austin).
bike n. Of women, an easy lay. She who has been frequently ridden. Often prefixed with a location. e.g. "You don’t want to go near her mate. She’s the office bike". Also bicycle.
bikini burger See hairy pie.
Bill Grundies rhym. slang Undies, trollies etc. (Unlike Roger Mellie, Bill Grundy was a television host who preferred to let his guests do the swearing.)
billiards See pocket billiards.
Billingsgate box n. Minge. Based on a Cockney comparison between fish and fanny odours.
bill poster’s bucket sim. Large paste filled fanny. As in "She had a fanny like a billposter’s bucket".
Billy Mill roundabout n. Climactic point of masturbation. From the end of A1058 coast road near Newcastle. As in "My mum walked in just as I was coming up to the Billy Mill roundabout". See also vinegar strokes (qv).
Billy Wright n. Legendary Wolverhamtpon Wanderers footballer, latterly immortalised as rhyming slang for shite.
bimbo n. Joanne Guest.
bimboid adj. Appertaining to Joanne Guest.
bint n. Derogatory term for a silly old slapper; a bird; Joanne Guest.
bird n. An inanimate young woman. As in "Phoar! Is this your new bird? She’s a bit of alright, ain’t she".
biscuits 1. n. UK Contents of the stomach after a heavy night’s drinking. As in "Get me a bucket, quick, I’m gonna chuck me biscuits".
2. n. US Attractive buttocks.
bit n. Unspecified quantity of sex, usually partaken "on the side".
bit of fluff n. Singular piece of totty (qv).
bit of rough n. Sexual partner, usually male, from a lower echelon; he who would wipe his cock on your curtains. e.g. Lady Chatterley’s Lover.
BJLs Blow job lips, as opposed to donkey kisser’s lips (qv).
Blackpool rock n. Dinosaur egg; stool produced (with some difficulty) after necking too much of the Nigerian lager.
bladdered See blitzed.
blanket ripper n. Back draught in a Dutch oven (qv).
blart n. Vagina. Also collective n. Women; totty e.g. "Golly gosh! This pub is heaving with blart".
bleed the lizard v. Reptile relative of siphon the python.
bletherskate Scot. n. Shit-for-brains; fuckwit; twat. Literally meaning bag of shite.
blick See muffdruff.
bliff n. Minge; front bottom.
bliff mag n. Pornographic magazine; rhythm mag; art pamphlet.
blind cobbler’s thumbs See chapel hat pegs.
blit n. See blivvet.
blitzed See blotto.
blivvet See blart.
blob n. Condom; French safe; French letter; rubber Johnny. Not to be confused with on the blob (qv).
blood orange n. The arse after being savaged by a particularly vicious chocolate shark (qv). See also Japanese flag.
bloody adj. The perfect sweary aperitif for a "fucking", ideally followed by the "hell" dessert.
bloomers n. 1. An item of women’s underwear. 2. Any unfunny and self-indulgent ‘mistake’ made on camera by a BBC employee which can later be transmitted as part of a tiresome ‘comedy’ compilation.
blotto See blootered.
blootered See banjoed.
blow off v. To trumpet through the trousers; parp in the pants.
blow job n. Dangerous sex act whereby the female inflates the male’s testicles like balloons by blowing air into his penis.
blow mud v. To noisily expel a loose stool; crop spray (qv).
blow your biscuits v. To puke; yawn in technicolour.
blue balls n. Bollocks which are fit to burst through lack of use. ‘Nuts like a tin of Fussell’s milk’.
blue dart n. That brief but exciting pyrotechnic display achieved by igniting one’s air biscuits (qv).
blue veined piccolo n. Penis; cock. Also blue veined custard chucker / Havana / rocket, etc.
blurter n. 1. Aus. Chocolate starfish; ring. 2. A little fishy that thoo shalt have on a little dishy, when the boo-ert comes in.
boak See bowk.
bob See boff.
bobby’s anorak n. Kojak’s roll-neck; foreskin.
bobby’s helmet n. Bell end. From the distinctive shape of the British police constable’s hat which manages to look like a tit and a bell end both at once.
boff See bonk.
bog n. Lavatory.
bog snorkelling v. Dirtbox (as opposed to muff) diving.
boiler n. An ugly woman one would prefer not to service. e.g. Potterton 180 upright; Myson.
boilerdom n. The state of being a boiler into which many fat girls pass directly upon reaching puberty.
bollocks n. 1. Nonsense; balls, as in: "That’s utter bollocks, that is". 2. Knackers; balls, as in: "Them’s massive bollocks, thems is". See also ballocks.
bollock service n. Wank. As in "My balls are blue. It’s about time I had them in for a bollock service".
Bologna bop n. Solo sausage dance also known as the Roman helmet rumba.
bomb bay n. The arse; the area of one’s body towards which the rear gunner (qv) is attracted.
bone n. Erect penis.
boner US n. An erection; stiffy.
bone xylophone n. Advanced gynaecological term for the interior of a woman’s rib cage; her slats (qv). As in "Let’s go play the bone xylophone".
bonk See biff.
bonk-on n. Erection, as in: "A copy of Fiesta and a box of tissues please, Mr Newsagent. I’ve got a right big bonk on in my pants today".
boobs See boobies.
boobies See boobs.
Boris n. Vagina. Term used by females, apparently.
Bosch v. To drill a hole between cubicles in a public lavatory for the purpose of spying on, or making your penis available to, the botter (qv) in the adjacent cubicle. See also sports bag.
bott v. A sex act performed by botters (qv).
botter (bot-ah) n. He who botts.
bottom n. That which the botter (qv)botts (qv); bomb bay; backside; butt; arse.
botty burp n. A burp from the bottom; trouser trumpet; fart.
bouncers See diddies.
bourbon n. Fancy ‘licker’. Someone who is good at horatio (qv).
Bourneville boulevard n. Arse; fudge tunnel. Used to denote homosexuality, as in: "I believe he strolls down the Bourneville boulevard".
Bovril bullets n. Stools; excrement.
bowel bugle See bowel howl.
bowel howl n. Fearsome wailing of the anus; the sound of your supper.
bowel trowel n. One of a selection of tools at the disposal of the uphill gardener (qv). See also cheesy wheelbarrow, trouser rake.
bowk v. To barf; vomit; spew; yak; hoy up; bake a pavement pizza (qv).
bowl from the Pavilion end v. To bott; travel on the other bus (qv).
box n. 1. The vagina. As in: "I wouldn’t mind getting into her box". 2. In cricket, a gentleman’s protective device worn around the undercarriage (qv). As in: "Ooyah me pods! I wish I’d worn a box".
box of assorted creams Aus. n. She who has recently been over accommodating to a number of gentlemen; a promiscuous female with a fanny like billposter’s bucket.
box the jesuit v. 17thC. How Robin Hood and his merry men would have referred to bashing the bishop (qv).
Brahms and Liszt rhym. slang Pissed.
brap n. The volume rating of a fart (Bp) governed by three variables;- rectal pressure (r), buttock friction (f) and sprouts consumed (SpC).
Buttock friction (f) can be reduced to zero by pulling the ringpiece open wide during emission.
brass eye n. Hog’s eye; brown eye; chocolate starfish.
break company v. To disrupt a gathering of benefactors (qv) by the release of a pungent botty breeze.
breast fest n. Those summer months during which women sunbathe topless.
brewer’s droop n. Marshmallowing of the penis due to excessive alcohol intake.
brewer’s fart n. A particularly strong smelling fart. As in "Fuck me, he’s just dropped a brewer’s fart, grains and all".
brew one up v. To be burbulent; to bake an air biscuit (qv). As in "For your own safety step back please ladies, I’m brewing one up over here".
Brillo pad sim. Coarse vaginal hair. For example, a red headed (collar and cuffs (qv)) Scots lassie might be described as having "A mott like a rusty Brillo pad".
brick shithouse sim. Heavy set; stocky; well built. As in "She was built like a brick shithouse".
brim n. Skirting around the base of one’s helmet (qv).
Bristols ryhm. slang Tits. From Bristol Cities - titties.
broat See vurp.
Bronx cheer n. Fart. (This archaic term is now used only on whoopee cushions).
brother n. Lesbian; bean flicker; tuppence licker; carpet muncher.
brown bullet-hole n. Bumhole; barking spider.
brown eye n. The ring (qv) through which the brown trout (qv) jump on their journey down the pan.
brown hatter n. One who bowls from the Pavilion end (qv) and in so doing tarnishes his bobbies helmet (qv).
brown trout n. A turd; big job; shite.
brown pipe engineer n. A plop plumber who always visits via the tradesman’s entrance (qv).
brown wings n. That honour bestowed on a man after he has completed a successful spell of bowling from the Pavilion end (qv).
B.S. US abbr. Bullshit.
B.S.H. British Standard Handful. The unit by which breasts are often measured.
bucket fanny n. Spacious or roomy vagina. Also Tardis twat, cathedral, welly top.
buffage n. US Men. Used as a female equivalent of totty (qv). As in "Hey girls, check out the buffage in here".
buffty Scotch n. Gay fellow.
bugger 1. n. He who pokes either of the two ‘A’s, arseholes or animals. 2. v. To break; damage; fuck.
buggers grips n. Sideburns. Also bugger’s handles.
build a log cabin v. To pass an enormous stool. As in: "I wouldn’t go in there mate. Someone’s just built a log cabin". Also U blocker.
builder’s bum n. The protrusion of fat, sweaty arse cheeks above the sagging waist of the jeans, common among builders and council workmen. Also known as bricky’s crack, Dagenham smile.
bull abbr. Bullshit.
bulldog eating porridge sim. Vagina in the aftermath of sex. As in "She had a fanny like a bulldog eating porridge".Earliest recorded use in Shakespeare’s Henry IV, act II. "And lo, do I see that my ladies’ bulldog hath been eating porridge again?"
bulldog chewing a wasp sim. An ugly face. "She had a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp". Also bulldog licking piss off a nettle. See also welder’s bench.
bulldyke n. Butch, masculine or aggressive lesbian. See also stone.
bullshit (Eddie Murphy bull-shee-it) 1. n. Rubbish; nonsense. 2. v. To lie; deliberately mislead; talk rubbish to.
bum 1. n. Arse; poop chute. 2. US n. Hobo; tramp; pan handler (not to be confused with pan handle (qv)) 3. v. To scavenge. As in "Can I bum a cigarette off you". (Not to be confused with bum cigar (qv)) 4. adj. Unjust; unfair. As in "Hey man! This is a bum wrap. I want to see my brief".
bum bandit n. A robber, outlaw or highwayman, who steals people’s bottoms.
bum chain n. A rather intimate version of the Conga supposedly danced by those on the other bus (qv). See also daisy chain.
bum chums n. Primary school term for alleged gays.
bum cigar n. In after dinner conversation, a stool. "Well, if you’ll excuse me ladies, I think I’ll nip upstairs and light a bum cigar".
bum conkers See bum grapes.
bum crumbs n. Kling-ons (qv) which have ceased to kling. Usually found in the bed or in the gusset of the trollies (qv).
bum fluff n. Derisory pubescent attempt to grow a beard. Not to be confused with a beard (qv).
bum grapes n. An itchy, red grape which grows well in the shaded regions of the Khyber Pass (qv).
bum gravy n. Diarrhoea; rusty water.
bumtags See dangleberries.
bung hole n. Vagina. See fizzing at the bung hole.
bun in the oven adj. Pregnant; up the stick. As in "Guess what love. I’ve got a bun in the oven". "Shut up will ya. I’m watching telly".
bunko booth n. Shithouse; lavatory cubicle.
bunk up n. 1. Bonk; shag. As in: "Darling, you look beautiful tonight. Any chance of a bunk up?" 2. Assistance climbing, as in: "Shit. I’m so pissed I can’t get onto the bed. Giz a bunk up will ya?"
buns n. Regional variation of baps (qv).
burbulence n. The anal intonation of a fart; tummy rumbling which precedes the breakage of wind.
burial at sea n. The dignified delivery of a stool, without splashback (qv). The opposite of a depth charge or belly flopper (qv).
burly n. Bum wipe; toilet paper; chocolate shark bait.
burn bad powder v. Of trouser trumpeteering, to light a tyre; emit fysts (qv).
burp the worm See bash the bishop.
bury a quaker v. To dispense with the contents of one’s rectum; crimp one off; release a payload from the bomb bay.
butcher’s window, the n. Female genitalia.
buttered bun See box of assorted creams.
buttock broker n. Controller of prostitutes; pimp.
buttock hall n. Meat mart; knocking shop; dance hall frequented by loose women.
buttock jig n. Horizontal dance, the steps to which are similar to the blanket hornpipe.
button n. Clitoris.
button groove n. Vulva; hairy axe wound.
button hole n. That hole (qv) below the button (qv) which the button does not at any stage go into.
butt slammers n. derog. US Members of the gay community.
butt sneeze n. US Fart.
bush n. Female pubic hair; mapatasi (qv).

C

cabbage n. Girls; totty. As in "I’m looking forward to going out this evening. I hope to pick some cabbage".
cabbage fart n. Noxious anal emission of cabbage gas (qv).
cabbage gas n. Naturally occurring pyroflatulatory bum gas used to power Dutch ovens (qv).
cable laying v. To excrete solid stools. As opposed to crop spraying (qv).
cack . cacka 1. n. Shit; excrement. 2. v. To papper (qv), usually one’s trollies.
Cadbury alley See Bourne-ville boulevard.
call down for more mayo v. Jack the beanstalk.
call Huey v. Vomit; puke. Also call Ralph, call Ruth.
camel’s foot n. Of leggings and tight jeans, those mounds and crevices generated in a ladies crotch when they are pulled up too tight. Also Camel’s toes. See also Twix lips.
camp adj. Effeminate. As in "You should have seen him mince. He was as camp as a row of tents".
can US n. Bottom.
captain n. Penis; Fagan (qv). As in "Say hello to the captain".
Captain Hogseye n. Curly bearded seafarer with a shiny, bald, purple head who trawls in cod cove (qv) and spits a lot.
Captain’s Pie n. 1. Hairy pie caught fresh by Captain Hog’s Eye; haddock pastie (qv). 2. Of ship’s catering, that pie which belongs to the captain.
carnival n. Of extremely old jokes, a sexual position where a woman sits on a man’s face and he has to guess her weight.
carnival knowledge n. Latin phrase meaning to have sex. As in: "Have you had carnival knowledge with your wife within the last two weeks?"
carpenter’s dream n. Sexually promiscuous woman. As in: "Flat as a board, and easy to screw".
carpet muncher n. One who scoffs hairy pie (qv), usually a female.
Casanova’s rubber sock n. Condom; blob; French letter.
cat n. Homosexual man. (From the Latin catamite - a boy kept by a man for immoral purposes).
cat flaps n. Labia minora; beef curtains.
cathedral sim. Describing an oversized vagina. To the owner one could remark "By goodness! My organ’s never played in a cathedral this size before".
cattle rhym. slang Cattle truck - fuck. Also trolley (and truck), Friar (Tuck) or Russian (duck).
cauliflower n. Sex. e.g. "I fancy doing a bit of cauliflower". 18thC. slang vagina.
cavalier n. Uncircumcised penis.
cedar burp n. Small outbreak of chocolate thunder; a fart.
chalfonts rhym. sl. Piles; bum grapes. From Chalfont St. Giles.
chapel hat pegs sim. To describe large, erect nipples. As in "Phoarr! She had nipples like chapel hat pegs". Also pygmies’ cocks; Scammel wheel nuts.
Charlie rhym. slang. Cunt. From ‘Charlie Hunt’. As in "You look a proper Charlie".
Charlies n. 70s Tits.
charms n. Of British tabloid journalism, the breasts. Usually prefixed "ample".
charver 1 v. US To have sex; shag. 2. UK Boy; lad; adolescent. 3. UK Be-track-suited twocker; borstal boy; male equivalent of a slappette (qv).
chase the cotton mouse v. To have the painters in; flags out; surf the crimson wave.
chebs n. Tits; breasts.
cheek flapper n. A fart which registers highly on the brap (qv) scale.
cheese See knob cheese.
cheesepipe n. That pipe associated with cheese (qv).
cheesepipe clingfilm n. Condom; rubber Johnny.
cheese ridge n. The fertile area of the penis where knob cheese (qv) is cultivated. Also banjo (qv).
cheesy wheelbarrow n. The penis, as it might appear while being pushed by an uphill gardener (qv).
cherry n. Virginity. See pop her cherry.
chest pillows n. Breasts.
chewing on a brick v. Of logs and logging, that desperate point when the turtle’s head (qv) and indeed shoulders protrude and the arse is left "chewing on a brick".
chew your own arm off v. To have difficulty getting away from an ugly woman with whom you wake up no longer wearing your beer goggles (qv). If she was asleep on it, you would ‘chew your own arm off’ in order to escape. See also coyote, trout.
chichis Mexican n. Tits; breasts. Those which have no appeal to a coco sombrero (qv).
chicken n. Young gay male; teenage hitch hiker on the Hershey highway (qv).
chickenhawk n. Hershey highwayman (qv) who prays on said chickens.
Chinese singing lesson, to take a v. Have a much needed piss.
chin rest See duffy’s bridge.
chin splash n. Condition caused by trying on a pearl necklace (qv) that is too big.
chimney sweep See choco-late chimney sweep.
chocolate cha-cha n. Roof-top dance in the style of Dick Van Dyke, but performed by chimney sweeps of the chocolate variety.
chocolate chimney sweep n. He who uses his purple headed womb broom (qv) to clean poop chutes (qv).
chocolate eye n. Bumhole.
chocolate fountain n. A spectacular, anal, upside down firework ignited in the lavatory to celebrate having a belly full of beer and a dodgy curry the night before.
chocolate iceberg n. Giant turd sitting in the trap (qv), the tip of which protrudes above water level.
chocolate shark n. Unlike its relative the brown trout, the appearance of this giant beast from the bumhole often causes panic among toilet-goers.
chocolate shark angler n. Fisherman who sails his skin boat (qv) up the cocoa canal.
chocolate speedway n. Bumhole; poop chute.
chocolate speedway rider n. Purple helmeted star of the dirt track.
chocolate starfish n. Rusty sheriff’s badge (qv); Bovril bullet hole.
chocolate thunder n. Tail winds; a trouser typhoon. Also under thunder.
choke the chicken or choke the goose See bash the bishop or burp the worm.
choozies Aus. n. Breasts.
chopper 1. n. Penis. As in: "That Andy Cole couldn’t score in a brothel with a £50 note wrapped round his chopper". 2. n. Fancy orange bike that fat kids owned in the 1970s. 3. n. Helicopter.
chrome-dome n. Slap head; baldy.
chubblies n. Fat bird’s choozies (qv).
chuck up See honk up.
chuck your muck v. To drain one’s spuds; ejaculate.
chuckies n. Balls.
chudleighs (chud-leez) or chuds. See chebs, Charlies, charms or indeed chichis.
chuff 1. v. To pass wind; shoot a bunny rabbit. e.g. "Oops! Best open a window vicar. I’ve just chuffed". 2. n. Vagina; ladies front bottom. 3. n. Anus.
chuffdruff n. Those residual flakes of manfat (qv) and fanny batter (qv) found upon the mapatasi (qv). Pubic equivalent of mammary dandruff (qv).
chuff mountain n. Surplus of female guests at a party.
chuff nuts See dangleberries.
chuftie plug n. Tampon.
chunder Aus. v. To produce a pavement pizza (qv); to barf.
chunk v. To vomit. Also blow chunks.
chutney ferret n. Potholer in kak canyon (qv); botter.
chutney locker n. Rectum. Also date locker.
circle n. Vagina. Euphemism used by Shakespeare in Romeo and Juliet. Still useful nowadays, as in: "Any chance of a ticket for the grand circle tonight, darlin’?"
circle jerk n. A shared round of hand shandies (qv).
clagnuts n. Dangleberries. Also tagnuts.
clam jousting n. A sexual encounter between lesbians. Also Velcro fastening.
clam ram See fanny battering ram.
clam smacker n. Lesbian; bean flicker.
clap, the n. Any sexually transmitted disease, but usually gonorrhoea.
clapometer n. Imaginary medical instrument used by doctors to diagnose the clap. As in "Don’t touch her. I hear she scores tens on the clapometer".
clappers n. 1. In farting, the buttocks. As in "Christ! That one didn’t half rattle the clappers". 2. That part of a bell like which you go.
clarts n. Tacky excrement, such as would cling to the lavatory bowl above the water level rather than slip into the water.
clear the custard v. To have a long overdue wank. e.g. "Ooooooh... I’ve got balls like boulders. I’d better nip upstairs and clear the custard".
clinkers Aus. n. Difficult to remove poo particles; toffee strings; winnets; kling-ons; dangleberries.
clodge n. Vagina.
clown’s pocket sim. To describe the bigger, baggier and perhaps yellow and red checkered vagina. As in "She had a fanny like a clown’s pocket".
cludgie n. Shitehouse; lavatory; thunderbox.
clusterfuck n. A regrettable situation of immense idiocy.
cobblers ryhm. slang Balls. From ‘Cobbler’s awls’.
cock 1. n. Penis; willy; knob. 2. n. A person to whom a chirpy Cockney wishes to speak, esp. when prefixed by "Wotcha..." 3. n. A sort of chicken.
cock block n. Bed. As in "I wouldn’t mind lying that on me cock block". See also shag slab.
cock porridge n. Messy load fired from the porridge gun (qv).
cock snot n. Semen. As in "Copy of Fiesta... oh, and a box of tissues. I think my cock has a cold coming on".
cock sucker n. Of road rage incidents, a wanker; a motorist who cuts you up.
cock smoker n. A lady who plays Horatio (qv) on the trouser trombone.
cock tease n. Woman who wears ‘fuck me shoes’ and then changes into ‘fuck off slippers’ when you get back to her place.
cockwash n. Vagina. As in "It’s about time I put this through the cockwash". See also token for the cockwash, municipal cockwash.
cocoa sombrero n. Mexican variation on the brown hat.
cod cove See fish mitten.
cods n. Balls. Often prefixed "A kick is the".
coffin-dodger n. Affectionate term for an incontinent, elderly relative.
collar and cuffs euph. Matching hair colour, up top and down below. As in "See that blonde. Do you reckon her collar matches her cuffs?"
Colwyn Bay Welsh seaside rhym. slang Gay.
command module n. Bell end; glans.
combustoflatulation n. The highly dangerous act of flame throwing with one’s trouser trumpet. Also pyro-flatulation.
con n. French Cunt.
con artiste, une n. Muff diver.
cones n. Breasts, especially pointy, orange, dayglo ones found alongside the M25.
conkers See hairy conkers.
Constable n. Rough shaven minge.
convoy cock See travel fat.
cop a feel v. To get one’s fingers (qv) or tops (qv).
copper bolt v. Very heavy or solid stool.
corn beef cudgel n. Short, thick trouser stick the "taking up" of which relieves gentlemanly tensions. Also corn beef lighthouse.
cornhole 1. n. US Brass eye; ring; balloon knot. 2. v. To shove your cock up same.
corybungo n. Arse; backside.
costume drama n. The frantic behaviour of a woman who cannot decide what to wear for a party. See also period drama.
cottage v. To go house hunting on Bourneville boulevard (qv), looking for something a bit more solid than a log cabin (qv); to wank in a public lavatory, in George Michael’s case in front of an undercover police officer.
cotton mouse See tampon.
cough cabbage water v. Ejaculate; tread on the gloy bottle.
council gritter rhym. sl. Shitter; arsehole; dirtbox. As in: "Watch that one. I hear he takes it up the council gritter". Also Gary (Glitter), apple (fritter).
court Madam Knuckle See Madam Palm and her five sisters.
cowboy walk n. Broad, rolling gait required when walking to the bog with the turtles head (qv) exposed.
coyote See chew your own arm off.
crabs n. Pubic lice.
crab ladder n. Penis.
crack n. 1. Minge; fanny. As in "Close your legs honey, folks will see your crack". 2. Banter; gossip; conversation. As in "Have you heard all the crack about your crack? Everyone must have seen it."
crack a fat v. To achieve an erection.
crack a stiffy See crack a fat.
crackerjacks n. Testicles. As in "I’m off upstairs to whack me crackerjacks".
crackling n. Totty; talent. Goes well with the verb to pork.
cranberry dip n. A special recipe for hairy pie (qv) available only during rag week (qv).
crank 1. n. Penis. 2. v. Ham shank.
crap 1. n. Shit. 2. v. To shit.
crapper n. Lavatory. From the German inventor of the self-cleaning water closet, Thomas Shitehousen.
crash the yoghurt truck v. RTA at the Billy Mill roundabout (qv); empty the wank tanks; discharge the trouser Mauser (qv).
cream v. To ejaculate, as often as not in "your pants".
crepitate v. Posh word for fart.
crimp off a length v. Naval slang See curl one off.
crimson crowbar n. Penis. Also jizz jemmy.
crimson wave Also crimson tide. See surfing the crimson wave.
crotch crickets n. Crabs.
crouton n. Erection; bone; stalk; stiffy.
crop spraying v. To have diarrhoea. As opposed to cable laying (qv). A doctor may enquire: "So what’s the old shitter been up too then? Cable laying or crop spraying?"
crow US n. That muck which has been chucked, esp. onto the mapatasi (qv); post porking residue on the hairy clam (qv). See also muffdruff.
crowd pleaser n. Unusual or noteworthy stool which you feel an urge to show to someone before you flush. Possibly a U blocker (qv) or a copper bolt (qv).
crumpet n. A traditional Scottish cake made of soft light dough, eaten toasted and buttered, much craved by the late Sid James. Originally a euphemism for buttered bun (qv). Also fresh from the bakery muffin, tiffin, tart.
crusties n. Overworn knickers lacking in ‘April freshness’; those panties with a dirty drip tray (qv).
cuckold 1. n. A man whose wife plays away from home. 2. v. A wife who plays away.
cum 1. v. The mis-spelling of come commonly used by the authors of reader’s letters in jazz magazines (qv) to describe male ejaculation or its (bell) end product.
cumulo nimbus n. The posh Latin term for oral sex; stimulation of the clematis.
cunnifungus n. Female equivalent of knob cheese (qv).
cunt n. The female genitals. Once common parlance, the term has been considered impolite since the end of the 14th Century. Not recommended for use in front of the mother-in-law. See also Charlie.
cunny n. Fadge; vagina. (From the posh Latin word cunnus meaning ‘shagpipe’ and coney meaning ‘hairy rabbit warren’).
cunt bubble n. An air lock up the fanny, often leading to a minge burp.
cuntstruck adj. Besotted; hopelessly in love.
cupcake n. Small quantity of fart gas caught in the palm of the hands and then deposited in a person’s face.
Cupid’s toothpaste n. Cross between Aphrodite’s Evostick (qv) and denture glue; that which women spit (qv) or swallow (qv). Also tapioca toothpaste.
curd n. Jizz, or gism (qv).
curl one off v. To carefully deliver a stool. See also three coiler.
curler n. A lump of excrement, having been curled off.
curtain drop n. Labia length; size of a woman’s beef curtains (qv). As in "Excuse me love, I’m doing a bit of measuring up. What’s the drop of your curtains?"
curtain rings n. Pierced labia. See beef curtains.
cut the cheese v. To fart. Also cut the Brie, etc.
cushion creeper n. One who discreetly manoeuvres their buttocks on a chair in order to minimise brap (qv) and thereby silence a fart. See also one cheek sneak.
custard cannon See lamb cannon, mutton musket.
Cyclops n. Fabled one eyed trouser god who vomits when he is pleased.

D

dog toffee n. Tacky pavemental dog deposit that will readily adhere to the sole of a shoe or support an upright lollipop stick.
dog with two dicks sim. Randy; horny. As in "He came out of prison like a dog with two dicks". Also tom cat with three balls.
dollymop n. An amateur or inexperienced prostitute.
Donald rhym. slang Fuck. From Donald Duck.
donger n. Whanger; pork sword.
donkey kisser n. female She who does not kiss well; that girl who kisses like a donkey chewing an apple.
donkey punch n. To knock your partner out cold while approaching the Billy Mill roundaboutabout (qv) from Bourneville boulevard (qv). This is said to have the same aphrodisiacal effect as slam-ming a goose’s neck in a drawer whilst committing bestiality. Don’t try either.
donkey rigged adj. Blessed with a large penis.
donkified adj. The state of the male genitals on a big cock day (qv).
donor See benefactor.
donut puncher See bum bandit.
doormat basher See carpet muncher.
doos n. Tits.
dopper See dork.
dork See plonker.
double adapter euph. AC/ DC (qv) man equipped with a one pin plug at the front but also having the benefit of a fully functioning single pin socket at the back.
double the melt v. To get to the Billy Mill round-about (qv) twice during the same journey.
doxy n. Olde Worlde Whore; slag. She who docks (qv).
D’Oyle (doy-lee) rhym. slang D’Oyle Carte - fart.
Dracula’s tea bags n. Tampons; jamrags; cotton mice.
drain your spuds v. To empty out the tatty water (qv); clear the custard (qv).
draw mud from the well v. To follow through (qv).
drink from both taps v. To be bisexual; bend both ways; switch hitter (qv).
drink on a stick n. Erection, alluding to lollipops and oral sex. As in "Hoy pet, fancy a drink on a stick?"
drip tray n. The often crusty sump in a pair of knickers.
drive the porcelain bus v. A kneel-down visit to the lavatory during which one holds the rim (like a steering wheel) and does some psych-edelic yodelling (qv). Compare ride the porcelain bus.
drop anchor in bum bay v. To arrive at the rear admiral’s (qv) favourite port of call.
drop a pebble v. To erroneously emit a small body of faeces whilst attempting to break wind. See also follow through.
drop one v. Let off; chuff.
drop out n. Underpant condition whereby a testicle protrudes from the bottom of the shreddies (qv), or famously in Peter Beardsley’s case, football shorts. Compare flop out (qv).
dropping the shopping See drop the kids off at the pool.
drop the kids off at the pool See sink a few U boats.
drop your hat v. To fart. Also drop a bomb, drop your handbag.
drop your hat forwards v. To fanny fart; muff chuff. As in "Just as I was donning the beard, she dropped her hat forwards".
drown the chocolate slugs v. Alternative to light a bum cigar (qv) for those anticipating a looser stool.
dry bob n. Dance the frig jig; sex with clothes on. Also dry hump.
dry docked adj. Lack of lubrication situation where a low tide of love juices (qv) prevents the skin boat (qv) sailing into tuna town (qv).
duel with the pink Darth Vader n. See Hand Solo and pink Darth Vader for details.
duff n. Bum; arse.
duffy’s bridge See biffin bridge.
dugs n. Baps; paps. Olde worlde version of jugs.
dung funnel See fudge tunnel.
dung puncher See donut puncher.
dunk n. To dip one’s wick.
dunky n. Protective sheath to prevent the penis going soggy and falling off into the hairy goblet during dunking.
dunny n. Aus. Toilet; shite house. Also a popular nickname for someone called Dunn.
dump v. To drop a log; part with the poop payload. Compare air dump.
dumplings on that, look at the Common inter-male mammarial observation.
dust the duvet v. To hitch-hike under the big top (qv).
Dutch n. Sausage sandwich; tit wank. Also Dutch fuck. Sausage pizza (qv) is more popular in the Dutch Alps.
Dutch Alps n. Small breasts; fried eggs (qv). Also Lincolnshire Cairngorms.
Dutch oven n. Beneath the bedclothes after someone has played ‘Reveille’ on the botty bugle.
dyke n. Lesbian; tuppence licker; carpet muncher; a woman on the other bus. See also diesel dyke, bull-dyke.

E

Eartha Kitts rhym. slang Shits; diarrhoea. Also Brad Pitts, thrupenny bits.
eat breakfast backwards v. To throw up.
eating out v. Fanny lapping; muff diving; "one hairy pie to eat in, and hold the mayo".
Eccles snake n. A penis with warts.
Edward Woodward ono-matopoeia A fart in a bath.
egg bound adj. Blocked of fudge pipe; constipated.
Egyptian PT v. Orig. HMF To sleep. Through no fault of the Egyptians this is now also used to describe one-handed pink pole vaulting lessons and outings in the wanking chariot (qv).
elbow bender n. Nudger of the turps; saucerholic.
elephants (trunk) rhym. slang Drunk.
Emmas rhym. sl. Haemorrhoids. From Emma Freud, saucy sister of high powered media mogul Matthew. Also Nobbies (qv).
empty the anaconda v. To siphon the python.
Engleburts rhym. slang. The squirts. As opposed to a Humperdinck - stink.
English disease, the n. Homosexuality, as defined by the French.
English overcoat n. The French equivalent of the English French letter (qv).
Eric n. Schoolboy alternative to a Jake (qv).
ESD v. Eat Shitty Dick. To smoke a pink cigar fresh from kak canyon. Can be used as an insult in the suggestive form, e.g. "ESD, fuck face".
exhaust pipe n. Bumhole; fudge tunnel. Also tailpipe.
exhaust pipe engineer See brownpipe engineer.
exercise the ferret v. To copulate; bury the bishop (as opposed to bashing him).
extras n. The tugging as opposed to the rubbing in a rub-a-tug shop (qv).

F

fadge n. A cross between a fanny and a vagina.
fag n. 1. Tab; ciggie. 2. US Jessie; pansy; poofter.
Fagan n. Penis. As in "How did you get on last night. Did you introduce her to Fagan?"
fairy hammock n. Panties.
falling down juice n. Beer. Also fighting water.
family jewels n. Knackers; male genitalia.
fanning your arse v. Male courtship display. As in "I went twice round the dance floor fanning my arse, but I didn’t get a bite".
fanny n. 1. UK Minge; female genitals. 2. US Arse; backside.
fanny batter n. Crusty residue found on a hairy pie (qv). Also muffdruff.
fanny battering ram n. A primitive device for forcing entry into a fanny which both batters and is fanny battered in the process.
fanny bomb n. Moment of sexual fulfilment in a woman; female orgasm. As in "I think the fanny bomb just went off".
fanny flange n. Clitoris.
fanny fright n. Nervous condition affecting some macho men who suddenly become reluctant to have sex when presented with an opportunity.
fanny magnet n. Flash car or other possession towards the owner of which totty (qv) is attracted.
fanny rat n. 1. Penis. 2. Sexually promiscuous male; dick wit.
farmers rhym. slang Piles. From Farmer Giles.
fart 1. v. To make an anal announcement; the diction of friction caused by a passage of foul air through vibrating buttocks. 2. n. A passage of said arse-speak; German rhetoric; a bottom burp; beef; poot; air biscuit.
fart catcher n. Male homosexual. Orig. derog. valet or footman.
fart higher than your arse French To harbour an inflated opinion of oneself. As in "Zat garcon Daa-veed Beck-am. He farts higher zan eez own arse".
farting strings n. Imaginary part of the body which is liable to be damaged by over exertion through laughter, e.g. "Hey! Stop it will ya, before I bust me farting strings".
fart knocker n. 1. Bum bandit; fudge nudger. 2. One who criticises another’s farts.
fartleberries See dangleberries.
fart sack n. Bed; scratcher. As in "Come on love, let’s hit the fart sack". See also wanking chariot.
feague v. The equestrian tradition of shoving a stick of ginger up a horse’s dock (qv) for reasons best known to those who do it. Usefully adapts to feague off.
feather spitter n. Pillow biter (qv) who has bitten the pillow to hard or too often.
feature v. To shag; get next to. As in "Phoar! I wouldn’t mind featuring with her".
feeding the ducks v. To wank. From an apparent similarity in the hand move-ment involved.
feed the pony v. Also to wank. But I’ve never seen anyone feed a pony like that.
feed the fish naval v. To vomit over the side of a ship; bury one’s biscuits (qv) at sea.
felch v. 1. Californian craze of training a hamster or similar animal to jump through a ring (qv) on command. 2. Any other real or imagined homosexual practice, such as to lick lemon curd out of a tea towel holder (qv), or playing pass the chocolate log.
Feltchmeister n. One who felches; faux German term of formal address for a rear admiral (qv). As in "Ah, Feltchmeister Bottenhagen. Vee ver expeck-tink you".
fem See sponge.
fighting water See falling down juice.
fill your boots v. Get your oats.
finger pie n. What you have when you get fingers (qv); a handful of sprats (qv).
fingers See tops and fingers.
Finsbury bridge See barse.
firey surprise n. To receive a brand spanking new electric fire that you never knew about.
firing blanks v. Post snip ejaculation. e.g. "You can put the ticklers (qv) away love, I’m firing blanks".
firkin 1. n. An archaic term for a cask of ale, now the fuckwitted epithet for half the pubs in Britain.
firkytoodling n. Archaic Foreplay. Maidens often wrote to medieval problem pages to complain that their knights didn’t spend enough time on firkytoodling.
fish box n. Variation on box (qv) playing on the fish theme. Also Billingsgate box, fish mitten.
fish mitten n. Hairy pie; captain’s pie; haddock pastie. Friday supper alternative to lab kebabs or vertical bacon sandwiches.
fish supper euph. Carnival knowledge (qv) to which a husband is entitled at the end of the day. See get up them stairs.
fist magnet n. Someone who attracts punches to the face.
fist rape n. Taking advantage of your fist after inviting it back to your place for a coffee and a flick through a dirty magazine. See also glaze a knuckle.
fit adj. Attractive; worthy of one (qv).
fitbin interj. An extremely rude swearword invented by Sweary Mary in Viz for the sole purpose of antagonising W.H. Smiths.
five against one n. A very one sided but none-the-less enjoyable game of wrestling in which Madame Palm and her five sisters (qv) attempt to strangle Kojak (qv). The game ends when you make the bald man cry (qv).
five finger spread n. Highly counter productive attempt to suppress a vomit with the hand.
five knuckle shuffle n. One-handed work out to a Cindy Crawford exercise video.
five-to-two-er n. Boot; ugly woman. The only time you would chat her up would be at closing time in a nightclub.
fizzing at the bung hole adj. Implies sexual arousal in a woman. "Was she hot or was she not!? Fizzing at the bung hole, she was". Predominantly male usage, funnily enough.
fizzle n. A gentle or quiet fart.
fladge and padge n. Of rub-a-tug shop (qv) services, Mr Whippy with the nurses outfit.
flags are out adj. Wet paint warning; fixture list shows Arsenal are playing at home (qv).
flange n. Muff; beaver; minge.
flapjack n. A tool for jacking flaps apart.
flash the hash v. To throw up.
flash the upright grin v. To expose the female genitals; flash the gash.
flative adj. Of food, that which induces flatulence, e.g. cabbage, musical vegetables (qv).
flatulence n. Wind; the whole business of farting. From the Latin flatus meaning ‘smelly solo’ and lentus meaning ‘trouser trumpet’.
flesh wallet n. Hairy cheque book; pubic purse.
fleshy fugelhorn n. Tuneful variation on the bed flute; pink oboe.
flingel rhym. slang Cunt. From The Shadows instrumental hit ‘The Rise and Fall of Flingel Bunt’.
float an air biscuit v. To release a tree monkey (qv) from captivity.
floater n. 1. Scotch A turd in the pan which will not flush away. 2. Member of the crap 70s soul band, e.g. Larry.
flog the log See spank the plank.
flop out n. Condition whereby the flaccid penis protrudes through the bottom of the underpants, this often occurring during the transfer from a sitting to a standing position.
floppy red cup See hairy goblet.
florins ryhm. slang Shits. From the predecimal ‘florin’ coins known as ‘two bob bits’. Compare thruppenny bits.
fluff n. In the Navy, a fart.
fluffer n. On a dirty film set, a person employed to get the best from a male actors part between takes.
fnarr fnarr! exclam. Suppressed childish exclamation of amusement uttered after a double entendre.
foaming at the bunghole See frothing at the gash.
follow through v. To accidentally soil ones underpants whilst attempting to fart; create russet gusset (qv): drop a pebble (qv).
fomp v. US To engage in sexual foreplay; to have firky-toodle.
forget-me-nots n. The final notes in a Chinese singing lesson (qv); droplets which form a tiny but embarrassing wet patch on your trousers. Also dicksplash.
form n. Fitness; shagability (qv). As in "Check oot the form on that".
Francis n. US Female arse.
franger n. Condom.
Frankie (Vaughan) rhym. slang Porn; scud material.
frap . frappe v. echoism To fart.
freckle n. Aus. Arse; brown eye; chocolate starfish.
French n. Popular coital position whereby the man sits astride a bicycle selling onions while the woman perches on the handle bars and inflates his testicles.
French letter See English overcoat.
French safe n. Secure place to stick the longest and pinkest of the family jewels (qv).
French sickness n. Any disease caught from prostitutes advertising their services in phone boxes for £20 or less.
French wank See posh wank.
Frenchy n. Rubber carrying case for a French horn (qv).
Freudian slip n. Something comfortable into which Spurt Reynolds (qv) slips before sex. Named after Emma’s (qv) cock theorising great great grandad.
Friar Tuck See Donald Duck.
fried eggs n. Small baps. As in: "Do you fancy that Kate Moss?" "Naaaah! Tits like fried eggs".
frig v. To wank or fuck, usually about.
frock v. Cosmetic husband in a lavender marriage (qv). The male equivalent of a beard (qv).
frog See step on a frog.
front bottom See fur burger.
frothing at the gash adj. Of females in the male imagination, fizzing at the bung hole; gagging for it.
frottage v. To brush women with the womb broom.
frottager n. One who frotts.
fruit fly n. Fag hag.
fuck 1. v. To have it off; shag. 2. v. To have someone oot; chin. 3. v. To break; damage something beyond repair. 4. v. To dismiss with contempt. e.g. "Fuck that for a game of soldiers". 5. interj. Exclamation of surprise or disappointment (pronounced "fa-ck" in Soho brasseries). See cattle for polite alternatives.
fucker n. An individual; person. Often prefixed "big fat".
fuck stick n. Penis.
fuck truck See passion wagon.
fuckwit n. Simpleton; fool; one of little intelligence; bollock brain.
fud n. Scotch Berkeley Hunt.
fudge packer n. One who packs fudge.
fudge tunnel 1. n. A tunnel made out of, or for the underground transportation of, fudge. 2. n. An arsehole.
fugly adj. Fucking ugly.
fun bags n. Breasts; knockers; thruppennies.
fun cushions See fun bags.
fur burger n. Minge; hairy pie.
furgle v. To copulate rudely, crudely or noisily.
furry bicycle stand See fish mitten.
furry hoop See furry bicycle stand.
furry mongoose n. Bushy animal that eats snakes.
futz n. US Vagina.
fuzzbox n. A box (qv) easily distinguishable because of its fuzzy appearance; hairy pie.
fyst n. 15thC. Foul smelling fart.

G

gadzooks! exclam. Corruption of ‘God’s hooks’ (a reference to nails used in the crucifixion). Once a high ranking swear word, but now safe to use, even in front of the vicar.
gag v. To vomit; puke; spew.
gagging for it adj. What women are thought to be when viewed through beer goggles (qv) of higher magnification. Also choking for it.
gak n. Jizz; mess; manfat.
galloping knob rot n. VD; any painful social disease resulting in the production of gleet (qv) and the pissing of metaphoric tin tacks.
galloping the lizard v. Frenzied use of the wanking spanners (qv) to take the pant piston into sixth gear (qv). Also galloping the maggot.
gam v. Common abbreviation of gamahuche.
gamahuche (ga-ma-hoosh) v. The act of cunning your partner’s lingus. See French.
gammon flaps n. 1. Hole in a farmhouse door through which pigs come and go at will. 2. Beef curtains (qv). Also known as gammon goalposts.
gang bang n. A bike ride on which a group of males share one bicycle between them.
garbonzas See gazungas.
Gary Glitter rhym. slang Shitter. Also council gritter.
garlogies n. Knob cheese (qv). See also Helmetdale.
gash 1. n. Vulva. Conveniently rhymes with "Hoy, giz a flash of your..." 2. n. Plural of females; totty; blit; bush; talent.
gazoo n. Arse; bum.
gazunda . gozunda n. Potty; chamber pot.
gazungas See Gert Stonkers.
gay adj. Limp of wrist; tending to ask others to shut doors; critical of the "dust in here".
geek n. Freak.
geeze bag n. Wind bag; fart pants; prolific pump artist.
gender bender n. Effeminate, flowery male of indeterminate or obscure sexual orientation, e.g. Marc Almond out of Soft Cell.
genitalia failure n. To suffer loose sausage meat (qv), brewer’s droop; marshmallowing of the love muscle.
genital floss n. Skimpy bikini bottom. See also banana hammock.
gentleman’s relish n. A polite term for jizz (qv), such as what might be used by society folk at a tea party.
George v. US Roger.
German n. Water sports (qv). Compare talk German.
gertie n. 1. Fanny; minge. 2. collective Women; blart. As in "Let’s gan oot an’ gerrus a bit o’ gertie".
Gert Stonkers See gon-zagas.
get n. Bastard; twat. Often applied to children, prefixed "You cheeky little..." and accompanied by a swipe to the back of the head.
get a click v. To score; pull; tap off, with a view to getting boots (qv).
get boots v. US To get it on (qv); get your end away.
get it on v. To get off , get it up (qv) and get your oats.
get it up v. A significant part of getting your end away after getting off (qv).
get off teenage v. Get a click; first step towards getting your oats (qv).
get off at Edge Hill v. Coitus interruptus; withdrawal before ejaculation. Edge Hill is the last station before Liverpool Lime St. Also Edinburgh Haymarket, Newcastle Gateshead, Leeds Marsh Lane etc.
get up them stairs v. The cry from a chauvinist male to his wife which indicates that he has finished eating, drinking and watching football, and now wishes to retire to the bedroom to make an ungainly and flatulent attempt at sexual intercourse.
get wood v. The opposite of getting loose sausage meat (qv). Also get string.
get your oats See get your end away.
get your end away See get it on.
ghost shit n. Stool or dump of which there is no trace when you stand up and turn round to admire it. Compare crowd pleaser.
gib v. 1. To bullshit. 2. To gate crash. 3. To stick your old man (qv) up a chickens arse and slam its head in a draw. See also donkey punch.
gibbon gristle n. Penis.
gick n. Eire Shit.
gigglers n. Suspender belt. "Get past there and you’re laughing". Also giggle band.
giggling pin n. Penis.
gimp n. Physically inferior person; he or she of low esteem; cross between a wimp and a git, sort of thing.
ginger beer rhym. slang Willie Woofter.
gink n. Geek; short sighted man in a cheque suit and bowler hat.
give Ronaldo a rub down v. Celebrity slaphead wanking terminology. See also Strangle Kojak, take Captain Pickard to warp speed, Spurt Reynolds.
give the dog a bone v. To sexually satisfy a female. Also give the cat a goldfish.
glaze a knuckle v. To wank.
gleet n. Unpleasant mucropurelent discharge caused by gonorrhoea.
glob v. To emit viscous fluid slowly and rhythmically, especially gloy (qv) or similar substances.
glory hole n. US Of cottage (qv) plumbing, that hole made by bosching (qv), through which fudge packing pipes may be passed.
glory wipe n. The token arse wipe required after passing one of those rare but pleasant stools which slip out clean as a whistle leaving hardly a trace of Eartha Kitt (qv) on or around the balloon knot (qv). Compare ghost shit, crowd pleaser.
Gloy n. Mess; semen. From the paper glue once used in schools. As in "Oops, I think I’ve just trod on the Gloy bottle".
glue gun See goo gun.
gob 1. n. North and South. 2. v. To spit; hockle. 3. n. A body of lung butter (qv) so propelled.
gob job See blow job.
gobble n. Noise made by turkeys.
gobshite n. Scouse Someone who talks crap, like Liverpudlian hotel staff on fly-on-the-wall TV shows.
going down 1. What a bird does "on you" prior to giving you head (qv). 2. An expression often used to describe the imminent movement of a lift.
goit n. Geek; gork; gink; gonk. Another versatile ‘g’ insult.
golden shower n. A vile sex act; unfortunate mix-up in a crowded German bathroom. See also water sports.
golden rivet n. HMF Navy Freckle; the apple of the captain’s (qv) eye for sailors who polish the other end of the deck.
gonad glue See Gloy, Aphrodite’s Evostick.
gonk n. In rub-a-tug shops (qv) a customer; trick; John; a punter.
gonzagas See Guns of Nav-arone.
good afternoons n. South African How Sowetans greet a prominent Francis (qv).
goo gun n. Your pocket paste dispenser; jizz stick.
goolies n. The colloquialism for testicles least likely to offend a grandparent.
goose v. To tickle a sexually sensitive area, e.g. the arse. orig. To copulate.
gorblimey n. A type of trousers popular among council tenants in the 1950s.
gorilla salad n. Pubic hair. Compare gibbon gristle.
grape smugglers n. Tight gentlemen’s briefs, as worn by porno stars in the 1970s.
Greek n. The French (qv) suck it, the Dutch (qv) make a sausage sandwich (qv) with it, but the Greek supposedly prefer to dip it in chocolate sauce.
Greek sauna See Dutch oven.
grime bubble n. Fart; air biscuit.
grind v. To have sex; copulate. From the older descriptive term bump and grind.
grin like a wanking Jap sim. To grin broadly, as a Nissan executive might do as he turned (even more) Japanese (qv) as he neared the vinegar strokes (qv) on his approach to the Billy Mill roundabout (qv).
gristle thistle n. Persistent purple headed weed commonly occurring in moss cottage (qv) gardens.
groaner n. A turd so big that it cannot be expelled without vocal assistance. See also ‘U’ blocker.
grogan n. Scot. A log; turd.
grommet n. 1950s Totty.
grow a tail v. To defecate; build a log cabin.
growl at the badger v. To noisily scoff the hairy pie (qv).
grub See biffin.
grumble rhym. slang Cunt; quaynt; placket; Berkeley. From ‘grumble and grunt’.
grundle n. US Barse (qv).
grunties n. Jobbies; faeces.
grunts n. The type of ugly bints (qv) whose blurred Polaroid pictures appear on reader’s wives pages.
gubbed adj. Trousered; wankered.
guck See gunk.
guard’s van n. Of pulling a train (qv), the least desirable position in the queue. As in: "Bagsy I’m not in the guard’s van fellas". The last gang bangister on the bike.
guff v. To fart; let off.
guff cloud n. The noxious vapour produced by guffing.
guided muscle n. Penis. See also meat seeking pissile.
gums around the plums, get your v. Amorous suggestion made frivolously by a male to a female.
guns of Navarone n. Whoppers; tits; large breasts.
gurgler n. Toilet; shite pipe; drain. As in "Have you got a coat hanger? I was spewin’ up last night an’ I coughed me fuckin’ falsies down the gurgler".
gurk v. 1. To burp. 2. Aus. To fart.
gusset typist n. A woman who wanks. Also gusset pianist. As in "I’ve heard she plays the gusset piano".
gusset nuzzler n. Fanny nosher; lesbian.
gusset sugar n. A more romantic euphemism than muffdruff (qv) but essentially the same thing.
gut grunt n. A burbulent (qv) rumbling, or any subsequent anal emission.
gypsies (kiss) rhym. slang Piss.

H

haddock pastie See hairy cheque book.
hag n. Ugly woman; boiler; boot; steg; swamp donkey.
hairy beanbags n. Pink 70s style seating provided within the underpants for the exclusive use of the bald man, Spurt Reynolds (qv), Kojak, Captain Picard etc.
hairy cheque book See hairy cup.
hairy cup See hairy donut.
hairy donut See hairy lasso.
hairy goblet n. Ceremonial love chalice as referred to in the popular chat-up line "Let me lead you to the altar of desire, and there I shall drink the juice of love from your hairy goblet". Works every time.
hairy mits rhym. slang Tits. e.g. "Look at the hairy mits on that! I could do her through a hedge backwards (qv)".
hairy lasso See hairy pants.
hairy pants See hairy pie.
hairy pie n. Kipper; velcro triangle.
hairy saddlebags n. Scrots, usually, but also pissflaps.
hairy toffee n. Dangleberries (qv); Kling-ons.
half leapfrog v. To have sex in the doggies (qv) position.
half rice half chips adj. Switch hitter (qv); one who drinks from both taps; bowls from both ends; AC/DC.
hamburger n. Of the female anatomy, that which can be seen in a hamburger shot (qv).
hamburger shot n. A rear view in a pornographic magazine from which the curtain drop (qv) can be estimated.
ham fisted adj. Wanking. As in "His mum came in and caught him ham fisted".
ham howitzer n. A military field weapon descended from the lamb canon (qv).
hammock n. Panty liner; jam rag; sanitary towel. Compare banana hammock, nork hammock.
ham shank rhym. slang for a Barclays (qv).
Hampton (Wick) rhym. slang Dick (the principle joke in ‘Carry On Henry’). Also to get your Hampton Court - an accident involving a zip.
handful of sprats n. 1950s Fistful of fish fingers (qv).
hand job n. Manual relief; one of the cheaper services available at the rub-a-tug shop (qv), or in the pub car park. Compare topless relief.
hand shandy n. A frothy one, pulled off the wrist.
hand solo n. A solitary hand shandy.
hanging bacon See beef curtains, vertical bacon sandwich.
hanging salad n. Wedding tackle (qv).
hanky panky See slap and tickle.
ha’penny n. Vagina.
happy lamp n. Sixth gear stick. As in: "I’m horny (qv). Think I’ll give my happy lamp a quick buff".
happy sack n. Scrotum; hairy saddlebags.
hard on n. Wood; a bone on; bonk on. Compare wide on.
harlot n. Checkout girl at the rub-a-tug shop (qv).
Harry (Monk) rhym. slang Spunk.
have it off v. To get a bit (qv); have a portion (qv); give somebody one (qv).
have the painters in v. To menstruate; be on the blob (qv) during rag week (qv).
hawick (hoy-k) v. echoism To puke. After the Scottish border town. As in "I think I’m going to Hawick".
head n. Something which is given by women to men, and is afterwards described as "good" by the recipient when talking to friends.
headlamps n. Bristols (qv). As in: "Phewf! I wouldn’t mind giving her head lamps a rub". See other automotive parts spoilers, sixteen-valve, sixth gear stick.
heave v. To vomit; launch a pavement pizza (qv); release a loud technicolour yawn (qv).
heave a Havana v. Grow a tail; take a dump. See also bum cigar.
hee 1. n. Thai Minge; hairy cheque book. 2. interj. One of a series of noises made by laughing gnomes/policemen.
helicopters, attack of the n. Drunken rolling of the head; sudden reminder that you need to make an urgent call on the great white telephone. See talking on the great white telephone.
helmet See bobbies helmet, Roman helmet rumba.
Helmetdale n. A strong smelling, mature knob cheese (qv).
helmet pelmet n. Foreskin; Kojak’s roll-neck.
Herbie’s bonnet See beetle bonnet.
Hershey highway n. US equivalent of Bourneville boulevard, Cadbury alley.
Hershey highwayman n. Gentleman thief who shoots rusty sheriff’s badges (qv) with his mutton musket (qv).
hickies n. Slapper-speak for love bites; shag tags.
hide the salami n. A bed-time game for two players, one sausage and a hairy pie (qv). Also sink the salami, bury the bratwurst.
high pressure vein cane n. Penis; prick; tally-whacker; Hector the meat injector.
hipocrocadogapig n. The ultimate unattractive female; swamp donkey; steg, etc.
hissing Sid n. The name of the one eyed trouser snake (qv).
hitch-hiking under the big top v. Of wanking chariots (qv) and their owners, to shift into sixth gear; polish the tent pole.
hitching to heaven v. More meaty hands to glans combat.
Hitler tash n. Mapatasi (qv) or female pubic hair as neatly shaved to fit within the confines of a small bikini bottom.
hit and miss rhym. slang Piss.
hoeing the HP v. Uphill gardening (qv) on the brown sauce allotment.
hockmagandy n. The one day of the year when Scotsmen shag their wives.
hogans n. US Charlies; Gert Stonkers; Norma Snockers.
hog’s eye n. The service hatch through which perseverance soup (qv) arrives.
hole n. Ring; quoit; hoop.
holiday money n. Male genitalia; family jewels; meat and two veg.
homosexual n. A man or woman sexually attracted to members of his or her own sex. Often at bus stops. (From the Greek homos ecsuralos meaning ‘lifter of shirts’.)
honey alter See honey pot.
honeypot See hairy cheque book.
honkies n. Good afternoons (qv).
honk up See hoy up.
hooker n. US Prostitute.
hoop n. A ring; quoit.
hoop stretcher n. In kitchens, one who hides the salami (qv) in the tea towel holder (qv).
hootchie n. US Totty; blit; muff.
hootchie cootchie See jig-a-jig.
hooter n. Conk; neb.
hooters n. Bazookas; baps.
hop n. acronym Hang Over Poo. Giant, exceedingly loose stool, the noisy passing of which is a significant milestone in the recovery from a hang over. As in "Ahh! I feel much better after that hop. Anyone fancy a pint?"
hop into the horse’s collar v. Nip to the cockwash (qv).
horatio n. Posh Latin term used by doctors for oral sex on a man.
horizontal horticulture n. Opposite of uphill gardening.
horizontal jogging n. Heterosexual sexual intercourse.
horizontally accessible adj. To describe a slag; bike; yo-yo knickers.
horn n. Ceremonial symbol of a man’s affection for a woman, traditionally given by the woman to the man.
horny (ha-woo-neh!!) adj. The state of a man whilst in possession of the horn (qv).
horse’s doofers n. superlative Mutt’s nuts; dog’s bollocks; bees knees; donkey’s knob.
horse’s head, sitting on a v. Of queues for the toilet, a more extreme case of the turtle’s head (qv). As in "Hurry up will you, I’m sitting on a horse’s head out here".
horses collar n. Vagina. Also sim. to imply generous proportions, as in "She’s got a fanny like a horse’s collar" (as opposed to a mouse’s ear). See also cathedral.
hosebag n. Woman of loose morals. She with a fanny like a billposter’s bucket (qv).
hose job See blow job.
hose monster See hosebag.
hot adj. Condition which, in conjunction with horny (qv), is often used to describe non-existent women waiting on the end of expensive telephone sex lines, e.g. "Hot and horny bitches thirsty for your love seed".
hot dog n. An egg delicacy - something of an acquired taste - famously enjoyed by the gay cult actor Divine. v. To eat said morsel, freshly laid. Egg as in dog egg.
hot fish yoghurt n. Cream sauce filling for hairy pie (qv).
hot lunch n. See Cleveland steamer. Or better still, don’t.
hot meat injection See meat injection.
hots n. Reciprocal gift for a girl after she’s given you the horn (qv).
hotty n. US See Totty.
hound n. Dog; steg; boiler.
Howard’s Way rhym. slang Gay. From the shit BBC TV drama of the same name.
how’s your father n. Sex. Often prefixed "ahem". As in "Fancy a quick bit of... ahem... how’s your father?"
hoy up v. To throw up; heave; barf; spew.
huffle v. To bagpipe (qv). Robbie Burns, in 1066, wrote "Och! I shall huffle, and puffle, and blow your arm off".
hum 1. v. To ming; stink. 2. v. To sing with the lips closed, or as near to closed as possible during a hum job (qv).
humdinger n. A fart which makes the wallpaper peel.
hum job n. Vegetarian oral sex involving no meat, just two veg., accompanied by simultaneous humming of the musical variety.
hummer n. Arse; bum.
hump 1. v. To shag; have sex. (This term officially ceased to be popular slang in 1785). 2. v. To carry heavy amplification equipment to and from a live music venue whilst your arse sticks out the back of your jeans.
humpty n. The act of humping (qv).
hung like an Arab stallion adj. Donkey rigged; well endowed.
hung like a Chinese mouse adj. Opposite of hung like an Arab stallion (qv).
hungry arse n. Condition afflicting women in tight jeans whereby a crease in their pants appears to disappear up the crack of their arse. Compare camel’s foot.
hurl v. To hoy (up); call Huey.
hussy n. Shameless woman; drunk and an unfit mother.

I

I can’t believe it’s not batter Possible advertising slogan for KY Jelly. See fanny batter.
ICBM acronym Of modern day state of the art trouser weaponry, Inter Cuntinental Ballistic Missile. See also meat seeking pissile, guided muscle.
iced fingers n. Bakers confectionery-speak for the results of glazing the knuckle (qv).
I.B.M. 1. Itty Bitty Meat. A small penis. 2. Inches Below Muff. The units in which a skirt is measured.
interior decorating v. To apply the population paste (qv) with a purple headed womb broom (qv).
in the club adj. Up the duff; pregnant; pregas. abbr. in the pudding club.
impersonate Stalin v. To perform oral sex on a woman; don the beard; eat hairy pie. As in "Hold tight up there love, I’m just gonna do a quick impersonation of Stalin".
Irish 1. n. Heterosexual anal sex, supposedly as a means of contraception. Compare Vatican roulette. 2. rhym slang ‘Irish jig - wig’
Irish shave n. A dump.
Irish toothache n. Erection; bone. As in "Is that a gun in your pocket, or have you just got Irish toothache?"
iron (hoof) rhym. slang Poof.
I.R.S. Itchy Ring Syndrome. Irritating anal affliction caused by insufficient wiping of the chocolate starfish (qv), or by inflammation of the farmers (qv).
I say! interj. Caddish expression of delight upon seeing an attractive woman.
itch n. The feeling of sexual attraction towards his wife which a married man gets on average once every 7 years.
Itchypoo Park n. The area around the chocolate starfish (qv) during a bout of I.R.S. (qv).

J

jack off v. Whack off; choke the chicken; jerk the gherk-in. Compare jill off.
jack roll n. 1. S. African Gang bang. 2. US Mugging.
jacked up adj. To be celibate whilst suffering from a venereal disease.
jack shit n. Bugger all; sweet FA; zero; zilch.
jacksie n. Polite word for arse, especially in the recep recepticular context. e.g. "You can stick your fucking parking ticket up your jacksie, mate. I’m not paying".
jacksie rabbit n. Muddy funster; Hershey highwayman.
jack the beanstalk See jiggle the jewellery.
jail bait n. Worms dug up by tunnelling prisoners and later, after their escape, used for fishing.
jake n. 1. Proud monument erected in the memory of a nice pair of knockers you once saw, or a notable scene from a blue movie. 2. Scot. Ugly woman.
jamboree bags n. Funbags (qv).
jammer n. Jamaican Pud. See also wind jammer.
jam rag n. Tampon.
jam raid n. Crimson tidal movement which leaves tuna town (qv) inaccessible by skin boat (qv) at certain times of the month.
Jane n. Primarily a ladies lavatory, but being the opposite of John (qv) in all senses.
jang n. Dong.
Japanese flag n. Appearance of the arsehole when blighted by ring sting (qv). As in: "Aaagh! Ooyah! I’m sitting on a Japanese flag".
Jap’s eye n. Male urethral opening; hog’s eye.
jarred adj. Pissed; sloshed; wankered.
J. Arthur (Rank) rhym. slang Wank. For example, while watching blue movies Jonathon Ross might say: "Phwwoar! What I weally want wight now is a quick J. Arfur".
jazz n. 1. Fadge; mott. 2. Sex; intercourse.
jazz mag n. Printed volume of pornographic material; gentleman’s interest journal.
JB See Jodrell.
jelly hammock See drip tray.
jelly roll n. US 1. Fanny; muff; totty. 2. Sex; roll in the hay.
jelly water mangoes n. Large knockers; gazunkas.
Jenny n. US Boris; minge.
jerk n. Stupid, dim or dull person.
jerk off See jack off.
jerkin’ the gherkin v. Masturbatory variation on the rhyme plus cucumber/cock similarity theme.
jerkwad n. US Tosser; fuckwit; wankipants. Adaptable insult, literally a ‘masturbation bundle’.
jewels See family jewels.
jig-a-jig n. It (qv); jiggery pokery.
jigger 18thC n. That tool with which a man commits jiggery pokery (qv).
jiggered adj. Buggered; knackered; shagged out; jiggery poked.
jiggery pokery n. Shennanigans; ambiguous sexual goings on. As in "I’ll have no jiggery pokery going on under my roof".
jiggle the jewellery v. See jerkin the gherkin.
Jill off v. Female equivalent of Jack off (qv); paddle the pink canoe. Until it leaks.
Jimmy Riddle rhym. slang Vicar friendly term for a piddle.
jism n. Semen. Also gism, jissom, jizz, jizzom.
jit gel n. US The contents of a used condom once it has floated across the Atlantic.
jit gel rag n. US Any available object on which you wipe your cock after sex, e.g. tissues, T shirt, underpants, curtains.
jittler n. Helmet cheese.
jizz abbr. n. Jism; thp-unk. v. To shoot your load; come; ejaculate.
jizzbags n. Scrotum; John Wayne’s hairy saddlebags.
jizz jar n. Girlfriend. Probably considered derogatory, although you’d think they’d take it as a compliment.
Joan Collins’ knickers See tart’s window box.
job n. A Richard (qv). See also on the job.
jobby, a big Scotch Job.
jobby jouster n. A lunchbox lancer who jousts with another man’s jobs (qv).
jockies rhym. slang Nipples. Jockies whips - nips.
Jodrell (Bank) rhym. slang J. Arthur Rank (qv). From the Knuts... fnarr fnarr! (qv) ...ford space research centre.
John n. Percy, Willie etc. See also John Thomas.
John, a n. In prostitution, a client; Hillman Hunter.
John, the n. Toilet.
Johnny See rubber Johnny.
John Thomas n. The pet name by which Lady Chatterley’s lover (horizontal gardener Mellor) referred to his pink hoe in the controversial steamy novel by Harry Worth.
John Wayne’s hairy saddlebags See hairy saddlebags.
joombye (joom-bee) n. Scot. Jism; jizz; McSpunk.
josser n. 19thC Fuckwit or parasite. The ideal name for someone who is both.
joystick n. Of choppers (qv), the cockpit instrument or knob (qv) which gets throttled; trouser toy; pant plaything.
jubblies n. Breasts; funbags; pink pouffes. Sometimes "wubbly" jubblies.
jubnuts n. Bead curtains; dangleberries; dags.
jugs n. Female breasts. As in: "Pardon me madam, I was just admiring your lovely pair of jugs".
Julf acronym Jumped up little fucker; pushy twat.
junior n. US Penis, usually used in reference to one’s own.
jump v. To have sex. Also jump someone’s bones. e.g. "I feel like jumping on some bones tonight".

K

kahoonas (ka-hooo-naaaz) n. Large wobbly breasts; golden bodangers; kermungers; Gert Stonkers.
kak . ka ka See cack.
kak klaxon n. Rectal hooter from which loud anal honks are emitted, together with the occasional follow through (qv).
kakpipe cosmonaut n. He who prefers to dock in the rear unloading bay.
kangaroo shagging a spacehopper sim. Energetic sex or a promiscuous woman. As in "Bloody hell! I bet she goes like a kangaroo shagging a space hopper". Also shithouse door in the wind.
kazoo n. USA Butt; bum.
kecks . kegs n. Shreddies; trollies; underpants.
keck cackler n. He who cackles in his kecks. See keck cougher.
keck cougher n. He who burps backwards; emits under thunder (qv).
keech . keek n. Crap; kak.
keister n. kak hole; arse.
khaki buttonhole See chocolate starfish.
khazi n. Shitter; bog.
Khyber rhym. slang Arse. From Khyber Pass. Pass pronounced as in "me the cucumber sandwiches’".
kick with the left foot v. What players who arrive on the other bus (qv) tend to do; football equivalent of bowling from the Pavilion end (qv).
kidney wiper n. Slat (qv) rattler. See also purple headed womb broom.
kife n. 1. collective Blart; totty; birds. 2. Sex.
kilt See skirt.
kipper n. Billingsgate box; minge; captain’s pie.
kipper basting v. Shagging.
kipper for breakfast n. To rise early and go for a horizontal jog (qv); ideal cure for dawn horn (qv).
kissing tackle n. North and south; gob.
kiss the porcelain god See talking on the great white telephone.
Kit-Kat shuffler n. Masturbatoress; weasel buffer; gusset typist.
kitten hammock n. Bra.
kitten’s noses n. Nipples.
kling-ons n. 1. Winnets; dangleberries; anal hangers-on. 2. One of numerous races of Star Trek alien with bumpy foreheads.
klutz n. Thickhead. orig. German meaning ‘block of wood’.
knackers (na-kaz) n. Balls; nuts; testicles. As in: "Ooyaah! I’ve knacked me knackers!"
knee trembler n. Intercourse while both parties are standing up. Often in a shop doorway.
knicker bandit n. Raider of washing lines; Daz back doorstep challenger.
knob 1. n. Penis; prick; John Thomas. 2. v. To shag. As in "I knobbed the arse off her".
knob cheese n. 1. Smeg-ma. 2. Foreskin feta found underneath Kojak’s roll-neck (qv) and around the banjo (qv) or cheese ridge. Also knob Stilton, knob yoghurt, Helmetdale (qv).
knob chopper n. Precariously balanced lavatory seat which falls down while you’re having a piss and therefore must be held up manually.
knob head . knob end n. Fuck wit; thick head; oaf.
knob jockey n. Someone who sits on a door handle whilst the door is in motion for sexual gratification.
knob shiner n. Someone who is always prepared to polish a pink oboe (qv).
knocker nest n. Bra. See also over the shoulder boulder holder, kitten hammock.
knockers 1. n. Breasts. As in "What a lovely pair of knockers". 2. n. Of football punditry, those who have criticised a player in the past. As in "Well Brian, the lad has certainly had his knockers".
knocking shop n. Brothel; rub-a-tug parlour; pub or club where women go to be picked up; meat mart.
knock one on v. To have sex (with a partner).
knock one out v. To have sex (with yourself).
know, in the Biblical sense v. To have shagged. As in "Last year at Club 18-30 I knew about forty birds in a Biblical sense, in eight days! And another six sucked me off".
Kojak’s roll-neck n. Foreskin. Based on the slap headed lolly sucking 70s TV detective.
kosher dill n. Circumcised salami; Kojak minus the collar.
Kuwaiti tanker See merch-ant banker.
kweef n. US A pump (qv) from the front bottom (qv); a drop of the hat, forwards.

L

lab kebab n. abbr. Labia kebab. Vertical bacon sandwich; fur burger.
labia lard See fanny batter.
labrador lipstick n. Stalk; erection.
lace curtain n. Kojak’s roll-neck (qv).
Lady Chalk of Billingsgate n. Thrush; infection of the vagina. As in "I regret to announce that Lady Chalk of Billingsgate is visiting at this present time".
Lake Wendouree n. Aus. Ejaculation, e.g. "Oh my God... Uuughh! I’m in Lake Wendouree!" From the lake at Ballarat (qv) Australia.
langball n. Type of dangleberry (qv) which attaches itself to John Wayne’s hairy saddlebags (qv).
langer n. Penis.
langered See lathered.
lamb cannon n. An arms development dating somewhere between the mutton musket (qv) and the bacon bazooka (qv).
lapper n. Pink oboe (qv) virtuoso; hairy pie eater.
lash on, get a bit v. To find some female company. As in "Howay, let’s gan oot an’ get a bit lash on".
last meat supper n. Final fling before marriage. It’s all fish suppers (qv) thereafter.
lathered adj. Pissed; plastered; palatic.
launch your lunch v. To laugh liquidly. See liquid laughter.
lavatory n. Smallest room; little house; loo; water closet; convenience; place of easement; shithouse; crapper; privy; bog; latrine; cackatorium; temple of cloacina; toilet; kharzi; thunder box; comfort station.
lavender n. Male homosexual.
lavender marriage n. Any matrimonial coupling about which there is a whiff of lavender (qv).
lay n. Prospective or past sexual partner. As in "I knew your wife many years ago. She was a terrific lay".
lay a cable v. Build a log cabin; grow a tail; drop a copper bolt. See also cable laying.
lay-and-display n. A type of European lavatory where the stool lands on a dry porcelain surface prior to being flushed away.
lazy lob on n. Semi erect penis; dobber.
lead in your pencil, to have adj. To be with big beef olive rather than loose sausage meat (qv).
lead the llama to the lift shaft v. Point Percy at the vagina.
leg lifter n. Benefactor (qv). Somebody who breaks company (qv).
leg man n. He who prefers legs to tits or arses.
leg over n. A sausage and donut situation (qv). As in "Did you get your leg over?" "No, but I got tops and three fingers".
left-footer n. Gay or catholic person, but ideally one who is both.
left the lid off the glue-pot v. To smell of spunk. As in "Poo! Someone’s left the lid off the gluepot".
length n. A vague unit of sex, as is often "slipped" to a woman by a man. See also one.
Leo Sayer rhym. slang All dayer. Bender; prolonged drinking session; all day party.
lepidopterist n. Person who collects butterflies e.g. Val Doonican.
lesbiany (lez-bee-uh-nee) adj. Appertaining to lesbianism. For example, in a rub-a-tug shop (qv) one might enquire "Any chance of you and your mate doing something lesbiany?"
lesbo n. Tuppence licker; bean flicker; carpet muncher; lickalotapus; dyke.
let off v. To fart; blow off; launch an air biscuit.
let one go v. The pre-planned release of a fart into the wild.
let Percy in the playpen n. Consent to intercourse; allow Percy (qv) into the tunnel for a shunt.
let rip v. Fart; blast off.
lettuce n. Piss flaps.
lettuce licker n. Lesbian; bean flicker; tuppence licker.
lezza See lesbo.
lezzo boots n. Any clumpy, unfeminine footwear worn by women. The opposite of fuck me shoes.
lickalotopus n. Scientific name for a tuppence licker (qv) of prehistoric reptilian proportions.
lick both sides of the stamp v. To drive on both sides of the road; travel on both buses; AD/DC.
lid n. Bit above the brim (qv).
lifting the cheek v. The sly behaviour of a cushion creeper (qv).
lils n. 1950s/60s Tits.
lingam n. Ancient Hindu Penis. One of a pair, the other being yoni (qv).
lip reading v. Observing women in tight pants who have the camel’s foot (qv). As in "If she bends over any more I’ll be able to read her lips from here". See also Twix lips, mumblers.
lip ring n. A lipstick line around the pork sword (qv) showing how far it has been swallowed.
lipstick lesbian n. Glamorous, feminine female homosexual, as found on the adult channel but rarely down the pub.
liquid laughter n. Puke; psychedelic yodelling.
little death n. French In a male, the post bonk feeling of shagged outity.
living in the Pavilion v. Intensifier of bowling from the Pavilion end (qv). As in "He doesn’t bowl from the Pavilion end, mate. That one lives in the fucking Pavilion".
lobcock n. A large, flaccid penis such as could be lobbed onto a pub table by its drunken owner.
log n. Bum cigar; brown trout.
log cabin See build a log cabin.
loon pipe n. Anus.
loop the loop v. To order a vertical bacon sandwich (qv) to eat out and a drink on a stick (qv) for the lady; No.69 on the menu.
loose at the hilt adj. To have diarrhoea; crop spray (qv).
loose sausage meat n. Flaccid penis which cannot be funnelled into a condom. As in "Sorry love, my sausage meat seems a bit loose". See also stuffing the marshmallow.
lose your manners v. To fart.
lose your mess v. Ejaculate; shoot your load.
lotties n. Breasts.
love bumps n. Funbags; guns of Navarone.
love juice n. That liquid produced in the Billingsgate box (qv) upon which the skin boat (qv) sails. Often referred to as luv jooz in 1970s scud literature.
love palace n. That magical place which lies within the palace gates (qv).
love socket n. Vagina; entry point for the main cable (qv). Also rocket socket, serpent socket, spam socket.
love puff n. Gentle air biscuit (qv) launched in the direction of your partner in bed, often the morning after a curry, in an attempt to cement the intimacy of the moment. See also Dutch oven.
love sausage n. Banger served with love spuds (qv).
love spuds n. Root vegetable found in the shreddies (qv).
love torpedo n. Penis. As in: "I sank her bacon battleship with my purple-hot love torpedo".
love truncheon See love torpedo.
love tunnel n. That place in which Percy (qv) the small engine shunts his load.
lucky Pierre n. In botting (qv) circles, the busiest botting link in a three man bum chain (qv); the filling in a shirt lifter sandwich.
lunchbox n. In British tabloid journalism, that conspicuous bulge which appears in athlete Linford Christie’s shorts; packet.
lunchbox lancer n. archaic Mediaeval term for a cocoa shunter (qv). First used by King Arthur to describe the French army. In 562 AD he wrote: "Fear not the French, for their knights are without heart, and their King without wisdom. But keep thine backs as to the wall, for amongst their number thou shalt find more than a few lunchbox lancers, I can tell you".
luncheon truncheon See spam javelin.
lunching at the Lazy Y v. Dining out cowboy style, on hairy pie (qv), beans and coffee.
lung butter n. Phlegm; green smoking oysters.
lychees n. A sweeter, more exotic knacker-speak alternative to plums (qv).

M

mac in the bath n. English overcoat; French letter. In the same vein wellies on the beach.
mack n. Penis; tadger.
mackerel n. Pimp; controller of prostitutes.
Madam Palm and her five sisters n. A wank. As in: "I’m nipping off to bed with Madam Palm and her five sisters". See also Palmela Handerson.
main cable n. Your live seed (qv) feed into the love socket (qv).
make a bald man cry v. Masturbate. As in "Have you seen page 3 of The Sun today? It’s enough to make a bald man cry".
make babies v. To go bone jumping; horizontal jogging.
make like a Chinese helicopter pilot v. Masturbate; grin like a wanking Jap (qv) whilst polishing the joystick (qv).
makes your shit hang sideways adj. Is annoying. As in "That guy makes my shit hang sideways".
mambas See mammaries.
mammaries n. Mammary glands; swinging pink milk churns; knockers.
mammary dandruff n. Morning after residue from a sausage sandwich (qv); remains of a pearl necklace (qv). Compare muffdruff.
manfat n. Semen. Also man milk.
manging See minging.
mangoes See jelly water mangoes.
manhood n. Of British tabloid journalism, the penis.
man mayonnaise n. See manfat, gentleman’s relish.
man trap n. Female genitals; hairy love pit, one-eyed trouser snake snare.
mapatasi (ma-pa-ta-zee) n. Aus. Minge. As in: "Show us yer mapatasi, Sheila". abbr. Map of Tasmania. From the similarity in shape of said island to a muff.
map of Africa n. The unfortunate stain left on the bed sheet and often the mattress below after an exchange of bodily fluids. Also map of Ireland.
maracas n. Knackers; clackers; those that swing beneath tallywhackers.
marge n. A loose woman. origin. Margarine, which ‘spreads easily’.
margold n. The ability to do five pop shots (qv) in two hours. To ‘do a margold’. After a boast by porn actor Bill Margold on Channel 4’s After Dark.
marks out of two? prompt From one ogling male to another, to cue the reply "I’d give her one".
marmalade madam n. 17thC. Tom; doxy; flapper; laced mutton.
Marmite driller n. Workman on the Marmite motorway (qv).
Marmite motorway n. Anus; arse; back passage.
Marmite stripe n. Brown stain or skidmark (qv) found on unwashed shreddies (qv). See also russet gusset.
Mary n. 1. Sponge; pillow biter; angel. 2. Bean flicker.
mattress muncher See pillow biter.
meat and two veg. n. Pork sausage and love spuds (qv).
meat flute See bed flute.
meat injection n. An inoculation against virginity; the taking of girl’s internal temperature with the pink, hot, mercury spitting thermometer.
meat market n. Bar or club where birds with short skirts and blotchy legs dance with their handbags, waiting for a pull (qv). Also meat rack.
meat seeking pissile n. Penis; love torpedo. See also ICBM, guided muscle.
melons n. Female breasts. Also available from the double entendre fruit stall large pears, have a banana, nice plums, luv-er-ly bunches of coconuts etc.
melvin v. To grab by the balls.
merchant (banker) rhym. slang Wanker.
merkin n. Manmade mapatasi; a stoat syrup; pubic Irish.
mess n. Semen; gunk; cock hockle. See also lose your mess.
mezoomas n. Pink velvet cushions on which the family jeweller prefers to display a pearl necklace (qv).
Michaels rhym. slang Piles. From the 1970s TV game show host Michael Miles. As in "These nylon trollies don’t half chaff me Michaels".
Mickey n. Irish. Dick.
middle leg n. Penis. Also middle stump, third leg.
milk the snake v. Snake, as in one eyed trouser. Milk, as in the creamy stuff delivered by the milkman (qv).
milkman n. Spurt Reynolds (qv); John Thomas.
milk the milkman See milk the snake.
milk race n. 1. Adolescent wanking game for two or more public school children. 2. A barrack room toss-up to decide who eats the last cream cracker.
mince medallions n. Dangleberries; kling-ons.
ming 1. Scotch v. To emit a foul smell. As in: "Hoots mon, it’s minging in here!" 2. v. To exude ugliness. As in: "In the 80s Peter Beardsley’s perm was minging". 3. The bill 4. The evil Emperor in Flash Gordon.
minge (minnnn-j) n. Fanny; quim.
minge binge n. The frantic fish eating spree of the gash gannet.
minge mat n. Mapatasi; velcro triangle.
minge winker n. 1. Strip tease artist. 2. She who flashes her gash, e.g. whilst folding her legs.
mink n. A more up-market name for the wife’s beaver (qv).
minnie moo n. Minge.
Miss Lincolnshire n. Any woman with spaniel’s ears (qv). See also Dutch Alps.
mohair knickers n. Large, unruly minnie moo (qv); one with spiders legs (qv).
moist and meaty adj. Alliterating adjectives used extensively to describe the female and male genitals respectively, as well as dog food.
monkey n. Vagina. As in: "Does the monkey want a banana?"
monkey’s chin n. Twix lips; beetle bonnet; prominent mound of Venus. As in "Check the fucking monkey’s chin on that!"
monkey’s forehead n. 1. velcro triangle; mapatasi. 2. The front top bit of Sunderland manager Peter Reid’s heed.
Montezuma’s revenge n. A term for diarrhoea not appreciated by Mexicans. Also the Tijuana cha-cha (qv).
moo n. Long suffering wife. As in "Where’s me bladdy tea, eh? You silly old moo".
moosen. Boiler; steg. Often a feminist with hairy armpits.
moped n. Fat woman. Fun to ride, but you wouldn’t tell your mates about it.
more tea vicar? Faux farcical attempt to distract clergyman after the launch of an air biscuit (qv) now widely used to diffuse post fart tension. One of many popular postflatulus remarks including sew a button on that, catch that one and paint it blue, good health!, pin a tail on that and there goes the elephant.
morning glory n. The appearance of a tent pole (qv) first thing in the morning. See also dawn horn.
moss cottage n. The ideal home for John Thomas.
mott n. Minge; mapatasi.
mound of Venus n. Craggy outcrop above salmon canyon (qv) usually hidden by a dense covering of bush (qv). Also beetle bonnet, monkey’s forehead.
mount v. To (hairy) saddle-(bag) up and ride.
mouse’s ear sim. Opposite of a horse’s collar (qv).
Mr Happy’s business suit n. Condom.
Mr Jones 1. 19thC n. Penis. 2. A butcher who frequently purports that "they don’t like it up ‘em".
Mr Sausage n. The excitable trouser man.
Mr Whippy n. Flagellation; corporal punishment dished out at rug-a-tug shops (qv).
muck n. Mess (qv); baby bullion; load. As in "Shoot your muck".
muck spreader n. Arse; bum.
mud n. Excrement.
muddy funster n. Botter (qv); anal Swampy; he who supposedly tunnels in mud (qv).
mud hole n. That hole from which you blow mud (qv); crop sprayer; cable layer.
mud valve mechanic See brown pipe engineer.
mudeye n. Arse; ringpiece; your old fashioned plastic tea towel holder.
muff 1. n. Minge; fanny. 2. v. To shag; have intercourse with. 3. v. To fluff (not to be confused with fluffer (qv)); miss an easy goal scoring opportunity, e.g. "Oh fuck! Andy Cole has muffed it".
muff diver n. A footballer who misses an easy goal scoring opportunity, then falls over in an attempt to win a penalty kick.
muff diver’s dental floss n. Female pubic hair.
muff huff n. Menstruation or PMT. See also period drama.
muff nudge n. The light brushing of your favourite female hairdresser’s beetle bonnet (qv) against your elbows while she leans forward to cut your hair.
muffin 1. n. Bread based bakery product. 2. Present tense of the verb to muff. 3. n. 1960s TV mule whose name remains a source of perpetual hilarity among the elderly and infirm. Also fresh from the bakery crumpet, tiffin.
mullered See langered.
mullet n. That strange haircut favoured by country and western singers and eighties footballers.
mulligan n. Aus. Penis.
mumblers n. Tight women’s bicycle shorts through which you "see the lips move but can’t understand a word". See also Twix lips, camel’s foot, hungry arse, lip reading.
mung n. Particularly runny type of arse feta (qv).
municipal cockwash n. Bike; box of assorted creams; buttered bun. See cockwash.
musical vegetables n. Baked beans, as eaten by cowboys and trouser trumpeteers.
mustang n. Of shitty arses, that stubborn dangleberry (qv) which cannot be shaken off.
mutton musket n. A smaller more portable field weapon than the lamb cannon (qv). Also mutton bayonet, mutton dagger.
mutt’s nuts adj. Canine contraction of dog’s bollocks.

N

nads n. Knackers; testicles; plums. (abbr. gonads). US nards.
nadbag n. Nutsack; pod pouch; scrot sling.
nauticals rhym. slang Piles. From ‘nautical miles’.
navigator of the windward pass n. Rear admiral (qv).
neddies See nellies.
nellies n. Knockers; tits.
nether eye n. That single unseeing eye, situated in the nether region, which cries brown, lumpy tears.
nether throat n. In farting, the poot chute; botty bugle. As in "Pardon me while I clear my nether throat".
nettie n. Outside loo; clart cabin; shite house.
niags rhym. slang Testicles. From Niagra Falls - balls.
nick bent adj. Temporarily travelling on the other bus (qv) whilst staying at Her Majesty’s pleasure.
niffkin’s bridge n. Female equivalent of the biffin bridge or barse (qv).
nine-bob-note, as bent as a sim. Gay.
nob v. To shag; poke; penetrate with the knob (qv).
Nobbies rhym. slang. Piles; From Nobby Stiles, a 1966 version of Paul Ince.
noddy n. Condom; French letter; cock ‘holder’.
nodge v. To observe the sexual activity of others.
nodger n. Peeping Tom; voyeur. Wanker who prefers to wank "live" rather than to a video.
nocturnal emission n. Doctalk for a wet dream.
nookey 1. n. Sex, only a bit (qv) of which it is advisable to have at any one time, and therefore: 2. A ‘humorous’ name for a ventriloquist’s dummy.
nork hammock n. Of female fashions, a halter neck top.
norks n. Tits; knockers. Also norkers, norgs, norgers. See also nork hammock.
Norma Snockers n. Wieldy bo jangles (qv). See also Gert Stonkers.
norton n. Bearded clam.
nosh (someone) off v. To perform philately on a woman; eat hairy pie. Female equivalent of to suck (someone) off.
nudger n. Gay male or gay male’s penis. Also fudge nudger.
nuggets n. 1. Testicles. 2. Any inedible part of a chicken or turkey, when coated in batter or breadcrumbs.
number one n. A penny; tinkle.
number two n. A sit down; tuppence.
nunga munching v. The ganneting of hairy pie (qv); the doing of horatio (qv).
nunnery n. Elizabethan name for a rub-a-tug shop (qv) from an age when nuns were widely believed to wear yo-yo knickers (qv).
nuts n. Clackers; knackers; hairy conkers; marbles; bollocks; pods.
nut custard See banana yoghurt.
nuts 1. n. Knackers; scrotum and/or its contents, as in "I’m going to shave my nuts". 2. adj. Mad, as in "Shave your nuts? You must be nuts". 3. n. Things that monkey’s eat. As in "That monkey’s nuts. I gave it some nuts and its rubbing them on its nuts".
nut chokers n. Kecks; shreddies; thunder bags.
nut sack n. Scrotum; nad bag.
nymph n. Sexy young bird.
nympho n. Sex crazed bird that’s gagging for it (qv) 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The sort who would shag a pneumatic drill and blow up the generator.

O

oats n.A portion (qv) which you get during sex.
oil the bat v. Polish the pork sword; lubricate the lamb canon.
off your face adj. Shitfaced.
off your trolley adj. Hatstand; mental.
olivia v. To have sex with several filthy tramps on a piss stained mattress, all at once.
oil the truncheon v. To buff up the bobbies helmet; collect kindling; wank.
old holborn n. The frayed edges of the velcro triangle (qv); a pant moustache (qv). See also spiders legs.
old man n. Penis. As in "The old man’s been out of work for six months. Most days we play pocket billiards (qv) to keep him occupied". Also old fella.
onanism (oh-nuh-nism) n. 1. Incomplete sexual intercourse. 2. A posh word what the Queen might use for wanking and that.
one cheek sneak n. The stealthy approach to shooting bunnies (qv). From a sitting position, lifting one buttock in order to slide out an aurally undetected air biscuit (qv). See also cushion creeper, leg lifter.
one-eyed trouser snake n. Gentleman’s pant python; sex serpent; cock.
one-eyed Willie n. Penis.
one-eyed Willie’s eye patch n. Condom; English overcoat.
one n. A non-specific unit of sex "given" to a woman by a man. See also portion.
one eyed trouser snake See one eyed pant python.
one eyed pant python See one eyed zipper fish
one eyed zipper fish See Cyclops.
one handed mag n. Jazz magazine; rhythm read; art pamphlet; porny periodical.
one holed flute See bed flute.
one in the pump, to have v. To have the hots for a female. As in "Phoar! I’ve got one in the pump for her, I can tell you". Drinking parlance for a pint paid for but not yet poured.
one off the wrist v. Five knuckle shuffle; wank; hand shandy.
on the bonk adj. Sergeant Sausage when standing to attention.
on the blob adj. Riding the menstrual cycle; having the painters in; flags are out.
on the hoy adj. On the piss; on the razz; hoying it doon ya neck, and then back up again.
on the job adj. At it (qv). Busying oneself with the partner’s plumbing.
on the other bus adj. Homosexual; bowling from the Pavilion end.
on the pull adj. Fishing for kipper (qv).
on the salmon See salmon.
on the slipway adj. Of stools and stool movement, to have the turtles head (qv). As in "Get out of that fucking bathroom will you, I’ve got one on the slipway".
on the sniff See on the pull.
on the tap See oot on the tap.
oomph! n. Sex appeal, as in "By crikey, she’s got some oomph!"
oot on the tap adj. Out on the pull (qv), as opposed to on the hoy (qv).
open your lunchbox v. To float an air biscuit (qv) reminiscent of yesterday’s egg sandwiches in odour.
orchestras rhym. slang Orchestra stalls - balls.
orgasm See fanny bomb, ring the bell, shoot your load, chuck your muck.
Oscar n. US Dick; penis.
other, a bit of the See hanky panky.
otter’s nose n. When getting fingers and tops (qv), that which is felt by the former. As in "I got a result last night. I touched the otter’s nose".
over the shoulder boulder holder n. Industrial bra; heavy lifting apparatus for jelly water mangoes (qv).
owner operator n. Wanker; a knight who wields his pork sword for pleasure, not for the benefit of fair maidens.
own up v. In a breaking company (qv) situation, to identify oneself as the benefactor (qv).

P

packet n. The contents of the kecks (qv) visible in relief upon the trouser leg. Male equivalent of the camel’s foot (qv).
paddle the pink canoe v. More relaxed version of whitewater wristing (qv) for girls. Weekend recreational pursuit of the gusset typist (qv).
painters See have the painters in.
painting the ceiling v. Hitch hiking with the big top removed; the one handed snake charming of the pant python.
paisley removal n. Pointing Percy (qv) directly at an area of pebble dashing (qv) in order to amuse oneself during a Chinese singing lesson (qv). See also piss polo.
palace gates n. Fanny lips; beef curtains (qv).
Palmela and her five sisters See Madam Palm.
Palmela Handerson n. Your dream date to go out for a cruise in the wanking chariot (qv).
pander v. To act as a go-between in an act of sexual intrigue. For example, to go and buy a hamster and some parcel tape for that odd couple in the flat below. n. panderer.
pantie hamster n. Minge.
pan handle n. Erect penis; wood; stalk; a bonk on.
pant hamster n. Natural prey of the one-eyed trouser snake.
pant moustache n. Effect achieved when the mapatasi (qv) extends symmetrically beyond either side of the shreddies (qv). See also spider’s legs.
pants 1. interj. Exclamation of dismay. 2. n. Rubbish; shit; pig’s arse; bollocks. As in: "You’re talking pants!".
papper v. To shit. As in "Oh no, I think I just pappered me trollies (qv)".
paps n. Olde Worlde Tits.
parallel parked adj. In bed together; having sex. e.g. "Were you parallel parked with her last night?" "Not half! I was up to the bumper (qv) mate".
parfume de plop n. Acrid odour which accompanies a twin tone (qv) and heralds the arrival in the bomb bay (qv) of a Peter O’Toole.
park the custard v. To vomit.
park the fudge v. To shit; pass a stool; crimp off a length.
park the pink bus v. To slip a lady a length (qv). As in "Time for bed. Come on, let’s park the pink bus in the furry garage".
park the tiger v. To puke; yodel; let out a techinicolour yawn.
parlour n. Back passage. As in "His pork prescription was most efficacious, taken in the parlour of course".
park your breakfast v. Light a bum cigar; lay a cable.
particulars n. Of low budget British sex comedies involving police officers, ladies underwear; knickers. As in "Hex-scuse me med’m, but I h-may need to take down a few particulars". (Fnarr fnarr! (qv))
passion flaps n. A more romantic alternative to piss flaps.
passion pit n. Bed. See also fart sack, scratcher, wanking chariot.
passion wagon n. Clapped out van, usually a Ford Transit, with blacked out windows and a piss stained mattress and several empty beer cans in the back. Also shag wagon.
pavement pizza n. The contents of your stomach as they appear after barfing (qv) in the street; a parked tiger.
pearl necklace n. Those globular consequences of having a sausage sandwich (qv) at the Billy Mill roundabout (qv). As in "I gave her a beautiful pearl necklace".
pebble dash v. To crop spray (qv) the toilet bowl with clarts (qv).
pecker 1. US n. Penis. 2. UK n. Nose.
pee See piss.
peel v. 1. To strip; pose nude. 2. When so doing, to draw back the beef curtains (qv). As in "Crikey, have you seen Fiesta? I never knew Joanne Guest was a peeler".
peeling the carrot v. Spanking the monkey.
penis n. The Right Honourable Member for Underpants.
Percy 1. UK n. Penis. As in: "I’m just off to point Percy at the porcelain". 2. A small green 0-4-0 saddle tank steam locomotive created by the Rev. W. Awdry.
period drama n. Moody and erratic behaviour of women at times of menstruation.
perseverance soup n. orig. Japan The tiny tears from the hog’s eye (qv) which precede ejaculation; clear secretion which lubricates the glans; that which comes out of the kitchen before the main course. See also dew on the lily.
personalities n. Breasts. As in "My, you’ve got a lovely pair of personalities". (Fnarr fnarr (qv)). See also balkans, charms.
phantom farter n. An anonymous benefactor (qv).
piddle See pee.
pie See hairy pie, Captain’s pie.
pillicock n. Archaic word for penis.
pillock n. Tame, TV sitcom-friendly insult. Possible derivation of pillicock.
pillow biter n. One who bites their pillow, often in a moment of uphill horticultural delight. Also mattress muncher.
pills n. Pods; knackers.
pilot of the chocolate runway See navigator of the Wind-ward passage.
pinch a loaf See curl one off.
pineapple (chunk) rhym. slang Spunk.
pink, the n. Female genitals. See also pot pink, pot brown, easy pink, snookered behind the red.
pink cigar n. Penis. As in "Tell me Madame, do you per chance smoke the pink cigar?" Not to be confused with bum cigar (qv).
pink Darth Vader n. Knob. From the Star Wars character with a bell end (qv) helmet. From the same film shake hands with the Wookie, Hand Solo.
pink oboe n. Penis. As in: "I have a great passion for music. Tell me, do you play the pink oboe?"
pink pillows n. Ladies love cushions; bosoms.
pink steel n. Even harder than wood (qv).
pink ticket n. Imaginary vadge (qv) visa issued to a husband when he spends the night apart from his wife. As in "Eureka! I’ve got my pink ticket for the conference on Tuesday".
pink velvet sausage wallet n. Vagina; muff.
pintle n. Olde Worlde Penis.
pipe cleaner See chimney sweep.
pipe smoker 1. US n. Botter (qv). 2. A person who smokes a pipe.
pirate of men’s pants n. Swashbuckling term for your jolly Rogerer; cock; penis.
piss See pee.
piss flaps 1. n. Labia; beef curtains. 2. interj. Exclamation of disappointment. As in "Oh piss-flaps! I never win the Lottery!"
pissing in the wind v. Wasting your time; attempting the impossible.
piss it v. To do something piss simple, piss easily.
piss it up the wall v. To waste money on drink.
piss on your chips v. To put yourself at a long-term disadvantage through a foolhardy short-term action. As in "Beckham really pissed on his chips when he kicked that Argie".
piss polo n. Game whereby disinfectant tablets are pointlessly manoeuvred in a urinal trough by the participant’s piss streams. For more lavatorial amusement see paisley removal.
piss pot n. 1. Lavatory bowl. 2. Idiot; fool.
piss rusty water v. To pass liquid diarrhoea.
piss up n. An ale soiree; social gathering of boozing companions.
pitch a tent v. To get wood (qv) either beneath the bed linen, or conspicuously in your trousers.
pit prop n. Strategic structural member found in a passion pit (qv); tent pole; dawn horn.
placket n. Archaic Cunt.
plate v. Rub-a-tug shop (qv) parlance for performing horatio; giving head.
playing the bone-a-phone v. Wanking; pulling yourself a hand shandy; playing the one string banjo.
play the back nine v. Irish (qv) golf; use your wood to play into the bunker; get the dog in the bathtub.
play the pink oboe v. To perform oral sex on a man. Often to denote homosexuality, as in "I didn’t know Michael Barrymore played the pink oboe". Also pink piccolo.
play the whale v. To spew.
pleasure v. Tabloidese To suck or wank off. A sex act (qv) in the approving sense.
plinth v. Of males on the job (qv), to manoeuvre yourself into a comfortable position for penetration.
plonker n. 1. Penis. 2. Crap put down line from Britain’s most tedious TV sitcom.
plums n. Knackers; balls; testicles. See melons.
plumber’s toolbag n. Furry bicycle stand (qv); mott.
plunker n. US Johnny; a jump (qv) suit for a plonker (qv).
Plymouth Argyles rhym. slang Piles.
poe slap n. Rubbing of the bald genie’s lamp; awakening of the bacon; a wank.
poblycwm n. Welsh Literally ‘People who like quim (qv)’.
pocket billiards n. A game for one player, two balls, and a cock.
pocket fisherman n. He who plays with his tackle through his trouser pockets.
pocket frog n. A fart; botty burp; anal announcement.
pocket pinball See pocket billiards.
pocket rocket See porridge gun.
poe n. Vagina.
poe slap n. Sanitary towel.
pogue mahone Gaelic Kiss my arse, to be sure.
pogie n. US Where American plonkers (qv) go dressed in their plunkers (qv).
point Percy at the porce-lain v. Train Terrence at the terracotta. See Percy.
poke v. What plonkers (qv) do to pogies (qv).
pole vault n. Vagina; stench trench; strong room where the spam sceptre (qv) can be safely housed.
polish the lighthouse v. To masturbate in the bath.
polony party n. A social gathering of two or more consenting adults where games include hide the sausage, park the salami and split the kipper.
pompom n. Jamaica Vagina.
ponce n. 1. Pimp. 2. Brian Sewell sound alike.
pong n. The smell of a poot (qv).
pony rhym. slang Pony and trap - crap.
poo 1. (poooooo!!) exclam. A word spoken with fingers on nostrils to describe an unpleasant odour. 2. n. Shit.
poof See poofter.
poofter See poove.
poon n. Fanny; crumpet; toosh. "I guess this means my poon days are over" (John F. Kennedy after his inauguration in Jan. 1961). "Knickers off, this is poon city!" (Bill Clinton after his inauguration in Jan. 1993).
poo packer See marmite driller.
poop catchers n. Knickers; cack catchers.
poop chute n. Bumhole; arse.
poo pipe pirate n. Jolly rogerer; pirate of men’s pants (qv).
poot v. To sound one’s botty bugle, often after eating musical vegetables (qv).
pooter n. The bum bellows with which you poot (qv); the poot flute.
poot flute n. Trouser trumpet; singing ring; botty bugle; bumhole.
poove See puff.
popazogalou n. Blow job. From the name of the rub-a-tug shop (qv) landlord in the film Personal Services who accepted payment in kind.
pop your cherry v. Lose your virginity; break your duck.
poppycock n. Nonsense. orig. From Dutch pappekak meaning ‘soft shit’.
pop shot n. Scene in a pornographic movie in which a male actor is required to splash his population paste (qv) on camera, after being suitably prepared by the fluffer (qv). See also margold.
population paste n. Joy gloy; semen; spunk; Aphrodite’s evostick.
pork v. To shag. As in "I couldn’t pork her because she had the painters in".
pork prescription n. 1. Cock, to be swallowed twice a day before meals. 2. Doctor’s authorisation for a meat injection (qv).
pork sword n. Penis; bacon bazooka; lamb cannon etc.
porridge gun n. Tool for distributing population paste (qv) quickly and efficiently.
portion n. A large but non-specific quantity of sex. As in: "I’d give her a portion, and no mistake". See also one, length.
posh wank n. A mess free masturbatory manoeuvre undertaken whilst wearing an English overcoat (qv).
pot brown v. Bury the bone on (qv) in kak canyon (qv).
pot pink v. Moor the skin boat (qv) in cod cove (qv). See also snookered behind the red, difficult brown etc.
potty-mouth n. US Someone who repeats words from this book in conversation.
pouch n. An ageing, saggy mott (qv) that hangs like a sporran.
pound the pork v. Of pinksmiths, to pummel a hot pork sword (qv) into shape. Also pound the pudding.
pox n. Venereal disease, specifically syphilis.
pranny n. Fool; arsehole. A form of insult popular amongst The Troggs during the 1960s. Also prannet.
pratt n. Pranny; fuckwit; arsehole.
pre-cum n. Substance often referred to in the letters pages of jazz magazines but rarely mentioned elsewhere. See perseverance soup; dew on the lily.
premature pinch n. The snipping off of an unsmoked bum cigar (qv) as when disturbed in the act, by an important telephone call for example.
prick 1. n. A penis. 2. n. A twat; fuckwit; fool. 3. n. A life threatening finger injury often suffered by fairy tale princesses.
prick tease See cock tease.
privates n. Inoffensive uni-sex term for genitalia invented by the Women’s Institute in 1904. At the opposite end of the rudeness scale to fuckstick, bollocks and cunt.
psychedelic yodelling n. Vocal projection of your biscuits (qv) out your mouth.
pud n. Penis. That which was always pulled by Ivor Biggun, of ‘Wanking Song’ pop fame (aka Doc Cox of That’s Life rude vegetable fame).
pudendum n. Latin word for genitals, meaning literally ‘meat pie and two potatoes’.
pud-whapper n. US Wanker; obnoxious person.
puff 1. v. To exhale cigarette smoke. 2. p.n. Magic dragon that lived by the sea.
pugwash n. Aus. Cleaning of the teeth with tapioca toothpaste (qv)
puke v. To throw up.
pull 1. v. To tap; pick up members of the opposite sex. As in "I went out on the pull last night". 2. v. To wank. As in "Nowt pulled, so I went home, watched the free Fantasy Channel preview and had a pull."
pull a pint on the piss pump v. To crank out the hand shandy (qv).
pull a train v. To take turns at stirring the porridge (qv); jelly roll; gang bang.
pulling power n. Polite term for fanny magnetism.
pull off 1. v. To drag a drunken friend away from a fight, usually whilst shouting "It’s not worth it" or "Leave it, he’s had enough". 2. v. To masturbate. As in "Fucking hell! She went skiing (qv) and pulled us both off at once".
pull the turkey’s neck See throttle the turkey.
pull your pud v. Wank. See pud.
puma acronym Pants up my arse. See hungry arse.
pump v. To fart; poot; pass wind; shoot bunnies; drop a rose petal.
pump action mottgun n. Advanced rapid fire development of the mutton musket (qv).
puppies n. affectionate Tits; boobs; breasts.
puppies’ noses n. Nipples.
purple headed yoghurt warrior See purple headed womb broom.
purple headed womb broom See purple headed yoghurt warrior.
purple helmet 1. n. Pink Darth Vader’s headgear; bobbies helmet; German helmet; Roman helmet; bell end. 2. Any member of the Rover Aerobatic display team.
purple pearler n. Extendible icing tool for decorating pink blancmanges.
push gas v. To poot (qv).
pussy n. Of woeful British TV sitcoms set in quiet, overstaffed department stores, a much stroked pet cat frequently referred to by Mrs Slocombe.
pussy pelmet n. Short mini skirt.
putting from the rough v. Golfing equivalent of bowling from the Pavilion end (qv).
putz n. Yiddish Prick.
pygmies’ cocks sim. Erect nipples. As in "She had nipples like pygmy’s cocks".
pyroflatulate v. To light one’s farts. See also afterburner; blue streak.

Q

quack n. Short, sharp botty burp often followed by an apologetic "Oops!" See also step on a duck.
quail n. Game young bird (qv).
quandong n. Aus. 1. Difficult lay; hard woman; she who wears armour plated knickers. 2. Prostitute.
quaynte n. Placket (qv).
quaker, to bury a n. Stool. As in: "Where is your lovely wife?" "Ah, she just nipped upstairs to bury a quaker".
quaz n. Ugly wanker; bell-end ringer. (abbr. Quasimodo).
quean n. Male homosexual. Original spelling of queen, as in pinch of snuff.
queef n. US Vaginal fart; front botty burp. Also kweef.
queen See queer.
queer See quean.
quickie n. Hurried one (qv).
quim n. Refined word for the mapatasi (qv) such as a gentleman might use at a hay clarse cocktail party. From the Welsh word Cwm meaning ‘valley beneath the 13 amp fuse wire’.
quimby n. Middle person in a threesome. See also lucky Pierre.
quimle v. To eat hairy pie (qv). I was quimling her, he quimled me, etc.
quince n. 1. Aus. Mincing quean. 2. Something owls eat with a runcible spoon.
quoit n. Ring; hoop; rusty sheriff’s badge; balloon knot; tea towel holder.
quumf v. To sit in waiting outside a public library in Blyth, for example, and sniff ladies bicycle seats as soon as possible after their owner has dismounted and gone inside. Also to snudge.

R

rack n. Female mammarial display; collectively the tits; funbags. e.g. "She’s got a lovely rack on her. Very well presented. And nipples like a fighter pilot’s thumbs".
radio rental rhym. slang Mental; hatstand.
rag week n. 1. Seven days during which students get pissed and behave like cunts in the name of charity. 2. Time of the month when the flags are out (qv). Also blob week. See also on the blob.
rainbow yawn n. Puke. See also technicolour yawn, pavement pizza.
raisin bag n. Nut sack (qv); John Wayne’s hairy saddle-bags.
R.A.F. Rough as fuck; ugly; unattractive.
rake the cage out v. To build a log cabin; give birth to a Richard (qv).
Ralph v. echoism To vomit. See also call Huey.
ram job n. Conventional heterosexual sex, as opposed to blow job (qv) or hand job (qv). Also nob job.
ram shackled adj. To be engaged in the act of botting (qv).
randy n. Cowboy version of horny (qv).
raspberry rhym. slang Fart. From raspberry tart. As in "Did you just drop a raspberry?" "No. He who smelt it, dealt it". "Ah! But he who denied it, supplied it", etc.
rascal wrapper n. French letter; blob; rubber Johnny.
rat arsed / faced adj. Shit faced.
rat’s cocks! exclam. Shit: blast; drat; confound it. To express extreme disappointment. As in "Rat’s cocks! I left my bus pass at home".
razz v. To hoy up; puke.
Razzle p.n. The definitive jazz magazine, in its own words ‘The magazine that makes your cock go hard’.
reach around n. In botting, pouring your partner a hand shandy (qv) whilst ram shackled.
rear admiral n. A sailor who prefers to navigate the Windward passage (qv).
rear gunner n. In aviation terms, a gunner who shoots one of his own side by firing his lamb cannon (qv) into their bomb bay (qv).
rectal retort n. Fart.
red ring n. Inflammation of the chocolate starfish as a result of being skittered (qv). See also Japanese flag.
red wings n. Dubious honour bestowed upon someone who eats haddock pastie (qv) during rag week (qv).
remould n. Rubber; single finger Marigold glove; blob.
retch v. To vomit, but with more noise and less puke.
reverse thrust n. The act of getting off at Edge Hill (qv). The interruptedus of your coitus.
rhythm magazine n. Jazz mag; scud book; porn pamphlet; one handed reading material.
rhythm stick n. Sixth gear stick; joy stick; copper stick; giggle stick; love truncheon.
rib cushions n. Breasts.
Richard rhym. slang. Turd. From Richard the Third. e.g. "I’ve just given birth to a ten pound Richard".
ride v. That which you do on a bike (qv).
ride the baloney pony v. US To wank.
ride the great white knuckler v. To play rhythm on your bone-a-phone (qv).
ride the porcelain bus v. To have diarrhoea. Not to be confused with drive the porcelain bus (qv).
ride the waves v. Shag an amply proportioned lady. See also moped.
rigid digit n. Erect penis; bone; bonk on.
rim n. Circumference of the anus; ring.
ring n. 1. Hole; jacksie; anus; brown eye; chocolate starfish. 2. The vagina.
ring bandit See Hershey highwayman.
ringburner n. A hot curry which results in ring sting (qv) the next day, and a Japanese flag (qv).
ring master n. 1. Master of ceremonies at a circus. 2. A botter (qv).
ring pirate See pirate of men’s pants.
ring sting n. Inflammation of the ring (qv) as a result of pissing rusty water (qv), e.g. after visiting the Rupali restaurant in Newcastle and eating a plate of the World’s Hottest Curry, ‘magmaloo’.
ring the bell v. Pop the cork; detonate the fanny bomb (qv).
rinky dink n. Stink; that unpleasant odour created by a fyst (qv); Richard the third’s B.O.
rinse the lettuce v. To wash the beef curtains, in situ as it were. Followed by a shake of the lettuce (qv).
rising main n. In pubic plumbing, the pink tatty water supply pipe usually fed in through the vagina. Also main cable.
riveting stick rhym. slang Dick. From the jeweller’s instrument.
robbing the date locker v. Turd burgling.
rocket polisher n. Overenthusiastic cleaning of the meat seeking pissile (qv) leading to detonation on the launch pad.
rocket socket n. Vagina.
Rockfords rhym. slang Piles; arse grapes; Nobbies; Emmas; Chalfonts. From the TV series The Rockford Files.
rocks n. Those which you ‘get off ’ when having it off.
rod n. Spam sceptre.
rod walloper See jewel jiggler.
rodeo sex n. To call your girlfriend by an ex-girlfriend’s name whilst having sex ‘doggy style’, and then try to hold on for as long as possible. Also bronco sex.
roger v. To shag. Often in the past tense. As in "I gave her a jolly good rogering".
roger ramjet n. Botter.
roll in the hay v. What everyone wanted to do with Julie Christie in Far From The Madding Crowd. And Donald Sutherland did with her in Don’t Look Back.
Roman helmet rumba See Bologna bop.
Ronson rhym. slang Arse. ‘Ronson lighter - shiter’.
room clearer n. Of flatulent emissions, a fart which registers one notch higher than breaking company (qv) on the sphincter scale. See also fyst.
root . rootle v. To shag.
rope the pony v. To wank.
rotoplooker (ro-to-ploo-ka) US n. Penis; chopper.
roundhead n. A pink Darth Vader (qv) after the surgical removal of his Kojak’s roll-neck (qv); a yiddled whanger.
round up the tadpoles v. To wank; bash the bishop.
row the boat v. Actually a dual tug boat; multiple wanking. Nautical variation on the skiing position (qv).
rub-a-tug shop n. Brothel; bordello; house of ill repute. Massage parlour supplying a rub down and a tug off.
rubber Johnny n. A blob; contraceptive. Also rubber.
rug munchers n. See fanny noshers.
rump gully n. Viewed from biffin bridge (qv), the gradually sloping valley beyond kak canyon (qv).
Rumple Foreskin n. Penis; Fagan; John Thomas; junior.
rumpo n. Rumpy pumpy.
rump ranger n. Chocolate cowboy.
rumpy pumpy n. A polite and lightweight term for sexual shenanigans used by respectable people. US equivalent hoochie-coochie.
runs, the n. What English cricketers get when they face fast bowlers.
russet gusset n. Skidmarks (qv) or dangleberrian deposits on the shreddies (qv). Also marmite stripe.
rusty sheriff’s badge n. Ride along biffin bridge (qv) from John Wayne’s hairy saddlebags (qv) and there it lies, right in the middle of kak canyon (qv). Just before you reach rump gully (qv).
rusty water See piss rusty water.

S

sack artist n. Womaniser; gigolo; fanny rat.
saddle bags n. 1. Labia; piss flaps. 2. Scrotum. Also John Wayne’s hairy saddle-bags.
safe See French safe.
salami slapper n. He who tolls upon his own bell end (qv); a wanker. See also hide the salami.
salmon canyon n. Piscine pass leading to tuna town (qv) that some folks round these parts call Gobblers Gulch.
salmon (on prawn) rhym. slang The horn (qv). Not to be confused with salmon (and trout) - snout (i.e. cigarette).
salsa dip n. A splash about in the crimson waves. See surfing the crimson wave.
salt n. 1960s Mod parlance for bird (qv).
S and M n. Rub-a-tug shop (qv) parlance for sado-masochism. See also Mr Whippy.
sand hole n. Of crowded beaches, that hole caused by sunbathing on your stomach in order to conceal a bone on (qv).
sauce 1. n. Booze, usually in large quantity. As in "That Keith Chegwin didn’t half hit the sauce". 2. v. To seduce.
sausage and donut situation n. Heterosexual intercourse. As in "My luck was in. By midnight we had a sausage and donut situation".
sausage grappler See salami slapper.
sausage jockey n. Passive male homosexual; anyone who sits on a sausage and bounces up and down. Also sausage rider.
sausage kennel n. A male homosexual’s bottom.
sausage pizza n. Closest thing to a sausage sandwich (qv) that Miss Lincolnshire (qv) is able to provide.
sausage sandwich n. A juicy salami frotted between two pink baps (qv), the end result of which is a pearl necklace (qv). Also Dutch.
sausage supper n. Female equivalent of a fish supper (qv).
sausage wallet n. Fanny.
SBD adj. Of farts and farting, Silent But Deadly. A subtle release of pungent botty gas.
SBV adj. Silent But Violent. Minging (qv) fizzle (qv) from the fart fissure.
schlong . schlonger (shh-long-aa) Yiddish n. Large penis.
schlong shed n. Condom; stopcock; stiffy stocking.
schmeckie n. Opposite of a schlong (qv).
scooter n. Arse. From Dutch schoeter meaning ‘shitter’.
Scottish bedwarmer n. A fart; anal announcement.
scratcher n. Bed; fart sack.
scrote n. Knacker; bollock brain. A versatile testicular term of abuse.
screamer n. Raving poofter.
screw v. To have sex piggy style, rotating clockwise due to a corkscrew shaped cock.
scrumping v. 1. US Having sex. 2. UK Stealing apples.
scrubber n. Slapper; vulgar woman; dollymop.
scumbag n. The ultimate term of abuse known to tabloid journalists.
scumwad n. American variation on scumbag.
see you next Tuesday acronym Parting nicety alluding to the initials ‘CU’N.T.
semen n. Aphrodite’s Aral-dite; joy Gloy; gunk; spunk; goo.
semi n. 1. Lazy lob on; half erect penis. "As in "The best I could manage was a semi". 2. A house joined to one other house.
send a sausage to the seaside See sink a few U boats.
separate-us apparatus n. Condom; stiffy stocking. As in "Did you remember to bring the separate-us apparatus?" "Rat’s cocks! I didn’t. Perhaps we should just play the bagpipes (qv) tonight".
serpent socket n. That hole with which the one eyed trouser snake (qv) connects.
sex 1. n. It (qv). 2. v. To pump someone full of semen. As in "Babe, I’m gonna sex you up".
sex act n. Versatile, vague tabloid term used to describe and denigrate specifically non-specific acts of shenanigans. Usually prefixed "vile" or "lewd".
Shabba (Ranks) See J. Arthur.
shaft 1. v. To shag; screw. 2. n. Penis. 3. p.n. The black private dick that’s a sex machine to all the chicks.
shag 1. v. To copulate; to fuck. 2. n. Sexual encounter; a screw. 3. US Fifties dance craze. 4. Type of sea bird. 5. Tobacco. 6. Something to do with arse grapes or carpets I think.
shagability n. Measureament of how shagable a person is.
shagable adj. Having a high degree of shagability.
shag bag n. Loose woman; bike.
shag factory n. Joint which is heaving with blit; knickerville; blart city.
shagged out adj. Exhausted; jiggered; buggered; zonked; fucked.
shagging a bike sim. To describe sex with a thin woman. "Some of these supermodels, they don’t look healthy. I don’t fancy that. It would be like shagging a bike". Opposite of shagging a waterbed.
shag monster n. She who has a voracious appetite for sex. Not necessarily ugly.
shagnasty n. An ugly and sexually promiscuous female.
shag slab n. The altar of love; bed; passion pit; cock block; fart sack; scratcher.
shag tags n. Love bites; hickies; suckers; bruises from a physical bout of tonsil hockey.
shaggin’ wagon Also shag wagon. See passion wagon.
shake hands with the Wookie v. Another in the ‘Wanking with Star Wars’ series. See also Hand Solo, duel with the pink Darth Vader.
shake hands with the wife’s best friend See shake the bishop’s hand.
shake the bishop’s hand v. Have a piss, as opposed to bashing the bishop (qv).
shake the lettuce v. female To pee. Specifically, to give the beef curtains (qv) a quick tumble dry afterwards.
shake the snake v. Male equivalent of shaking the lettuce (qv) the object being to dislodge any forget-me-nots (qv) before returning the schlong (qv) to the shreddies (qv).
shaking hands with the unemployed v. Wanking.
shampoo the rug v. To lose one’s population paste (qv) on a mapatasi (qv). Perhaps when getting off at Edge Hill (qv).
shark . sharking v. Go on the pull (qv), using aggressive, sly or cunning tactics.
shark’s fin n. The profile of a neighbour’s beetle bonnet (qv) viewed through a tight bikini bottom whilst sunbathing on the beach. See also sand hole.
shat on from a height v. To have been badly exploited; humiliated; let down.
shave a horse v. To have a piss; take a leak.
shaven haven n. Bald monkey’s forehead (qv).
shed n. Large, promiscuous woman. Somewhere to stick your tools.
shedded adj. Trousered (qv); cattled (qv).
Sherman (tank) rhym. slang. Wank.
shift v. To shag; screw.
shirtful n. A well stocked rack (qv). As in "My, what a shirtful".
shirt lifter n. Uphill gardener; brown hatter.
shirt potatoes n. Tits; melons; top bollocks.
shit . shite 1. v. To shit; defecate; sink the Bismarck (qv), build a log cabin (qv), crimp one off (qv), light a bum cigar (qv) etc. 2. n. Crap; excrement; stools; faecal matter. 3. Git; sod; get; a shitty person, usually "little". 4. Crap; useless. As in "Shit weather for this time of year eh vicar?"
shit a brick 1. interj. Exclamation of surprise. 2. v. To be scared; to papper your trollies.
shit eating grin n. Exaggerated, smug, self-satisifed smile pulled deliberately to taunt others; as if to say "Eat shit".
shiter (shy-tuh) n. Arse; kak cannon. That which shites.
shite house (shyt-howss) n. Outside lavatory; dunny.
shit faced n. Arseholed; intoxicated; para-fuckin-lytic.
shit locker n. Arse; bomb bay. Also date locker.
shit on your own doorstep euph. Foul the nest. e.g. Shag your mother-in-law while you are totally pissed. See also piss on your chips.
shits, the n. Of smallroom dancing, those up tempo trots (qv) which include the Tijuana cha-cha (qv), the sour apple quickstep (qv) and the Aztec two-step.
shit stabber n. Pork swordsman.
shitter (shit-aa) 1. n. Anus; kakpipe; council gritter. 2. Sit down lavatory; the pan.
shitty stick n. A stick, covered in shit, used by men with powerful cars to stave off advancing women.
shit your pants v. To drop a brick; cake your kecks; papper your trollies.
shooting bunnies v. Polite euphemism for farting; pass wind; blow off. Also kill the Easter bunny.
shoot in your boot euph. To be excited. Of Jimi Hendrix, Little Richard said: "Jimi made my big toe shoot right up in my boot".
shoot your load / bolt / wad v. To ejaculate; lose your mess; discharge the mutton musket (qv).
shopping n. The underpant aftermath of follow through (qv). As in "Did I detect a twin tone (qv)?" "Afraid so. I’d better go and check my trollies for shopping".
shoulder boulders n. Big breasts; gazungas (qv).
shunt v. To shag. As in "Go on, tap her wheels, see if she’s worth a shunt".
shreddies n. Undercrackers; kecks; trollies.
shrimp v. To suck someone’s toes for sexual gratification, whether or not they have a vacuous, buck teethed smile, greasy hair, and a Chelsea football strip on.
shtup v. Yiddish To have sex; bonk; bang.
side winders n. Spaniel’s ears (qv) which appear to be gravitating towards the armpits.
Sigourney Weaver rhym. slang Beaver.
singer n. Sexual athlete; he or she who goes at it (qv) like a sewing machine.
sing sweet violets v. Airy alternative to building a log cabin (qv); to take a dump.
sink a few U boats v. To pass a stool, as if dropping depth charges.
sink the Bismarck v. To pass one fucking enormous stool; deposit a U blocker.
sink the sausage See hide the sausage.
siphon the python v. Point Percy (qv) at the porcelain; have a piss.
Sir Anthony rhym. slang A proper Charlie (qv). From ‘Sir Anthony Blunt’ - cunt.
sitting on an elephant adj. To be highly burbulent; to have brewed a massive one up. e.g. "Evacuate the room, women and children first. Mr Bennett is sitting on an elephant". (Pride And Prejudice, Jane Austen).
sixteen valve n. Stunner; corking bird.
sixth gear n. Wanking, especially in a parked car. See also stick shift.
sixty-nine See soixante neuf.
six-pack grip See tenpin.
skeet v. To come off at the Billy Mill roundabout (qv); shoot your load (qv).
skeeze v. US To shag; schtup.
skid marks n. Severe russet gusset (qv); pebble dashing (qv) of the undercrackers; the turtle’s brill cream.
skiing position n. Wanking two men off at the same time while wearing only a helmet, goggles and snow skis.
skin boat n. Penis. As in "I think I’ll sail the old skin boat to tuna town" (Burgess Meredith).
skin flick n. Fuck feature; blue movie; mamba matinee.
skin flute See fleshy flugel-horn, bed flute, pink oboe.
skirt n. collective & singular Fanny; blart; toosh; talent. As in "I’m on a pink ticket (qv) the neet. Let’s get down the bar and pick up a bit of skirt".
skit . skitter v. To shit diarrhoea. skitting. skitted. As in "Me dog’s ate the fucking back legs off the wife’s duck. It’s skittin’ al’ awaa the place".
skitters, the n. Diarrhoea; the shits; squirts.
skittered adj. To have the skits; to be skittering.
skittuin (skit-ew-win) n. The product of the skitters, especially in dogs; canine paint stripper; puddles of brown acidic gunge on the carpet.
skull buggery n. Pugwashing; salami sucking. Also skull fucking.
slag n. 1. Woman of little virtue; slapper. 2. Waste material from a mine, slag heap. 3. (s-laaaaaag) Term of abuse applied liberally to male criminals in The Sweeney.
slam hound n. US Slapper; slutt.
slam in the lamb v. Bayonet manoeuvre involving the mutton musket (qv).
slam spunk v. To have sex. As in "I was slam spunkin’ till six o’clock this morning. Ended up having porridge on me bacon sandwich for breakfast".
slap and tickle n. A bit (qv); a portion (qv); a bit of it (qv); the other (qv); rumpy-pumpy.
slaphead See chrome dome.
slaphood n. Adolescent years of a slapper (qv).
slapper n. Slag; dirty woman. She who has been around a bit. From the Yiddish schlepper meaning literally ‘I don’t fancy yours much’.
slappette n. Betracksuited, hickied, bubblegum chewing, scrunchie (qv) wearing fledgling slapper (qv).
slap the monkey See bash the bishop. Also spank the monkey.
slash n. A piss; wee wee.
slash and burn n. 1. Third world deforestation technique. 2. A painful symptom of venereal disease.
slash palace n. Public lavatory.
slats n. 1. Ribs. As is "I’m gonna rattle her slats with me womb broom". 2. Aus. Beef curtains. As in "I’m gonna part her slats with we womb broom".
sleep in a tent v. To have a large penis. As in "Fancy coming back to my place. You’ll not be disappointed. I sleep in a tent". See tent pole.
sleeping beast n. Flaccid cock; marshmallowed main pipe (qv).
slime (ss-loym) v. Aus To ejaculate; chuck ones muck. As in: "Hev yer slimed yet Bruce?" "Will yer shat ap Sheila, ya puttin’ me orf".
slip a length v. To shag, from the male viewpoint. As in "I’d slip her a length any day of the week".
slip her a crippler v. A few notches up from slip her a length (qv); shag someone so hard they can’t walk.
slit n. Blit; fanny; vertical bacon sandwich.
sloppy seconds n. Of pulling trains and gang bangs, to be in the coach immediately behind the engine; to take second pick in a box of assorted creams (qv). See also stirring the porridge, buttered bun.
slotn. Vulva; button hole.
slut n. Slapper; slag; bike.
smeg n. 1. Jizz; joy gloy; jism. 2. Amusingly named Swedish manufacturer of white goods.
smegma See smeg.
smegma dome See bell end.
smoke the bald man v. To light up a salami cigarette. smoke the white owl See smoke the bald man.
smuggling a brownie v. To have the turtle’s head (qv). As in "He seemed quite anxious to get away. I suspect he was smuggling a brownie".
smut n. Filth; pornography jazzmags; skin-flicks etc.
snake v. To scrump; schtup; skeeze. To let loose the one-eyed trouser snake (qv) on a mink, beaver, pussy etc.
snake charmer n. A girl who has an uplifting effect on your pant python. As in "Phoar! She’s a bit of a snake charmer. I’m pitching a trouser tent right here and now".
snatch n. Quim; vagina.
snatch mouse n. Tampon. Also cotton mouse.
snog v. To swap spit; tongue wrestle; play tonsil hockey.
snogging water n. After shave. See also tart’s window box.
snookered behind the red v. Unable to sink the pink due to the time of month. The only pot on is a difficult brown (qv).
snorker n. Australian for sausage, both eating and hiding varieties.
snowball v. To blow salami cigarette smoke back into the tobacconists mouth... sort of thing.
snowdropper n. Underwear fetishist who steals to sniff, usually from washing lines. See also knicker bandit, snufty.
snudge v. To sniff a ladies bicycle seat after she leaves it chained to park railings. Also known as quumfing. See also snufty.
snufty n. One who derives pleasure from sniffing, bicycle seats, drip trays (qv), socks etc.
snurgle See snudge.
snurglar n. Quumfer; snudger; bicycle snufty.
soap-on-a-roper n. Heterosexual male who prefers not to bend down in communal showers.
soapy tit wank n. Sausage sandwich (qv) served in the bath or shower.
sod n. A loose piece of turf in an uphill garden.
soixante-neuf n. French for sixty-nine.
sour apple quickstep n. Another diarrhoea dance. As in: "Your wife is taking rather a long time in the powder room". "Yes, I’m afraid she’s dancing the sour apple quickstep tonight". See also Tijuana cha-cha.
sow n. One notch up from cow on the female insult scale.
spadger n. Aus. Vagina.
Spam alley n. A haven for Spam javelin (qv) throwing.
Spam castanets n. Labia. As in "My hobbies including playing the Spam castanets".
Spam fritters n. Labia; tasty alternative to a vertical bacon sandwich (qv), especially served in batter.
Spam javelin n. Penis.
Spam sceptre n. Largest of the family jewels (qv).
spaniel’s ears n. Sagging, flat thruppenny bits. Also snoopies.
spanish archer n. The push; the ‘El Bow’.
spanking n. A form of corporal classroom punishment still practised in rub-a-tug shops (qv). See also Mr Whippy.
spank the monkey See spank the plank.
spank the plank v. Bash the bishop; burp the worm.
spanky hanky n. Jit gel rag; wank sock. Anything used for clearing up Aphrodite’s araldite afterwards.
spanner n. Top totty (qv); she who tightens your nuts.
spare n. In a meat market (qv), that totty (qv) which is not yet sold.
spasm chasm See spam alley.
spear the bearded clam v. A trick involving a spam javelin (qv) and said hairy bivalve.
spend tuppence in ha’-pennies and farthings v. To pass loose stools; have diarrhoea.
sperm n. Spunk; gism.
sperm worm n. Penis.
spew 1. v. To vomit; park a tiger; be sick. 2. n. The sick itself. As in "Mum. This soup tastes like spew".
spider’s legs n. Of muffs (qv), rogue pubic hairs which protrude beyond the knicker line; a pant moustache.
spit v. What women do if they won’t swallow (qv).
spit roast n. Someone simultaneously skewered at both ends by pork swords (qv); a sausage jockey (qv) who plays a pink oboe (qv) whilst still in the saddle. See also lucky Pierre.
splashback n. Unfortunate tidal effect of a depth charge (qv) or belly flopper (qv) within the pan resulting in splashing of the arse.
splash me boots v. To have a piss; take a leak. Definitely not to be confused with fuck me shoes (qv).
spla water n. Semen; gunk.
splay v. US To schtup; snake; skeeze. Specifically, to draw back the beef curtains (qv) and enter.
splice v. British version of splay (qv).
split a kipper v. To have sex.
splosh n. Cockney 1. Sex; crumpet; fanny. As in "Gor bloimey, squire, I fink I’ll go dahn the old rub-a-dub and get moiself a bit o’splosh". 2. Money.
spod See spooge.
spoilers n. Buttocks.
sponge n. Of homosexual relationships, the submissive partner; the noshee as opposed to the nosher. Usually the thin one. See also stone.
spooge n. US Semen.
spooge scrooge n. Blob; condom; rubber policeman.
sports bag n. A functional cottaging accessory in which one partner stands to conceal his feet and avoid detection by lavatory attendants looking under the door. See also Bosch, cottage.
sprogdrop n. Pregnancy. As in: "Your wife’s put on a bit of weight. Is she suffering from sprogdrop?"
spunk n. Semen.
spunkled adj. Sprinkled with spunk.
spunkling adj. Sparkling or glistening as a result of being spunkled
spunk rat n. Good looking bloke, as described by females. Not to be confused with fanny rat (qv).
spuds deep n. Up to the buffers (qv).
spunk n. 1. Semen; seed. 2. Spirit; pluck. 3. Aus. Good looking man; dish; hunk. 4. Tinder made from fungus.
spunk dustbin Also spunk bucket.See bucket fanny, box of assorted creams.
Spurt Reynolds n. Pet name for the tearful bald man sitting on the hairy beanbags (qv). See also make a bald man cry.
spurt your curd v. Spread your spunk; infect others with your pluck and spirit.
squeak the breeze v. US To fart; talk German; pass wind.
squeeze the cheese v. Dairy equivalent of sausage stretching.; to wank.
squirts n. In arsemology, a series of eruptions resulting in a pyroclastic flow from the farting fissure. A condition also known as the skitters.
squits n. Dangerous wet farts, constantly bordering on the follow through (qv).
stacked adj. Overstocked rack (qv) in the snork (qv) department. As is "I fell in love with my wife at first sight. She is particularly well stacked".
stalk n. Erection; stiffy. As in "Pardon me if I look like a tripod. I can’t seem to get rid of this stalk".
stalk fever n. Condition affecting men on big cock day (qv).
stand . stand on See stalk.
steak drapes n. Gammon goalposts; beef curtains.
stealth bomber n. Subtle leg lifter (qv); undetected benefactor (qv); phantom farter (qv).
stench trench n. disaffectionate Fanny.
steg n. Woman resembling a ferocious, spiny, squat, pre-historic dinosaur. abbr. Stegosaurus. Compare lickalotopus.
step on a duck v. To create a quack; fart. orig. From a remark made by King Edward VI upon hearing a hunting companion sound his trouser trumpet (qv). "Sir, I may be mistaken, but I do believe you have stepped on a duck".
step on a frog Also tread on a frog. See step on a duck.
stick shifter n. Wanker.
sticky belly flap cock n. Post wank condition suffered by bishop bashers (qv).
stiffy . stiffie n. A bone on; erection. Also Mr Stiffy.
stiffy stocking n. Rascal wrapper; cheesepipe cling-film; Spurt Reynolds’ sick-bag.
Stilton muffle n. Pungent and unwashed fish mitten (qv).
stink 1. n. The distinctive odour of well matured knob cheese, eggy air biscuits etc. 2. v. To emit such a smell; to ming. 3. n. A fuss. 4. n. Aus. A scrap; fight.
stinky finger adj. Having ate the captain’s pie (qv) without a knife and fork. Also stinky pinky.
stirring the porridge v. To have sloppy seconds (qv); to dip into a billposter’s bucket (qv).
stoat n. In the world of pant nature, the natural pray of the one-eyed trouser snake (qv).
stone n. Of gay men and women, the opposite to a sponge (qv); the dominant partner. And usually no oil painting either.
stones n. Olde Worlde Balls.
stonker 1. n. Erection; hard on; stiffy. 2. n. Entertaining television programme (as applied by Jonathon Ross in the 1980s).
strain your greens v. To have a piss.
strangle Kojak v. Male masturbation; peel the carrot; stroke the Wookie. See also Kojak’s roll-neck.
strapadictomy n. Routine operation to strap on a dildo.
string See wood.
stroke mag n. Top shelf literature; art pamphlet; gentleman’s interest magazine.
strum v. A relaxed tug.
strumpet n. Olde Worlde Prostitute.
strumping v. Predatory behaviour by a bird; female equivalent of sharking (qv).
stuffing a marshmallow in a piggy bank v. Of those unfortunate situations involving brewer’s droop (qv), attempting to force your loose sausage meat (qv) into the slot (qv).
succubus n. A phantom night-time cock sucker once thought to be responsible for nocturnal emissions (qv).
suckers See shag tags.
suck face v. US To kiss. As in "Git a goddamn move on an’ finish your mother fuckin’ popcorn, you sunofabitch. I wanna suck some face".
suckhole n. Aus. In radio studios, one who laughs at everything Chris Evans says. Brown noser; toady; arselick; sycophant.
suck off v. To end it all by shooting yourself in the mouth with the mutton musket (qv).
sugared almond n. Clitoris.
sunnies n. Aus Tits; baps.
surfboard n. Flat chested female; Miss Lincolnshire.
surfing the crimson wave v. Riding the menstrual cycle.
swallow v. What women do when they don’t spit; what Goldilocks did to one of the three bears’ porridge.
swallow the oysters v. Swallow as in swallow (qv), oysters as in pearls, pearls as in pearl necklace (qv).
swamp v. H.M.F. To piss; urinate.
swamp donkey n. Female bereft of physical beauty; tug boat; boiler; sea monster; steg.
swap spit See suck face.
Swedish n. Greek (qv).
sweet FA acronym Sweet Fanny Adams and/or fuck all; absolutely nothing.
swing both ways See switch hitter.
switch hitter US n. Person who bats with both hands; bisexual; AC/DC.
swive v. 17thC. Fuck. As in "A horse, a horse. My kingdom for a swiving horse".
sword swallower n. Sword as in the pork variety.
siphon the python v. To take a Chinese signing lesson (qv); see a man about a dog.
syrup n. Irish jig.

T

tackle See wedding tackle.
tackleshack n. Trollies; underpants; kecks.
taco tickler n. Gusset typist.
tadger n. Penis. Also todger.
tadpole net n. Blob; rubber Johnny; cheesepipe clingfilm.
tadpole yoghurt n. Gentleman’s relish; dressing for a sausage sandwich (qv).
tagnuts n. Toffee strings; winnets; clinkers; dangleberries; bead curtains.
tail 1. n. Olde Worlde Penis. 2. n. Fluff; totty; skirt; talent (of both sexes). 3. Bum.
tail ender n. Small dollop of do that you must wait for after the main stool has been expelled; the final roof detail to be applied when building a log cabin (qv).
tail gunner See rear gunner.
tailpipe n. US Ass hole. In Britain exhaust pipe (qv).
tail shot n. The release of tail wind (qv).
tail wind n. Botty gas; air biscuits.
taint n. Niffin’s bridge (qv). Because it tain’t arse and it tain’t fanny".
take an air dump v. To fart; blow off.
take Captain Picard to warp speed v. TV baldy /cock euph. Masturbate; to strangle Kojak.
talent n. collective Crumpet; bush; attractive females.
talk German v. To fart; blow off; puff on an imaginary bum cigar (qv).
talk on the great white telephone v. To be sick in the lavatory. See drive the porcelain bus (qv).
tallywhacker 18thC. n. Penis; old man.
tampon n. A small, highly sophisticated implant which enables women to play tennis.
tam rag Variation of jam rag.
tank v. To shag; roger.
tanked up 1. adj. Arse-holed (qv). 2. Military Being sufficiently equipped with tanks.
tapioca toothpaste n. Dental gel for a trouser leg trombonist (qv).
tap See oot on the tap.
tap off v. To successfully tap up (qv).
tap up v. To chat up; try to instigate a sexual liaison.
tardis fanny n. Deceptively spacious snatch; cathedral; bargain bucket.
tart n. Slapper; dolly bird. Sometimes used affectionately. e.g. When describing Boy George.
tart’s window box, a n. What you smell like when you’ve got too much after shave on.
Tarzan chord That narrow chord which attaches Kojak’s roll-neck (qv) to the bobby’s helmet (qv).
tash See Hitler tash.
tatties n. Testicles; spuds.
tatty water (ta-tee-wa-ta) n. Spud juice; semen. Literally ‘potato water’.
TBS Toxic Bott Syndrome. To suffer from severe noxious emissions or brewer’s farts (qv). See also burn bad powder.
TCM n. Turd cutting muscle; crimper; anal sphincter.
tea pot n. Gay male from the Larry Grayson school of posturing.
tear off a piece v. US To have sex. Also tear one off.
tea towel holder n. Anus; ringpiece; freckle. From the 1950s plastic ‘finger poke’ style kitchen accessory.
technicolour yawn See pavement pizza.
teddy’s leg n. State of stool expulsion somewhere beyond the turtle’s head (qv), but prior to touching sock (qv). More like chewing a brick (qv); midway through smoking a bum cigar.
tee off v. To wank and/or fart. Not necessarily at the same time.
tenpin v. To place digits simultaneously in the tea towel holder (qv) and the fish mitten (qv). From the grip used in ten pin bowling.
tent pole n. Stiffy; erect penis, especially in bed. See also trouser tent, morning glory, wake up with Jake up.
thatch hatch n. Vagina; hairy pie.
Thelonius Monk rhym. slang Spunk.
the other n. It (qv); the old how’s your father.
third leg n. See middle wicket.
Thora Hird 1. Actress of stair lift testimonial fame. 2. rhym. slang Turd.
thrap . thrape v. To masturbate furiously; to give it six nowt on the Right Honourable Member for Underpants.
three card trick rhym sl. Prick. As in "She got her jazz bands round me three card trick and started giving it six nowt".
three coiler n. Dog turd; the curled and crimped result of not having walked the dog, usually found on a carpet.
three piece suite n. Meat and two veg; wedding tackle; the male undercarriage.
three wheeler rhym. slang Dyke; lesbian. From ‘three wheeled trike’.
throne n. Queen’s shitter.
throne room n. Queen’s shit house.
throttage n. Throttage.
throttle pit n. Aus. Toilet.
throttle the turkey v. The Norfolk wank. "Kid’s love ‘em".
through a hedge backwards exclam. As in "Phoar! I could fuck her through a hedge backwards".
throw v. To barf; hoy; chuck.
throwing a Woodbine down Northumberland Street sim. In Newcastle, unsatisfying sex with a bucket fannied (qv) individual. As in "Why man, it was like hoyin’ a Woodbine doon Northumberland Street"; Leeds throwing a sausage up Briggate; HM Navy throwing your kit bag in the Ark Royal’s dry dock, etc.
thruppeny bits rhym. slang 1. Tits. 2. The shits.
thumper n. Erection; stalk; stiffy.
thunder bags n. Underpants; trollies.
thunder box n. archaic Lavatory; shitter. Also thunder bowl.
thunder mug n. Chamber pot; piss pot.
ticket to tottieville See token for the cockwash.
ticklers n. Corrugated condoms; amusing French letters.
tickle the pickle See jerkin the gherkin.
Tijuana bible n. US Jazz-mag; porny book. (Hardcore rhythmic reading is readily available to Americans in the neighbouring Mexican town.)
Tijuana cha-chan. The trots. (Spicy food is readily available to Americans in the neighbouring Mexican town.) See also sour apple quickstep.
tiffin n. Home made chocolate biscuit the reference to "a bit of" which in British comedy films of the 1970s was considered amusing.
tiffter n. Unwanted erection; Jake.
tile hanger’s nailbags sim. Sagging, lumpy tits. As in "She had tits like a tile hanger’s nailbags".
tinter n. High class totty; top class talent. e.g. Of Mick Hucknall one could remark "Lucky bleeder. He’s been up all the top tinter in his time".
tit fairies n. Fictional visitors who magically transform the wife’s fried eggs (qv) into TNTs (qv) during and after pregnancy.
tit man n. He who prefers tits to arses or legs.
tits n. 1. Breasts; knockers. As in "What a pair of tits". 2. Foolish or derisory people. As in "What a bunch of tits". 3. Nerves. See wick.
titty fuck See sausage sandwich.
tit wank See soapy tit wank.
TNTs Two nifty tits.
toffee strings See bead curtains.
todger n. Penis. Also tadger.
todger toaster n. Vagina; cockwash.
tonsil hockey n. Kissing; spit swapping. As in: "Fancy a game of tonsil hockey?"
token for the cockwash n. Romantic gifts, e.g. flowers, chocolates, bottle of wine. As in "I’m just nipping down the off license to get a token for the cockwash". See cockwash.
Tom 1. n. Prostitute. 2. v. To carry out prostitution. As in "Are you tomming it?" 3. rhym. slang Tomfoolery - jewellery.
toms . tom tits rhym. slang The shits.
tongue job n. Lick, as opposed to blow job (qv).
tongue shui See tongue wrestling.
tongue wrestling See tonsil hockey.
tonk v. To fuck; bonk.
tonsil hockey n. Kissing; swapping spit.
tookus See totty.
tool n. Penis; manhood. All the DIY enthusiast needs, along with his wanking spanners (qv), to get the job done.
toosh n. Totty. From US tush meaning ‘arse’.
toot See poot.
toothless sea lion sim. Smelly and unkempt minge (qv). As in "She had a fanny like a toothless sea lion". See also bulldog eating porrige.
toot meat n. Penis. From the fictional musical sweet of a similar name. See also bed flute, meat flute, pink oboe etc.
toot toot n. Risque BBC parlance for vagina.
tops and fingers adj. Scale on which sexual achievement is measured by teenage males. As in "Get far last night?" "Not half! I got my tops and two fingers".
top banana exclam. Give that man a coconut; whack-o-the-diddle-oh.
top bollocks n. Breasts.
topless hand shandy See topless relief.
topless relief n. Bordellospeak for a bird with her tits out giving you a wank.
toss v. 1. To wank, usually "yourself off". 2. To flip pancakes through 180 degrees during cooking.
tosser’s twitch n. Nervous affliction suffered by wankers during periods of abstinence.
toss parlour See rub-a-tug shop.
toss pot n. A person held in low esteem; a fuckwit.
totty n. collective Girls; fanny. As in: "Hey, this car’s a fanny magnet (qv). Since I bought it I’ve been beating off the totty with a shitty stick". Singular if prefixed "a nice bit of".
touch v. To fondle, usually "up".
touching cloth adj. That stooling stage immediately after turtle’s head (qv) when the movement establishes contact with the trollies. As in: "Is there a bog round here mate? I’m touching cloth".
touching socks adj. The stage by which time it is too late to look for a toilet.
tradesmen’s entrance n. Back passage.
trade spit See swap spit.
traff v. To fart; let off.
train See pull a train.
tranny n. Transsexual, transvestite, transparency or transit van. e.g. A fettish photographer might say "Shit. I left that tranny of the tranny in the back of the tranny".
trapn. Khasi; thunderbox; bog.
travel fat n. Unexplained Jake (qv) which appears mysteriously during long bus journeys. In military parlance convoy cock.
tread on a frog v. A wetter sounding version of step on a duck (qv).
tree log n. A chocolate shark (qv) whose snout is in the water before it’s tail leaves your arse; a Cuban bum cigar (qv). See also teddy’s arm, grow a tail.
tree monkey n. Fart.
trick n. Customer in a rub-a-tug shop (qv).
trim n. Tidy bush; talent; totty.
tripe hound n. Pig ugly dog.
trogg n. Simpleton; fuckwit. See also pranny.
trollies n. Formerly posh term for kecks; thunder bags; shreddies.
trollop See trull.
trots, the n. Frequent rapid foot movement required to convey a diarrhoea sufferer to the lavatory. See also Tijuana cha-cha, sour apple quickstep, Turkish two-step.
trouser arouser n. Fit lass; good looking bird.
trouser bandit n. Slightly more polite version of bum bandit (qv).
trouser chuff See chuff.
trouser cough n. Fart; botty burp.
trousered adj. Wasted; arseholed; wankered; cream crackered.
trouser leg trombonist n. Popular female musician who plays in the same ensemble as the skin flautist and pink oboe virtuoso.
trouser Mauser n. A small rapid firing porridge gun (qv). See also pump action mottgun, mutton musket.
trouser rake n. Stiffer version of the trouser snake. Often pops up and hits women in the face when stood on.
trouser rouser n. Fart; Bronx cheer.
trouser snake See one-eyed trouser snake.
trouser tent n. Embarrassing portable erection made from canvas or other trouser material, with a zip up one side, supported by a rigid shaft. If occurring whilst seated this can easily be concealed with a bowler hat.
trouser trout See trouser snake.
trouser trumpet n. 1. Fart. 2. The anus.
trouser truncheon n. The beat bobby’s favourite tool, along with his highly polished helmet.
trout v. To pull. As in "I was out trouting last night. Ended up with a five-to-two-er (qv). Had to chew me own arm off (qv) this morning".
truffle hunting v. To felch (qv) but without the curd.
trull n. 18thC. Prostitute.
trump v. To fart; pass wind.
tube steak n. Beef bayonet (qv) on the bone (qv).
tug v. To pull, as in a pud (qv).
tug boat n. A woman of plain appearance and compact, muscular build; swamp donkey (qv).
tummy banana See tummy truncheon.
tummy truncheon n. Sixth gear stick; porridge gun; penis.
tuna town n. Female genitalia; Billingsgate box.
tup v. 1. To have sex; shag. 2. Of sheep-to-sheep shagging, red hot horny ram on ewe action.
tuppence licker n. Lesbo; bean flicker.
turbot for tea See fish supper.
turd n. Crap; excrement; brown trout.
turd burglar n. Stealthy thief who forces entry into the rear of a person’s premises via the chocolate drainpipe.
turdis n. One of those detached, modern, portable, space age looking public conveniences.
turistas See Turkish two-step.
turkey-neck n. That which is throttled in Norfolk. See throttle the turkey.
Turkish n. Irish.
Turkish two-step n. Diarrhoearal dance not disimilar to the sour apple quick step; Tijuana cha-cha, Aztec two-step etc.
turn Japanese v. To wank. See also grin like a wanking Jap.
turn your bike round v. Go to the lavatory. As in "Excuse me, I’m just going to turn my bike round".
turquoise n. A lady who allows the dog in the bathtub.
turtle n. 1. Passive sexual partner. 2. Blit; fanny; fluff; talent. Birds, collectively, as sex objects.
turtle’s head n. The initial protrusion of a stool though the teal towel holder (qv); the point at which contracts are exchanged for the building of a log cabin (qv). See also touching cloth; touching socks.
tush . tushie n. US Bum; ass. Compare toosh.
tussage n. Talent; female buffage (qv).
TV See tranny.
twang the wire v. To pluck out a rhythm on the cheesy none-stringed banjo.
twanger See whanger.
twat 1. n. A minge. Also twot. 2. Stupid person. 3. v. To hit; beat up.
twinkie n. US Turd; chocolate log.
twist US rhyming slang Girl. Twist and twirl.
twister n. US Pervert.
twitter n. Female perineum; that area of the anatomy between the twat and the shitter (qv). See also chin rest, duffy’s bridge.
two pot screamer n. Aus. Someone who cannot hold their beer. A more reserved British equivalent would be the half pint Harry.
two puppies fighting in a bag n. Large, mobile and unrestrained breasts.
two ring circus n. Over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder; bra.
two up n. Two up.
twin tone n. An abrupt, wet sounding fart which changes tone suddenly as as the sphincter muscle acts to counter the imminent danger of follow through (qv).
Twix lips n. A front bottom (qv) version of hungry arse (qv). See also camel’s foot.
twunt n. Useful, satisfying yet inoffensive combination of two very rude words which can safely be spoken in primmest and properest company.

U

U blocker n. A turd so big it causes a jobbie jam in the foul drainage system.
udder scudder See sausage sandwich.
U.D.I. Unidentified drinking injury. A mysterious injury received during a bender (qv) and of which the victim has no recollection.
undefuckable adj. Bust; damaged beyond repair.
undercarriage n. Genitals (usually but not exclusively male); wedding tackle.
undercrackers n. Kecks; shreddies; Y fronts.
underchunders n. That item of clothing into which the bottom chunders. Knickers; underpants; thunder bags. (Male or female)
underdaks n. Kecks; Y fronts; shreddies; crackerjack sacks; trollies. (Male).
underkecks See kecks.
under thunder n. Violent rectal belching of the arse’s natural kak gases which erupt from the fart fissure.
unit n. 1. Genitals, usually male. 2. Bird; an individual piece of talent (qv).
unload v. To drop a depth charge (qv) or launch an air biscuit (qv).
unmentionables n. Roman catholic mother-in-law-speak for genitals or underwear.
unwrap the meat v. Tits oot for the lads.
upchuck v. To chuck up.
uphill gardener euph. He who hoes on the pink allotments; pusher of a cheesy wheelbarrow (qv) up the kak canyon; a male homosexual.
upstairs n. The rack (qv); top bollocks. As in "What’s she got upstairs?" "Stacked (qv) mate! Looks like a dead heat in a zeppelin race".
up the duff See up the poke.
up the poke See up the stick.
up the stick See in the club.
up to your nuts in guts adj. Aus. Engaged in sexual intercourse. See also in up to the bumper.
up to your pots adj. Pissed.
up periscope n. Bathtime game for up to one person. See also polish the lighthouse.
up the duff adj. In the pudding club; with bun in oven.
up to the bumper adj. Of pork sword fencing to be inserted up to the hilt; to the full extent.
up to the buffers adj. Variation of up to the bumper preferred by rail users.
Urals, the n. Vague and tenuous British film comedy euphemism for the testicles. See also the Balkans.