Homer : When it comes to compliments, women are ravenous blood-sucking monsters always want'n more ... more ... MORE! And if you give it to them, you'll get plenty back in return. Bart : Like what? Homer : I'll tell you when you're older.
Homer : You know, when I was a boy, I really wanted a catcher's mitt, but my dad wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed out and banged my head on the coffee table. [cheerily] The doctor thought I might have brain damage. Bart : Dad, what's the point of this story? Homer : I like stories.
If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English.
Son, a woman is a lot like a... a refrigerator! They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice, and ... um ... Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!
If you're going to get mad at me every time I do something stupid, then I guess I'll just have to stop doing stupid things!
The sooner kids talk, the sooner they talk back. I hope you never say a word.
Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people.
Let me handle this, Marge, I've heard 'em all. "I like you as a friend." "I think we should see other people." "I don't speak English." "I'm married to the sea." "I don't wanna kill you, but I will. "... Six simple words
: I'm not gay, but I'll learn. ( advice to Lisa on boys ).
Lisa
: Dad, is it all right to take things from people you don't like?
Homer : Sure it is, honey. You _do_ mean stealing, don't you?
Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation.
Marge : Homer, you're going
to be famous! Homer : Yeah, but I'm not gonna let it change our lives. I'll be the same loving father I've always been. Marge : Hmm, have you seen Bart? Homer : Ehh, I stuck him somewhere.
Woo-hoo! I'm a college man! I won't need my high school diploma
any more! I am so smart! I am so smart! I am so smart! I am so smart! s-m-r-t! I mean, s-m-A-r-t ...
Ah, TV respects me. It laughs _with_ me, not at me!
Are you mad, woman? You never know when an old calendar might come in handy. Sure, it's not 1985 now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring? And these TV Guides ... so many memories.
Bart! With $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like ... love!
Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. Heh heh
heh -- right in the butt. That was great.
You think I don't want to? It's those TV networks, Marge ... they won't let me. One quality show after another, each one fresher and more brilliant than the last. If they only stumbled once, just gave us thirty minutes to ourselves, but they won't! They won't let me live!
Lisa :Sorry,
Dad, we _do_ believe in you, we really do. Bart : It's just hard not to listen to TV ... it's spent so much more time raising us than you have. Homer : Oh, maybe TV _is_ right. TV's _always_ right!
Come on, Marge, I want to shake off the dust of this one-horse town. I want to explore the world. I want to watch TV in a different time zone. I want to visit strange, exotic malls. I'm sick of eating hoagies. I want a grinder, a sub, a foot-long hero ... I want to _live_, Marge! Won't you let me _live_? Won't you please?!
I've
always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is -- and it's me.
So here's the deal : you freeze everything as it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign ... OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, please give me no sign ... Thy will be done!
The information superhighway showed the average person what some nerd thinks about Star Trek.
Uh, Lisa, the whole reason we have elected officials is so we don't _have_ to think all the time. Just like that rainforest
scare a few years back : our officials saw there was a problem and they fixed it, didn't they?
Oh, OK Marge, I'll get along with them. Then, I will hug some snakes ... yes! Then, I will hug and kiss some poisonous snakes. Now _that's_ sarcasm.( about getting along with Marge's sisters ).
Forty seconds? But I want it now!
Homer : Lisa honey, are you saying you're _never_ going to eat
any animal again? What about bacon? Lisa : No. Homer : Ham? Lisa : No. Homer : Pork chops? Lisa : Dad! Those all come from the same animal! Homer : Yeah, right Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.
All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat!?'. I'm trying to impress people here Lisa. You don't win friends
with salad.
[reading screen] "To Start Press Any Key". Where's the ANY key? I see Esk ["ESC"], Catarl ["CTRL"], and Pig-Up ["PGUP"].
There doesn't seem to be any ANY key. Woo! All this computer hacking is making me thirsty. I think I'll order a TAB. [presses TAB key].
The slim lazy Homer you knew is dead. Now I'm a big fat dynamo!
And where's that cake?
Homer : Marge, I'm bored. Marge : Why don't you read something? Homer : Because I'm trying to _reduce_ my boredom.
Well, I'm tired of being a wannabe league bowler. I wanna be a league bowler!
I guess some people never change. Or, they quickly change and then quickly change back.
Pftt ... Rules. I'm a rocker, I don't care for rules.
Oh, Marge,
I thought I had an appetite for destruction, but all I wanted was a club sandwitch.
Ew! Lisa, honey, if it'll make you feel better I'll destroy something Bart loves.
Your mother seems really upset about something. I better go have a talk with her ... during the commercial.
Marge : Night vision goggles? A bathroom scale from a soviet sub? A suede briefcase case? Anyone who needs this kind of status symbol must have some terrible emotional problems.
Homer : Marge, look! The world's best jacket. If I had this, it would show everybody! Show everybody!
You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on.
Marge : Homer, is this the way you pictured married life? Homer : Yeah, pretty much. Except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.
Homer
: Ohmygod! Ohmygod! Ohmygod! Oh my god! I danced with a gay!
Marge, Lisa, promise me you won't tell anyone. [shaking Lisa] Promise me!! Marge : You're being ridiculous. Homer : Am I, Marge? Am I? Think of the property values.Now we can never say only straight people have been in this house.
Well, at least I liked it. Didn't I?
Oh, honey, you're not the world's worst mother. What about that freezer lady in Georgia?
I hope you learned your lesson, Lisa. Never help anyone.
Smithers : Simpson, what are you doing here? Why aren't you at work? Homer : I made a bad mistake and Lenny sent me home to think about what I did. I don't remember what it was, so I'm watching TV.
Marge : Homer, the Lord only asks for an hour a week. Homer : Well in that case he should've made the week an hour longer. [mumbles] Lousy God ...
I don't have to be careful. I got a gun.
Bart : Dad, I've got some bad news. Homer : Your mother's not pregnant, is she?
Hello, son. I wanna apologise. I just got so caught up trying to
encourage you I was blinded to your stinky performance. If you
forgive me I promise I'll never encourage you again.
Lovejoy : Now, even Lisa Simpson, must agree that we have witnessed a miracle.
Lisa : Hardly. Anyone could have written that. Homer : Oh angle, listen not to this child of Satan!
My campaign is a disaster, Moe. I hate the public so much. If only they'd elect me, I'd make them pay.
If you really need money, you can sell your kidney or even your car.
Marge, how could you let me let myself go like this? ( about his weight ).
I'm awake. I'm awake. I'm protected member of the team. You can't fire me, I quit! Please, I have a family. ( woken up at work ).
Stupid risks make life worth living.
Marge : Well, maybe our next anniversary will be more romantic. Aww, look, Homey, our wedding cake! Homer : You mean there's been cake in our freezer for eleven years? Why was I not informed?
Homer : I promise you kids lots of things. That's what makes me such a good father! Lisa : Actually, keeping promises
would make you a good father. Homer : No, that would make me a great father.
The sun? That's the hottest place on Earth.
Homer : Well, here we are. The whole family. All together,
sharing, getting to know each other, exchanging ideas, stories and
laughs, snuggling up, bonding together as only a tightly-knit family
can. Why, we're more than a ... Bart : Dad, you can stop now. The commercial's over. The show's back on. Homer: Oh. Oh, yeah.
Marge : This should be a time ... for communication. Homer : That's a good idea, dear. Bart, turn on the TV.
I've been asked to tell you that the following show is very scary, with stuff that might give your kids nightmares. You see, there are some cry babies out there, religious types mostly, who might be offended. If you are one of them, I advise you to turn off your set now. Come on! I dare ya! Buwack buck buck buck buck buck buck buck Buwack buck buck buck, Chicken!"
Ooh! I remember Television! ( about the 50s ).
Oh! no, you are not getting me on that dance floor. Don't try and make
me. Otherwise, God help me, I'll give you that divorce.
Finally
I won respect from my fellow men ( Homer the motorcyclist ).
Remember to rebel against the authorities, kids!
This gang is for REBELS, Flanders, not for CONFORMOES.
You know that hard
look I get in my eyes? They saw that and ran like school girls with
tails between their legs. ( Hell Satan gang members ).
Ooh! a million times!!! ( faster porno download ).
That had nothing to do with the bucket ( driving with a bucket glued to his head ).
So, all this was a rouge to get money ( college reunion ).
Brother Faith : You feel trapped and are desperate. Homer : yeah
... and I have a bucket on my head.
He cannot admit he likes her
until he knows she likes him ( Flanders and Rachel ).
Lisa : I
thought we're doing this out of friendship. Homer : That doesn't
sound like me.
Flanders has cooties ... Flanders has cooties ...
Flanders has cooties ...
Is she still bossing you around from
beyond the grave? Can they do that?!? ( Flanders and Maude ).
I
can spearhead the whole begging thing.
I am sorry the tickets
don't cover visions, miracles or other godly hoohaas.
Somebody
COULD get hurt ... COULD ... but chances are they won't.
Oh!
what's going on? ... gmmmm ... I want a non-gay explanation. ( Bart
and Miller in dresses ).
Let me see ... that's 3 christmases I
saved ... 8 I ruined ... 2 were kind of draw ...
That is to scratch your ass (extra fork).
Jimmy is an ugly word, Marge,
unless it is Jimmy Smits ... Grrrrrhhh ...
Look at that land ...
with their laws and ethics ... they'll never know the joy of a monkey life.
Oh! pirates ... are you friendly pirates?
After living like a billionaire, this place looks like a dump.
That is right. Even if we are not rich, that doesn't mean ... [sob sob
sob] ... I can't even finish it ... I want to be rich [sob sob sob].
Homer : Why wouldn't anyone give me any award? Lisa : You
won a Grammy. Homer : An award worth winning.
I can be a jerk and no one can stop me
Nobody gets into heaven without a glowstick.
Flanders : I think we just hit something. Homer : I hope it was Flanders!
Oh, I don磘 have the discipline to be a hippie.
Homer : Come on, son, let's watch some telvision. Bart : What's on, Dad? Homer : It doesn't matter ...
Marge : One person CAN change the world, but most of the time, you probably shouldn't.
Big brother representative : Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why you're here? Homer's brain : Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge. Homer : Ummm ... revenge??? Homer's brain : Okay, that's it. I'm outta here. (step step step ... slam)
Homer's brain : Use reverse psychology. Homer : Oh, that sounds too complicated. Homer's brain : Okay, don't use reverse psychology. Homer : Okay, I will!
Lisa : Dad, we did something very bad! Homer : Did you wreck the car? Bart : No. Homer : Did you raise the dead? Lisa : Yes. Homer : But the car's okay? Bart & Lisa : Uh-huh. Homer : All right then.
A boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center.
50 cents??? Did this country give me a break? They spat on me.
I stand by my disappointed growl.
Look Lisa, it glows ... mmmmm
Anybody cares what this guy says???
Son, I learned everything I needed to know from The Horse Whisperer. ... [whisper] ... Horse ... go REALLY fast.
Dunkin,
I don't care what the odd are ... 5 MILLION TO 1 !!!!! Ohhhhhh [sob].
Dunkin, better win or ... we are taking a trip to the glue factory and HE doesn't get to come.
Horse Jockey : Would you like to join us in the jockey lounge? Homer : I've been waiting all my life to hear that.
Hello, is this President Clinton? Good! I figured if anyone knew where to get some tang it would be you.
I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.
Bart : That’s a hitch-hiker, Homer. Homer : Ooh, let’s pick him up! Marge : No! What if he’s crazy? Homer : And what if he’s not? Then we’d look like idiots.
Homer : Wait a minute, there’s something bothering me about this place. I know! This lesbian bar doesn’t have a fire exit! Enjoy your death trap ladies! Woman : What was her problem?
I’ve figured out an alternative to giving up my beer. Basically, we become a family of travelling acrobats.
Faith : Lisa, I’m Faith Crowley, Patriotism
Editor of Reading Digest. Homer : Oh, I love your magazine. My favourite section is “How to increase your word power.” That thing is really, really ... good.
Lisa : Aunt Selma, this may be presumptuous, but have you ever considered artificial insemination?
Homer : Boy, I don’t know. You gotta be pretty desperate to make it with a robot.
Marge : I’m afraid we’re going to need a bigger place. Homer : No, we won’t. I’ve got it all figured out. The baby can have Bart’s crib and Bart’ll sleep with us until he’s 21.
Marge: Won’t that warp him? Homer : My cousin Frank did it.
Marge : You don’t have a cousin Frank. Homer : He became Francine back in ’76. Then he joined that cult. I think his name is Mother Shabubu now.
Here are your messages : ‘You have thirty minutes to move your car.’ ‘You have ten minutes to move your car.’ ‘Your car has been impounded.’ ‘Your car has been crushed into a cube.’ ‘You have thirty minutes to move your cube.’
Marge, when I join an underground cult I expect a little support from my family.
Marge : What happened to you, Homer? And what happened to the car? Homer: Nothin’. Marge : I don’t think it had broken axles before. Homer : Before, before! You’re livin’ in the past, Marge. Quit livin’ in the past!
Marge : Oh, that sounds fabulous
, Homer. Stores throw the best parties. Homer : You like parties huh? Well, I just remembered they’re having a big one down at the waterfront this weekend. Marge : You didn’t remember that. You just saw it on TV. Homer : The important thing is I didn’t imagine it.
Homer : That tree’s been in the town of Springfield since the days of our forefathers. Give it back, or we’ll bust in there and take it! Tow truck man : Bust in here and take it? You must be stupider than you look. Homer : Stupider like a fox!
Aw, being a clown sux. You get kicked by kids, hit by dogs, and admired by the elderly. Who am I clowning? I have no business being a clown! I’m leaving the clowning business to all the other clowns in the clowning business.
I saw weird stuff in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, eerie, godless, evil stuff. And I want in.
Our lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you or I. Many of them incompetent boobs. I know this because I’ve worked alongside them, gone bowling with them, watch them pass me over for promotions time and again.
And remember not to act afraid. Animals can smell fear. And they don’t like it.
Always remember that you’re representing your country. I guess what I’m saying is, don’t mess up France the way you messed up your room.
Oh, my god, Marge. A penalty shot, with only four seconds left. It’s your child versus mine! The winner will be showered with praise, the loser will be taunted and booed until my throat is sore.
Look, Marge, I’m sorry I haven’t been a better husband, I’m sorry about the time I tried to make gravy in the bathtub, I’m sorry I used your wedding dress to wax the car, and I’m sorry – oh well, let’s just say I’m sorry for the whole marriage up to this point.
Bart : Dad, you killed the zombie Flanders! Homer : He was a zombie?
Homer : Hello, my name is Mr Burns, you have a letter for me. Postoffice : Okay. What's your first name, Mr Burns? Homer : I ... Uh ... Don't know ...
Bart : "Dad, Lieutenant Smash has gone crazy!"
Homer : Yep, that's the look! he he he
Oh my god, this man's my exact double! And that dog has a puffy tail. Hee hee hee. Here puff! Here puff!
Marge, quick, how many kids do we have have? No time, I'll just estimate. 9!
Homer : "No beer and no TV make Homer something something Marge : Go crazy? Homer : Don't mind if I do.
Look at 'em. Watchin' my TV. Sittin on my couch. You better not be in my ass groove!
Oh, used grease is worth money eh? Then my arteries are filled with liquid gold!
I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman!
Lisa : Dad! You can't just leave us by ourselves, we need a babysitter! Homer : Lisa, haven't you seen Home Alone? If some burglars come it'll be a hilarious situation ...
Stupid T.V. Be more funny."
Homer : Now, what do you have to wash that awful taste out of my mouth? Vendor : We have crab juice and Mountain Dew. Homer : Eeewww. I'll have the crab juice!
We're goin to Moe's. If we're not back, avenge our deaths.
I'm not outta control! You're outta control! The whole freakin' system's outta control! You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! 'Cause when you reach over and stick your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face! You'll know what to do - forget it Marge - it's China Town!
But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make god madder and madder.
But I'm not a missionary! I don't even believe in Jebus! [Seconds later] Save me Jebus!
Homer : Hey Marge, look at me - I'm making people happy. I'm the magical man from happy land who lives in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane ... In case you didn't realize, I was being sarcastic.
Marge : Well duh.
Homer : But we love Bart and Lisa!
Judge : And Margaret? Homer : Margaret? Lady you got the wrong file ... Marge [Whispering] : She means Maggie. Homer : Oh yeah,
I don't have anything against her.
Homer [When the house is on fire] : When a fire starts to burn there's a lesson you must learn, something-something then you'll see, you'll avoid catastrophe, D'oh!
Lisa : 'Tis better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. Homer brain : What does that mean? Better say something or they'll think you're stupid.
Homer : Takes one to know one. Homer brain : Swish.
Lets just plop them in front of the TV. I was raised in front of the TV and I turned out TV.
Feelin' stupid? I am!
Homer : Let that be a lesson to you, sweetie. Never love anything. Lisa : Even you? Homer : Especially me.
I've got two questions. One, where's the fife? And two, gimme the fife.
Chief justice of the supreme court. What great men he would join - John Marshall, Charles Evans Hughes, Warren Berger, mmmm burger.
Homer : I will give up the civil war recreation society I so dearly love. Bart : And I will take up smoking and give that up! Homer : Good boy, that's a tough thing to have to go through. Here's a dollar. Lisa : But he didn't DO anything! Homer : Didn't he lisa, didn't he?
My hotdog has a first name, its h-o-m-e-r, my hotdog has a second name, its h-o-m-e-r!
Bart : Homer, are you licking toads? Homer : I'm not not licking toads.
Ooh, I'll never eat chili again ... Woohoo CHILI!
Aah! Hey, get off my sugar. Bad bees! Bad! Ow. Oww! Oh, they're defending themselves somehow!
Marge, it's 3 AM. Shouldn't you be cooking or something?
I don't have to be careful, I've got a gun.
It is better to watch things then to do them.
Do you want the job done right, or do you want it done fast?
I won't lie to you, fatherhood isn't easy like motherhood.
I shaved my bikini zone for nothing?
You know something Marge? It's not that hard being a film cricket.
Some people say I look like Dan Ackroyd.
Kiss my hairy yellow butt.
It's rainin' man! MOE - Not no more it ain't.
Gassy? Gassy? Is it gas? It's gas isn't it.
We got more gongs than the great dancing robot that caught on fire.
Hello Mr. Burns? This is your mother.
Marge, are we Jewish? MARGE-No Homer. HOMER-Woohoo!
Jump free willie, jump with all your might!
I haven't learned a thing.
Stupid T.V. be more funny.
Call Mr. Plow, that's my name, that name again is Mr. Plow.
Nacho, nacho man. I want to be a nacho man.
So we won't be able to pee in the drinking fountain?
Who wants to help poor people anyway? Nobody.
Marge, I got sprayed by a skunk.
Oh no, I'm sweating like Roger Ebert.
Yummie yummie yummie I got love in my tummy and I feel like loving you.
How come the bear can crap in the woods and I can't?
Oh! nobody panic. There is plenty of spray for me.
Marge, you
better do what the bird says.
Lisa, we can hike anytime. This is
a chance to see CARS driving.
Flanders, since when did YOU come
to see anything cool? ( car race ).
From now on I'll never
leave the room without saying how much I love you and ... this takes a
long time. May be a pat on your butt will do ...[pat] that's it.
Bart : Do you even have a job anymore? Homer : It is pretty
obvious that I don't. [Filming Ned after Maude's death].
Ned
Flanders - The man with the chest! [filming Ned for dating agency].
I am the one who drove her [Maude] out of her seat. I am the
who wanted that shirt. I am the one who blocked the emergency van
preventing the resuscitation ... No use pointing fingers now. [Maude
Flander's death].
Homer : You think Maude is not dating in heaven? The heaven is full of eligible bachelors ... John Wayne, Tupak Shakur, Sherlock Holmes. Ned Flanders : Homer, Sherlock Holmes is a character. Homer : He sure is ... grhhhhh ...
Homer : Those floozies we married in Vegas will be mad about you, Flanders Marge : What floozies in Vegas? Homer : Marge, we are
trying to help FLANDERS now.
Ned : Homer, that sprinkler is MINE. Homer : You see ... you should let go of things, Flanders.
Why are you torturing me? I am just a man [to PBS on TV].
Lisa : Mom, Dad is on PBS. Marge : They don't show police
chases, do they?
Homer : Help me. I'll help you with your next
charity scam. Brother Faith : It's charity DRIVE.
We're simple folks, here at Springfield. We like our bars open and banks closed. [PBS pledge debacle].
Jesus, where are you? Owww [cry].
[Homer, the missionary].
Me Homer. I'm hiding from PBS.
Without TV, it is hard to know when one day ends and another begins.
I gave you a glitterous Vegas and you turned it into a crappy Atlantic City. [Homer, the missionary].
Now either grab a stone or go to hell. [Homer, the missionary].
You dear dear man, you're one of us beautiful people now. [facelifted Moe].
It's time to get some closure ... EXTREEME closure.
It's not nearly as complicated as Moe made it seem. [pouring beer from a tap].
God bless native America.
Sorry son, though they look strange to
us, we have to respect their traditions. [Native Indians].
Homer : What a horrible future we live in! Bart : You mean present.
Well, I have this robotic prostrate, but you cannot see it ... Oh! you can.
Marge : Don't we have to wait for Lisa?
After all, she is the President. Homer : She knows when the dinner time is.
Lisa, the President : So what have you been doing?
Homer : Looking for Lincoln's gold. Lisa : That's a myth. Lincoln
did not hide any gold in the White House. Homer : Then what is Lincoln's ghost protecting?
Mr.BURNS, I think we trust the PRESIDENT of Cuba!!! ( with a trillion-dollar bill ).
I have a "TO-DO pile!?!
Marge : Homer, get ready. You're late for work. Homer : They said if I come in late again, they'll fire me. I cannot take that chance.
What can you do ... sex sells. [about a cereal commercial involving itchy-scratchy violence].
That's a pretty big kaboose for a baby.
Homer : That baby-proofing crook wanted to sell us baby-proofing things for the electrical outlets. I'll draw scary faces on them. Marge : Maggi is not afraid of bunny faces anymore. Homer : She will be.
Homer : Meanwhile get a nice smooth Buddha. Appu : But we are Hindus. Homer : So am I, but I don't get all puffy about it. [baby-proofing Homer].
Lisa : Where are we going to live?
Homer : How about that house? Lisa : There are people living there. You can see them throught those tiny windows. Homer : Lousy show-offs.
Marge : Are you sure this is safe? Homer : Ofcourse Not.
Where is Waldo? Aw! this is will be a lot easy without all these people here.
Lisa : Dad, the bride and the groom should cut the cake. Homer : Oh! that's just superstition.
Better now than when you're too old to get a man.
Don't worry. She'll be here sooner or later to finish off Becky. Then we'll
have our mommy back.
I heard she mates with men and then she eats them. [about "crazy" Marge].
Lisa : Dad, where are the backseats? Homer : I had to sell them for gas money.
Marge : May be you should see a financial planner. Homer : Financial Panther, eh?
Homer : Mr.Burns, I would like a raise. Burns : What kind of a raise? Homer : WHOPPING.
I may be naked and reeking with panda love, but I have my dignity.
Homer : I don't have to rehearse ... Oh! Oh! Oh! Merry .... line? Bart : Christmas.
You're having a family barbeque and you didn't invite ME??? ( to Flanders ).
I am trying to impress people, Lisa. You cannot make friends with salad.
My heart was in the right place, you JERK!
Gee, ugly is such a smelly word.
... because that's the kind of guy I am ... ... this week.
I don't mind being called a liar when I am lying, when I am about to lie or just finished lying ... but not when I am telling the truth.
I wanted to write Disco Stud, but I ran out of space. [ Disco Stu jacket from the 70s ]
Mmmm ... big shot. Why can't he stay in his own state? [President George Bush I]
Alright ... his story checks out. [researching Bush's story]
Eh ... Those phonies are sucking up to Bush.
First he invades my turf. Then he takes all my pals. Then he makes fun of the way I talk ... probably. Then he interferes in my raising a disobedient, smartalecky son.
Hiding behind your koons, eh? Yoooooooo are a wimp. [Bush]
Homer : I'll have to hit him where
he lives. Bart : His house? Homer : Bingo.
You brought some of your commie friends to fight dirty, eh? [Bush and Gorbachev]
Bush : I am sorry I spanked your boy. Homer : Ooh! Ooh! in your face, Bush. Now apologize for the taxes.
Marge : I am not
paying for sex, Homer. Homer : Come on, Marge, you get something in
return. I get my bowling team. It's a win-win situation.
Hey,
now is the time for asking Mr.Burns anything. He is doped up or dying
or something.
Marge : Mmm! No! [pulls gun from Homer] No one’s using this gun! The TV said you’re 58 percent more likely to shoot a family member than an intruder! Homer : TV said that ...? But I have to have a gun! It’s in the Constitution! Lisa : Dad! The Second Amendment is just a remnant from revolutionary days. It has no meaning today! Homer : You couldn’t be more wrong, Lisa. If I didn’t have this gun, the king of England could just walk in here anytime he wants and start shoving you around. [pushing Lisa] Do you want that? [pushing her harder] Huh? Do you? Lisa : [quietly indignant] No ... Homer: All right, then.
Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding,'you're making a scene'.
Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night.
Marge : You are a member of a very exclusive club. Homer : The Black Panthers?
"And by the Sacred Parchment, I swear that if I reveal the secrets of The Stonecutters, may my stomach become bloated and my head be plucked of all but three hairs" [Stonecutters Oath].
Herman, how could you? We've all thought about counterfeiting jeans at one time or another, but what about the victims? Hard-working designers, like Calvin Klein, Gloria Vanderbilt, or Antoine Bugle Boy. These are the people who saw an overcrowded marketplace and said, "Me, too!"
You can be the first to try out the new guest bedroom I built. Remember, if the building inspector comes by, it's not a room, it's a windowbox.
Marge, what's wrong? Are you hungry? Sleepy? Gassy? Gassy? Is it gas? It's gas, isn't it?
Lisa : Dad, I think he's an ivory dealer. His boots are ivory, his hat is ivory, and I'm pretty sure that cheque is ivory. Homer : Lisa, a guy who's got lots of ivory is less likely to hurt Stampy than a guy whose ivory supplies are low.
Oh, everything's cruel according to you. Keeping him chained up in the backyard is cruel. Pulling on his tail is cruel. Yelling in his ears is cruel. Everything is cruel. So excuse me if I'm cruel.
Lisa : Dad, please, for the last time, I beg you: don't lower yourself to the level of the mob! Homer : Lisa, maybe if I'm part of that mob, I can help steer it in wise directions. Now, where's my giant foam cowboy hat and airhorn?
Bart : We have to go to that show. Lisa : To get those tickets our parents would have to be part of Springfield's cultural elite.
Homer : Can you believe Flanders threw out a perfectly good toothbrush
?
Marge : How was your day at work, dear? Homer: Oh, the usual. Stand in front of this, open that, pull down this, bend over, spread apart that, turn your head that way, cough ...
Why did this have to happen during primetime, when TV's brightest stars come out to shine?
Marge : I know we didn't ask for this, Homer, but doesn't the bible say, "Whatsoever you do to the least of my brothers, that you do unto me?" Homer : Yes, but doesn't the bible also say, "Thou shalt not take moochers into thy hut?
Millicent
: Our ponies start at five thousand dollars. Cash. Homer : Isn't there like a pound where you can pick up cheap ponies that ran away from home?
Marge : We can't afford to buy a pony. Homer : Marge, with today's gasoline prices, we can't afford not to buy a pony.
Michael : Hi. I'm Michael Jackson, from the Jacksons.
Homer : I'm Homer Simpson, from the Simpsons.
Billy : Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins. Homer : Homer Simpson, smiling politely.
Bart : You know, Grampa kinda smells like that trunk in the garage where the bottom's all wet. Lisa : Nuh-uh, he smells more like a photo lab. Homer : Stop it, both of you! Grampa smells like a regular old man, which is more like a hallway in a hospital.
Lisa : Dad, I think that's pretty spurious. Homer : Well, thank you, honey.
Skinner : Tonight Sherbet's, heh, heh, Schubert's Unfinished Symphony. Homer : Oh, good, unfinished. This shouldn't last long.
You know that little ball you put on the aerial so you can find your car in a parking lot? That should be on every car … And some things are so snazzy they never go out of style! Like tail fins! And bubble domes! And shag carpeting! I want a horn here, here and here. You can never find a horn when you're mad. And they should all play 'La Cucaracha.'
Marge : Homer, you're his father. You've got to reason with him. Homer : Oh, that never works. He's a goner!
Homer : Wait a minute, Skinner. How do we know some principal over in France isn't pulling the same scam you are? Skinner : Well, for one thing, you wouldn't be getting a French boy. You would be getting an Albanian. Homer : You mean all white with pink eyes?
Marge : Homer, is this some kind of stag party? Homer : No, no, Marge. It's going to be very classy, a tea-and-crumpets kind of thing. Marge : Hmmm. Eugene Fisk? Isn't he your assistant? Homer : No! My supervisor. Marge : Didn't he used to be your assistant? Homer : Hey, what is this? The Spanish Exposition?
Lisa, two wrongs DO make a right.
Well, you're to blame for not being here. So in a way, this is all your fault. Well, this is you mess and I'll be damned if I'm having anything to do with it.
A gun is not a weapon Marge, it’s a tool. Like a butcher knife, or a harpoon, or ... or an alligator.
It seems that the cat has been caught by the very person who was trying to catch him.
Stupidity, eh?
I'm sorry Marge, but sometimes I think we're the worst family in town. Marge : Maybe
we should move to a larger community.
Are you really going to ignore Grampa for the rest of your life? Of course not, just for the rest of his life.
So, like us, let your children run wild and free, because, as the old saying goes, let your children run wild and free.
I can’t live the buttoned down life like you. I want it all! The terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles! Sure, I might offend a few of the blue-noses with my cocky stride and musky odors - oh, I’ll never be the darling of the so-called ‘City Fathers’ who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about what’s to be done with this Homer Simpson?
The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let's see. Don't tattle. Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything, unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do. What else ...
Bart : Yeah, among other things, apes can't get into heaven. Homer : What? Those cute little monkeys? That's terrible. Who told you that? Bart : Our teacher. Homer : I can understand how they wouldn't let in those wild jungle apes, but what about those really smart ones who live among us? Who roller-skate and smoke cigars?
Because sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves!
You heard me, I won't be in for the rest of the week. ... I told you! My baby beat me up! ... No, it is not the worst excuse I ever thought up. ...
Ah, good ol' trustworthy beer. My love for you will never die.
Quiet you kids. If I hear one more word, Bart doesn't get to watch cartoons, and Lisa doesn't get to go to college.
Bart : I am through with working. Working is for chumps. Homer : Son, I'm proud
of you. I was twice your age before I figured that out.
Marge, I can't wear a pink shirt to work. Everybody wears white shirts. I'm not popular enough to be different ...
Marge : I'm not sure about the people Bart's working for. I think they're criminals.
Homer : A job's a job. I mean, take me. If my plant pollutes the water and poisons the town, by your logic, that would make me a criminal.
Homer : Here's good news! According to this eye-catching article, SAT scores are declining at a slower rate! Lisa : Dad, I think this paper is a flimsy hodgepodge of pie graphs, factoids and Larry King. Homer : Hey, this is the only paper in America that's not afraid to tell the truth, that everything is just fine.
Bart : Hey, how come Lisa gets a pony? Homer : Because she stopped loving me. Bart : I don't love you either, so give me a moped. Homer : Well, I know you love me, so you don't get squat. Hee hee hee.
If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing.
[Homer searches under the couch for a peanut] Homer : Hmm ... ow, pointy! Eww, slimy. Oh, moving! Ah-ha! Oh, twenty dollars ... I wanted a peanut! Homer's brain : Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts! Homer : Explain how. Homer's brain : Money can be exchanged for goods and services.
"Now there's a haircut you can set your watch to."
- Grandpa Abe Simpson
HOMER SAYS
