Chapter Five - Catharsis

Catharsis: A technique used to uneffectively deal with anger through aggression.

Xander awoke wrapped up in warm arms, with someone wrapped around his back. His head hurt, and his mouth was dry as hell, and he felt like crawling under a rock.

//At least I got laid last night,// he thought wryly. //Wait. Oh no. Oh NO! I slept with SPIKE! I had gay, guy-on-guy-action type sex with Spike, the evil chipped vampire! Oh GOD!!// Xander jumped up, grabbed sweats and quickly slipped them on before quietly but swiftly running into the kitchen. He quickly downed three glasses of water, then downed another with three aspirin. He sat at the table, his mind running wild. He’d slept with Spike. Yeah, it was good and all //Great, you mean. Life-changing. Best you’ve ever imagined, let alone had// but Spike was…Spike! They were friends, but not Willow and Tara type friends! //How drunk was I?// Xander asked himself. //Not that drunk. You knew what you were doing.// he answered himself. Xander sighed. How was he supposed to act now?

Spike had been awake before Xander. He’d felt the boy start to stir, and wiggle into him before realizing just who he was wriggling against. Then the boy had tensed suddenly, jumped out of bed, thrown on some pants, and ran out of the room without so much as a glance at his lover. //Lover? Bloody hell. You’re not his lover, ponce. Obviously, he’s horrified about last night. You might as well just get dressed and leave. You could probably make it to a sewer tunnel, get back to your crypt within ten minutes. You can wallow there.// He sat up, picking his jeans up from beside the bed. He slid them on and buttoned them, the memory of Xander’s fingers undoing that fly the night before sending waves of desire and heartache through him. It wasn’t going to happen again, he could tell. Everything he’d felt last night…it was nothing more than a memory now. Which hurt, because he’d fallen in love with the boy long before now.

Spike walked into the kitchen, dreading the exchange of words that the two were sure to have, but needing to get his shirt and duster before he left the apartment. He chanced a glance at Xander, who sat at the table, staring at the floor, his entire body tensed.

“Right then,” Spike said, his clipped voice betraying the sudden rage he was feeling. Who was this boy to use him? To make Spike fall in love with him, get his end off, then be satisfied and ready to dismiss him so easily? Spike bent to pick up his T-shirt from the floor, and pulled it on, not looking at Xander. He went to the fridge to pull out the remaining bag of blood, intent on drinking it on his way out. He pulled his duster on over his shirt, and went to the door to put his boots on.

Just as Spike opened the door to go into the hallway and leave Xander’s apartment, he heard the soft, rage-filled word, almost inaudible. It would have been, if Spike hadn’t had that preternatural hearing.

“Why?”

Spike stopped. Didn’t move for almost a minute. Then he slowly turned around to face the shining brown eyes. There was so much behind that question. //Why did you fall in love with me? Why did you make this so much harder than it has to be? Why do you have to be such a woman, Spike?// Spike could hear the questions in that one simple word.

“I couldn’t help it, Xander,” he said, his voice deceptively even. Xander seemed to get even angrier.

“You couldn’t HELP it? You’re over a hundred years old, Spike. Between the two of us, I think you should probably be mature enough to handle something like this.” Spike could taste the bitterness in Xander’s words. //He’s right. I should know better than to fall in love with someone who can’t possibly love me back. But I’ve never had anything else. This is home for me. It’s normal.//

“I know. I’ll deal with it myself.”

“Deal with it yourself? I don’t get to deal with it now?” Xander’s voice was even, controlled, but brimming with disgust. Spike knew if the boy’s eyes could shoot wooden stakes, Spike would have been dust on the floor.

“Why would you want to? It’s my fault. I’m the one who let it happen.”

“You let it happen? I don’t think so. I seem to remember you being the one who kissed me. Seems to me you’re the one who started the whole business.”

“I didn’t do it on purpose.”

“Bullshit.”

“Excuse me?” Spike took a step toward the boy.

“You heard me. The whole damned thing was just to see how far you could pull me. See how much I’d go for.”

“It’s not like that, Xander.”

“Again, I say bullshit.”

“Goddammit, Xander. I never wanted it to happen!”

“Then leave. You were about to anyway. I’m not gonna stop you.”

“I don’t want to leave you so angry at me.”

“Well, when you hump and dump, you usually don’t care about what the other person wants.”

“Right.” //So I was right. He just wanted to get his end off. Figures.//

“Get out, dammit!” Xander cried. “I would leave, but, hello, my house!”

“Fine. Bloody bastard. Try and do right by you, and you throw me out. Well, that’s fine. Have a nice life, Harris. Hope something big and toothy tears you to shreds.” With that, Spike swept out the door, slamming it roughly behind him.

Xander crumpled to his chair. His knees were wobbling, he couldn’t stay upright. //He used me. Used me. Pretended it was something, then left. Why does this hurt so much? How could I have thought he wanted me? I’m nothing. Nobody. I’m donut-guy. I’m worse than donut-guy. I’m not useful to anybody, I have nothing to offer. Even Anya didn’t care enough to stay with me after D’Hoffryn’s proposal. I thought she really cared, but it was nothing. Just like this. I thought Spike cared. But it was nothing.// A fat tear rolled down Xander’s cheek. He stood and dressed. He needed to do something. Anything, with his hands. He checked outside. Sunny day. Maybe he could go to work, see if they had any extra work he could do. //Sunny day. What if Spike…Wait. Why do I care? He used me. But I do care. No. Nuh-uh. I did NOT fall in love with an evil, soulless, blood-sucking fiend. I especially didn’t fall in love with a demon who used me.// Xander sat back down, knowing he was lying to himself. He’d fallen in love with Spike. But now what? Spike sure didn’t want him, obviously.

*~*~*

Spike paced in his crypt. He’d gotten there without incident, and now he just wanted to be out. He had the greatest desire to kill something. Something that would bleed a lot. He kicked out at the wall, muttering curses and breathing hard.

//That’s what you get, you stupid git,// taunted his inner voice. //You fall in love with the human, you think maybe you can get what you want, and you just wrecked it. He was downright angry when he figured out how you felt about him. Did you see the loathing in his eyes?//

Spike let out a growl and picked up a bottle of whiskey, chucking it hard at the wall. It shattered, the amber liquid within spraying across the crypt.

Self-pity was getting him nowhere. He’d never been so angry. Not just at himself, but at Xander too. //The bastard used me. Obviously, he knows how I feel. He wanted to get his rocks off, have a little fun, and send me on my bloody merry way. He used me. Dammit.// Spike sat in his armchair, doing the one thing he’d hated most about the number one poof himself. He brooded.

*~*~*

“Hey, Xander, are you okay?” Buffy asked her friend, sitting down next to him at the Magic Shop. He’d been flying off the handle all day, over any little thing. They’d started to worry when Xander had thrown a book across the store unapologetically when Dawn had mentioned Spike’s disappearance.

“I’m fine,” Xander snapped, going back to his research.

“No, you’re not fine. You’re obviously pissed about something. What’s wrong?”

“I told you, Buffy, it’s nothing.” Xander took a deep breath. “I had a rough night, okay?”

“Why? What happened?”

Xander looked back to his book. He couldn’t talk about this with them. None of them would understand. And Buffy would probably go and stake Spike. Which, strangely enough, Xander didn’t want. He should want it, but he loved the bastard, and didn’t want anything bad to happen to him.

Buffy let out a frustrated groan at his silence. She got up and went across the shop to where Willow was reading a spell book.

“You try it, Will. He won’t talk to me.”

“I’m worried about him, Buffy. Remember when Anya left? He was like this. Only not nearly so bad. I think it might be romantic troubles,” Willow said, worried for her friend.

“Romantic? But Xander hasn’t been dating or anything. Hell, he spends all his time with Spi…” Buffy’s face turned to shock, and her eyes widened at the same time Willow’s did. “No. No way.”

Willow looked back over at Xander, then faced Buffy again. “Do you think…?” Both girls stared hard at Xander for a full minute. Before they could say anything else, Spike came in the door. He stopped cold at the sight of Xander, then went to stand across the room from where he was sitting. Xander didn’t look up, but he stiffened considerably, and Buffy and Willow couldn’t help but notice.

“Anything I can kill in the messiest way possible tonight?” Spike said quietly, with none of the joyful vigor he usually showed at the thought of beating something up. Tonight, he was all cool malice. Pure rage.

“Oh my God,” Buffy said slowly. “It’s true. It’s way true.” She and Willow exchanged a look.

“What’s true?” Spike said.

“You…he…they…oh wow…” Willow squeaked, unable to form full thoughts. But she knew. And Buffy knew. Spike and Xander had done something last night that made them both angry and hurt.

Suddenly Xander stood up, bursting out the door, intent on getting away. //They know. Oh God, they know. Cannon fodder, folks. Let the Xander-humiliation begin.// He couldn’t stay there.

Buffy stepped up to Spike, who didn’t shrink from her murderous gaze.

“If you’re going to stake me, Slayer, do it now. Just finish it off, okay?”

“I’m not going to stake you, Spike. I should, for hurting him, but I’m not. Not until you tell me what the HELL happened.”

Spike sighed. “Nothin to lose, yeah? Wanna know? Harris decided I’m a ponce and he wants me to stay away from him. Bloody bastard used me, then threw me away like…something that can be thrown away. I feel low enough as it is, Slayer. Might as well be dust.”

Buffy took a shocked step backward. “What are you saying?”

“I’m SAYING, I went and fell in love with the boy, you stupid bint. He knew, and he used me, and then he kicked me out. So you can stake me. I’d really rather that than feeling like this. Get it yet?”

Buffy blinked.

Willow stepped forward. “That’s…but…you love him?”

“Congratulations, Red. You’ve won first prize.”

“Okay. That is SO much to take in right now. I…I think I need to sit down,” Buffy said, and sat down cross-legged on the floor.

“Yes!” cried Dawn, punching the air with glee. She turned smugly to Tara, who was sitting beside her, her face a mixture of innocence, guilt, disappointment, and empathy. She reached into her pocket and pulled out a five-dollar bill, handing it to Dawn, who smiled brightly and slipped it into her own pocket. She giggled. “I win!” she announced smugly.

“You win? What?” Buffy asked, confused.

“Well, Tara and I had a bet.”

“A bet?” Willow asked.

“Well, yeah. I mean, it was SO obvious that Spike and Xander were in love. I mean, well, I could see it, and so could Tara. And we made a bet, to see who would admit it first.” She grinned gleefully. “And I said Spike would. And I won!!”

“You…what?!” Spike replied, also confused, and a little unnerved. They could tell? //Wait. What did she say?// “What did you say?”

“I said I won,” Dawn said, as if speaking to a child.

“Before that, Little Bit. The part about me and Xander.”

“Oh, right. What? You couldn’t tell he loves you? Oh my God. Is everyone blind?!” Tara put a hand on Dawn’s arm, stilling her.

Spike’s mind was racing. //Xander loved him? Then why the display this morning?// It suddenly clicked. //He thought I used him. He doesn’t know I love him. He thought I…// Spike pushed away from the wall he’d been sagging against and headed for the door.

“Where do you think you’re going?” Buffy asked, standing up.

“I have to go see him. He thinks I…God, he thinks I used him. I have to…” Spike was out the door, and Dawn sighed. Buffy turned to glare at her.

“What? Oh, come on. Don’t tell me you’re not happy for them,” Dawn said, tilting her head and scrunching her eyebrows.

“It’s Spike! And Xander!!”

“Well, yeah!” Dawn said.

“It is kind of sweet,” Tara piped up. “And Spike’s not so bad, really. He’s been really good to us, and helped us, and I think he’s kind of a friend.”

“Tara’s right,” Willow said, sagging. “Spike’s a friend. A-and as long as Xander’s happy, I’m okay with it.”

Buffy sighed, then after a moment, finally said something. “If he hurts him, I’ll stake him and suck him up with a dust-buster.”

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