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December 25
My Dearest Darling Edward,
What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me!
That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear tree; what an enchanting,
romantic, poetic present! Bless you and thank you.
Your deeply loving Emily
~~~
December 26
Beloved Edward,
The two turtle-doves arrived this morning and
are cooing away in the pear tree as I write. I'm so touched and grateful!
With undying love, as always,
Emily
~~~
December 27
My Darling Edward,
You do think of the most original presents!
Whoever thought of sending anybody three French hens? Do they really
come all the way from France? It's a pity we have no chicken coops,
but I expect we'll find some. Anyway, thank you so much; they're
lovely.
Your devoted Emily
~~~
December 28
Dearest Edward,
What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived
this morning. They are very sweet, even if they do call rather loudly.
They make telephoning almost impossible but I expect they'll calm down
when they get used to their new home. Anyway, I'm very grateful;
of course I am.
Love from Emily
~~~
December 29
Dearest Edward,
The mailman has just delivered five most beautiful
gold rings, one for each finger, and all fitting perfectly! A really
lovely present! Lovelier, in a way, than birds, which do take rather
a lot of looking after. The four that arrived yesterday are still
making a terrible row, and I'm afraid none of us got much sleep last night.
Mother says she wants the rings to "wring" their necks. Mother has
such a sense of humor. This time she's only joking, I think, but
I do know what she means. Still, I love the rings.
Bless you,
Emily
~~~
December 30
Dear Edward,
Whatever I expected to find when I opened the
front door this morning, it certainly wasn't six great geese laying eggs
all over the porch. Frankly, I rather hoped that you had stopped
sending me birds. We have no room for them and they've already ruined
the croquet lawn. I know you meant well, but let's call a halt, shall
we?
Love,
Emily
~~~
December 31
Edward,
I thought I said no more birds. This morning
I woke up to find no more than seven swans, all trying to get into our
tiny goldfish pond. I'd rather not think what's happened to the goldfish.
The whole house seems to be full of birds, to say nothing of what they
leave behind them. So please, please, stop!
Your Emily
~~~
January 1
Frankly, I prefer the birds. What am
I to do with eight milkmaids? And their cows! Is this some
kind of a joke? If so, I'm afraid I don't find it very amusing.
Emily
~~~
January 2
Look here, Edward, this has gone far enough.
You say you're sending me nine ladies dancing. All I can say is,
judging from the way they dance, they're certainly not ladies! The
village just isn't accustomed to seeing a regiment of shameless viragos,
with nothing on but their lipstick, cavorting round the green; and it's
Mother and me who get the blame. If you value our friendship, which
I do (less and less), kindly stop this ridiculous behavior at once!
Emily
~~~
January 3
As I write this letter, ten disgusting old
men are prancing up and down all over what used to be the garden, before
the geese, the swans and the cows got at it. And several of them,
I have just noticed, are taking inexcusable liberties with the milkmaids.
Meanwhile, the neighbors are trying to have us evicted. I shall never
speak to you again.
Emily
~~~
January 4
This is the last straw! You know I detest
bagpipes! The place has now become something between a menagerie
and a madhouse and a man from the council has just declared it unfit for
habitation. At least Mother has been spared this last outrage; they
took her away yesterday afternoon in an ambulance to a home for the bewildered.
I hope you're satisfied.
~~~
January 5
Sir,
Our client, Miss Emily Wilbraham, instructs me
to inform you that with the arrival on her premises at 7:30 this morning
of the entire percussion section of the Boston Symphony Orchestra, and
several of their friends, she has no recourse left open to her but to seek
an injunction to prevent you from importuning her further. I am making
arrangements for the return of much assorted livestock.
I am, Sir, your faithfully,
G. Creep
Attorney at law
~~~
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