Hair - a ritual to change
Topic: WC - Daily Practice
Sunday 11:32am 5Nov06

My friend Cinnabon and I used to have many a conversation about a woman's need to change her hair. Make a major decision, change your hair. Break off with your boyfriend, cut your hair. Like that commercial of years ago, "I'm gonna wash that man right out of my hair." There is such ritual with our hair. It's such an outward showing of what can be going on internally.
It was funny that the show Felicity lost so many viewers when Keri Russell cut off her golden curly locks in character when she and Ben broke up. Funny, because viewers were so focused on her hair (she looked just as adorable without it as she did with it) and the lack of it. Funny, because it was true to form, Ben was a huge deal in her life, to acknowledge that it was over she had to do something drastic to face that reality.

I had dreads for about 5 years. I loved those dreads, they were beautiful, carefree and easygoing. I originally changed my hair to dreads to be an example for my friend who'd just learned how to do those type of dreads (Sisterlocks). She wanted people to come to her to pay for those dreads, I was her walking bulletin board. She did my initial dreads for free and I subsequently paid her $10 an hour for the upkeep of the roots. We'd been close friends, I was close to her family, loved her child. Then her husband told me one day that she'd decided that she didn't want to do my hair anymore. I laughed. I thought he was joking but finally came to the realization that it was serious when I'd left repeated messages for months to no response. Of course by this time, she had many a customer and didn't need me to advertise her skills.

Finally one day I stood in my bathroom and decided if I could cut my dreads off that was it, the friendship was over and there was no turning back. It took me twenty minutes before I cut the first dread. I haven't looked back, never made any attempts at contact, moved on.

Had another reality check yesterday. Spent the day over thinking and fantasizing and believing the hype and wasting my time and wondering what it is about myself that wants to believe but keeps me with this huge fear to commit. It's funny because last week I wrote up this sheet to carry with me and read for when my dark thoughts take over as I knew they would. I titled it, My decision to make - to give me strength to trust.

But this week the dark thoughts have taken on a different tone. If you run away and I run away how will we ever be in the same hemisphere? I'm not the one that scales walls and runs obstacle courses with some puffed up belief that all will work out in the end, not without a sign, not for people anyways. I haven't made it to 42 years old without ever being married without some sort of ingrained commitment issues.

So last night... I changed my hair...

EY

I'm Wiped
Topic: WC - Daily Practice
Thursday 8:30pm 2Nov06
28 days left for Nanowrimo and I'm wiped tonight. About ready to go to bed but I have written down my goals for tomorrow. I'm up to 2334 words done on my novel for Nano. So keeping at 1000 words a day during weeknights may be the goal for now. On the Weekends I'll try to hike it up to 5000 words or more each on Saturday and Sunday. No goofing off.

Was supposed to go out with the guys tonight but two of them finished work at 3pm, I finish at 4:30pm and one of them was sick. It's all for the best because I knew I wouldn't get any writing done if I'd gone out. I have to admit I had the taste for a beer and contemplated going to Fredo's bar for a quick one but since Fredo doesn't work tonight why bother? After all I might as well get a little fight with my brew. Was supposed to have a coffee break with the Friend today but we never made contact. I'm just so damn busy at work it's bordering on the ridiculous. Of course my month end reports were all finicky today which was a pain. Chant, Mercury Retrograde, Mercury Retrograde. It could be worse, I could be having communication issues with my co-workers. Now that would suck.

The week has flown by like nobody's business. Shit it'll be my birthday in 5 minutes. ha ha!

I made up a little motivational sheet to help get me through Nanowrimo. It has such tidbits as Pep Talk, a few comments to keep me feeling positive. A question, Why do you insist on telling only part of the story? To remind me to get all the words out. The revision comes after the novel is written. We're pros from The War of Art with such reminders to show up every day, commit for the long haul. Nano Challenge - from one of Robert McKee's books - get down everything about the scene including the individual characters' feelings about each other etc. Questions to ask about my characters or the scenes or the conflicts. Something to look at should I feel stopped up.

I actually made and ate dinner when I got home so I wouldn't be starving at 9:30pm like last night.

Had a bit of an epiphany about someone today. I'm used to being the arm's length person. I'm the one who is normally hard to get to know, doesn't take on too many new people in my personal space. I do it because I'm a caretaker and taking care of every little person that crosses my path like their some stray pet is tiresome. I realize that I may have met some one who is my emotional doppelganger. This person may be some one who is loyal to the end and a care taker through and through. When you take care of everyone you don't want too many people to take care of. The only way to control that is to control the new people who enter your life by making it difficult for them. I will have to rule in or rule out that hypothesis because I'm interested.

On that note, I'm going to take care of myself and hit the sack early, like now.

EY

Nanowrimo has started
Mood:  a-ok
Topic: WC - Daily Practice
9:14pm Wednesday 1Nov06

Nanowrimo has begun. I've been writing for two hours and have hit just under1500 words. Had to stop since Zelda Zoloft Fitzgerald, my little anti-depressant, has been attacking my fingers on the keyboard. Plus I'm kind of hungry. Didn't have dinner.

I cleaned up a little when I got home because I can't work at my desks with clutter. Managed to sit my butt down to start writing at 7:15pm. It's a good start. I need to get myself going earlier when I get home but with tripping over the kitten and the odds and sods 7:15 isn't too shabby. It really is about not turning on the television when I get home.

Got an email from my Prince, the real one. What a relief since he dismantled his website, it's good to hear from him. Of course his email was sent to previous members so I'm not allowed to say what was in it but can I just say, I'm socking away some money just in case he blesses Toronto with his presence again. The only man that can get me out of the house in the dead of winter.

With Mercury in retrograde the Nanowrimo site is slow slow slow! Yeah that falls in line with computer problems. Zelda's latest thing is to run like mad out of the apartment when I'm leaving for work. She's figured out that I stick her on the top of the trunks to slow her down but no sooner did I stick her up there this morning she was already down and out the apartment. While I chased her down the hallway with a stage whisper demanding, "Come here!" Picasso also ran out the apartment and giggled her way down the hall. sigh! I've got to leave early just so I can spend the time chasing the cats. Insane!

Supposed to go out with the boys tomorrow night. It's been awhile. Used to be our weekly religion but sometimes life gets in the way. Contemplating making some scrambled eggs since the beet juice isn't quite filling me up enough.

Day one of Nanowrimo... need to build up to 5000 words a day or write like a fiend on the weekends. The only way to do it is to write directly on the computer which isn't my thing. I'm old school. I write with pen and paper and find the computer great for revisions. Ah bien!

Eat, sleep, write.

EY

Day Two
Mood:  amorous
Topic: WC - Daily Practice
Tuesday 6:52pm 31Oct06

Day Two of coming home and not turning on the television the moment I walk in the door. Get so much more done without it but a nice place to fall when I need to zone out.

Last night I pulled out every last piece of paper of my novel and got everything organized - the research in one large folder, the pictures and other odds and ends needed in another folder and the printed chapters and different drafts of them into binders (fills up 6 binders).
I plan to resurrect my dying novel, so to speak, and read through everything that I have and write all the chapters from scratch. See where that takes me. Decided last night that I'd work on Book 1 for Nanowrimo that miraculously starts tomorrow. Where has the time gone and why can't I be saying that about going out on that first date with that cute guy that I like? I'm just curious.

Zelda has been terrorizing Picasso since I got home and Picasso has gone from bitter to pleasantly amused to almost giggly, if cats can giggle. Quincy is just lying back watching the insanity and looking over at me every so often for approval or an answer or something. I don't know what to tell her. One can not know where all that energy comes from but just hope that it will tire her out enough to let us all sleep come sleep time.

It's been pretty relaxed back at work despite the pile of paper on my desk that beckons me. Heck it'll still be there tomorrow, might as well relax and just do what I can.

My hair has been suffering from major bad hair days to the point of me contemplating shaving it all off. Not the best time of the year to decide to be bald. What are you gonna do?

The word of the week at work is penis. Yes I said penis! In the Shelleyland of not thinking, I told the boys on Monday about Pedro's perverted discussions of last Wednesday at that piece of shit bartenders bar (Hmm thinking of calling the barkeep Fredo). For whatever reason there has been many moments where penis has been mentioned again from the chocolate witches that were handed out with the witches hat that looks like a penis and on and on. That's what happens when you work with only men, conversations that are more off colour than not.

Speaking of which, I was telling them about catching an episode of Entourage, the story of Mark Wahlberg when he first started to make it. That show is funny. Another all testosterone show of boys being pigs and getting each other to do stupidness and playing practical jokes on each other. Caught it purely by accident, made me laugh my head off. Considering adding it to my already too long roster of taped shows that I'm pitifully (how the heck do you spell that?) behind on. Maybe I'll catch up during Christmas since I've decided that this Christmas I'll do alone again. Looking forward to that action.

Off to read my news articles on domestic violence in preparation of Nanowrimo.

EY

Can't Sleep
Topic: WC - Daily Practice
Monday 1:43am 30Oct06

I seem to be running on three hours sleep a night since IFOA finished. I've been awake since 1am. I wonder what this is about. What's keeping me awake? What do I need to listen to internally, intuitively?

Of course I was sitting at my writing desk staring into space and Zelda let out this guttural scream. WTF! Both cats and I made a run to the kitchen. There's Zelda dangling head first from the back of my kitchen chair. She'd squished herself through the back slats of the chair and couldn't get her ass out. That scream freaked us all out. There I was holding her head and her bum and slowly trying to squish her all the way through. She gave me many a nice kiss for rescuing her and now I'm all paranoid about leaving her alone all day and the predicaments she'll get herself into. sigh! Kittens are a lot of work.

Not too much to say. Have a lot on my mind. Thinking about the ways I need to calm down in my life, the things I need to clean up, the things I want to do. Maybe that's why I can't sleep. Who knows?

Of course it could just be the come down after the high of being in the environment I thrive in and around the people I need to be with. It's almost 2am who the heck figures out anything at this time? Certainly not me.

So many choices, so many things and people to think about, so many things to take care of. And an acrobatic kitten to watch over!
I've got a three day weekend next weekend. Hopefully I'll make good use of that time. My breakfast buddy is unavailable so I can do a full cocoon weekend. Maybe do one of my fake writing retreats. Whereby I shut off the phone, don't turn on the television, act like I'm out in the woods with no real contact options and write, read and draw. Burn some incense, light some candles, do some meditating and find that calm that can only come from inside. Something to look forward to for sure.

Maybe I just need something to look forward to...

EY