Topic: WC - Daily Practice
11:48am Sunday 11Feb07
dreamt of my mother last night. dreamt that I was trying to get to Montreal to pay her a surprise visit. I was on a busy street that I thought was Newman Blvd but it turned out that I was still in Chomedy, Laval. A white family from Vancouver in an RV gave me a lift and we discussed the beauty of Quebec as we drove through.
I've been dreaming more about my mom again recently. I guess because I really want to see her and my dream world is my only option. Plus I seem to be really focused on life and death lately. There seems to be more action in my life lately as well that shakes things up. A girlfriend that I used to talk to every single day called me twice last week. The guy called me on Friday. Fredo gave me the best hug he's ever given me in the year that we've known each other (maybe he had to squish me to get through all the layers I was wearing). The hug actually threw me off. Ant called me on Friday and declared that I'd have to organize our next get together and that he expects me to divulge something personal - a problem, a confession, something. We're stepping up this friendship thing. Since he confides in me, he needs me to confide in him.
This active energy makes me want to propel myself forward. I want to start asking men out on dates, just for the heck of it. Just to know for sure who may or may not be an option. Turn things a little upside down. And it's still winter, it's not even spring yet.
Maybe I just want to live. I tell you something about Anna Nicole Smith's death has really affected me. Something about her self esteem issues and her ability to cope (persist, persevere), and the betrayals that won't end anytime soon and on and on. I wouldn't be surprised if she comes to see me in a dream, she's affected me so much.
I believe in dreams. I believe that souls on the other side can contact us through our dreams. That's why it's so important to me to see my mother in my dreams. It's the only way that I can see her. Although when I've meditated I have felt her presence. I want to finally have that dream where we sit down and talk about how things are on her side and how things are on my side.
I want to live each day as if it's my last and really enjoy my life. I want to touch Fredo's goatee to feel if his hair is soft or scruffy or wiry or what because I'm curious and he kept rubbing it on Wednesday. I want to know what's going on in the guy's life that would possess him, out of the blue, to call me especially since I'd dreamt about him a mere day before he called. I want to know where my man is, the one that will get me to soften my grip on freedom and open me up to the intimacy that I used to be so comfortable with. I want to stop being scared to take a chance on people, men. I want to have the patience to see someone through in order to create a long term romantic entanglement. I want to stop being so damn practical all the time and be a little impetuous.
I want to do something inspiring and life altering and fun all combined. I want to love someone who knows how to love and make slow sweet love to him as much as humanly possible. I want to laugh those kinds of laughs where no sound comes out anymore because it's all consuming. I want magic and psychic connections and spiritual dreams. I want to tell my story and cry at the painful parts and not feel the need to hold back the tears. I want to be open and funny and silly. I want to talk dirty and be mushy and express how long I've felt what I've felt and have it reciprocated.
I want the men who have broken my heart to tell me why they keep coming back to me. Is it because they think I'll take them back this time, when I've never taken them back every other time they've professed some wobbly emotion for me? Is it because they are bored and they figure the worst I can say is no, but it's worth a try? The romance is in the man who stays not the one that keeps coming back. I'd like to finally say that, in no uncertain terms, so they'd leave me the fuck alone already. Of course I could be more of a bitch about it myself.
I'd like to walk up to a man and ask, "Do you like me?"
"No or Yes." What ever his true answer may be.
And respond with a thank you. Now I finally know.
I'd like to have the option of staying or walking away with full knowledge instead of wondering if I walked away too soon or if I'm wasting my time sticking around for some guy that doesn't want anything more than tasting all the flavours of Baskin Robbins ice cream . At least if I know I'm dealing with a dog I can decide if I want to take him for a walk or leave him in the kennel. Sometimes a dog is fun to play with, if you know it's a dog. But if you have a dog disguised as a cat. Such needless frustration.
I want to live in my imagination for a large portion of my days and write all the novels, short stories, poems, essays, plays, songs and whatever else I have inside me. I want to write children's books that impact children straight into their adult hood. I want to live in a world where we all discover our inner power and forget about our fears. I want to adopt a family of orphans from individuals that I find along the way. A child that needs a mother to love him or her. A woman that needs a daughter of 43. A father figure that I so sorely missed out on. Grand parents who've been married for a lifetime and still express their love. I want to know if I have black siblings despite loving my white siblings. I want to know if I have a sister who looks like me.
I want, just for today, to know what positive impact my life has had on someone else's. I want to reap the rewards of the person who has been there for so many for so long.
I want to be financially rich so I can buy that spot where I can have lots and lots of animals to care for. Give sanctuary to those who need it. Help people to get back on their feet. Teach people to love silence. Offer a retreat for all types of artists to create. Give us all the opportunity to rise up a spiritual level. Wave off the people who have learned how to love themselves unconditionally that are now ready to enter back into the world to teach others.
Because in the end I guess that's what it's all about, us being here. Learning to love ourselves unconditionally - the smelly shits, and the sense of humour, the saggy tits, and the beautiful eyes, the bad moods and the overwhelming capacity we all have to love someone else and everything that falls in between all of that.
I want to be a part of creating that miracle of raising the consciousness of myself and the world.
I want to be a better person.
EY
