Topic: WC - Daily Practice
Wednesday 4:52am 3Jan06
I seem to wake up at 3:34 each morning. I never get up though. I call the cats and say, "We have less than a half hour girls" and promptly fall back asleep. I love sleeping. It really is hard to believe that I get up before the crack of dawn.
I did my hour long write when I got home last night and because I didn't have much to rant about (not complaining) I tried to guide it toward something useful. So I ended up with about a page of stuff for Rachel in White Wishes which has fallen off again. I realize that I need to get myself back to a head space where I'm thinking about it all the time. Some form of having it in the back of my mind while I do other things. I'm going to have to read through my notes and decide on a character to focus on and keep that person in my mind and listen to her. Watch her react.
I also have come to understand that I have two stages of freeflow writing. I have the stream of consciousness writing where I write nonstop and my mind is out of it. I can write and only know the word I'm writing. I don't know what I've written nor what I'm going to write. It's almost meditative or channeled. Then there is the plain nonstop writing where I write fast and I know what I've written and I'm thinking about what I'm going to write next.
I'm only recently starting to understand that I have the two types. In the past if I couldn't maintain the SOC writing, I'd often stop, thinking that I was failing at doing it. Of course the SOC writing feels better so it feels like the right way but like a deep meditation, I'm setting myself up for failure if I'm expecting to have that all the time. The plain old aware non stop writing serves a bigger purpose. I can guide it. I can start to pick at what I need to work on.
It's a full moon today. I predicted that Travisimo's wife will go into labour today. Let's see how psychic I am. ha! My horoscope for January says that today (tonight rather) will bring me a romantic encounter. So as I question how this could possibly happen, not that I believe it will but as the writer the first thing I ask is what if?... I have a dime and a nickel to rub together so I'm not going out. I've dropped all interest, contact & thought of the men that were in my life so it couldn't possibly be one of them. No cute guys to speak of in my apartment building. And then a little part of my mind flits off on a tangent and says, "I bet you the Lesbian hits on you!" I cringe.
Just because I said I'd do Selma Hayek doesn't mean I'd do, well, her! I had a lengthy conversation with my gay male friend recently about it because I hadn't told him the whole story of the octopus armed lesbian that would not go away and then acted like a spurned lover when I finally slapped her down. I admitted that I actually questioned whether I was homophobic because I was so uncomfortable with what was going on ( I know how to get rid of a man that's harassing me, I don't know how to get rid of a woman that's harassing me). But he reminded me that there are a lot of gay men that insist that all straight men are really gay in disguise and that there are lesbians that believe that if they have one night with you they'll make you gay. sigh!
How come it's never the attractive lesbians? I'm just asking!
But seriously with every thing a gay person goes through to come out and find their place and the ridicule and not being able to be married and just plain being born gay why the fuck couldn't I be born heterosexual or anyone else for that matter? There's no coercing or insisting or harassing that will change the fact that I love men. It's like Donald Trump saying that he's got a great guy for Rosie O'Donnell's wife.
Come on! No means no!
EY
