Bobby: You guys are smokin’ here! Wow!
Mike: It’s good to see you. Great night to be here, great little crowd, we’re having a great time.
Bobby: [turning away from the desk to address Elsie] I have to tell you, I think you look beautiful.
Elsie: [smiling widely] Oh, thank you! Isn't he nice?
[cheers from the audience]
Bobby: Incredible. [turns back to Mike] So anyway...
Mike: Are you surprised at the success of QAF? It's in its fourth season now right?
Bobby: Actually we're getting ready to start the third season. I'm not surprised at all, really; it's about time for a show like this. The funny thing is, people tend to think this is mostly about the gay audience, the target audience, but the truth is, more than half the audience are straight women.
[a woman in the studio audience yells, "Yeah!"]
Bobby: Yeah! See? [he points to her and smiles] Thank you, exactly. And apparently they like the cute guys, they relate to the stories or whatnot, but here's the key... I found out that the truth is, women love to watch two guys getting it on! I was really surprised by this, because you hear about two...
Mike: [interrupting] Not my mom!
Bobby: Is she not, really? [laughs]
Mike: I read an article on this, and people have always been under the assumption that women are not aroused by the visual.
Bobby: Right, it’s always, you know, guys like to watch two women... socialization-wise.
Mike: Isn't it funny how we actually have more in common with women than we thought? You know, we love to watch two women...
Bobby: Ah, I get where you're going with this. I actually like to watch two guys, if I must say so myself, which is one of the things that bums me out about the show... it’s such a great rap for the straight guys on the show, because women really relate to the gay guys on the show, so the straight actors get close...
Mike: [interrupting] How many are straight?
Bobby: About half. [continuing his thought] ... and then they slide right in for the kill.
Mike: Which half do you fall into? Are you gay? [editorial comment: Mike is a little slow on the uptake, LOL]
Bobby: Oh yeah, I'm gay. So I guess it's a pretty good rap for me too.
Mike: Did you come out before the show or after the show?
Bobby: Actually, I came out officially last Summer. I’ve always been the leading-man-type guy, and there are no...
Mike: [interrupting] Yeah, 'cause I’ve seen you in Friends where you were romancing Lisa Kudrow...
Bobby: Right, right... which is actually one of the things that caused me to-- [switches gears] I don't know if you know this, but I was a lawyer before all this.
Mike: I didn't know that either.
Bobby: Yeah... I threw down my nickels and got my J.D. [law degree or Doctorate of Jurisprudence] for better or worse...
Mike: A lawyer, an actor, and gay... boy, wait until Stats Can [Statistics Canada, a Federal Government department] gets a hold of you! [audience laughs] You have every criteria they have when they knock on your front door. Angus Reid will use you for an entire poll... that's fantastic!
Bobby: [tongue-in-cheek] I don't think I realized how fortunate I was. It just didn't occur to me, I'm so glad you told me. Wow, good... you made my day.
Mike: So you were a practising lawyer?
Bobby: I was. I was a practising lawyer for a brief time, my firm--the biggest firm in the world--their LA office closed their doors, and I just headed for the hills--the acting hills, that is--and I think I always questioned whether this was a good thing or not...
Mike: Good career choice...
Bobby: ... until I was on the cast of Friends and saw what life could be like... the place was like a dormitory. I was right down the hall from these guys, and their doors were always open. And I'd walk by, and the guys were pretty much always on the pinball machine... one of the guys had nothing in his room except for a huge pinball machine, and they were just always going back and forth, and I thought, 'Okay, I want to do this.'
Mike: [making a list of the benefits] The money...
Bobby: Yeah...
Mike: No heavy lifting...
Bobby: True... a little bit of heavy lifting but it depends on...
Mike: Well, I wouldn't consider Lisa Kudrow heavy lifting. I'd line up for that job!
Bobby: Would you?
Mike: Oh, I find her very sexy.
Bobby: She's married.
Mike: Oh, well that's good, she wouldn't call me on weekends, that's fine. [audience claps and cheers] She’d be busy. She's not going to start stalking me and bothering me, that would work out beautifully.
Bobby: I hear she's very sweet that way, and actually, I was going to say, the women on the show--this is an aside--their rooms are very like their personalities, I guess. Jennifer Aniston, her room was all flowers, and beautifully decorated, and Courtney Cox, it was pretty sparse, except for the fact that she was constantly on the phone, and had her hair all pulled back, and grubby clothes, talking every time you walked by. Lisa Kudrow's room looked like a tornado went through it; there were bags everywhere, all over the place, except for the table, which was clear, with a little candle right in the middle.
Mike: Now, you've kissed Lisa Kudrow...
Bobby: I did.
Mike: And you've kissed my good friend Hal Sparks. Who's better?
Bobby: You're leaving out Lea Thompson.
Mike: You kissed Lea Thompson?
Bobby: Many times.
Mike: Oh, Caroline in the City! You were in that show as well. Didn't you play her husband?
Bobby: I played her boyfriend nine episodes in the third season.
Mike: All right, who's better?
Bobby: Wow, boy that's a loaded question, 'cause somebody's going to be ticked off about that.. I think, because Lisa and Lea are married, I should probably be safe and go with Hal.
Mike: Right.
Bobby: And to tell you the truth, Hal has the best lips.
Elsie: [gets out of her chair and climbs into Bobby's lap] Darlin'!!
[Bobby gives her a kiss, and the audience applauds]
Bobby: Damn! I didn't know this was that kind of show!
Mike: There you go!
Bobby: Whoo! [shakes his head and with an accent, says, "That’s what I’m talking about!"]
Mike: Now Stats Can's REALLY going to be interested in you. That's a May-December from the outer limits. First gay guy in history, turned by an MP.
Bobby: That works for me!
Elsie: You didn't know I had the power, did you?
Mike: Queer As Folks, ladies and gentlemen, Mondays at 10pm on Showcase. Thank you very much, Robert Gant. We'll be right back with Dr. Marla Shapiro.
[commercial break]
Mike: We're back, ladies and gentlemn, and beside me, the man who was recently voted the worst-dressed gay actor...
[Bobby stands up and does a little twirl, showing off an argyle-patterned sweater with sequins which he had put on over top of his shirt during the break. The audience cheers, and Bobby finally sits back down.]
Mike: Our next guest is the host of the new CTV program Balance which premieres on February 10. Please welcome Dr. Marla Shapiro.
Dr. Shapiro's specialty is general family medecine, and she is still maintaining her practise while hosting the show. Mike began the interview by asking her for health tips, and they decided to start at the top and work their way down. Since the talk show host is balding, she presented him with a baseball cap that had a fringe of hair hanging down in front, just below the peak. Mike said, "In a hat like this, these are the only ‘bangs’ you're going to get." She pointed out that there won't be any sexually transmitted diseases. They talked a little bit about her show, then he asked for more health tips.
Marla: Have you had your digital rectal?
Mike: What is that... oh! [the realization hits] The finger thing?
Marla: Yeah!
Mike: You know what, I can’t recall, and believe me, I would remember.
Marla: Let me tell you... [turns to Bobby, who is repeating the 'finger thing'] ...we actually call it a digital rectal.
Bobby: I like the 'finger thing.'
Marla: [laughing] Okay, whatever works for you.
Mike: Robert, I think we're talking more medical than recreational!
Bobby: [laughing] It's all good!
Mike: By the way, I'm not looking for volunteers.
The conversation soon changed to colonoscopies...
Marla: At forty-five, if you haven't had a digital rectal, I can imagine what will happen when your doctor suggests a colonoscopy.
Mike: Okay.. what's a colonoscopy?
Marla: It's, you know, the equivalent medical term for a roto-rooter exam.
Mike: A roto-rooter exam?
Marla: You start at the bottom and work up.
Bobby: [shifting in his chair] This is starting to sound like our show! [audience laughs] Sorry!
Robert Gant
February 4, 2003
Mike introduced Bobby as the newest cast member on the hit Showcase series "Queer As Folk," Robert Gant. The actor made a very animated entrance, doing a few knee bends and hamming it up for the audience as he walked across the stage to shake Mike’s hand, and greet the previous guest with a kiss on the cheek. Elsie Wayne, a Member of Parliament from Alberta, has the dubious distinction of being named the worst-dressed MP in Canada by the Hill Times. She didn’t seem to be too bothered by that fact, and had made it through an entire segment with Mike before Bobby joined them.
