Letter to the Boss After much nagging from my wife, I decided to go ahead and toss this one out, as well: The following was originally written as a letter to a former supervisor upon learning that he and his family had planned a vacation to the Colorado Rockies. (Yes, my advice WAS solicited!) Dear Boss: Congratulations on having chosen the Colorado Rocky Mountains as your vacation spot this year! As you may know, even though I live in Kansas, I have spent a great deal of time in the Rockies. In fact, due in large part to inaccurate maps, faulty compasses and the mysterious geologic forces which strive to constantly re-arrange other wise familiar landmarks - I have probably spent more time in the Colorado back country than most members of the search and rescue team. At any rate, I am convinced that you, yourself could not have chosen a better destination. I must admit that I am honored that you have come to me for advice on the subject of camping in the Rockies and commend you on your excellent judgement. Naturally, over the years, I have acquired an almost encyclopedic knowledge on this subject and you may believe me when I say that I have forgotten more than you know. From the time of Zebulon Pike to present there have been literally thousands of books and articles authored on the subject of camping and living in the mountains. So many so that my wife jokingly inquired as to why anyone over the age of eight who owns a library card or has internet access would willingly come to me for advice. I politely informed her that I, for one, could understand your wanting to learn things that only a real expert like myself would know! With that in mind, Boss, I have decided not to fill your brain with information easily obtained from other sources. Instead, I have enclosed the following list of things you should NOT do while you are in the mountains. I know you should not do these things, because unfortunately, I have done them all at some point in the past. Needless to say, the results have ranged from just thoroughly embarrassing to damn near disastrous! Good Luck Boss! May you learn at least as much from my "adventures" as I have... Things you should NOT do in the Mountains 1. Do not wrap an egg in clay and place it the campfire to cook. 2.Do not try to start a campfire using only a mouthful of brandy and a Zippo lighter. 3.No matter how cute and cuddly it may look - Do not try to pet a baby porcupine. 4.Never try to kill a skunk with a banjo! 5.Never try to bluff an elk! 6.Never try to cross a stream on any log, which is more than ten feet above the water - Especially if the water is less than three feet deep! 7.Never leave your clothes more than a mile from where you are actually "skinny-dipping." 8.NEVER allow yourself to be convinced that riding a plastic toboggan down a two thousand foot snowmass and into a mountain lake would be "a really neat thing to do!" 9.Do not sneak up on your camp partner and "woof" like a grizzly - Especially if they are holding a cast iron skillet or a fly rod. 10.Do not throw rocks or pinecones at your camp partner when they in the bushes answering the call of nature - Especially if they are bigger and meaner than you are. 11.Do not throw rocks or pinecones at any stump that looks like a sleeping bear. 12.If you must climb a tree to escape from a bear (which turned out NOT to be a stump after all), do NOT disturb anything which looks like a yellow jacket nest until AFTER you are past it. And finally - Even if the yellow jackets choose to go after the bear and leave you with only a few stings - DO NOT JUMP UP AND DOWN, CLAP YOUR HANDS AND LAUGH UPROARIOUSLY WHILE STANDING IN THE UPPERMOST BRANCHES OF A PINE TREE!!! ...The Kansan... Back Home