Bart : Why the hose, Homer? Homer :
What does it look like? I'll get our letter so wet the ink will run and no one will be able to read it. Bart : Yeah, but don't other people have mail in there? Homer : So a few people won't get a few letters, boo hoo. You know the kind of letters people write! ... Dear somebody you never heard of, how is so and so? Blah blah blah blah blah. Your's truly, Some Bozo ... Big loss!
Lisa : Boy, mom sure will be happy you won 50 dollars. Homer :
You'd think that wouldn't you? But you see, Lisa, your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong, even though they say it's OK in the bible. Lisa : Really? Where? Homer : Uhh ... somewhere in the back.
Homer : Will you all stop worrying about that stupid comet? It's going to be destroyed. Didn't you hear what that guy in the building said? Lisa : But dad, don't you think ... Homer : Lisa, the whole reason we have elected officials is so we don't have to think all the time. Just like that rain forest scare a few years back. Our officials saw there was a problem and they fixed it, didn't they? Lisa : No, Dad, I don't think ... Homer : There's that word again!
When will you people learn? In America we stopped using corporal punishment and things have never been better. The streets are safe, old people strut confidently trough the darkest alleys and the weak and nerdy are admired for their computer programming abilities. So, like us, let your children run wild and free. Because, as the old saying goes, let your children run wild and free.
Life is like a box of donuts ... Mmmm ... donuts ...
Who ever thought a nuclear reactor could be so complicated?
Homer : Kids, let me tell you about another so-called 'wicked' guy. He had long hair and some wild ideas and he didn't always do what other people thought was right. And that man's name was ... I forgot ..
. but the point is ... I forgot ... Marge, you know who I'm talking about. He used to drive that blue car.
Lennie, can you get this sugar daddie off my back?
Ohhhhhhhhh, ya better not slouch, you better get fries, 'cuz if you don't I'm telling you why, Da-da-da's becoming ... a clown ... D'oh!"
Bart : Hey Homer, this house sucks. Homer : Bart, I told you to never use that word! Call me Daddy.
[Lisa tells Homer about Thomas Edison] Homer : No one man can do all that.
You're a liar, honey. A dirty, rotten liar.
[Homer tries to gain passage on an escape rocket.] Homer : I am the piano genius from the movie "Shine." Guard : And your name is ...?
Homer : Uhh ... Shiney McShine.
It says it's for dogs, but she can't read.
Yeah. Wait a minute. It's the guy from TV. My kid's hero ... Cruddy ... Crummy ... Krusty the Clown!
Uh, so. Let's have a conversation. Uh, I think we'll find that we have very little in common.
Don't go easy on each other just because you're brother and sister. I want to see you both fighting for your parents' love.
I don't want to look like a weirdo. I'll just go with a muumuu.
Lisa : So gambling makes a good thing even better? Homer : That's right.
My God, it's like there's some kind of bond between us.
Jeez. No beer ... no opera dogs ...
You're everywhere. You're omnivorous.
You know something, folks, as ridiculous
as this sounds, I would rather feel the sweet breath of my beautiful wife on the back of my neck as I sleep than stuff dollar bills into some stranger's G-string.
Could this be the best day of my life?
Kirk : One day your wife is making
you your favorite meal, the next day you're thawin'a hot dog in a gas station sink. Homer : Oh, that's tough, pal. But it's never gonna happen to me.
The reason I look unhappy is that
tonight I have to see a slide show starring my wife's sisters -- or as I call them, `the gruesome twosome.'
Listen, you big
, stupid space-creature. Nobody, but nobody, eats the Simpsons.
I wore my extra loose pants for nothing. Nothing!
You've been rubbing my nose in it since I got here! Your family is better than my family, your beer comes from farther away than my beer, you and your son like each other, your wife's butt is higher than my wife's butt! You make me sick!
As I got up in front of them, I felt an intoxication that had nothing to do
with alcohol. It was the intoxication of being a public spectacle.
Homer : What?! Flanders! You're the Devil?
Devil Flanders : Ho-oh, it's always the one you least suspect.
I can't believe I ate the whole thing.
Barney : Boy, you never stop eating and you don't gain a pound. Homer : It's my metaba-ma-lism. I guess I'm just one of the lucky ones.
Did you hear that, Marge? She called me a baboon! The stupidest, ugliest, smelliest ape of them all!
Holy Moly The bastard's rich!
Love isn't hopeless. Look, maybe I'm no expert on the subject, but there was one time I got it right.
Keep brain from freezing.
Lurleen, I can't get your song outta my mind. I haven't felt this way since `Funky Town.'
Marge : Homer, you're his father. You've got to reason with him. Homer : Oh, that never works. He's a goner!
I
thought there was chocolate inside ... Well, why was it wrapped in foil?
I don't care if Ned Flanders is the nicest guy in the world. He's a jerk -- end of story.
Homer : Boy, you don't have to follow in my footsteps. Bart : Don't worry, I don't even like using the bathroom after you. Homeer : Why you
little ...!
I wish for a turkey sandwich on rye bread with
lettuce and mustard. And -- and I don't want any zombie turkeys,
I don't want to turn into a turkey myself, and I don't want any other weird surprises -- you got it?
Homer : I'm a bad father. Selma : You're also fat. Homer : I'm also fat.
Foul temptress. I'll bet she thinks Ziggy's gotten too preachy, too.
It all happened at the beginning of that turbulent decade known as the eighties. Those were idealistic days ... the candidacy of John Anderson, the rise of Supertramp.
It was an exciting time to be young.
Twenty of the suckiest
minutes of my life.
Homer : I don't want you to see me sitting on my worthless butt. Bart : We've seen it, Dad.
Homer : There couldn't be heaven if there weren't a hell.
Bart : Who's in there? Homer : Oh, uh ... Hitler's dog. And that dog Nixon had, whassisname, um, Chester ... Lisa : Checkers. Homer : Yeah! One of the Lassies is in there, too. The mean one ... the one that mauled Jimmy.
Losers Losers!
Kiss my big Springfield behind, Shelbyville!
Karl : You don't belong here. You're a fraud and a phony and it's only a matter of time until they find you out. Homer (gasps) : Who told you?
Kirk : What makes you guys so special Homer :
Because Marge and I have one thing that can never be broken - a
strong marriage built on a solid foundation of routine.
Oh, honey, I didn't get drunk, I just went to a strange fantasy world.
I'll get a bunch of monkeys, dress 'em up, and make 'em reenact the Civil War! Heh, heh, heh!
Homer : Your mother and I have been thinking about giving the puppies
away. Bart and Lisa : Noooooo! Homer : Mainly your mother.
It was the most I ever threw up and it changed my life forever.
Homer : Little baby batter, Can't control his bladder! Burns : Mmm ... Crude, but I like it. What do you say we freshen up out little drinkie poos? Homer : Don't mind if I do.
Hey! Let's do that 2,000-pound man thing. I'll be that Carl Reiner guy and you be what's-his-face.
And anyone
can be tooted?
Flanders : Homer, affordable tract housing made us neighbors, but you made us friends. Homer : To Ned Flanders, the richest left-handed man in town.
Marge! I'm two-thirty-nine and I'm feeling fine!
I know you're mad at me right now, and I'm kinda mad too ... I mean, we could sit here
and try to figure out who forgot to pick up who till the cows come home. But let's just say we're both wrong and that'll be that.
Yeah. Maybe I do have the right ... What's that stuff?
Hello? Yes? Oh! Heh, heh, uh ... if you're looking for that big donut of yours ... um, Flanders has it. Just smash open his house. (Closing the door.) He came to life. Good for him.
He may have come up with the recipe, but I came up with the idea of charging $6.95 for it.
Wh ... what's going
on? Wh ... wha ... why am I on a Japanese box?
Wait a minute, Marge. I saw 'Mrs.Doubtfire.' This is a man in drag!
Abe : I used to be `with it.' But then they changed what `it'
was. Now what I'm `with' isn't `it' and what's `it' seems weird and scary to me. It'll happen to you. Homer : No way, man. We're gonna keep on rockin' forever!
Yes! Oh, yes! Read it and weep! In your face ... I got more chicken bone!
Must destroy mankind! (His watch alarm goes off) Ooh, lunchtime!
Okay, Marge, as long as we're traumatizing the kids, I have a scandalous story of my own.
Out at five, catch General Sherman at five-thirty, clean him at six, eat him at six-thirty, back in bed by seven with no incriminating evidence. Heh heh heh.
The perfect crime.
Pfft. Now you tell me.
I'll work from midnight to eight, come home, sleep for five minutes, eat
breakfast, sleep six more minutes, shower, then I have ten minutes to bask in Lisa's love, then I'm off to the power plant fresh as a daisy.
Come here, you little raven.
Homer
: The secret ingredient is ... Moe : Homer, no! Homer : Cough syrup! Nothing but plain, ordinary, over-the-counter children's cough syrup!
It could be one of these chemicals here that makes him so smart. Lisa, maybe you should try some of this.
That shot is impossible! Jack Nicholson himself couldn't make it!
Homer : I keep hearing this horrible irregular thumping noise. Pump Jockey : It's your heart. And I think it's on its last thump. Homer : Whew, I was afraid it was my transmission.
Rock 'n' Roll had become stagnant. `Achy Breaky Heart' was seven years away. Something had to fill the void and that something was barbershop.
Flanders! My socks feel dirty! Gimme some water to wash 'em!
Um, it's like, uh ... did anyone see the movie `Tron'?
Homer : This
place is depressing. Grampa : Hey! I live here. Homer : Oh, well, I'm sure it's a blast once you get used to it.
Selma : It's time to give away my love like so much cheap wine.
Homer : Take it to the hoop, Selma!
Burns : Good Lord, Smithers! You look atrocious. I thought I told you to take a vacation. Homer : Uh, Smithers already left, sir. I'm his replacement, Homer Simpson.
Bart : Oh, cheer up, Mom. You can't buy publicity like that. Thousands and thousands of people saw your pretzels injuring Whitey Ford. Homer : You can call them Whitey-whackers!
Oh, `no attitude,' eh? Not `in your face,' huh? Well, you can cram it with walnuts, ugly!
Two-hundred-thirty-nine pounds?! I'm a blimp! Why are all the good
things so tasty?
And thank you most of all for nuclear power, which is yet to cause a single proven fatality, at least in this country.
Bart : I had a fight with Milhouse.
Homer : hat four-eyes with the big nose? You don't need friends like that.
Bart : Wow, Dad, you took a baptismal for me. How do you feel? Homer : Oh, Bartholomew, I feel like St. Augustine of Hippo after his conversion by Ambrose of Milan.
Good morning, fellow employee. You'll notice that I am now a model worker. We should continue this conversation later, during the designated break periods. Sincerely, Homer Simpson.
Apu : You look familiar, sir. Are you on the television or something? Homer : Sorry, buddy. You got me confused with Fred Flintstone.
Marge : Homer, remember you promised you'd
try to limit pork to six servings a week? Homer : Marge, I'm only human.
Oh my God, someone's trying to kill me! Oh wait
, it's for Bart.
It all happened during the magical summer of 1985. A maturing Joe Piscopo left `Saturday Night Live' to conquer Hollywood; People Express introduced a generation of hicks to plane travel; and I was in a barbershop quartet.
Burns : I can't understand a word you're saying. Homer : My name is Homer Simpson! Burns : You're just babbling incoherently ... Homer : Oh, you're a dead man, Burns. Oh, you're dead! You're dead, Burns!
Woman : Your son was trespassing on my property and destroyed a very valuable stone gargoyle and ... Are you wearing a grocery bag? Homer : I have
misplaced my pants.
Anyway, we'd like to thank you for the occasional moments of peace and love our family's experienced
... well, not today. You saw what happened. Oh, Lord, be honest
. Are we the most pathetic family in the universe, or what?
This is the greatest thrill of my life! I'm king of the world! Wooo, wooo! Wooo, wooo!
Homer : Ooh, look at this one! The Hammer of Thor! (Reading) "It will send your pins to
... Valhalla?" Lisa? Lisa : Valhalla is where vikings go when they die. Homer : Ooh, that's some ball.
Marge : Name one of your child's friends. Homer : Uh, let's see, Bart's friends ... Well, there's the fat kid with the thing; uh, the little wiener whose always got his hands in his pockets.
Marge : I know we didn't ask for this, Homer, but doesn't the Bible say, "Whatsoever you do to the least of my brothers, that you do unto me ...?" Homer : Yes, but doesn't the Bible also say, "Thou shalt not take moochers into thy hut?"
Homer : All right, Herb. I'll lend you the 2,000 bucks. But you have to
forgive me and treat me like a brother. Herb : Nope. Homer
: All right, then, just give me the drinking bird.
Burns : Well, Simpson, I must say, once you're been through something like that with a person, you never want to see that person again.
Homer : You said it, you weirdo.
Marge : Maybe it'll turn out that he was innocent all along. Homer : Earth to Marge. Earth to Marge. I was there ... the clown's G-I-L-L-T-Y.
Oh, cruel fate. Why do you mock me?
Maybe I should just cut my losses, give up on Lisa and make a fresh start with Maggie.
Gee, if some snot-nosed little kid sent me to prison, the first thingI'do when I get out, I'd find out where he lives, and tear him a new belly button.
Homer : Is this episode going on the air live? June Bellamy : No, Homer. Very few cartoons are broadcast live ... it's a terrible strain on the animators' wrists.
Homer : Hey, Burns! Eat my shorts! Burns : Who the Sam Hill was that?
Even the Chinese are against me.
Homer : Here's your magazines. How many of these guys are named Corey? Lisa : Eight. Thanks, Dad.
No, I do not know what the Schadenfreude is. Please tell me, because I'm dying to know.
Marge, let's end this feudin' and a-fussin' and get down to some lovin'.
The weak
and nerdy are admired for their computer-programming abilities.
Marge : We're just going to have to cut down on luxuries.
Homer : Well, you know, we're always buying Maggie vaccinations for diseases she doesn't even have.
Thank you,
Bill Cosby, you saved the Simpsons!
I'm used to seeing people promoted ahead of me ... friends, co-workers, Tibor. I never thought it'd be my own wife.
Reverend Lovejoy : Homer
, this is really low. Homer : Not as low as my low, low prices!
Sure, I might offend a few of the blue-noses with my cocky stride and musky odors ... oh, I'll never be the darling
of the so-called `City Fathers' who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about `What's to be done with this Homer Simpson".
It's okay, Marge. I've learned my lesson. A mountain of sugar is too much for one man. It's clear now why God portions it out in those tiny packets and why he lives on a plantation in Hawaii.
You want the truth? You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! 'Cause when you reach over and
put your hand into a pile of goo that used to be your best friend's face, you'll know what to do!
Homer : You can let him down gently, but over the next couple of months, I want you to break it off. Marge : Um, okay, Homer. Homer : Whoof! That was a close one, kids.
Man : You must be stupider than
you look. Homer : Stupider like a fox!
Lenny : Yeah, he got injured on the job and they sent him home with pay. Pfft. It's like a lottery that rewards stupidity. Homer : Stupidity,
eh?
Marge : I would love you if you weighed 1,000 pounds but ... Homer : Beautiful. Good Night!
Oh, I always wanted to be a teamster. So lazy and surly.
This is the darkest day in the history of Springfield. If anybody wants me
I'll be in the shower.
All right, I have thought this through. I will send Bart the money to fly home, then I will murder him.
Hey, if you want wild bears eatin' your children and scarin' your salmon, that's your business. But I'm not gonna take it! Who's with me?
Marge : You don't have to join a freak show just because the opportunity came along.
Homer : You know, Marge, in some ways you and I are very different people.
Homer : We chained Hugo up in the attic like an animal and fed him a bucket of fish heads once a week.
Marge : It saved out marriage!
Bart : Can I be a boozehound? Homer : Not till you're 15.
Flanders : You know, Simpson, I feel kinda silly, but, uh, you know, what the
hey, you know ... kinda reminds me of my good ole fraternity days
. Homer : D'oh! Oh my God! He's enjoying it! [Dead Putting Society].
Marge, look at me! We've been separated for a day and I'm as dirty as a Frenchman. In another few hours, I'll be dead. I can't afford to lose your trust again.
I'm just saying, why not have two geniuses in the family? Sort of a spare in case Bart's brain blows up.
I couldn't very well chop your hand off and bring it to the store, could I?
Herb : All born in wedlock? Homer : Yeah, though the boy was a close call.
Oooh ... maca-ma-damia nuts!
He's taking funny talk.
Marge : We can't afford to buy a pony. Homer : Marge, with today's gasoline prices, we can't afford NOT to buy a pony.
They said the same thing about Urkle; that little snot. Boy I'd like to smack that kid.
Laser effects, mirrored balls ... John Williams must be rolling around in his grave.
Well, I acquired it legally, you can be sure of that
.
Come on, honey. You work yourself stupid for this family.
If anyone deserves to be wrapped up in seaweed and buried in mud, it's you.
Woman : I'm not going to press charges, but I assume you'll want to punish him. Homer : 'Preciate the suggestion, lady, but he hates that. And I gotta live with him.
Bart : You're the man, Homer.
It's a fixer-upper. What's the problem? We get a bunch of priests in here ...
It's your child versus mine! The winner will be showered with praise, the loser will be taunted and booed until my throat is sore.
It's wonderful, it's magical. Oh boy, here it comes. Another mouth.
I guess Bart's not to blame. He's lucky, too, because it's spanking season and I got a hankering for some spankering!
Who spread garbage all over Flanders's yard before I got a chance to?
Homer : I suppose you want to probe me. Well, you might as well get it over with. Kang : Stop! We have reached the limits of what rectal probing can teach us.
He gets it from your side of the family, you know. No monsters on my side.
Why don't those stupid idiots let me in their crappy club for jerks?
So if we don't all vote the same way, we'll be deadlocked and have to
be sequestered in the Springfield Palace Hotel ...
Woo Hoo! Good news everybody! Because I endangered lives, we can fly anywhere we want!
What's everyone so worked up about? So there's a comet. Big deal. It'll burn up in out atmosphere and whatever's left will be no bigger than a chihuahua's head.
There are perfectly good answers to those questions, but they'll have to wait for another night.
Homer : Look at that. I'm the first non-Brazilian person to travel backwards through time.
Carpal Tunnel Syndrome? No. Lumber Lung? No. Jugglers despair? No. Achy-Breaky Pelvis? No. Oh, I'm never going to be disabled. I'm sick of being so healthy! Hey wait -- Hyper-Obesity
. If you weigh more than 300 pounds, you qualify as disabled!
Homer/Apu/Moe : You can do it, Otto! You can do it, Otto! Apu : Make this spare, I'll give you free gelato! Moe : Then go back to my place where I will get you blotto! Homer : Domo arigato, Mister Roboto!
Marge : It was a beautiful wedding. I've never seen Selma happier. Homer : That reminds me -- Troy said something interesting last night at the bar. Apparently he doesn't really love Selma and the marriage is just a sham to help his career.
Homer : Dig him up!!! Dig up that corpse! If you really love Jebediah Springfield, you'll haul his bones out of the ground to prove my daughter wrong! Dig up his grave! Pull out his tongue! Quimby : Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with us digging up a corpse?
Around the house, I never lift a finger. As a husband and father I'm sub-par. I'd rather drink a beer than win Father of the Year. I'm happy with things the way they are.
Bart : You know, Grampa kinda smells like that trunk in the garage where
the bottom's all wet. Lisa : Nuh-uh, he smells more like a photo lab. Homer : Stop it, both of you! Grampa smells like a regular old man, which is more like a hallway in a hospital.
Homer : We always have one good kid and one lousy kid. Why can't both our kids be good? Marge : We have three kids, Homer.
It's just that I've only seen this movie twice before and I've seen you every night for the last eleven ye ...
aha. What I mean to say is ... We'll snuggle tomorrow, sweetie. I promise.
This is even more painful than it looks.
Michael : Hi. I'm Michael Jackson, from The Jacksons. Homer : I'm Homer Simpson, from the Simpsons.
Homer : I want everyone to know that this is Ned Flanders ... my friend
Lenny : What'd he say? Carl : I dunno. Somethin' about being gay.
Oh everything's cruel according to you. Keeping him chained us in the backyard is cruel. Pulling his tail is cruel. Yelling in his ears is cruel. Everything is cruel. So excuse me if I'm cruel.
Homer : You know what? Grampa : What?
Homer : We're both screw-ups.
Homer : Marge, it's 3 a.m. and I worked all day! Marge : It's 9:30 p.m. and you spent your whole Saturday drinking beer in Maggie's kiddie pool.
Marge : You will not be getting a tattoo forChristmas. Homer :
Yeah. If you want one, you'll have to pay for it out of your own allowance. [Bart].
Merchant : Sir, I must strongly advise you, do not purchase this. Behind every wish lurks grave misfortune. I, myself, was one president of Algeria. Homer : C'mon, pal, I don't want to hear your life story! Paw me.
Cable. It's more wonderful than I dared hope.
Ohh, my son doesn't stand a chance! The whole world has gone gay!
Marge : This is the best gift of all, Homer. Homer : It is? Marge : Yes, something to share our love. And frighten prowlers.
I've figured out the boy's punishment. First, he's grounded. No leaving the house, not even for school. Second,
no eggnog. In fact, no nog, period. And third, absolutely no stealing for three months.
Homer : I'm just a big fool.
Karl : Oh no, you're not! Homer : How do you know? Karl : Because my mother taught me never to kiss a fool!
Coyote : Fear not, Homer. I am your spirit guide. Homer : Hiya.
Coyote : There is a lesson you must learn. Homer : If it's about laying off the insanity peppers, I'm way ahead of you.
Bart : Hey, Santa, what's shaking? Homer : What's your name, Bart ... ner? ... er, little partner? Bart : I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?
Time to fertilize the lawn. A couple of 500-pound bags should do it!
Nice man ... I wonder if he is gay. [at the Navy Reserve].
Relax Marge, we
live in a technological age where fighting a war is as easy as
turning off the light. [claps to turn off the light, in vain].
Homer : Oh, he did, eh? I'll get you a weapon of the biggest
destructive power. Marge : Homer! Homer : But only if you'r good. (whispers) ... even if you're not.
Yes, he is
handsome in an ugly sort of way.
Homer : A dishonorable
discharge. Marge : That's the best we can hope for. Homer :
You cannot spell dishonorable without honorable.
Oh! I'll
kill myself if Portugal doesn't win. [soccer match].
Let's
try that suffocation thing. [home security with bullet-proof windows].
Gun shop owner : ... and this thing is for
shooting down police helicopters. Homer : I don't need that
... YET.
FIVE DAYS? but I am mad NOW.
How can I go on
for five days without shooting something?
Gun shop owner :
You hit president Bush. Homer : FORMER president Bush.
[background check for buying a gun].
See you in hell,
dinner plate.
Marge : I said NO guns at the dinner table.
Homer : But this is breakfast table. Marge : It's the SAME
TABLE!
Marge : I am a lucky woman. Homer : And I am a
wonderful man.
Marge : You said you'll get rid of the gun.
Homer : I thought I put it in a safe place, Marge. Who would
have thought the boy would look in the vegetable crisper?
This gun cost me everything ... my wife ... my kids ... except my
precious precious precious gun.
Oh! Marge, there are so
many things I need to yell to you. [at the motel].
Homer :
The joke is on you. There are no bullets in that gun. Robber :
(pointing the gun) Okay, give me the bullets. Homer : Oh!
don't shoot me.
Homer : Marge, since I'm not talking to Lisa, could you please ask her to pass me the syrup? Marge : Please pass your father the syrup, Lisa. Lisa : Bart, tell dad
I'll only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat products. Bart : You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup, Home boy? Homer : Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice
glass of syrup like I do every morning. Marge : Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart. Homer : Bart thank your mother for pointing that out. Marge : Homer, you're not not talking to me, and secondly, I heard what you said. Homer
: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case. Bart : Ah, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to. Homer : Bart, go to your
room.
You see, the problem is communication. Too much communication.
John Q. Driveway has my number, now it's time to play the waiting game ... Oh, the waiting game sucks, let's play Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Leaves of Grass my ass!
No jokes, no taunting ... that kid's got bosoms! Somebody get me a wet towel! C'mere you butterball.
Uh huh. Uh huh. Okay. Um, can you repeat the part of the stuff where you said all about the ... things? Uh ... the things?
Well, you can't go wrong with cocktail weenies. They taste as good as they look. And they come in this delicious red sauce. It looks like catsup ... it tastes like catsup. But brother, it ain't catsup!
We're laughing with her, Marge. There's a big difference. Ha ha ha! ... with her.
He is not just a man. He is a CARNIE!
Eh, come on, he doesn't have any money. Just look
at his clothes! [to Carnie Supervisor about Bart].
Homer :
I want to be a carnie too! Carnie Supervisor : I don't know. Will you get drunk and cause a lot of trouble? Homer : Whatever you want.
Carnie : Why didn't you bribe him?
Homer : I was TRYING to. But the opportunity never came up. [regarding the ring-toss game at the carnival].
Marge :
Happy Love Day, everyone! Lisa : Mom, it's just another day
they made up. Homer : Lisa, don't you ruin another Love Day.
Good news, everyone. I got into a fight with the garbage
men and they cut off our service.
I would rather live in a
dump than in a world run by snooty garbage men.
Bart : But
you always tell me and Lisa to apologize. Homer : Yes I do.
But secretly I am always disappointed when you do.
Bald woman : Eh! this is a restricted area. Homer : Take a hike, Kojak! [at the U2 concert].
Did we lose a war? That is not America. That is not even Mexico. [Homer, the candidate for Sanitation Commissioner].
Sanitation Commissioner : Sorry
I am late. [furiously looks at Homer]. Somebody tampered with my
brakes. Homer : Then you should have been here early.
Sanitation Commissioner : I can't believe what I am hearing!
Homer : Then you better turn up your hearing aid, pops.
Sanitation Commissioner : You are going to crash and burn, my
dear fat friend. Homer : Then we are still friends, right?
TV news : "The scientists have announced that the Springfield air is harmful only to children and the elderly."
Homer : WOOHOO!!!
Homer : I swear on my dad's grave that
I'll get you a present. [for Bart's birthday]. Abe : Heh!
My prices are so low you will think that I'm brain-damaged.
[Homer, the Mr.Plow].
Bart : Are you licenced to sell ...
Homer : Shut up boy.
Animation ... It's so great. It's
way better than ... ... whatever its alternative is.
Wait .
.. wait ... was that cat making out with that mouse?
Dont' spray or neuter your friends (Homer the animation comic).
[After watching the spectacle of Homer pretending to be himself, Marge and lisa behind a plant at the bank] Banker : Huh! here's your life savings. Homer : Oh yeah! it is in bills!
Marge : You lost all our money? Homer : I didn't lose
ALL our money. I had enough for this cow bell. [rings it and the bell falls apart]. ... Damn you, Ebay.
Come on Marge, it is
Uterus not UterU [a money making idea by making Marge a surrogate mother].
Eh! I came here to be drugged, electrocuted and prodded, not insulted [Homer, the research subject].
... and they gave me this nerd ensemble.
[to Flanders] I was working on a flat tax proposal and I accidentally proved that there is no God. [Homer, the brainy guy after removing the crayon from his brain].
Mmm ... I smell a distinct odor of anti-intellectualism in this tavern [Homer, the brainy guy].
Is there no place for a man with a 105 IQ?
Mmmmm ... Hug.
I knew this day would come. The cows
are taking back what's theirs. [redwood tree episode].
(Prison Rodeo Clown episode) Marge : How is your back, Homie? Homer : I can't complain. [points to the sign saying 'No Complaining']. Doctor : That is for the prisoners. Homer : Oh! ... OH GOD! my back! my back! ... and my job is so unfulfilling.
Doctor : The modern medicine has such a bad
track record on the back. We focus mainly on the front. Homer
: Yeah! there is some pretty neat stuff here. [looks down at his crotch].
Homer : Oh my God, my back! That Dr.Steve didn't
do anything. Bart : Did you do the exercises he asked you to do? Yeah right. I did them when you were studying ... ha ha ha
Man : Can you cure my sianac? Homer : I don't know what
that means, but I am going to say yes. [Homer, the chiropractor with a Spino Cylinder at El Clinico Magnifico].
Flanders : Eh! you got a new tennis court. Homer : Keep
walking Flanders. Flanders : Mmm Homer : Faster.
I
love you this much dad. [stretches his hands wide]. But that is under 900 dollars. [Funeral arrangements for Abe Simpson].
Funeral Director : You can have the 17,000 dollar package or you can throw your father to the wolves. Homer : ... we've decided
to go with the wolves.
Heh, check it out, I am surfing the
net. [Homer standing on the tennis net].
Relax Marge, all
sports have their own loveable clowns ... John Rocker ... O.J.Simpson ...
[Homer under therapy with Lisa after Marge rejects him to be her partner in Tennis]. I've been replaced
by some younger in-your-face version of me.
Lisa : Dad, you're over-reacting. Homer : under-reacting. Lisa : This session is OVER. Homer : This session is UNDER. Lisa : Good bye! Homer : Bad bye!
Serena : You're dumping your won daughter? Homer : Only to crush my wife and son. Serena
: That's disgusting. Venus : That's awful. Homer : You seem less disgusted. [to Venus].
[after the whole family has been replaced by professional tennis players] Homer : I am
Andre Agassi. Bart : I am Serena. Homer : He he he ... you
are a girl.
Singing is the lowest form of communication.
[Nanny Sherry Bobbins episode].
[At the Blockoland mirrors] He he he ... I am a robot. Do what I say. He he he ... I am a
washing maching. Do what I say.
... and I gave the man the
directions, even though I didn't know the way ... because ...
that's the kind of guy I am ... ... this week.
Homer : Oh!
how long was I here? Bart : All night. You were yelling at the swing. Homer : I did? but I love that swing. Bart : Dad
, you were NUTS. Homer : Well you know me ... sometimes I'll
be quirky ... Alberquerque.
Mmm ...I am wasting away ... I am down to a B-cup. (juggles his breasts). [Homer on hunger strike for the Springfield Isotopes].
... I am kinda like
Jesus, but not in that sacriligious way.
Mmm ... Me So
Hungy ...
Baby Proofer : See how easily I could be drinking
this ... ... Similac Baby Formula ...? Homer : Oh! NO! [grabs
the plastic bottle from the saleswoman and jumps on it]. ...
This is such an eye opener. I always pictured the kids would die
in the living room!
Dr.J : The child is not supposed to know his own IQ, of course, but as you can see, it's beyond the range of any doubt. [hands Homer a slip of paper] Homer
: Nine hundred and twelve!!?!? Dr.J : Uh, no. You have it upside-down. It's two hundred and sixteen. Homer : [disappointed] Oh!
Marge : It's a big day for you. Why don't you eat something a little more nutritious. Homer : Nonsense, Marge. Frosty Krusty Flakes is what got him where he is today! It must be one of these chemicals here that makes him so smart ... Lisa maybe you should try some of this. Marge : Homer! Homer : I'm just saying, why not have two geniuses in the family? Sort of a spare, in case Bart's brain blows up.
Homer : [thinking to himself] Me in charge of safety?
This place could blow sky-high. Naah, I'll concentrate on my work now. Hey, this guy's desk sure is big. I can't let Marge support the family! This guy's got the cleanest shirt I've ever seen. What should I ... Burns : Simpson! Time's up. Homer :
What the hay, I'll take the job.
Library selling books? Why don't they give them for free? Why do they have to sell them?
Homer : Can any one run three and a half miles in one minute? Lisa : Only in Mars. Homer : Okay, the Simpsons are going to MARS! ... [thinks] ... may be I'll try something else. (for Guinness book)
Homer : I'll play the banjo with a cobra. Guinness People : Technically the cobra is the one playing. Homer : But it's my banjo.
Guinness People : There are thousands of people with no discernable talents. Homer : He he he ... That's called congress.
Guinness People : Congrats, Springfield. You're the fattest town in the country. Homer : Ooh hoo! in your face, Milwakee!
Homer : Oh! if it's not the woman who is too busy saving the world to save her own marriage. Marge : Why didn't you just turn off the oven? Homer : [crying] I was hoping to do it together.
Ooh! sticky spot!!!
Burns : Homer, we need your help to smuggle some sugar from the south of the border
. Homer : From Tennessee???
[fighting with a bird
for a map]. Okay, I'll use reverse psychology. Who needs that paper, anyway? [the bird flies off with the map].
Homer
: Tim is a hero. Lisa : How's that dad? Homer : Well ... he fell down the well ... and can't get out. Lisa : How does that make him a hero? Homer : ... Mmm ... it's more than what YOU ever did.
Don't worry son, just because you're trapped in a well doesn't mean you can't have a full and rich life.
[apologizing on TV for Bart's 'Tim O' Tool in the well' prank] Homer : It's not our fault. We didn't want the boy. He was an accident. Marge : Homer!!!
Marge : Bart, I've knit a sweater to keep you warm down there. Bart : Mom, it's too big. Homer : Don't worry son, you'll grow into it. Marge : Homer!!!
[betting on pro football] TV : Guys, if you're right 58% of the time, you still are wrong 42% of the time. Homer : Why didn't you say that before?
My little girl says the cutest things! [Lisa talking about football]
Waiter : Hi, I am --- I'll be your waiter. Homer : Hi, I am Simpson. I'll be your customer.
Marge : Gambling is illegal. Homer : Only in 48 states.
What's the problem, Marge? Kids are happy and you smell like Meryl Streep. [gambling with Lisa on pro football].
Man : What do you have riding on this game? Homer : My daughter. Man : What a gambler!
Money comes and money goes. What I have is my daughter which will be for 8 more years.
Bart : I think sharing is overrated too. And helping others. And what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance?
HOMER SAYS
